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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be fine with being away from your teenager on Christmas Day & Eve?

34 replies

Christmaspuddingmayhem · 23/12/2021 17:57

I'm just wondering about this. AIBU to wonder if this was a slightly odd thing to do?

I grew up with extended family not my parents. My mum at some point stopped coming on Christmas itself and came on Boxing Day. I think because her new husband and my little sisters wanted Christmas in their own home a few hours drive away. Fair enough tbh.

Can't remember if I was actually invited but don't think so?

I just feel a bit odd about it. I missed them and was a bit disappointed when they stopped coming for actual Christmas but couldn't really say anything.

OP posts:
WandaVision2 · 23/12/2021 18:00

It depends on what you mean by teenagers, there’s a big difference between a 13 year old and a 19yo

Holly60 · 23/12/2021 18:01

That’s really crap OP. Not ok if your mum at all. Hope you are ok

Original poster
Christmaspuddingmayhem · 23/12/2021 18:02

I was about fourteen or fifteen, so in between.

But yes good point, I wasn't a small child by any means.

OP posts:
RedskyThisNight · 23/12/2021 18:04

It sounds like it's not really about Christmas Day but about you feeling valued and as important and as much a part of the family as your siblings. Plenty of people celebrate their "Christmas" on a day that's not Christmas Day, so there's no issue particularly with your mum seeing you on Boxing Day - I suspect it's the feeling left out and second rate that's the actual problem?

Original poster
Christmaspuddingmayhem · 23/12/2021 18:06

Yes, sometimes I feel like an interloper. Even now.

Family Christmases really can highlight sore spots in family dynamics.

OP posts:
Just10moreminutesplease · 23/12/2021 18:08

I’m sorry OP, that sounds rubbish. At 15 you should have been made just as much a priority as younger siblings Flowers.

EdinaMonsoon · 23/12/2021 18:11

@Christmaspuddingmayhem Sending you love & hoping Christmas is a better time for you now. I had a similar experience during my teens & that word “interloper” is absolutely how I felt. I try not to think about it too much but it’s worse at this time of year & especially now my own children are similar ages. How our mothers behaved was cruel & unloving.

Original poster
Christmaspuddingmayhem · 23/12/2021 18:14

I think if I had wanted to go to theirs they would have been happy for me to go? It just wasn't explicitly said?

But the thing is I didn't have a bed there (slept on couch) or any of my own space for clothes, etc. So it never really occurred to me to ask to go there for Christmas Eve?

I liked being cosy with extended family on Christmas Eve, and having my own bed! So in a way I don't even know why it makes me feel a bit weird. But I remember wishing we were all together tbh.

OP posts:
CriminalOrator · 23/12/2021 18:14

Your in sent you to live with a family member (your grandparents?) and then had another family with another man, and left you out of their cosy set up? I’m not surprised you don’t feel right about it, it’s really shit behaviour on her part. Really shit. I’m sorry.

CriminalOrator · 23/12/2021 18:15

Not sure what happened to my first couple of words there.

Mrstamborineman · 23/12/2021 18:21

Your mum and her new man have treated you appallingly. You have every right to feel weird, upset, sad whatever you want,

iCouldSleepForAYear · 23/12/2021 19:12

@Christmaspuddingmayhem

I think if I had wanted to go to theirs they would have been happy for me to go? It just wasn't explicitly said?

But the thing is I didn't have a bed there (slept on couch) or any of my own space for clothes, etc. So it never really occurred to me to ask to go there for Christmas Eve?

I liked being cosy with extended family on Christmas Eve, and having my own bed! So in a way I don't even know why it makes me feel a bit weird. But I remember wishing we were all together tbh.

A teenager shouldn't have to chase their parents to be included. That's not the role they're meant to have. I don't understand parents who make their own children (who are not adults) sleep on a sofa, either. It's certainly not the way DH and I treat my teenage DSD.
Original poster
Christmaspuddingmayhem · 24/12/2021 12:49

[quote EdinaMonsoon]@Christmaspuddingmayhem Sending you love & hoping Christmas is a better time for you now. I had a similar experience during my teens & that word “interloper” is absolutely how I felt. I try not to think about it too much but it’s worse at this time of year & especially now my own children are similar ages. How our mothers behaved was cruel & unloving.[/quote]
I'm so sorry you know this feeling too. It is really crap. Hope you have a lovely Christmas this year with your children Flowers

I think Christmas is tough on a lot of people, and we just don't really talk about it much.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 24/12/2021 12:54

Why did you live with extended family?

DS(16) is working part of Christmas Day, that’s going to be weird enough for me. Can’t imagine not having Christmas Day with your young teenager, especially if you are prioritising your second family

Original poster
Christmaspuddingmayhem · 24/12/2021 12:59

Why did you live with extended family?

Because my parents were 1st year uni students when my mum got pregnant with me.

OP posts:
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 24/12/2021 13:00

I'm sorry your mum didn't prioritise you when you were young, and that isn't just Christmas day. I can't imagine ever leaving DS elsewhere voluntarily. It's not surprising that would sting. I hope you have people around you now who treasure you.

coochyboochy · 24/12/2021 13:03

My children would always be invited on Xmas Day however old they are. If they choose to spend it somewhere else when they are adults, that's their choice but I would always make sure they knew their presence was wanted.

I'm sorry you had such bad parents OP, none if it was your fault.

WoodenReindeer · 24/12/2021 13:07

It sounds like your extended family were your actual family not "extended" if they bought you up?

Original poster
Christmaspuddingmayhem · 24/12/2021 13:10

My mum was great in lots of other ways though. It's really hard to articulate.

It's just that certain things really hurt me, but were kind of presented to me as a fait accompli and in such a way that it was only logical and I'd be really unreasonable to make a fuss. I'd have felt embarrassed, like I was being immature.

Sometimes I did make a fuss, and because of that people thought I was demanding. But really...viewed through adult eyes, I honestly don't think I was that demanding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Christmaspuddingmayhem · 24/12/2021 13:12

@WoodenReindeer

It sounds like your extended family were your actual family not "extended" if they bought you up?
Of course they were my family, yes. I was just trying to explain that although I didn't grow up with my parents I was not in the foster care system etc.
OP posts:
StationaryMagpie · 24/12/2021 13:34

i think it depends.. i'd love mine with me, but it's not fair on my ExH for me to 'hog' them every christmas, so they'll be with him from this afternoon til boxing day lunch this year.

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 24/12/2021 13:48

No. I wouldn’t be happy to have my kids away from me. And I’d move heaven and earth to have them with me f that’s what they wanted in Christmas Day. I get what you are saying about your mum. I have very similar…. resentments I guess is the right word? So I’ve always tried to make it clear to my kids that I will always be there for them. X

Porcupineintherough · 24/12/2021 13:54

Because my parents were 1st year uni students when my mum got pregnant with me

That's not a good reason. Especially when you were 14.

And in answer to your question I would neither be fine about being apart from my teenager at Christmas or in having them live with anyone else.

Helpstopthepain · 24/12/2021 13:59

That sounds rubbish op. I understand why you feel conflicted. Have you ever spoken to your mum about it?

I have spent many Christmas’s without mine but due to work. I would never not want to spend Christmas with them.
This year is the first year that I won’t see eldest (adult) dc on the day but we are going today instead.

StoneofDestiny · 24/12/2021 14:00

And in answer to your question I would neither be fine about being apart from my teenager at Christmas or in having them live with anyone else

This