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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have ealised until now that this was blatant neglect.

32 replies

Mooocows · 23/12/2021 14:05

Hello, name changed for this and just wanted to get it off my chest.

I have 3 cousins, the eldest (twins) are 18 and the youngest 15 (I am mid 20s). We were fairly close growing up and i saw them pretty regularly. My family always talked about their parents being lazy but it hasn't really clicked until recently that this wasn't just laziness it was neglect.

They were never taught basic hygiene. All 3 of them have lost several adult teeth due to decay. They barely shower. They don't eat normal meals but live of junk food and snacks. They have never been on holiday (not even in the UK and this is not a money issue) in fact I'm fairly sure they've never been taken to the beach or a farm etc by their parents (I have taken them since learning to drive). All of their school holidays were spent in front of the TV and parents just didn't want to know. They were never taught the importance of school...one of the twins was kicked out and one finished but with no qualifications (the youngest is hanging on by a thread)

As I've gotten older and learnt more about safeguarding etc I realise this wasn't just lazy parenting this was neglect and nobody did anything to help :( I feel so so guilty and so sorry for the poor things...they've really been screwed up for life. I dont know how to forgive myself for not standing up for them and now i don't know if there's anything that can be done.

I dont think there's really any point to this post but any advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:

sleepymum50 · 23/12/2021 14:20

As you are only a few years older than the twins, I don’t think you should take on the blame for this situation.

It was the other adults who were around when you were younger who should/could have done something. Put the blame on them.

It is lovely that you care about them now, and anything you feel up to doing for them will help. But make sure you don’t do this alone. Push those other adults to help them.

I had a similar situation with my sister and her children. I knew she wasn’t a great mother, and in hindsight feel guilty that I didn’t do a lot more for them than I did. I did do some stuff( money etc) but I’m ashamed to say my fear of my bullying sister stopped me from facing this head on.

If it’s any help, they are now in their thirties and pretty successful (in their own ways) and seem reasonably ok with how their lives have turned out.

VestaTilley · 23/12/2021 14:53

I’m really sorry, OP. This absolutely wasn’t your fault though - you were a child.

Those poor children. Neglect is sadly far too common. All you can do now is try and give them nice experiences and happy times. You sound lovely and they’re lucky to have you. I hope you have a happy Christmas.

Their parents should be ashamed, and the other adults in the family should have reported them.

I think social services do get involved with vulnerable adults, so it may be worth still notifying social services if you think they’re not going to be able to look after themselves properly, and filling them in on the back story. All the best.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 23/12/2021 14:56

This is the existence of a good 35% of the pupils at my school. Pure neglect that will directly hinder their chances of living a happy and fulfilled life. And fuck all is done about it. Referrals to SC go nowhere as the parents flatly refuse to co-operate with any support or early help. Makes me so so angry more is not done when we know children are suffering.

Georgeskitchen · 23/12/2021 15:01

Very sad an absolutely not your fault. You are at least trying to help them now but they probably need professional help if that's possible x

ESGdance · 23/12/2021 15:29

I agree with PP that there are plenty of adults (relatives, neighbours, friends, teachers etc) who would have seen this for many years and have either done nothing or been pushed away.

Do you know what’s behind the parents neglect - substance abuse? MH issues? Abusive relationship? Chronic illness?

Do the cousins all get on? How are they emotionally? If they are relatively placid and open they might respond very well to some direct support and encouragement from you. This doesn’t have to be onerous - signposting for dentist, encouraging self care? How would the parents react?

What do your parents think?

Cheerbear24 · 23/12/2021 15:32

Yes it is neglect, I know MN gets a bad rap for competitive cleanliness and hygiene but there’s a lot of people around who just mustn’t have been taught how to keep themselves clean like your cousins.
Maybe it was reported but the neglect wasn’t at a sufficiently high level for anyone to act. It’s sad but It won’t be your fault you must have been a child too?

Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 15:36

School isn’t the be all and end all of education so with one of them has been kicked out they gonna have to go and do something an apprenticeship or some sort of worthwhile use of their time which if they do get a job in somewhere like McDonald’s hygiene is going to be mentioned and they’re gonna be taught the value of that.

I think as long as they have somebody in their lives who is modelling behaviour they stand a chance that’s all you can do

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/12/2021 16:05

It wasn’t your job to identify the problems or sort them out, it was that of the adults around them - including their teachers to whom the neglect should have been obvious. The 15-year-old though - if it’s still as bad as you say then does their school have a family support or welfare worker you could contact?

I think part of the problem is that people who are good parents and prioritise their children seem to find it very difficult to accept that some people are just crap parents and don’t put them first: any time there’s a thread on here about children routinely being sent to school without any lunch, having had no breakfast, in dirty or ill-fitting clothes, wearing no coat in a freezing winter and so on, the thread is always inundated by people justifying this as being the fault of the Tories / benefit cuts. There’s often all kinds of twisting and turning to insist this is so, even when it should be obvious that in most cases it’s just pure neglect, not a struggling parent with too little money to buy basic foodstuffs and wash clothes.

2bazookas · 23/12/2021 16:47

I wouldn't say they've been screwed up for life.

