User guide: how to make real friends

[FriendshipsAreHardForMe]

Hi guys. I need some friendly advice please. No judgement please.

I'm in my 30s and throughout my life I've struggled to make what I consider as "real" friends.

I keep myself fairly guarded emotionally. I'm great at small talk (I think) and probably come across quite confident initially. But once the small talk has worn off I struggle to move from acquaintance to friend.

I often leave social situations feeling insecure and question what I've said. I get that outta body experience where I cringe at myself, even though I'm pretty sure I've been normal (maybe!). I constantly worry Ive come across self centred or that I've asked too many questions. You get the jist, I'm insecure around friendships and social situations.

So I have lots of people I stop and say hi to, ask how the family are etc, but only a small number of people who I have regular contact with and, if I'm honest, only one or two who I open up to.

I also struggle with coming up with interesting conversation after a while.

AIBU to ask how you move acquaintances into "real" friend category? Is it just a natural skill or can you please share some tips?!

Caveat; I have young children so free time without kids is very limited.

Join a WI. There are lots running hybrid or just virtual these days if you can't get out much. It really is great for making new friends 18+.

You sound just like me. Luckily I have two sisters who are like friends but I struggle otherwise.

Is it possible that you may have some difficulty such as autism without realising? Do any of the other symptoms match you personally?

Same here. I have very low confidence as I was burnt badly by a group of friends in my early 20s, never really recovered. Can’t seem to make proper friends, I always think nobody likes me & im annoying! But fake confidence so I don’t think many people realise.
Total imposter but wish I had some more good friends.

@Alayalaya

Is it possible that you may have some difficulty such as autism without realising? Do any of the other symptoms match you personally?

Well actually I've been considering this recently. My long term partner also agrees its a possibility.

I hate uncertainty and can have the odd meltdown if someone/something causes me to be late. Last year there was a day when our plans changed due to a family member. I'm ashamed to say I spent about half an hour howling upstairs in my room. I just lost my shit. I felt silly afterwards as it was really not a big deal at all, I just struggled that the day wasn't going to happen the way I planned.

I can be quite particular in what I like and I do get put off people easily, such as if we have different political or ethical viewpoints. I'm quite quick to dismiss people due to this which makes getting closer hard (and is something I'm trying to work on).

I often feel on the outside of life, even when I'm in the hustle and bustle.

I suspect my father has mild autism.

If I have it, it's mild or at least I'm good at masking.

But I'm empathic and have no problem with eye contact and no sensory issues.

@MerryBumpmas

Same here. I have very low confidence as I was burnt badly by a group of friends in my early 20s, never really recovered. Can’t seem to make proper friends, I always think nobody likes me & im annoying! But fake confidence so I don’t think many people realise. Total imposter but wish I had some more good friends.

I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. I also had a bit of a bad experience at school which made me doubt how good of a friend I am.

I think I do well at acquaintance level. Just struggling to get passed that.

It's lonely isn't it 💐

@User9911

You sound just like me. Luckily I have two sisters who are like friends but I struggle otherwise.

Yes, I'm so grateful for my siblings too. I'm sorry you also feel like this!

Oh yes this sounds like me too. I have had various previous friendships not worked out and I now doubt myself completely. I have in fact all but given up trying to make new friends.
I spent some time trying to establish friendships by doing things like volunteering at school and going to mum coffees. And I found talk just never went beyond small talk. It was exhausting after a while. I went to mum group coffees for ages and never really felt I was getting anywhere. It was just consuming a lot of time. I do have two friends I feel a little closer to (although I only see them very rarely) and they are from when I used to work before kids were born. I think the bonding experience of working together sitting next to each other for a few years did develop a deeper friendship eventually.

I'm in the same situation too so no help but if you do find a user guide please let us know! I have no friends at all like a pp, I had a disastrous end to a friendship group in my late teens and have had no friends since. While I'm aware of some of the next steps I totally panic if an acquaintance makes them. For example I got on really well with two colleagues a few years ago and one invited us to their house for lunch, then the other did, then it was clearly my turn. I was filled with so much dread and panic about it I just never spoke to them again. I still feel sad about it as I really liked them
Are there people in this situation who don't think they have autism? People have suggested I do but I don't think I do and I don't meet the diagnostic criteria either. I just want to learn how to behave like a normal person. Does anyone know if there's an app? I know there's social stories for kids but is there an adult version?

Try joining a book group? For interesting conversations.

I think it does help to have something to discuss. Rather than just random chat about anything at all. So a project to work on together for instance.

Perhaps try the peanut app

Read the book Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

In a very very basic nutshell: one’s ability to be vulnerable and sort of put it all out there/let your real self be on show is the way to true happiness and meaningful relationships.

So you sa that you doubt yourself and you sometimes come away from interactions cringing or questioning yourself. Sounds like low self esteem. Your family and partner don’t view you like that and they know you best presumably? And I would venture that you’re yourself around them? Think about how safe and easy you feel in your most secure relationships, and think of how to let yourself (dare greatly) to be like that with new people too.

Book group, cycling club, running club. All super friendly in my experience. You have a shared interest and regular contact with the same communities. If you are on the reserved side, you are bound to meet extroverts who will involve you in social arrangements.

Forget self-diagnosing with autism, forget bad experiences with female friendship groups when you were younger. Dwelling on those things will make you feel worse. January is a good time to join new clubs etc., because loads of other people will be doing the same thing. Good luck!

