Secret drinking

[Livvi2021]

I'm feeling really conflicted and wanted to know other people's opinion on this please. I've been going through a really difficult time these past 7 months. I had a baby and the birth was really traumatic. I've ended up with PND and started medicating with alcohol. Ive felt ashamed and embarrassed and not known how to cope with my emotions (am waiting for mental health support, on a list, so am seeking help). But in the meantime I have been self medicating. My husband confronted me about it last night and I admitted it and that I'm trying to get help for it but I've not felt able to tell him etc. He said he has known for the past four months, been going through my stuff, but hasn't known what to do or didn't want to 'rock the boat' because he knows how hard everything has been for me/us both. He says he wants to help me deal with things which is great.

But, I feel angry that he has known for so long and didn't say anything, as I didn't feel able to bring it up with him, I've felt so helpless and alone. He has asked before and I've lied, but he's never outright said 'i know' which he did last night. I just really wish he had because then I would have had the support sooner. But also I feel so stupid and violated, like he's just been watching over me, spying on me. There's been so many times he's been off with me and I've asked him why and I wondered if it's because he knew but he never said, just said he was tired. But, I feel I have no right to feel this way, as I am the one who has been deceitful. Opinions please? (And please try to be kind, I don't need berating, I already feel bad enough about this whole situation). Up

I used alcohol to cope after the birth of my second dc. I was in a really horrible place mentally and I felt it was the only way I could get through the day.
My partner and close family didn't know I was drinking at first but soon caught on and would tell me they could smell alcohol on me or that my eyes looked 'glassy'.
I would lie and say it was impossible and ended up pushing everyone away.
I couldn't see that they only wanted the best for me and we're worried.
You have done a great thing in admitting it. This is the first step forward.
Your partner sounds very supportive and will have been worrying about how to tell you he knows and working through thinking himself about how to help you with this. He hasn't been spying in the creepy intrusive sense.
Ask yourself, would you really have admitted it to him the first time he suspected?
Don't deflect onto him. It's yourself you're angry with.
Take all his support and get the help you need before things spiral.

I think yabu blaming him for not bringing up something you found it hard to bring up.

*were

Yes, @hugr, I agree that if the OP thinks it’s a problem, it’s a problem, but the quantity might affect some advice. For example, whether it’s a good idea to go cold turkey. I think the details have some relevance.

Ffs please don't have a go at the OP, I get the impression she's feeling pretty shitty right now.

You talk about embarrassment, shame and anger.

Take all of these feelings out of it for a moment. Do you want to stop drinking? If so, I recommend going to an AA meeting. And if you are drinking heavily, you may also need to go to the GP for help gradually coming off the alcohol.

Alcoholism is a progressive illness but you can stop drinking, if you want to, but many alcoholics find they cannot do so until they are able to admit it is a problem and seek proper support through AA.

There are daily meetings in most areas.

Good luck OP.

Sorry to hear you have been unwell since you had your baby.
Unfortunately, no-one can stop you from srinking alcohol but yourself, and secret drinking is an extremely bad sign. Please don;t think that because you have signed up for "help", they will somehow solve this problem for you - no-one can. You have to stop drinking.

Your husband is not to blame in any way so please don;t deflect any anger and frustration onto him. Just stop drinking - completely. Believe me, you can do it, if you want to. If you don;t want to, no amount of therapy or " rehab" can make you stop.

Stop now, for the sake of your family.

Instead of ‘waiting for support’ and drinking whilst doing so, I would speak with an addiction support service.

This isn’t something that can wait.

YANBU, OP. Please don't feel ashamed. It's very hard to suffer an addiction without additional negative feelings on top.

AA will be your best bet. The NHS route will be much longer. If you can start with a forum or something, even that will help in the short term. Keep a log of your drinking (must be honest) and go from there.

Neither of you are BU. Addiction is hard, getting someone to admit to addiction is also hard. You will need to be a team x

I’m not judging you. I’m a recovering alcoholic.

Secret drinking and shame are dangerous behaviours, whether it’s an extra glass of wine from the bottle when you think your DH isn’t looking, or vodka in the morning. That behaviour only leads one way. Please seek specialist help for the drinking ASAP. Therapeutic support is much more likely to help if you’re sober.

