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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have ealised until now that this was blatant neglect.

32 replies

Mooocows · 23/12/2021 14:05

Hello, name changed for this and just wanted to get it off my chest.

I have 3 cousins, the eldest (twins) are 18 and the youngest 15 (I am mid 20s). We were fairly close growing up and i saw them pretty regularly. My family always talked about their parents being lazy but it hasn't really clicked until recently that this wasn't just laziness it was neglect.

They were never taught basic hygiene. All 3 of them have lost several adult teeth due to decay. They barely shower. They don't eat normal meals but live of junk food and snacks. They have never been on holiday (not even in the UK and this is not a money issue) in fact I'm fairly sure they've never been taken to the beach or a farm etc by their parents (I have taken them since learning to drive). All of their school holidays were spent in front of the TV and parents just didn't want to know. They were never taught the importance of school...one of the twins was kicked out and one finished but with no qualifications (the youngest is hanging on by a thread)

As I've gotten older and learnt more about safeguarding etc I realise this wasn't just lazy parenting this was neglect and nobody did anything to help :( I feel so so guilty and so sorry for the poor things...they've really been screwed up for life. I dont know how to forgive myself for not standing up for them and now i don't know if there's anything that can be done.

I dont think there's really any point to this post but any advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:
Faretheewellmyfairyfay · 23/12/2021 22:07

Also agree with many other posts inc school, Social Services etc for the younger one and maybe even the older ones via vulnerable adults. But services areso stretched, they might not meet the criteria. Worth a go.

timeisnotaline · 23/12/2021 22:12

@2bazookas

I wouldn't say they've been screwed up for life.

They can get their teeth sorted out, change their diet, get an education, get a job, and explore all the experiences they missed in childhood.

Deprivation and lack of opportunity in childhood is not a life sentence.

Statistically they are much more likely to be screwed up for life.
Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 22:42

@timeisnotaline there are lies, damn lies and statistics

timeisnotaline · 23/12/2021 22:49

[quote Jessie75]@timeisnotaline there are lies, damn lies and statistics[/quote]
Is that right? When it comes to neglect in early childhood there is evidence and more evidence.

Nowayoutonlydown · 23/12/2021 23:11

I would sadly say yes, they are screwed for life if over the next few years they do not see that what they faced was neglect, and take opportunities to ensure that this doesn't change the entire course of expectation throughout their lives.

I was very rarely at school, was considered to be educationally challenged. It was never the expectation of my teachers that I would achieve much at all. I completed 2 days of year 10. I had sporadic home tutorage (I was ill so LEA provided but parents would make excuses for teachers to not come in as the house wasn't clean) left school with 3 gcses (D,E and G)
We were allowed our school clothes washed once per week, one bath per week.
We stunk, I didnt have things I needed. Had no school shoes, but had trainers which I wore all the time everywhere which had numerous holes (no socks, didn't know to cut my toenails)

My understanding was just that we were poor and my parents were doing their best, but I didn't know anyone who had as little as me, or was bullied for smelling like I did.

It didn't become obvious to me until I had DD that these were active choices that my parents made, and that if I had any chance at making anything of myself I needed to literally do the opposite of what they did.

The first step was to access education, there are local youth training schemes- that's how I managed to resit my GCSEs- got really good grades, then I went into further training to give me a chance of achieving a job that would pay more than Nat min wage.

I then looked into counselling to improve my self worth, it was a short course of about 10 sessions.

I placed an importance on cleanliness- to smell nice, personally and in my surroundings brings me a sense of happiness.

And I set about making a life for myself that included fun experiences- not just surviving as I'd always expected for myself.

If I hadn't have had the access to the training I wouldn't have had any chance of breaking the cycle.

I've been left with a lot of MH issues, and I don't think I will ever feel I truly belong anywhere because in my mind I'll always be that smelly, thick kid thst didn't fit it because I didn't have the right support, things or life experiences to fit in.

From the outside though, I look to be pretty successful, I have a life far removed from what anyone would believe I should have.

Please just nurture them into a direction where they can love themselves and strive for better, if not for themselves, for their future children.

In breaking the cycle, my child's upbringing is a stark contrast to mine. She has a lot of things I never dreamed of being able to provide her (whilst it brings me some pride, it doesn't matter so much) but she has a bathroom full of toiletries, and support to do well educationally. She has dreams and aspirations and is achieving academically in a way I never expected. She has had lots of foreign holidays. Her outlook of life is amazing, because the cycle of generational neglect was broken.

sweetbellyhigh · 23/12/2021 23:29

@2bazookas

I wouldn't say they've been screwed up for life.

They can get their teeth sorted out, change their diet, get an education, get a job, and explore all the experiences they missed in childhood.

Deprivation and lack of opportunity in childhood is not a life sentence.

That's the view from the outside, I dare say it is rather different for them. They have been taught that they do not matter enough to be cared for, they have not been taught how to care for themselves in the most basic ways so are unlikely to have strong hygiene practices. This will impact negatively on their ability to make friends, find work and so on. This in turns makes access to good dental care and so on much more challenging than it is for you or me.

And that's before we look at the psychological damage of growing up neglected.

Dontbeme · 24/12/2021 18:38

@Nowayoutonlydown your post made me cry, I recognised so much of myself in your post. For what it's worth this stranger on the internet is so proud of you and all you have achieved for yourself and your DC. I wish you every happiness in the future.

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