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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Secret drinking

47 replies

Livvi2021 · 24/12/2021 09:26

I'm feeling really conflicted and wanted to know other people's opinion on this please. I've been going through a really difficult time these past 7 months. I had a baby and the birth was really traumatic. I've ended up with PND and started medicating with alcohol. Ive felt ashamed and embarrassed and not known how to cope with my emotions (am waiting for mental health support, on a list, so am seeking help). But in the meantime I have been self medicating. My husband confronted me about it last night and I admitted it and that I'm trying to get help for it but I've not felt able to tell him etc. He said he has known for the past four months, been going through my stuff, but hasn't known what to do or didn't want to 'rock the boat' because he knows how hard everything has been for me/us both. He says he wants to help me deal with things which is great.

But, I feel angry that he has known for so long and didn't say anything, as I didn't feel able to bring it up with him, I've felt so helpless and alone. He has asked before and I've lied, but he's never outright said 'i know' which he did last night. I just really wish he had because then I would have had the support sooner. But also I feel so stupid and violated, like he's just been watching over me, spying on me. There's been so many times he's been off with me and I've asked him why and I wondered if it's because he knew but he never said, just said he was tired. But, I feel I have no right to feel this way, as I am the one who has been deceitful. Opinions please? (And please try to be kind, I don't need berating, I already feel bad enough about this whole situation). Up

OP posts:

PersonaNonGarter · 24/12/2021 09:31

YABU

You are desperate to make this someone else’s fault and some how spread the blame. But honestly, it was you that had the responsibility to bring this into the open. And it’s you - only you - that can fix it. Other people may support you, or not, but really you need to own this.

usethedata · 24/12/2021 09:32

It sounds like he didn't know how to raise it or how best to support you. No judgement here but please know that alcohol is known to make depression worse, so best to limit it if at all possible. Have you considered antidepressants?

wetpebbles · 24/12/2021 09:33

It would have been the right time to bring it up for him, now it's out in the open can you move forward with a plan together?

GreenestValley · 24/12/2021 09:33

I imagine he wanted you to open up about it proactively rather than having to confront you. That’s a last resort.

Either way you’re here now and it sounds like he wants to support you which is the main thing. Can you discuss a plan for handling it together?

0palescent · 24/12/2021 09:35

If I was in his shoes, I'd feel I shouldn't push you to tell me before you were ready. Many people who secretly drink will deny deny deny, and feel ashamed/embarrased/angry, rather than being accepting or honest, when someone says, "I already know".

You say you would have accepted help, but you say that in hindsight, and he isn't a psychic, so he won't have known how you would have reacted. Please don't blame him. Accept the support now, and look at help from professionals too.

Arabelladrinkstea · 24/12/2021 09:36

I’m so sorry you’re going through this - I too have had horrendous battles with alcohol addiction so I can relate, to both what your doing and now how your feeling towards DH.

Right now your normal healthy perspective is warped by the pain your in and the alcohol.
If he’s willing to help you and work with this then that’s brilliant.
Try and almost forget how you got to here - the main thing is now it’s out in the open - you can do something about it - together as a team, you have his love and support.
Please use it and don’t push him away.

Fallagain · 24/12/2021 09:36

You have an alcohol problem/are an alcoholic. It has come about from a difficult situation but you need to accept responsibility for your own drinking in order to be able to stop.

MrsTimRiggins · 24/12/2021 09:37

Please don’t try to shift blame onto him, he’s been in a very difficult position and actually I don’t know many people who would know how best to bring up their post-natally depressed wife’s problem drinking. He must have been very worried you’d react badly or that he’d make the situation worse. Perhaps there was an element of hoping you’d bring it up or even of burying his head in the sand a little.
This is on you alone to fix. It’s great you’re able to admit you have a problem, that’s a step towards getting help and formulating a plan to move forward and away from your alcoholism.
Best of luck

namechange30455 · 24/12/2021 09:39

I say this as someone whose relationship nearly ended because of my own secret drinking.

He did ask you and you lied. You can't blame him for that. You can't blame him for any of it. You're the one drinking. By focusing on his approach to letting you know he knows, you're just trying to deflect the problem. Have some consideration for how he must feel in all this.

Have you not been offered antidepressants?

Alcohol is a depressant. It's making you feel worse. I'm sure you know that.

felulageller · 24/12/2021 09:40

This is impossible to answer without know how much you are actually drinking and the circumstances around it.

Are you having a couple of glasses of wine after dinner at night or swigging from a vodka bottle when you wake??

Oblomov21 · 24/12/2021 09:44

Hang on a sec, he asked you before. And you lied.

WabbitsAndWeasels · 24/12/2021 09:47

I think you need to stop phrasing this as self medicating, it is not in any way helping you as you are misusing it. As other posters have said, you've lied in the past, don't blame him for not being more blunt. I think your entire house needs to go alcohol free ASAP as well as seeking support for alcohol dependency as well as mental health support. If you aren't an alcoholic (do you feel dependent on alcohol?) You currently have an extremely unhealthy relationship with it.

