To give your teenage children alcohol?

[WineGetsMeThroughIt]

My husband and I don't drink much. On the very rare occasion at home. I'm not originally from the UK so I really don't understand the British drinking culture. It often seems excessive to me.

I was very surprised to hear a friend say her husband gave her teenage boys alcohol to 'prepare them' so they know how to handle their alcohol when they get a bit older and go out with friends. She said they started giving their children the occasional beer at age 13/14. The older son is now 16 and they purchase alcohol for him and know he (and are ok with it) goes down to the park to drink with his friends in the evening. They now say the older boy is having relationship troubles and they think he's drinking to cope with it all. He has come home drunk several times And even been found drunk at home.

Obviously they're not my children and they think they're doing the right thing by educating their children about alcohol, but I just don't see a need in giving them alcohol at such a young age and normalising it. I Bec an understand a small one for a special occasion, but I just don't get the regularity and encouraging of it. But then again I'm not British and don't understand the drinking culture as I too find it excessive and is one of the only countries I've been to where getting wasted is so normalised and such an integral part of life.

AIBU to think it's unacceptable to regularly give your young teens alcohol?

It's all very bizarre to me, no one gives their children cigarettes or drugs to 'prepare' them. If a child wants alcohol at a younger age then that just suggests there's already an interest and excitement around it for them and you giving them one doesn't teach them their limits - only drinking a lot does that (maybe!)

Drinking with your mates is so unrelated to drinking with your parents and it amazes me that parents don't realise that. You're far, far better off teaching then to deal with peer pressure, to be able to say no and to walk away from difficult situations. None of that would have made any difference to me though anyway, getting drunk was just incredibly fun and whether I was 'allowed' a drink with my parents or not was irrelevant. There was never any mystery to alcohol and parental approach was irrelevant (I had friends who parents didn't drink at all and friends whose parents were very permissive) what made the difference was what our peers was doing and how much fun we were having, friends influence at that age was far greater.

I would not dream of letting my 16 year old be drinking with his mates in a field.

Because so many of the gatherings were at our house @hepzibahGreen. There was an amusing thread about this over 10 years ago when another poster realised her dd was at my house :)

And FWIW ds now barely drinks and dd does in moderation. They are 27 and 23.

British drinking culture consists of teenagers going out and getting shit faced. I don't know another country where their 18 - 25 year olds go on holiday in droves to go clubbing and get shit faced the way the British do (and do the same at clubs at home). I don't think it's quite what it was 20 or 30 years ago though, it's much, much more difficult to get served underage now I'm sure and a lot of the rowdier clubs have probably been shut down.

DD 17, has had the odd tipple since she was about 14/15. A weak Cinzano or wine spritzer. She’s happier with a coke to be honest.

I think it's a very good idea..my Dsis and I offered half a glass of wine with a meal since 14 if parents had a bottle open which was rare or on holiday. As a direct result neither my dsis or I ever been drunk and I totally know how I did this but got through uni without drinking anything! I drink wine now but know my limit. I don't think my sister drinks apart from Xmas, birthday etc.... And like me knows her limit. Going to do the same with DD....make alcohol boring and mainstream and not naughty but ok in moderation with a meal.

We will not be giving our children alcohol but, as far as I know, it is legal to do so within the home or with a meal out after a certain age. It's each to their own.

From around the age of 14 my parents would allow me the odd drink, and from 16-18 would provide it for me to take to the odd party of they knew where it was (however these were never crazy parties and they could trust me, if anything got out of hand that would have been the end of it). For me, when I then turned 18 and could go to clubs it wasn’t exciting and I rarely wanted to go, just for special occasions. Friends who were never allowed drink until 18 went crazy and would be completely wasted at clubs around 3 nights a week!

The more fuss you make with teenagers that age the more they will try and defy you.
DS17 has plenty of access to alcohol and does go out with his mates to pubs and restaurants drinking but he has his own stash of beer that he rarely touches. He likes the feeling of being drunk, but not the nausea and vomiting of going too far. He doesn’t do spirits or wine.
In fact it has only been the last two years that he has been interested. He didn’t like the taste up until then. It was always offered but nearly always declined.
He does the party circuit now. Due to Covid none of them got into drinking in the park.
Drugs, however, are a problem. DS is very sporty and has no interest in smoking or recreational drugs. He’s seen first hand the effects so is very anti drugs. In fact he has just split up with his girlfriend due to her increased use of drugs. It’s broken his heart but he just couldn’t deal with the Jekyll and Hyde nature of her moods under the influence of drugs.

@FrancescaContini

Yes, aged 15 + - small glass of wine with meals occasionally. It normalises it. Aged 16 + I’m happy to buy a small amount of alcohol for them to take to a party.

This. I buy my 17 year old alcohol to take to parties and he drinks at home sometimes.

@ANameChangeAgain

I think that's petty shocking of your friend tbh, and most Brits would agree with me. My teens very very occasionally have a Baileys or a small glass of wine with a celebration meal. It isn't about preparing them, its about taking the mystery and excitement away from alcohol, and enjoying it as a nice drink. They both turn their nose up at teens who get drunk at the park, they think its childish and ridiculous. I was brought up the same way, we would have a Babycham back in the day with a special meal, and an eggnog on Christmas Eve (guess my age! 😆 )

This.

