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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel sad I don't get any gifts.

40 replies

KA30 · 24/12/2021 21:04

Probably be told I'm unreasonable. I spend a long time trying to make sure my my kids have a perfect Christmas. I also spend a lot of time picking out gifts for family. Cannot afford much but try and buy something nice within a budget. My mum, stepdad, my siblings and in laws etc. I like to gift, I know you shouldn't expect anything in return and generally I don't. But I'm just emotional this year. It's been a tough year for various reasons and we've all just had covid to top it off. Felt like the build up to Christmas has been ruined. I prefer the build up to the day itself.

Me and dp usually do get something for each other or from the kids. But this year money has been tight so decided not to spend anything on each other. I'm fine with that. Hoping to book a weekend away for my 30th in jan - (covid allowing) so saving the £££.

But I'm so sad. My mum doesn't buy me much or anything at all most years. Money is not the issue for her. My siblings (late teens into twenties) have hundreds spent on them each year. Fair enough they don't have children so you'd thinks he spends on the dc instead but she only spends around £20 each on both my dc! My sister put what she got on Instagram last year. She had hundreds off my mum and stepdad. It's not a stepdad issue, he's actually very generous, my mum is financially controlling. My bio dad has never been around. The worst thing is I know my mum buys gifts for her neighbours and her friends kids. Just not me! I can't talk tj her about as she says that kids come first on Christmas and she buys for my kids. Why not just a box of chocs?

Mil usually gets me something. But this year has not. I know I'm not her daughter but I feel crap because I spent a long time picking out something for her as Dp won't be organised enough to do it. She's bought a few things for dp, I know it's her son but I always pick out her gifts and I'm sure she knows that.

My siblings are younger than me, I always bought them gifts including this year but now they are older they don't return it! So probably won't bother. They don't even get dc anything either. The gifts mt mum buys for dc kinda comes from them all.

I don't have friends that I'm close enough with to exchange gifts.

I know a grown woman of 30 shouldn't expect much but j just feel so glum. I spend so long picking out nice gifts.

Before anyone asks how I know this is the case on Christmas Eve, it's because we've all had covid and on tail end of it family have dropped over gifts for dc on our door step.

Nothing for me whatsoever on the tags as I put them under the tree 😪

I just feel like next year not bothering with them and spending the money on myself instead.

Aibu? Or am I sounding entitled?

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 24/12/2021 21:07

Buy yourself something? I’m a lone parent and I don’t get any gifts but it doesn’t bother me personally.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/12/2021 21:08

Crikey, poor you op, that doesn't seem nice or fair at all.
Is there a back story re your mum?

2reefsin30knots · 24/12/2021 21:09

Cut the gifts to all the people who don't buy for you next year and get yourself something you want or need with the money.

RandomMess · 24/12/2021 21:11

Go absolutely token or no gifts next year.

Selection box for your siblings for a start!

Funnylittlefloozie · 24/12/2021 21:12

Definitely buy yourself a really nice present once money is a bit less tight. Next year, tell DH that you would like him to get you something small but nice. If he can't be bothered to think too hard, do an Amazon wishlist, and DONT hold back on what you include.

I'm sorry the people around you are all a bit shit and thoughtless.

Rumplestrumpet · 24/12/2021 21:14

That's pretty crap. We do a secret Santa with parents, siblings and partners so that makes it all much clearer.

Plus I bought myself some nice bits while I bought DH and they'll be from Santa tomorrow 😄

WoodSageandSeasalt · 24/12/2021 21:14

Far from entitled, that’s really rubbish for you - I’m sorry.

I normally hate the self centred birthday type threads on here but you’re very much not being unreasonable.

KA30 · 24/12/2021 21:14

Me and my mum have a weird relationship. We haven't ever fallen out as such (not badly anyway) but we are like chalk and cheese. She does favour my siblings generally.

I'm more upset over mil. I'm used to my mum not buying me much - even on birthdays but mil usually gets me something and now hasn't. Have I done something wrong? I don't think so. Her and dp had a disagreement this week because we wouldn't see them on Christmas Day - couldn't help getting covid!

I just feel like the black sheep all the time!

