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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH not bought me a present...

39 replies

ThesecondLEM · 23/12/2021 21:07

But I've spent a fair bit on him on things he doesn't need but I know he will definitely like and use, plus some odds and sods.

Pretty easy for me, I have amazon prime and he's expressed a desire for these things.

Me on the other hand..... Fucking awkward. There's nothing I really need, clothes are a big no as I'm overweight and awkward size. He also won't have had time to go shopping.

What do I Want? A faberge ring, but they are wwwwaaaaaayyyy beyond budget and I'd be horrified actually. Alternatively a silver ring with amber.

I don't want last munite panic bought shite either. No perfume, no shit quality smelliest, no slippers etc.

I did ask for panniers for my bike but I don't think he took the hint and commented that it's not for me, not personal.

So I get it, I'm impossible to buy for.

So how do I stop it being awkward?

OP posts:
GoodVibesHere · 23/12/2021 21:14

What do you mean, who feels akward you or him?

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2021 21:17

Why do you think it’s your fault that your husband hasn’t bought you a present? Hmm

Davros · 23/12/2021 21:19

This

DH not bought me a present...
Thatsplentyjack · 23/12/2021 21:20

Mine hasn't either. Even although I actually sent him an link to the thing I wanted with the colour and size. He didn't bother ordering it. There's nothing else I want but apparently he's going to the shops tomorrow to buy me a load of shit I don't want or need. He spent 50 quid at the beginning of the week, apparently it was for a gift for me. It's not, it was for the bookies, but I obviously button up the back.

CountTessa · 23/12/2021 21:22

Why would you be rhe one who feels awkward? You've put some effort and thought into it.

I'm not an easy person to buy for because I don't like smellies, I don't want stuff. I'd be happy with a bar of chocolate or a nice book. But I don't want stuff. I don't really see why you should feel embarrassed.

Also you don't actually have to give him any of the presents if you feel it would 'put too much pressure' on him.

Original poster
ThesecondLEM · 23/12/2021 21:23

He will feel sad, oh well, maybe I'll order the ring.....

If he mentions it again I'll tell him the jewelers is still open tomorrow....

OP posts:
Caterinasballerinas · 23/12/2021 21:23

Could this be rescued by asking for your present to be some cash to spend on yourself and the time to do that. So if you have DC you get a day to yourself to do what you like, shopping or a spa and order the things for your bike online while sipping a coffee!

Original poster
ThesecondLEM · 23/12/2021 21:25

But then again, that would mean a huge spend.

He'll have to owe me

OP posts:
housemaus · 23/12/2021 21:27

It sounds like you're trying to pre-justify him not having bought you a Christmas present. Or more accurately, pre-empting his excuses for not having bought one.

  1. He knows when Christmas is, same time every year. He has, 100%, had a single spare 30 minutes in the entire year to order something online or go to a shop.
  1. You've given him an idea - panniers - that he has already dismissed, so he can't say he had no idea whatsoever, and even if he really didn't think that was suitable, he could have asked you to make a list of 10 things he really thought you'd love.
  1. He could also have Amazon Prime. There isn't rule where only one person can have access to easy online shopping (and again, other online retailers are available). He's had all of December to figure that part out. Presents aren't only bought if you can get them from one specific retailer on next day delivery.
  1. Does he tell you you're awkward to buy for? I get the impression he does. Which I think is quite sad - surely he knows you well enough to guess, or knows you well enough to know you'd prefer asking directly (as DH and I often do)? It's a pisspoor excuse if he just says you're too awkward when one of the things you'd like - a silver ring with amber - is thoughtful, personal, and inexpensive, and he could just have asked you.
  1. I assume you're not utterly brassic if you've bought him presents, so he can't blame money (and even if so, you could have set a £10 limit or something if that was the issue).
  1. You mention not wanting low-effort, last minute gifts. Has he done this before? Suggests to me that you're really just craving him showing you he gives a shit, in a way that feels personal, have fed him ideas and reminders and you know he's still not going to bother, and you're trying to pre-empt the horrid feeling of once again putting more effort than the other person is into your relationship.

So what this reads as is - you know he won't have bought you anything. When you give him his gifts, he's going to trot out a few shit excuses - busy, didn't know what, didn't have time, you're awkward - designed to either get him off the hook OR make you feel like it's your fault that he hasn't done a fairly basic, normal thing in a relationship.

