User guide: how to make real friends

[FriendshipsAreHardForMe]

Hi guys. I need some friendly advice please. No judgement please.

I'm in my 30s and throughout my life I've struggled to make what I consider as "real" friends.

I keep myself fairly guarded emotionally. I'm great at small talk (I think) and probably come across quite confident initially. But once the small talk has worn off I struggle to move from acquaintance to friend.

I often leave social situations feeling insecure and question what I've said. I get that outta body experience where I cringe at myself, even though I'm pretty sure I've been normal (maybe!). I constantly worry Ive come across self centred or that I've asked too many questions. You get the jist, I'm insecure around friendships and social situations.

So I have lots of people I stop and say hi to, ask how the family are etc, but only a small number of people who I have regular contact with and, if I'm honest, only one or two who I open up to.

I also struggle with coming up with interesting conversation after a while.

AIBU to ask how you move acquaintances into "real" friend category? Is it just a natural skill or can you please share some tips?!

Caveat; I have young children so free time without kids is very limited.

@Bin85

I think to make real friends you have to open up emotionally and confide personal stuff.

Exactly and that takes time.

Join things that allow you to share common interests - amateur dramatics, book club, running group, craft groups etc or volunteer somewhere that gives you something back emotionally ie something active.
What you are describing is very common - and some of the traits are very positive - we all know people who talk endlessly about nothing!

Just posting to let you know that you're not alone, I've often felt like an outsider in the past. But, talking to others, it's not unusual.
If it's any help, it gets a lot better after menopause, as you tend not to overthink things so much. And I'm afraid this is overthinking. Just do what you like doing (as long as it's not sitting in your room alone) and do it because you enjoy doing it. Don't expect to make friends, Sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. But, if you don't, you're still enjoying yourself.
If it helps, the most boring people I know have heaps of friends. I can only think that other people don't judge us as harshly as we do ourselves. And what appeals to people is people who like themselves.

I also don't want many friends that I open up to, it would be too exhausting to have more. Just one or two. Most of my friends are people I chat with about our interests.

So glad to find this thread even if it's from a few weeks ago. I think it's common to feel this way.

I've hit a bit of a wall at the moment as two long term friendships have ended in the last 5 years. No drama..just life and covid to some extent. They were people I thought I'd be friends with for life, but of course that probably doesn't happen.

I have some acquaintances and friends of DH, but embarrassed to say I don't have friends of my own.

I chat to my neighbours when I see them, take my dog out with a neighbour, speak to my colleagues and get the odd text for favours or information from mum acquaintances from the DCs school, but nothing beyond that. DH has loads of friends and is out weekly for drinks with them. I definitley don't have that. I have to pretend that I'm looking forward to a night in peace when he goes out , But really I'm quite sad about it. I hate the feeling that he feels sorry for me though which I think he may do a bit.

I totally realise that it's down to me as I'm the common denominator..I'm an introvert and like my own company so find groups difficult. I struggle with small talk and find it all exhausting. But I do put on a face for going out. Id love a few close friends to meet up with occassioanlly like I had. But it's so hard getting that especially now most of my work is at home and the DCs are older.

DH says I'm too fussy and need to accept we all have our faults, I will exclude people when I notice other people wouldn't. I just find that all a bit fake. An example is a group we met when our eldest was very young at nursery. 6 parents including us and all had toddlers of the same age. We spent loads of time together, all had our second child around the same time. It should have been great. But then the back stabbing and competitiveness came in. One would come to my house and talk about the other. I found it so awkward. When the eldest DCs started school it was all competitive and got worse over time. We moved a short distance away and I used that as a reason to cut it off. DH felt the same way. But they are all still friends. I see them on FB all the time. Yet they never had a good word to say. I just don't get it. Fakery seems to be a big part of frienships
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@Iamthewombat

Book group, cycling club, running club. All super friendly in my experience. You have a shared interest and regular contact with the same communities. If you are on the reserved side, you are bound to meet extroverts who will involve you in social arrangements.

Forget self-diagnosing with autism, forget bad experiences with female friendship groups when you were younger. Dwelling on those things will make you feel worse. January is a good time to join new clubs etc., because loads of other people will be doing the same thing. Good luck!

Wise words from @Iamthewombat

If you join a club, there's less pressure to make friends as the focus is on the sport/ interest. But if you see people regularly, then friendships may grow from that