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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum mucking me about two days before Christmas!

30 replies

AnnieLande · 23/12/2021 17:20

I'm starting to get really bloody annoyed with my DM.

The original plan was for DM to come to us on Boxing Day. She was invited on Christmas Day but she said she didn't want to spend time with my DHs family who are also invited.

Fine. So, she's coming Boxing Day instead and spending Christmas Day alone.

Then my 3 year old said to her he wanted to sit next to her during Christmas Lunch. DM feels guilty that she's not coming Christmas Day. So she changes her mind two weeks before Christmas. She now is coming. I get extra food in for the day. Stuff we wouldn't chose to have but I know they're traditional and important parts of the lunch for DM.

Now, I've just spoken to her again. Without a word to me she says to my three year old, 'are you happy with Nan coming the day after Christmas? Then you get to have her all to herself.' She probes and probes and my poor three year old has no idea in the end what she's asking or what he's supposed to say. She then says to me, 'try and get some sense out of him by tomorrow morning.'

I was furious. I said, 'Look, there is no getting sense out of him. Yes, he'd love to see you on Christmas Day but it'll likely be so busy and hectic, I can't imagine he'll notice if you don't come until the day after. Really, I just need to know whether you're coming or not.'

Still no definite answer. I'm really bloody annoyed. I don't like the way she's involved my three year old in this and I don't appreciate being mucked about. It's bloody Christmas Eve tomorrow and I still don't know what day she's coming. And the fact she dislikes DHs family so much that she'd rather spend Christmas Day alone and away from her daughter and grandchild also really annoys me.

AIBU to be furious about this?

OP posts:
Asiama · 23/12/2021 17:27

The indecisiveness and putting my 3 year old under pressure would drive me nuts! Reminds me of the time my parents wouldn't commit to whether they were staying overnight or not on Christmas Day - they wanted to make the decision on the evening of Christmas Day, giving us no time to arrange the spare room.

Do you have to cook the special food? She could eat what you have if she comes, and if she doesn't then you haven't wasted time and food.

Theyellowflamingo · 23/12/2021 17:32

I loathe people who involve little children in decisions that aren’t theirs to make. She’s emotionally blackmailing and manipulating a preschooler - I would be furious. She’d be uninvited for Christmas Day if it was me, I wouldn’t want her pulling that kind of ridiculous stunt on the day and spoiling it. She clearly doesn’t really want to come, so just make the decision for her.

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2021 17:37

I agree with pp. Say look it's clear you don't want to come so don't come. Come on boxing Day instead.

I'd add don't try to manipulate a three year old into deciding for you

But you may not want to.

gamerchick · 23/12/2021 17:40

Don't mention it again. Let her come to you about it. If you don't hear from her then if she turns up Christmas day she can take the special food you bought back with her.

It sounds as if she wants you to tell her she's the most important person there and to beg her so she can do the dance. Don't do it.

queenofcauliflower · 23/12/2021 17:46

This is happening in our house too. OH's parents don't want to come because they're weird about Christmas and don't really like it. But rather than saying that months ago they've now decided they'll ring us tomorrow AT 5pm ON CHRSTMAS EVE to tell us whether they are going to grace us with their presence or not. I am totally fed up as is OH, not least with the cavalier attitude to all the work that needs to be done prior to the day and the potential waste of money/food. I would just disinvite them but they are not my parents.

They've given every excuse under the sun including my remaining parent (who is now coming to us as my sister is COVID+) has been recently bereaved, the weather, my ill son etc etc and its clear they don't want to come, I don't know why they can't say that fecking weeks ago!

Deep breaths OP, you are not alone!

KittensTeaAndCake · 23/12/2021 17:50

Nah, too much attention seeking for my liking. Just ignore her now and don't ask again.

godmum56 · 23/12/2021 17:54

using your child is nasty. Tell her she is coming boxing day tout court.

SnowyPetals · 23/12/2021 17:56

Good grief, why on earth is anyone trying to involve a three year old in this? And as for her implying he'll want her all to himself - that's just her projecting. I am with you OP - surely your DH's family aren't so awful that your DM can't manage for a day?

