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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Xmas gift from DH

64 replies

PineappleRisotto · 25/12/2021 03:40

It's totally rubbish. Exchanged gifts Xmas Eve over dinner with our two daughters as they are off to their in-laws tomorrow, as it's the in-laws turn for xmas day. No problem with that. In fact it's good because it lets me off the hook and we can be a bit quiet and peaceful Xmas day which suits us both nicely.

Everyone's present was well thought out, and well received.
Mine was {I hope} well received but fuck me it's hideous. Keerist knows what he was thinking!

He knows I like handbags. Not necessarily very expensive bags. Just bags I see, that I like. Mid-range priced bags that are either unusual or fit into my colour palette, if you like:}

He's bought me a black plastic monstrosity!! Very cheap but not even cheerful!! He is convinced now {because of my acting skills} that he's pulled it off in getting something totally impressive. I mean, how misguided can he be!!??

That's not the problem though. He's done this many times in our 30+ years of marriage. What is worrying me is a recent thread that somebody asked, and I paraphrase "Does your husband have to ask what you want for xmas?" Well, yes, because otherwise he won't have a fucking clue. I wish he 'would' ask because then I might get a present that I actually want. The premise of the post was that if your husband loves you enough he'll be on your case 24/7 round the shops to make sure he knows what you want and he won't have to ask. That he is so in tune with your needs and wants and persona that he'll do these lovely things for you and can anticipate your every whim. And you will always get the most perfect gift! This can only happen if he loves you very very much.

If that's what makes a marriage, then me and dh are entirely finished and fucked and our marriage is worthless. Sod all the times he looked after the kids while I went away for weekends with my mates. Bugger the nightime feeds we always shared, even though he was working the next day.

Nope. t's the really crap presents that will finish us off. This ugly black plastic handbag is the end of us.

OP posts:

Mittenmob · 25/12/2021 06:43

I'm getting adverts on here for handbags, as if some ad agency monitors people talking about 'crap handbags' and thinks 'yep, this thread is a good space for this brand'

Sparkletastic · 25/12/2021 06:56

Time to drop your Oscar winning performance of fake delight. Tell him thank you but it isn't to your taste and ask if he can return it.

onedayoranother · 25/12/2021 07:18

You've said it yourself - he thinks he's done great because you've told him he has! Stop acting! You can't say you love it to his face then come on here complaining. If this has happened year after year and you've been faking gratitude no wonder he has no idea what you like. Next time tell him, or get one of your kids to lead him in the right direction.

lisaandalan · 25/12/2021 07:29

What we do is send each other say ten or twenty pictures of things we like, then we obviously buy a couple of them, but it's still a surprise and something we want. X

Notimetolive · 25/12/2021 07:30

We’re passed the present stage too. Buy what we want for our hobbies when we need it. Much less stressful than having to pretend the gift is perfect and just what I want. DH always buys flowers and chocolates as a treat though. We’re both happy doing it this way and don’t care what other people think.

Mintyt · 25/12/2021 07:36

Why are you pretending you like it, say have you the receipt please

HidingFromDD · 25/12/2021 07:50

tbh, I was with you until you said you'd got him a golf voucher (presumably for £30). If you're both at the stage where you buy what you need anyway, a voucher is pretty uninspiring and I do wonder whether he is currently thinking the same as you.

It does, however, sound like you've got a good marriage so maybe have a discussion about presents and present giving once festivities are well over?

Rubyupbeat · 25/12/2021 07:52

We have been married not far off 40 years, we buy what we want, as and when nowadays, we both have charities we regularly donate to, but at Christmas we give a very large donation to them all, we like doing this rather than racking our brains for a want, which we could buy anytime. (We weren't always like this, Christmas was a time for a much wanted gift that couldn't be easily afforded normally)

mnp321 · 25/12/2021 07:58

Am I the only one not to give a toss about presents? More junk usually. Unnecessary stress, I’m happy not to receive them and don’t have a lot of enthusiasm for buying them

Me too. I'm very happy to receive nothing and often do for birthdays and Christmas. Without sounding like a fun sponge, it's more clutter to store and there's really nothing I need. Plus buying clothes is very difficult to get right in terms of taste and size.

I'd hate my husband to be thinking about my presents 24/7. Not least as our weekends involve a lot of ferrying the kids around rather than shopping or surfing the internet and I'd far rather have help with that. I find it a bit sad when buying presents is considered the litmus test in a relationship. The everyday stuff matters far more to me.

FuckeryIsAfoot · 25/12/2021 08:03

The thread to which you are referring was goady AF. Don't let that get to you. Even turned out she was literally a newlywed. She ain't seen nothing yet.
Also, I would be on edge if my husbands little ears perked up every time I said I want something. I recently said I want a food processor. It wasn't a hint, I simply said I want one because I find chopping onions tedious and frankly, if I got that for Christmas I would be a little fucked off.

We do lists/choose our own in this house. He's impossible to buy for because he's into computers and stuff and I am absolutely clueless and so would your average curry's employee be. I never know what I want myself. I'm even more impossible. Maybe he should just start buying me food processors and meat cleavers.