I'm a child of an alcoholic so have a pretty low tolerance for its misuse and tbh it's given me a bit of a screwed up relationship with alcohol so I'm aware I may be a bit harsh here. I was older (maybe about 6/7) though when I became aware there was a problem so I in no way think you've negatively affected your child at this point but you need help to turn this around.

Franklyfrost · 24/12/2021 09:47

First off, ‘self medicating’ isn’t a thing as alcohol doesn’t treat depression.

Secondly, it sounds like your partner tried to give you opportunities to tell him while avoiding confronting you.

Don’t push away this chance to get some support during such a difficult time.

LawnFever · 24/12/2021 09:48

Well it’s out in the open now so you need to work out a way through this OP.

How much are you drinking and how did you think you were hiding it? Drinking wine pretending it was apple juice? Putting it in a mug?

Are you noticeably drunk when you’re looking after your baby? You need to get help for your depression, can you see your GP?

hugr · 24/12/2021 09:49

@felulageller

This is impossible to answer without know how much you are actually drinking and the circumstances around it.

Are you having a couple of glasses of wine after dinner at night or swigging from a vodka bottle when you wake??

I mean if OP thinks it's a problem then it's a problem....

SheWoreYellow · 24/12/2021 09:51

What does the waiting for help mean exactly? I think you might be better going to your gp and trying antidepressants.

I can understand that you feel really embarrassed about your husband knowing, but I think you need to try and move on from that as it’s really a side issue.

What are you drinking? Can you work out a plan to cut back and then stop?

LividLaVidaLoca · 24/12/2021 09:51

This isn’t his fault.

You need to take action NOW. Not wait for the NHS to catch up with you.

That means going to AA, as often as you can physically make it, and telling the TRUTH.

Every time. The trust will have gone and I promise you that’s at least as hard for him to deal with as the booze is for you.

The100thHoliday · 24/12/2021 09:52

Secret drinking and medicating with alcohol = a slide into alcoholism.

It doesn’t really matter who is right or wrong on this situation. You’ve got a problem with alcohol.

Don’t wait for ‘mental health support’ to get help with your drinking. There is support, including AA and NHS services, available over Christmas.

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 24/12/2021 09:52

You need to see a GP, some help and medicated properly. Self medicating with alcohol isn’t medicating. Your DH and you lied, what was he supposed to do? He probably didn’t know how to approach it.

PotteringAlong · 24/12/2021 09:55

But, I feel angry that he has known for so long and didn't say anything, as I didn't feel able to bring it up with him, I've felt so helpless and alone. He has asked before and I've lied,

So he DID say something! He asked and you lied to him! This is not his fault!

IncessantNameChanger · 24/12/2021 09:56

Sometimes we want someone to save us or as said above take some of the blame.

The best person to save you, is you. The best person to help you change the situation is you. You deserve better or yourself. Dont look back. This sounds cheesy but if your own hero, and save yourself then you always have that hero on call whatever the situation. "She needed a hero so that's who she became" which you have done seeking out help.

No one says how hard being a mum.can be. But plenty do understand. Its gets better honestly

Toloveandtowork · 24/12/2021 09:57

As far as I understand it, you are drinking to cope with some kind of trauma, so that you don't feel emotions that are unbearable to you at the moment.
Ignore the people criticising you. Easy for them to judge, blame and take the superior position.
I'd advise tackling it yourself with the help if a therapist so you can explore these emotions in a safe space.
I don't think here is a safe space because the shame you already feel combined with the shaming here could send you over the edge.
What you need is support, not being beaten by a stick.

Tal45 · 24/12/2021 10:03

He obviously had his reasons for not feeling he could confront you just as you had your reasons for not feeling you could tell him. It might be easier for you to blame him then take responsibility for yourself but it won't help you in the long run.

Drinking is not the answer to any of your problems, it is just going to make them all a lot, lot worse. Can you just stop without feeling terrible? Can you agree no alcohol in the house? Can you look at when you are drinking and change your routine so you are not alone at those times? Do you have a relative that could come and stay with you and help? Can you go out with your lo everyday and keep as busy as possible to distract yourself? Can you plan a drive with your lo every evening so if you had a drink it would be dangerous (obviously assuming you wouldn't drink and drive!!)?

Finally I seriously think you need to go on anti d's if you aren't already. There is no situation where medicating with alcohol is better than medicating with anti d's so please, please get some asap, for your sake and for your families sake. The longer you let the drinking go on the harder it is going to be. Turn this around now for you get in too deep.

Tal45 · 24/12/2021 10:04

*before you get in too deep.

Choconuts · 24/12/2021 10:06

Please please please be honest with your husband and get help before your child is aware of what is going on. I grew up with an alcoholic father and it was awful.

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