OP posts:
Cheesewiz · 24/12/2021 21:15

Im So sorry your feeling this way. I would 100% stop gift giving to family. I have one sibling and we both have children now so we made a mutual agreement to only buy for the children. I couldn't imagine not buying a gift for my niece and nephews at Christmas or birthdays. Have you already given gifts this year? If not, I would return them for refund

doadeer · 24/12/2021 21:15

This makes me so sad that all these people around you are so dire. I would definately be upset, I'm sorry for you ☹️

KA30 · 24/12/2021 21:16

I've been stuck in for the best part of 3 weeks as covid got through us all. I think I'm just emotionally drained which isn't helping! I'll feel better after I see how happy my kids will be. Haven't gone over board on them but they have a fair few things they will love!

OP posts:
Chloemol · 24/12/2021 21:22

It’s simple. Going forward don’t buy your family anything, if they say anything then use your mothers words, Christmas is about kids and after 2021 I assumed we weren’t buying for adults

Leave your mil to your dh, stop buying hers

Then take the money you have saved and spend it on yourself

Kezzywezzy · 24/12/2021 21:25

I admit I’ve had a few Christmas Eve drinks! You are probably really tired. But you have your children and your own family. Better than any presents. It will be all be lovely on the day. Promise.

Tal45 · 24/12/2021 21:28

YANBU, time to start putting yourself first OP.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 24/12/2021 21:31
Flowers
tensixtysix1066 · 24/12/2021 21:35

You have to sort yourself vs feeling sad about it. I've been there... I've realised i can do myself a brilliant stocking of stuff I really want, plus a couple of tree presents.

Reminds me I still need to wrap one of mine up 😀

(I'm doing that for my child's benefit but it's fun!)

Sodullincomparison · 24/12/2021 21:43

Not entitled at all. That is a poor show!

I would go for a token gift from your children to grandparents/ aunts / uncles etc from now on if that is the situation.

My dh told his parents we wanted pans this year instead of a voucher and gifts. Hmmmm do we????

LJAKS · 24/12/2021 21:44

As much as you don't give to receive etc that's a loud and clear message. Stop buying them gifts. All of them. Including mil. Let your dh buy her tat if he remembers. The rest of your family, zero. "Oh I thought we'd stopped giving gifts to adults? You know it's all about the children as you say" have a lovely day tomorrow with your family x

KA30 · 24/12/2021 21:44

Thanks all and Happy Christmas 💕 I've just had a bit of a moment. Need to buck up, still got one dc awake and need to sort presents without falling sleep 😴 I now have Dp feeling guilty for not getting me anything even though we both agreed not too!

Yesterday was my last day of isolation so today I went to Sainsburys and bought myself new pjs, so a shower and new pjs has cheered me up 😅 Last one of us to get it is out of isolation tomorrow!

OP posts:
Catflapkitkat · 24/12/2021 21:52

Have you already handed over the presents for your siblings? If not keep them for yourself. It sounds as if they get more than enough from your Mother. But definitely downgrade next year. Late teens early 20s are quite capable of buying you a token gift or clubbing together to get your something.

You really went wrong by agreeing with your DH to not get each other anything - small budget is the thing here. For 20 quid you can get a few treats - book, chocolates, I like mini cross stitch kit would make me happy.

Get your DH to enquire if there was a reason his mother why you didn't get a gift?Seems odd for you to be left out when when she normally buys you a gift.

gofg · 24/12/2021 21:56

Don't buy for anyone who doesn't buy for you next year, and buy yourself a present.

RandomMess · 24/12/2021 21:56

Definitely stop sibling gifts at 21 and token if they aren't reciprocating at all.

Kassalah · 24/12/2021 22:08

@gofg

Don't buy for anyone who doesn't buy for you next year, and buy yourself a present.
Yes, this.
Newmumlake · 24/12/2021 22:09

Think of the future ❤️ You sound like a super organised amazing mum making it nice for your kids - one day they will be buying you gifts. These feelings and emotions won’t be forever. Concentrate on making it nice for them this year x

phishy · 24/12/2021 22:48

Honestly, just stop buying for all of them - Mum, step-dad, siblings, MIL. - the lot.

Spend your money on your dc and yourself.

Your mum is clearly favouring her children with your step-dad, don’t allow her to treat you as the black sheep / outsider anymore.

Just bow out.