Dorismargaret · 23/12/2021 17:57

Why doesn't she like your DHs family?

I think it's important to explain exactly why it's annoying to you. The extra food with thought gone into in, the manipulation of a 3 year old.

Holly60 · 23/12/2021 18:04

She sounds petty and annoying. Just uninvite her to Christmas Day then you know where you are.

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 23/12/2021 18:08

Dump the extra ingredients at her house. She was clearly only ever feeling guilty for not obliged yoour 3yr old's seating arrangment wishes. Your 3 yr old won't care.

She should never have probed your 3yr old.

Enjoy your Christmas it was her choice to be a pita and martyr herself.

It will also avoid a row on the day. She really doesn't want to be there and is only doing it for the 3yr old who's forgotten now anyway.

Bananarama21 · 23/12/2021 18:12

If she dislikes like your dh family so much why dont you alternate? So people wouldn't feel comfortable spending time with people they don't feel comfortable as it changes the dynamics. Let her come boxing day but maybe alter family each year rather than push them together.

girlmom21 · 23/12/2021 18:12

Uninvite her on both days. She shouldn't be using your child in her stupid games.

whatisheupto · 23/12/2021 18:43

Bottom line is she doesn't want to be there. Make it easy for her and for you and just call her and say not to come until Boxing Day.

billy1966 · 23/12/2021 18:54

@girlmom21

Uninvite her on both days. She shouldn't be using your child in her stupid games.
This.

Don't reward her awful behaviour.

A horrible way to treat your child and to speak about him.

YANBU.
She is nasty and petty.

NorthSouthcatlady · 23/12/2021 18:55

@queenofcauliflower that’s incredibly rude and arrogant of them

NorthSouthcatlady · 23/12/2021 18:56

@AnnieLande lm not surprised! That’s not fair on you or your 3 year old

Cattitudes · 23/12/2021 18:57

Assuming you haven't gone to get a Turkey just for her I would just ignore her for now and see if she turns up, just say if you want to come then come, if not we will see you Boxing Day. I would though be tempted to serve up any of the extra food you got on Boxing Day - ah I thought we would have left over turkey, bread sauce, sprouts and cabbage today, I know those are your favourites and no one yesterday wanted them

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/12/2021 18:59

YANBU. She sounds very annoying.

BirdyBirdyTweetTweet · 23/12/2021 19:00

Leave it as it is - she can come Christmas Day. Ignore the discussion. Don't engage with it - shut to down by saying 'we're sticking to the plan - Christmas day'

StoneofDestiny · 23/12/2021 19:10

Attention seeking mother - ridiculous behaviour from an adult

altiara · 23/12/2021 19:14

@queenofcauliflower
If they say they’re coming, can’t you respond with ‘oh you can’t come tomorrow as I have t got enough food in but you can come on 27th’. Not rude, just factual.

OP, can you do similar, decide what you are happy with and then say, I’d like you to come on x day to see us snd your grandchildren.

Pixxie7 · 23/12/2021 19:28

It sounds to me as if she is trying to control you, just text her and tell her that you are expecting her on ?? Which ever suits you best.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 23/12/2021 19:29

Take the decision out of her hands. Tell her that she’s coming on Boxing Day and that’s the end of it.

Mumlifedc · 23/12/2021 19:33

Well my mum has just uninvited us for Christmas day, because she said her house is a shit hole (it's not) and she's no ones priority. Her house is fine she has cleaners in twice a week. Admittedly the kids Christmas gift are there but I'm collecting them tomorrow. Which she was fine with yesterday when I took over her birthday present. I had previously offered to host but she won't come to mine since she had an op a few years ago she will only go out for medical treatment. So tomorrow I'm picking up the gifts hiding them - god knows where. And going traipsing round the shops to cobble together the stuff to make Christmas Dinner ( I wouldn't bother but my kids love a roast) oh and I've been sick for weeks with a throat infection, my cars broke ( waiting for the part) my washers broke ( also waiting for a part) and both me hubby and kids only finished school and work yesterday. Sorry for ranting and good luck op you have the food, enjoy your Christmas with whoever turns up.