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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vile brother and SIL

40 replies

whowhatwhen · 23/12/2021 18:18

We (me, DH and DS3) are going to my parents for Christmas Day, my brother, SIL and their little ones will join for Boxing Day.

They (bro and SIL) have had the most horrific row with my parents and said/messaged some truly disgusting, vitriolic, offensive and hurtful things. They are the type of people that you can't have a sensible convo with, if you don't agree with them then shut down or try and shout you down until you do. No ability to have a sensible debate. Quite frankly, it must be exhausting hating people as much as they appear to.

To keep the peace my parents have sent a grovelling 'apology' over WhatsApp, bro and SIL won't engage in person and it's the only thing that would have smoothed it over.

We all have to now act like normal on Boxing Day. AIBU to not want to play happy families and smile superficially at them when they clearly hate my parents (and me and DH but that's a much longer story!).

How do you even get through to people like this? Live and let live/agree to disagree are not part of their lives.

OP posts:
Aubriella · 23/12/2021 18:20

I would go home on Christmas evening.

Why subject yourself to abusive people?

DeclineandFall · 23/12/2021 18:31

We have a similarly difficult SIL/BIL dynamic. The parents constantly pander to them to stop arguments and expected us to do the same. We eventually refused to do it and don't see them at all now. I think you should come home Christmas evening as well or before they arrive. Why make yourselves miserable to keep the peace that will never be kept.

Mrstamborineman · 23/12/2021 18:32

Na I wouldn’t want to spend time with them. Ask your parents what they want, they may like yuo to be there to smooth things over

Muthalucka · 23/12/2021 18:33

Be cold but polite

SlashBeef · 23/12/2021 18:34

Yes I would go home Christmas night or very early boxing day.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/12/2021 18:35

I would go home Xmas evening or go home boxing day after breakfast.

If you have to have overlap and see them. I'd go for the old fake cheer and superficial chat
"How was Christmas? What did the kids get?
Oh timmy did you love your paw patrol set? Which is your favorite one?"

Combined with no being around too much - helping in the kitchen, getting drinks, general fussing

camperqueen54 · 23/12/2021 18:39

I'm sorry but I just don't get what is so special about Christmas that people are willing to subject themselves to this. It's baffling! Just go home.

Movingsoon21 · 23/12/2021 18:39

We have similar OP. It’s taken a while but we are now v v low contact. We had to spell out to PIL that just because they were willing to take abuse didn’t mean we were willing to.

We slowly reduced text contact, never meet up with them alone and never agree to small gatherings like the one you’re planning on Christmas Day. The only interaction we have with them is at big family events like weddings and funerals. At these we keep the conversation very bland and focus on the children.

Think this would be a good plan for you in future too. In the meantime, maybe fake a positive covid test to avoid this Christmas gathering?

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2021 18:40

Yup. I'd leave before they arrive

Yesthatscorrect · 23/12/2021 18:42

We struggled on with my brother and his wife for years starting arguments and highly aggressive debates at otherwise Happy family occasions. Two Christmases ago there was a huge row and now they don't speak to any of us. It's sad and I miss their kids so much but it's actually a relief as the rest of us never argue and just have nice times together.

When I look back I'm glad that I didn't pretend to be something I'm not in order to keep the peace when they quite clearly hated us all along.

I never want anything to do with them ever again.

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 23/12/2021 18:42

@camperqueen54

I'm sorry but I just don't get what is so special about Christmas that people are willing to subject themselves to this. It's baffling! Just go home.
this^^

these people do not dictate your lives.

Stay home, stay safe, stay out of it.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2021 18:42

Absolutely leave before they arrive. Do not condone or pander to their horrific behaviour. It's high time you make a stand.

TizerorFizz · 23/12/2021 18:43

I feel sorry for the parents! They are the losers in this. Take them back with you for Boxing Day?! Seems like they get the rough end of this. Don’t engage with DB and SIL. But ask parents about what they truly want. After all they bright DB into the world!

billy1966 · 23/12/2021 18:44

I would be well gone before the arrive.

Your parents may accept their behaviour, their choice, but you don't have to.

I also would tell your parents you don't want to hear about them either.

They are facilitating their awful behaviour but that doesn't mean you want to hear about it.

Flowers
HeadToToesNo · 23/12/2021 18:46

Another vote for going home on boxing day morning, don't put yourself through that shit would you expect your DC to do it as an adult? No! So lead by example and look after yourselves, and have a lovely stress free boxing day at home.

wantmorenow · 23/12/2021 18:48

Invite your parents to your home boxing day. Give your parents a day off and they can avoid seeing "vile bother and SIL". Disinvite them and make sure there's no-one there to argue with.

Marmelace · 23/12/2021 18:50

I'd be worried about them kicking off in front of you and spoiling Christmas.

Natty13 · 23/12/2021 18:50

I woul leave Boxing Day morning. You know if you are anything less than arse kissing it will be your fault there's an atmosphere don't you?

LizzieW1969 · 23/12/2021 19:09

@camperqueen54

I'm sorry but I just don't get what is so special about Christmas that people are willing to subject themselves to this. It's baffling! Just go home.
I quite agree.
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 23/12/2021 19:10

I would like to think I'd have a fucking go at my brother for being a prize cunt, but I probably wouldn't, I wouldn't want to leave an even worse atmosphere for my parents to deal with. I'd probably just leave the evening before.

Charley50 · 23/12/2021 19:11

I'd go home early unless you feel like your parents need protecting. What was the argument about?

SeaWitchly · 23/12/2021 19:14

I get what everyone is saying about avoiding vile brother and SIL - but the issue I have with this is that their children may be the ones to suffer as they will also lose contact with you. Your nieces/nephews (if applicable) have no way to avoid their obnoxious and aggressive parents and I worry what it might mean for them to become isolated from their grandparents and other extended family. That said, I do understand how toxic these situations can be and there are no easy answers Sad

Grimchmas · 23/12/2021 19:16

What would I do? I'd offer to support my pants if they wanted to uninvited them, and assuming my parents didn't want to do that I'd leave before they were due. Absolutely no way would I choose to be in the same room as people who abused either my parents, or me! And frankly I wouldn't think twice about cutting my brother and I'm his wife dead out of my life if they had gotten for this.

Life is too short for their nonsense.

Beautiful3 · 23/12/2021 19:16

I'd go home Christmas evening. Leave them to it, on boxing day. The stmosphere will be terrible.

ThinWomansBrain · 23/12/2021 19:24

Leave Christmas day or Boxing day morning
Make sure parents know why; if they are trying to "keep the peace" on your account, they need to know that it's a pointless exercise, and you do not appreciate brother & family being vile to them or you.

They may be disappointed that they don't get the Walton Family style family christmas they'd hoped for, but it doesnt sound like they'd get that whether you stay for the day or not.