As so many others have said, what this family are doing is very different from 'the norm' - in people I know anyway, and yes, I know we tend to know "people like us". However, this is asked on here quite regularly, and there is always disagreement about 'letting your teens have a taste, or a small glass of something as a normal part of a roast dinner with family, or when having a family BBQ or at Christmas' or not, but that is completely different from buying your 16 yr old drink to regularly go out and get drunk in the park.

We were given small quantities of wine with bigger family meals in our teens. It does have the advantage of taking away the novelty of it.

Giving a 16 year old free access to enough booze to get drunk and/or allowing them to be out drinking in parks = not ok.

My Son and daughter never had alcohol at home at a young age, not because it was banned, but because they never bothered with it, I dare say when they both went to Uni later, they would partake in some booze at times.

I would give my kids a bit of alcohol to take to a party tbh, my parents never did with me and always told me not to drink, well fat chance of that, so I just used to drink whatever I could get, usually Sainsbury's own vodka straight from the bottle 🤢🤢🤢

I know a mum who said “you’ve got to let them be teens” on her daughter’s 13th and she made them alcoholic cocktails… my Dd is also 13 and her friends like pizza and hot chocolate. Some parents are desperate to be cool and their dc mates. I happily let my dc try a sip of my drink so it’s not seen as banned and exciting and I used to have a Sherry glass of wine with the Sunday roast as a child… I now don’t really like wine. I wish pubs did more nice soft drinks - my hot spiced apple juice was lovely a couple of weeks ago.

To take to the park to drink definitely not but a couple of low alcohol drinks at a celebration or going to a friends party where there is going to be alcohol then yes, as I would rather provide and know what they are drinking.

Exactly the same as my parents done with me and my siblings. The few of my friends who definitely were nit allowed any alcohol at home were the ones that went out as soon as they could snd went crazy and got into a lot of bad situations and blackouts

I don't buy into the 'give your teens a drink and they will think its boring' thing at all. Most kids will experiment with alcohol and probably drugs no matter what their parents do or don't do. I am not a big drinker but i do enjoy a few drinks when i am out, but i have also been very discouraging of my teens drinking and never bought it for them. If they drank in their teens (and i am sure they did) they made sure they were sober by the time they got home. I have 4 adult dc, 3 have just an occasional drink, the other is tee total.
I am not British but find the op a bit judgey tbh.

Yes, I am also amused at the ‘British drinking culture’! I think some people read too much Daily Mail. Nobody I’m friends with think it’s acceptable to get blind drunk every weekend, it’s certainly not a common occurrence for most people. I’ve lived and worked in many European countries and in the US, and I would say it’s pretty much the same everywhere. A small amount of people binge-drink, most people just have a couple. Funnily enough, when working in France the French people I spoke to thought the rest of Europe thought they had a big drinking problem, ‘everyone thinks we smoke too much and drink too much’!

www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/25/giving-teenagers-alcohol-may-increase-risk-of-drink-related-problems-study

The evidence is that giving teens alcohol increases problem drinking rather than reducing it.

I think it's fine. But my DC aren't teens yet is who knows how I'll feel when they are!

I don't think there's anything wrong with an occasional glass of wine or bottle of beer in the teenage years.

In Scotland you can legally give alcohol over the age of 5 at home and from 16 in a restaurant.

I totally do not believe in allowing teens to drink in moderation. My dd is 13 and has twice asked to try a sip of a drink. She has never liked it. Even if she did, she wouldn’t be drinking apart from special occasions. I have a couple of glasses at Christmas and a glass the odd other times.

I was allowed the occasional drink at 10. At 16 I used drink to mask serious depression. The drinking didn’t last too long. The depression did and I finally found a better way to deal with it.

@MajorCarolDanvers

I don't think there's anything wrong with an occasional glass of wine or bottle of beer in the teenage years.

In Scotland you can legally give alcohol over the age of 5 at home and from 16 in a restaurant.

My granny actually used to give me a small glass of red wine every night with my tea from aged 5! She told me once I was older it was to make sure I slept all night hahaha Sure enough as an adult (and teenage years) I'm not interested in alcohol and will only have 1 glass of something if out having a meal, or at a special occasion. (Although i am not advising anyone to start giving their 5 year olds wine!! This was many years ago lol)

Giving alcohol to teenagers to have with parents or a trusted adult, I have no strong opinions on, even if it's regularly.

Giving it to take out to a park with his friends or a friends' house without checking if there is going to be an adult you trust there there, so if there is an emergency it's very likely a teenager is going to have to try to cope with the consequences because an adult decided to give out alcohol, I know it's common, but I find that unreasonable and heartless.

You make the choice to give them alcohol, you be around to help deal if it goes wrong or at least make sure there another adult you trust that is going to be around to do that.

I had that burden put on me when I was young, being one who didn't drink, and I still loathe the adults who claimed it was 'safer' if they gave their kids alcohol, but I found it more they wanted to be the fun modern parents and didn't really consider the consequences if something happens with no adults around. I broke my 'no alcohol in my house' rule one time as a teen and exactly zero of the other parents checked anything and all the alcohol came from those parents because mine wasn't around and I didn't want it anyway.

I also find the 'learning to cope with it' excuse bullshit if they're mainly drinking around peers, all they'll learn is how to model their friends behaviours with it.

A 16 year old getting drunk is not really news...using it to cope IS more concerning.