Can totally relate to all of this. I'm in my earlier forties and don't make friends at all easily. I feel like I've never been well-liked since being a small child at school and now, I will make the initial overtures with people because I do want friends, but as soon as things start to progress, I can immediately feel myself wanting to withdraw. Underneath, I think I've decided I'm not actually very likeable and definitely don't quite know how to navigate the friendship journey beyond the initial phase. I do have a couple of good friends who I really value but don't have a friendship group at all. I think that it's a combination of fear of rejection and just not knowing how to develop friendships, which ends up leading to a sort of confirmation bias situation, where the friendship going nowhere reinforces my belief that I'm not likeable and causes a vicious cycle. It's odd because I feel sad that I don't have many friends but then I also feel a huge sense of relief when I don't have to be sociable and can stick in my comfort zone... But then I feel lonely. I have also wondered about possible undiagnosed ASD but the online tests never say I have it. I think I probably have traits of it though...

Do you actually need/want friends?

I used to feel exactly the same as you but as I got older I realised I was actually pretty happy in my own company. I find social situations exhausting at the best of times and the idea of having a non family member being emotionally involved in my life makes me feel claustrophobic.

I really like the IDEA of good friends but in reality its not my thing. And that is absolutely OK.

Pre covid I went to a few different activities such as yoga, craft classes etc and enjoyed them and chatted to people while I was there and came home feeling socially stimulated, and that really was enough for me.

Are you meeting, or have you met, people you are drawn to and actively want to see more of, OP? Are these acquaintances people you find really interesting and attractive? Because one of the things I notice about a lot of the posts on here from people who lack and want friends is that they appear to view ‘other people’ as a pretty generic category.

I think the most important thing is to be brave. I always struggled making friends then at one workplace got chatting to a new girl who had two kids similar age to mine.

At the end of the day she said ‘you seem cool, do you want to come with me and my kids and bring your kids to the soft play on Saturday?’

And that was it. After that she would text me often, saying let’s get coffee, let’s go shopping etc and we’re still friends now.

Lots of times I’ve wanted to do that but always felt awkward/embarrassed but I think that’s the main thing - asking someone to do things/setting dates and carrying through with them, then the move from acquaintance to friend just happens.

@Kanaloa

I think the most important thing is to be brave. I always struggled making friends then at one workplace got chatting to a new girl who had two kids similar age to mine.

At the end of the day she said ‘you seem cool, do you want to come with me and my kids and bring your kids to the soft play on Saturday?’

And that was it. After that she would text me often, saying let’s get coffee, let’s go shopping etc and we’re still friends now.

Lots of times I’ve wanted to do that but always felt awkward/embarrassed but I think that’s the main thing - asking someone to do things/setting dates and carrying through with them, then the move from acquaintance to friend just happens.

I have a few mum friends who I meet for playdates. I don't generally find it hard to find people to do bits and bobs with.

It's moving beyond the kid chat and small talk that I find difficult. Feeling a genuine connection.

Ive met a lot of mums in the past few years and we have gone to soft play, shopping, lunch etc but then it's fizzled out. And I find the chat becomes difficult after a while.

It's one of the reasons I wonder if I have a social issue as I can do all the superficial social stuff, but when it comes to making a "real" friend, it just doesn't seem to happen.

I get why people suggest groups and I think that's probably a good option. But I don't really have the time to dedicate myself at the moment. And I think I may have a similar problem; the friendships will only go so far before fizzling out

Yes I get what you mean op. For me I think it takes a massive amount of time and the right circumstances for an actual friendship rather than an acquaintance. For instance I have a good friend from a long time ago. We spent days and days together doing a science project at university. But I just don’t have the time to develop this sort of friendship now.

What is it you're looking for in a friendship OP? For me I'd like to find people I could occasionally join to go to soft play, shopping, lunch like you say you already have. I've not managed to get to that point so it sounds like you're doing well. Is it about meeting someone you just click with and are on the same wavelength about everything? Perhaps asking deeper questions rather than small talk and see where it goes? Finding a shared project or dream?

But that’s my point, @FriendshipsAreHardForMe. Friendships don’t just emerge out of random people thrown together by circumstance, you need to actively like and be interested in and attracted to the other person or people, not be ‘Oh, they’re fine and we have children the same age.’ And obviously they need to like you back. You sound as if you’re running out of conversation because these aren’t people you find particularly interesting.

I moved countries in early 2020 and ended up spending a fair bit of time with the parents of DS’s new schoolfriends (they’re only 9/10, so too young to go to city-centre parks solo), so that was entirely random. BUT I actually really like them all (well, all but one of the dads, who is quite odd) and these days we often see one another independently of the children. One couple has divorced and the woman moved away with their son, but I still see/talk to both of them regularly. One woman is an artist and musician , and I’m a writer who’s very interested in art, so we bond on that and go to exhibitions and gigs. One is an architect with an interest in old buildings, so we poke around old houses and auction sales.

What I’m saying is that being thrown together won’t in itself lead to friendships. If these people and their lives don’t fundamentally interest you, of course you’ll run out of chitchat.

i actually never found mum groups or book clubs ect any good for moving past friendly acquintance.. also did yoga groups but often find that peope go together.
Might be me though as I see people at work that have lots of friends past the initial acquintance!

I think to make real friends you have to open up emotionally and confide personal stuff.

Could you be experiencing some social anxiety?

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/social-anxiety/

I had this quite significantly as a teenager and in my 20s it did really improve in my 30s but I definitely still experience similar things to what you've described

I think I'm also just naturally an introvert too so really do much better 1:1 than any large groups and really like the time on my own and as I've got more at peace with myself and understand myself more it doesn't bother me and I feel happy to have the few close friendships I do have. I find it hard with mum friends as there is just too much going on with the kids around so I can't focus on the conversation anyway

I think there is an online quiz you can take re autism symptoms but it's not automatically that I guess there could be a variety of reasons for you as an individual why you find it hard