DrSbaitso · 25/12/2021 08:13

We always ask each other for gift ideas for Christmas. He doesn't have to be a mind reader. And I rarely do the "men don't think that way" thing, but in terms of handbags, I do think it applies. He may know you like handbags but very few men will have an understanding of your preferred colour palette or equivalent. It doesn't mean they don't love you.

The problem, I think, is this:

He is convinced now {because of my acting skills} that he's pulled it off in getting something totally impressive. I mean, how misguided can he be!!??

You pretended you were delighted, so you can't be annoyed that he hasn't seen through you! This isn't fair. Like I said, he's not a mind reader and if you tell him you love it, he should be able to trust you on that.

You need to communicate more and not be afraid to tell him what you like. Maybe give him a few options so he can choose one and there's still an element of surprise.

DitheringBlidiot · 25/12/2021 08:21

If I didn't tell my dp what I wanted, along with a link I wouldn't get a good present either. Sometimes he might get me a "suprise" - usually bath stuff which is fine as I'll use pretty much anything.

I wouldn't act as though you like it too much though, otherwise how is he to know tang you would prefer something else. You don't have to be ungrateful just say you don't think you'll use it and it seems a waste so you're going to exchange it

lap90 · 25/12/2021 08:28

In future just send a link so he explicitly knows what you want.
I like handbags too.

pollywollydoodler · 25/12/2021 08:47

@DontBlameMe79

Am I the only one not to give a toss about presents? More junk usually. Unnecessary stress, I’m happy not to receive them and don’t have a lot of enthusiasm for buying them.

No you're not the only one. DH s not a shopper, it was painful to see how stressed he got about it, the year he presented me with a rug for my landing was a turning point 😄 my gift to him for years has been that he doesn't need to do it and his to me is that he does all the Xmas Day cooking.

M0rT · 25/12/2021 08:48

If you are doing the present buying to creat a Christmassy atmosphere for your daughters and trying to model kindness in a relationship to them, maybe next year in early December you could go shopping together for a morning and point out items you would both like in budget.
Book a nice lunch somewhere for after and then you will both be genuinely happy with your gifts Christmas morning.
I'm great at presents and my DH isn't, but because I'm great at it I don't value it that highly. Like everything that comes easy to us.
He cooks 4-5 nights a week, I'll take that over buying the exact thing I'd like a few times a year.
Happy Christmas 🎄

Madcats · 25/12/2021 09:22

I usually just order my own presents and tell DH to wrap it. If not, I am pretty specific about what I want (and leave him to research the brand/model).

It's a lot less disappointing all round.

Hont1986 · 25/12/2021 09:29

He is convinced now {because of my acting skills} that he's pulled it off in getting something totally impressive. I mean, how misguided can he be!!??

If you lie to him and tell him you like it, then obviously he is going to think you like it!
Meanwhile he is thinking "Christ, £30 voucher to a golf shop, how shit. Better pretend I like it so she thinks she did well"

lololololollll · 25/12/2021 09:45

I'm the opposite, thought we were supposed to be going easy so did and I've got such lovely things from DH, I feel like a proper twat and could see he was disappointed although tried to hide it well. Miscommunication from us 😢

Howshouldibehave · 25/12/2021 09:48

I wouldn’t have pretended that I loved it and I would tell him today that it doesn’t fit any of my stuff in.

Then do Amazon wish lists in future!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/12/2021 09:58

Why the fuck did you pretend to like it. Now he thinks he's aced it.
Tell him now that it's a piece of shit and you hate it. Don't let him get away with it. Ask him if he bought it fopr 50p in a charity shop.
Men only understand straight talking. You've lied and said you love it Why?????? stop being pathetic and girly and let him have it.

LaMariposa · 25/12/2021 10:02

Honestly my DH is crap with presents. After a few years though he has realised that chocolate always goes down well. This year I’ve got enough to last me for months 😂
He does so much more for me though, he does 90% of the cooking, pulls his weight round the house, and does all the little gestures like making me a cup of tea without asking.

We’ll go out for a nice meal together in the NY.

StrawBeretMoose · 25/12/2021 10:03

Buying a crap gift happens but don't know why you pretended to like it.
If your acting was so good your daughters might have believed it too and similar items will be coming your way in the future!
I'd just ask to exchange it, as would DH (he has done many times).
We didn't do Christmas gifts this year, we still do birthdays and random "saw this and thought of you gifts".

Enjoy your quiet Christmas.

Tal45 · 25/12/2021 10:04

What about instead of buying things for presents you buy some kind of experience for each other to do together? A meal out somewhere nice, tickets for the theatre, tickets to visit a national trust property - you'll probably need to spend more than £30 each but at least you wouldn't be getting tat and it would be something for you to do together.

Aderyn21 · 25/12/2021 10:13

I think protecting the feelings of someone you love is important. I'd never tell someone that I didn't like a gift. For the sake of a lost £30? No.
I think the OP is right to feign delight and next year direct her husband towards something she would actually like!

AnnaMagnani · 25/12/2021 10:21

She was a newlywed in that thread. When I was a newlywed DH and I could buy each other thoughtful gifts just by looking at each other.

Now, not so much. Amazon gift list all the way or there is crushing disappointment.

If you don't tell him, he won't learn.

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