They can get their teeth sorted out, change their diet, get an education, get a job, and explore all the experiences they missed in childhood.

Deprivation and lack of opportunity in childhood is not a life sentence.

Ponoka7 · 23/12/2021 16:53

The most important thing is to spell out their choices and make it clear that they can still achieve. If it's self esteem issues, then try to help with those. They'll need practical help to navigate life choices and opportunities, that is something that you can offer.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 23/12/2021 16:56

Why are people voting YABU?

hamstersarse · 23/12/2021 16:59

Most people aren’t looking out for neglect, certainly children don’t notice, usually.

It’s an awful launch into life to have neglectful parents and I’m not sure I agree that lots make it into a healthy life, I think most don’t and they carry it around forever.

Ozanj · 23/12/2021 17:03

That is how I grew up. I only don’t get tooth decay because I have incredibly close gapped teeth so nothing really gets inside them - so genetic quirk. I managed to pull myself together eventually - though I did have an extended adolescence to make up for it.

Crabwoman · 23/12/2021 17:04

What do your parents or grandparents think OP? If there any reason why they didn't pick up on it and intervene?

PuppyMonkey · 23/12/2021 17:07

@2bazookas

I wouldn't say they've been screwed up for life.

They can get their teeth sorted out, change their diet, get an education, get a job, and explore all the experiences they missed in childhood.

Deprivation and lack of opportunity in childhood is not a life sentence.

True, but neglect on a scale like that can lead to attachment disorder/psychological problems that might prevent them ever doing those things properly.

LostForIdeas · 23/12/2021 17:12

@HacerSonarSusPasos

Why are people voting YABU?

I voted YABU because seeing that the Op is only a couple of years older than the twins, it wasn’t her job to realise they were neglected. It wasn’t her responsibility to protect them.

Her responsibility was the grow up and make a life for herself, not too look out for younger cousins.

It was the responsibility of the adults round them including her own parents (who could for example, have them to places)…

Politics4me · 23/12/2021 17:14

What is their attitude now? Do they realise fully what they might have missed? Do they want to change in a constructive way?
If they do want to improve then there will be people willing to help from within your/their community.

You should not feel that you have to 'do' everything but I hope you can find others with more experience to engage with the cousins.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 23/12/2021 17:37

who is at fault?
what about the extended family?

they cant be a one off?

sweetbellyhigh · 23/12/2021 17:55

@hamstersarse

Most people aren’t looking out for neglect, certainly children don’t notice, usually.

It’s an awful launch into life to have neglectful parents and I’m not sure I agree that lots make it into a healthy life, I think most don’t and they carry it around forever.

I think children notice but would not name it as neglect or abuse. They may think of the child as smelly or "poor" or dirty or weird, or they may just seemed they are different and therefore not a natural friend.

Neglect is so damaging 😢

coochyboochy · 23/12/2021 18:10

The 15 year old is still legally a child and could be helped - please report to social services.

CruellaDeVilla · 23/12/2021 18:13

It’s not your fault, you were a child too 💐

Dacquoise · 23/12/2021 18:34

I had this as a child. Parents who were barely teens themselves and woefully inadequate in so many ways. It seemed normal to me and my siblings. My DM had an absolute knack of shaming me for things that weren't my fault or responsibility so I suspect she was aware she was neglectful. As a consequence I wasn't given deodorant or sanitary towels when I needed them and ended with deformed feet from badly fitting shoes. I had surgery later on to correct them. Again my DM was in denial about why this was necessary.

I think the key here is that other family members were aware but didn't do anything about it. My parents were gossiped about by other family members. They didn't intervene probably because they had their own issues and probably felt better that they weren't as 'bad' as my parents

In your case Op the parents were labelled lazy and the situation accepted. Why aren't they eaten up with guilt? It absolutely wasn't your fault but your family system doesn't sound very engaged or aware. Denial is rife in dysfunctional families.

AmyandPhilipfan · 23/12/2021 19:06

Perhaps not the lack of basic hygiene but the other things - no holidays, no days out, no importance placed on education, no decent meals etc are normal for a great number of families in my area and wouldn’t be considered anywhere near the level of neglect required for input from social services.

ESGdance · 23/12/2021 20:48

I suspect that there was/is emotional neglect that would have impacted the development of their social abilities that would need support even if the practical / hygiene issues were rectified.

Faretheewellmyfairyfay · 23/12/2021 22:03

Someone I know has rather taken a younger relation under their wing over the past few years. To give a non-parental but slightly older and wiser perspective on life. Seems to be working quite well. It's just casual really but they're doing it mindfully, if you see what I mean. Not because of neglect but because the younger one (now late teens) is an only child, has had a few issues, and their parents have some strange ideas about some things. You could think about doing something like this for your cousins, if you want to.

Try not to feel guilty that you haven't realised this until now, it was normalised for you while you grew up that they were just looked after, or not, like that, and now you are seeing it through more adult eyes. We don't just magically become an adult at 18 and that's that, I have new perspectives on things quite regularly as I age.

You might want to speak to a counsellor about your feelings around this and around your feelings about why anyone else in the family, including your own parents, didn't do anything about this. Or maybe they tried. Would you want to ask your parents or other relatives about this (probably not during Christmas!)?

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