Christmas presents are not the be all and end all. At all. DH and I aren't doing them this year - but we agreed that. If you have a mutual tradition of gift giving (and therefore a mutual expectation of something, no matter how small), to not buy something for really easily avoided reasons is shitty and low-effort, and you deserve better. Gift giving, when it's a mutually agreed expectation, is about showing thought, that you want to make someone else happy, give them something they'll enjoy. It does not sound like your DH cares very much about that.

It is not that you are awkward, trust me.

I might be wildly extrapolating, but from what you've said, it's that he's a prick.

Original poster
ThesecondLEM · 23/12/2021 21:28

Last year he was spot on with my present and I don't think I actually got him anything, I did have covid and just lost my mum so that might explain that.

We are a bit like that, either spend loads or nothing. We have both been full on busy, he needs to master amazon

OP posts:
Thevoiceofreason2021 · 23/12/2021 21:32

Next year give him a list of options. Or tell him something specific.

Mittenmob · 23/12/2021 21:36

I know this isn't the point of the post but I don't understand why you don't share Amazon prime, why is it just yours?

GoodVibesHere · 23/12/2021 21:36

He could give you a few days of putting your feet up where he does all the housework, cooking etc, bring you cup of tea, breakfast in bed. Tell him to get you a magazine and some nice chocolates, it's better than nothing

Noonoo8589 · 23/12/2021 21:39

I’m pretty sure dh hasn’t got me anything either op and I’m honestly not bothered but I’m feeling awkward as I’ve got him quite a bit and I think he’ll feel terrible,
We never use to buy Xmas, just bdays but for the last 2 years he’s bought me what my mum always use to get me before she died in 2019 which was bath/skincare products from a brand I love but he said earlier he’d not had time to get me a card never mind anything else and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t joking.

FitAt50 · 23/12/2021 21:43

I have a little notebook app on my phone. Throughout the year I write down anything that my husband ever says he likes and it use it to work out his presents. This year he is getting a print of a painting we saw in Scotland on holiday and a Google nest hub as he saw someone using one for recipes in a kitchen and thought that was a great idea. Also a bottle of lemon drizzle gin that he had a glass off back in Feb.

Sleepyquest · 23/12/2021 21:45

Same! Oh well. Bit gutted as I have done EVERYTHING else for Xmas

PegasusReturns · 23/12/2021 21:50

Christmas is once a year at the same time so the “no time to shop” excuse is insulting.

If he cannot think of anything you’d like he’s a dick.

Original poster
ThesecondLEM · 23/12/2021 21:51

@GoodVibesHere in fairness he pretty much does all of those things already. I am very lucky.

OP posts:
Brevet1000 · 23/12/2021 21:54

DH got me panniers for my bike a couple of years ago, they've been brilliant, really useful. How is it not a present for you, if it's something that you would like to use?

Kite22 · 23/12/2021 21:59

It is this that would annoy me:

I did ask for panniers for my bike but I don't think he took the hint and commented that it's not for me, not personal.

You did make a suggestion.
He has decided that your choice of what you want isn't good enough.

My sister has been like this for years - refuses to buy anything I actually want.
For me, the present ought to be what the recipient wants even if it isn't something the giver would want for themselves.

Spectre8 · 23/12/2021 22:07

You say this:

*Me on the other hand..... Fucking awkward. There's nothing I really need, clothes are a big no as I'm overweight and awkward size. He also won't have had time to go shopping.

What do I Want? A faberge ring, but they are wwwwaaaaaayyyy beyond budget and I'd be horrified actually. Alternatively a silver ring with amber.*

So if you, yourself admit that there is nothing you really need and it sounds like a bit of maybe I'd like this well how is he meant to know what to get you then. You say he has clearly expressed desire for x y z, maybe you're not expressing your desire for panniers enough. I can only assume you've been uite lackidaisal about what you want or even said I don't need anything and so when you might express a suggestion he hasn't realised how much you really want it.

Im not excusign your OH but it really riles me when people moan about their OH not buying them a present but in the same breath say they dont need anything. What do you expect then?!

Original poster
ThesecondLEM · 23/12/2021 22:19

@Spectre8. I'm not moaning I'm saying I don't want him to feel awkward.

OP posts:
Shortpoet · 23/12/2021 22:25

As side note you can share your Amazon prime membership with him. So in future he really has no excuse.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/help/customer/display.html?tag=mumsnetforu03-21&nodeId=GWZ7QXD2X8WL8YE8

7eleven · 23/12/2021 22:25

Well OP, I think YABU because now I want a faberge egg! Never even heard of them. Gorgeous!

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/12/2021 22:29

If you want a silver Amber ring just tell him that?

You seem to be making a meal of this.