Oh OP, this is so difficult and honestly neither one of you are to "blame." Blame leads to guilt, anger, anxiety, frustration and all other manner of negative emotions. It isn't going to help you going forward. You can't change the past, only make a commitment to the future. My advice would be,

1. Open conversation between you both. You need to explain how much, how often and what you are drinking and why - is it to numb emotions, is it to feel more confident, is it to soothe anxiety etc...
2. GP appointment. Again, honesty is key. Depending on how much you're drinking it can be dangerous to stop suddenly so speak to your doctor and ask for a referral to alcohol services. In some areas you can do this yourself so Google would be your friend here.
3. Find a good support group. AA or a local group. This is your way of self-medicating now, not alcohol.
4. Find an alternative drink. Something that feels indulgent without the alcohol.
5. Tell your trusted friends and family. You have done nothing wrong OP. You have experienced a significant life event and have tried to deal with it in a way that you now realise isn't the most helpful. Please do NOT feel ashamed or embarrassed. People who care about you will want to support you and you must let them.

IME many alcoholics have high anxiety, low self-esteem and feel they do not deserve happiness/kindness/success/any of the nice things in life. That is simply not true. Alcohol dependence is an illness. You wouldn't keep diabetes, asthma, epilepsy or any other medical condition to yourself or feel ashamed. So don't do it with this. All the very best on your journey OP 🤗

I've been where your husband is now, with the stark difference that my late husband never acknowledged he had a problem.

He ask you. You lied. That interaction set the scene for everything he has done since. Living with an alcoholic is hard, painful, stressful. So set aside your resentment of him, be glad he is still with you and supporting you and start your recovery now.

That means not waiting until after Christmas. It means seeking out specialist support even if you are still drinking, it means contacting your GP to get medical support, it means putting all your energy into your recovery.

I wish you well and I hope you make it.

He hasn't done anything wrong. He suspected it, you lied, he checked until he was sure and then told you he knew when he was absolutely certain.

Don't fall into the classic alcoholic's trap in making it his fault and being offended that he made sure of his suspicions before coming back to you. That never ends well.

Oh OP this was exactly me 15 years ago and it all came to a head on Christmas Day. I was self medicating (which is how my Dr described it) with alcohol just like you. It is so painful to admit both to yourself and others that you have a problem and the more you drink the more your body needs. Your DH has been as scared and worried as you are and it is a difficult thing to deal with. It’s not spoken about much so he probably didnt know what to say. Lots of men just walk out and pretend it’s not happening so it’s good you have his support. PM me if you need support as I am now sober and happy but I didn’t go down an easy path to get here. Have an unmumsnetty hug from me x

Thank you for everyone taking the time to respond to me. I suspected I was deflecting the real issue at hand, as my thinking is definitely skewed at present so thank you for confirming this. That is what I needed.

Thank you also to those of you offering advice and kind words, it's much appreciated.

Sounds like you are blaming others, standard alcoholic behaviour

I’m saying this in kindness but your anger is misplaced. He asked, and you denied it. Please book an appointment to see your GP and see what help is on offer. I think admitting you’ve got an issue is the first step.

OP. My husband's late partner (my DSD's mother) did this. She died of it when my DSD was 4. I cannot describe to you the trauma they went through, seeing her mother like that. You need to stop this. You need proper help. Please be honest with your husband and seek help from your doctor. The effects of this can be devastating.

I took up heavy drinking during lockdown one up until the start of this year when I finally decided to quit. It was a horrible year. Getting drunk in the evenings gave me something to look forward to, it was a relief, a release, it helped but it also made everything so much worse.

I did find myself feeling a bit resentful towards OH for not stepping in to try to help, he obviously noticed I was drinking a lot and in a bad place but he either didn't care or didn't know what to do to help. (We have more serious problems tbh, hardly spent any time together so it's not surprising, but anyway..) But actually, looking back, there's nothing he could have really done to help. If he'd have confronted me I'd have felt ashamed and angry. I was on a downward spiral and I needed to hit rock bottom before I decided to drag myself back up.

Good luck if you decide to quit or cut back on drinking, OP, I feel so much healthier physically and mentally since stopping.

This isn’t his fault. Don’t blame him.
Accept his help and move forward.

He’s not a mind reader. It’s really difficult to know how someone will react when they’re using alcohol for support.
You want to help yourself, sounds like you’re willing to accept help and he wants to support you —- you’re well over 50% there.
While you’re waiting for face to face counselling support, could you find support online. Search AA, there might be online groups who can help you.
Don’t be too harsh on yourself.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Your husband sounds understanding, supportive and like he is not an expert in support somebody with a dependency on alcohol. He is trying his best and clearly loves you and wants to support you.

Do you feel able to stop drinking on your own your own or is it something you would like help with? I read a book called the unexpected joy of being sober and then didn't drink for a year - it recalibrated my relationship with alcohol and now I am able to drink at more usual levels - friends have had to commit to lifelong sobriety.

I developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol when I had PND and then the utter crushing feeling of trapped boredom of the toddler years... I would buy secret wine, drink shots of gin and claim to have had a g&t when questioned. A habit became a need and a need became an addiction...