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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think friend was wrong to butt in

47 replies

StartingAgain33 · 22/12/2021 22:20

Been dating a lovely guy for three months. We took it quite slowly with one date a week, and recently he went away and we ramped up when he got back, I guess we'd missed eachother and both felt a bit more confident in eachother's feelings. So we've spent most of the last week together (partly because he's needed to be in the area a lot which is rare), which has been lovely and really comfortable (although I do need a few days break now).

He suggested that if it was possible with restrictions we spend new years together in another city with a few of his friends, which I really like the idea of. But now that has turned into a 4 / 5 day tour of Devon / Dorset, dropping into his friends, family friends and aunt and uncle on the way etc plus this new year night in Bristol.

But I told my friend about it today and he said he thought it was a bit much and was I sure. He doesn't know that much about my dating life but last time we chatted I did say I had a habit of meeting intense weirdos so that's probably influenced him. I felt like a bit of an idiot and like he thinks I'm jumping into something too quickly. I have been burned in the past by people with avoidant attachments / a variety of issues but this time I think the guy seems really nice and secure - no red flags so far - and that he just really likes me (things feel lovely and comfortable together). But my friend has me doubting and thinking am I being an idiot / are we going too fast and I feel a bit annoyed he shared the opinion as I didn't ask and we're not even that close, old friends from uni.

I now think the trip is very unlikely with covid etc, but in normal times, would you think this is too much for this stage in the game? He doesn't get to see these people often and I guess wants to take the opportunity to introduce me as we live in London where not a lot of his friends / family live.

Am feeling a bit peeved my friend said this as it's made me paranoid now. The last time I saw him I did say I'd had a relationship with someone who went too fast / lovebombed me so maybe he was influenced by this, but still, I can't help worrying now.

We'd be meeting his aunt and uncle and cousins btw, not his brother (who lives in this city) or dad. So not close family. His mum passed away.

YABU - it's too early to meet friends and (distant) family
YANBU - it's fine to meet friends and distant family

OP posts:

phishy · 22/12/2021 22:27

Neither of you are wrong. It would be a bit much for some but perfectly fine for others.

I think the real issue is why are you so paranoid after a fairly innocuous comment from a friend?

Don’t let it put you off discussing relationships with friends, it’s really important to be able to hold these things up to the light and consider them from other people’s perspectives.

Ultimately though, you have to rely on your own judgement.

APineForestInWinter · 22/12/2021 22:28

The details don't matter.
The reason that you're annoyed with your friend is because hearing his opinion has struck a nerve. If you were sure of your decision you wouldn't be questioning it in this way.

Kbish1 · 22/12/2021 22:32

So yiu told your friends you meet 'intense weirdos' and this new man who you have been seeing for 12 weeks, wanted to move quite quickly and you are annoyed that your friend showed some concern?

Doesn't sound like the friend was awful. Just said that they expressed their mild opinion and asked if you were sure.

Is that not what friends are for? For looking out for us? Or did you want him to just ignore your past history and the connection?

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 22/12/2021 22:32

@APineForestInWinter I'm generally anxious about making the wrong decisions in relationships so I think I would question it even if I felt it was right (which I do). I'm also an overthinker. I know when I'm with him that it feels safe and comfortable and not like i'm being rushed, which was why I had agreed.

OP posts:

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 22/12/2021 22:34

@Kbish1 I'm probably less annoyed at my friend as I do understand he didn't mean anything bad by it, and more worried I'm making a mistake now as I find it hard to trust my judgement after the last guy I dated who love bombed me. I've probably asked the wrong question here - am more curious about what people think about meeting friends etc after 3 months!

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 22/12/2021 22:35

New year plans don’t just turn into five day road trips all by themselves. Do you mean he’s changed the plan and you’ve gone along but don’t feel like you’ve had much agency in it?

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 22/12/2021 22:37

@MiddleParking originally it was going to be that I came down on the train for one or two nights (new years), but then because it feels safer to go with him in the car / we really liked the idea of being by the sea and spending more time etc it turned into a road trip. It felt like I had some agency, yes, but I'm now realising I may want to just make it a couple of nights again as I think I might find 4/5 days away with him and lots of new people a bit much.

OP posts:

Kbish1 · 22/12/2021 22:37

[quote StartingAgain33]@Kbish1 I'm probably less annoyed at my friend as I do understand he didn't mean anything bad by it, and more worried I'm making a mistake now as I find it hard to trust my judgement after the last guy I dated who love bombed me. I've probably asked the wrong question here - am more curious about what people think about meeting friends etc after 3 months![/quote]
Its difficult.

For some it's OK. For some it's not.

The fact that you have a history, I would be inclined to slow it down.

Looks like the trip won't happen anyway. But your friend has just confirmed some concerns you already had.

Which is a sign, you should slow it down. In my opinion.

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 22/12/2021 22:37

@MiddleParking (safer because of covid to go in the car is what I meant)

OP posts:

Elieza · 22/12/2021 22:45

I think it’s too soon. You don’t really know him. He could be a murderer or anything and you’ll be in the middle of nowhere with him. He could do anything. You don’t know what his friends are like either.

I wouldn’t be touring about during covid times personally but if you knew him a bit longer and it wasn’t covid I’d say fine. But for now I’d suggest no.

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 22/12/2021 22:46

@Elieza I have already met his best friend and wife who were lovely and entirely normal, and I definitely have no concerns for my safety! (apart from covid)

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 22/12/2021 23:03

But I told my friend about it today and he said he thought it was a bit much and was I sure.

You didn't even ask for his opinion, & he decided to be a patronising arsehole anyway.

You're planning a few days away with a nice guy, not handing over your trust fund & emigrating to Timbuctu ffs.

If you don't fancy the full 4 or 5 days, say so.
B/f will either adapt his plans to accommodate that, or you can just give this one a miss, & reschedule something for fewer days, or without so many visits to his friends.

You don't need to feel railroaded, & you don't need to be made paranoid by someone who may be getting off on undermining you.
It sounds to me as if you are taking this steadily - meeting b/f's close friends, not crowding each other - just stay comfortable, which means listening to what's inside YOU, not other people.

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 22/12/2021 23:07

thanks @ChargingBuck, that's reassuring. I really don't think we've been going too fast, apart from the last week which has been lots closer, but really nice. I'm going to take some time to see how I feel about it. I find myself easily swayed by others and used to be in the habit of asking for opinions a lot (hence this thread lol) so I think it annoys me when someone (that I literally see once a year) decides to have an opinion - because I've been doing lots better at listening to myself and getting it mostly right lately!

OP posts:

Flowers500 · 22/12/2021 23:16

Your friend did absolutely nothing wrong. There’s nothing wrong with your plan either, if you’re confident in it. But if it’s throwing you into such a flurry of doubt to have such a simple question, it might be worth examining if you’re falling into previous patterns?

JeffThePilot · 22/12/2021 23:36

Might be totally off the mark, but could your friend have an ulterior motive?

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 22/12/2021 23:37

@JeffThePilot no, I don't think so - he's married with kids, and we don't even live in the same city / he knows there'd be no chance / I don't think he's ever fancied me! But I do think he thinks he knows best because he's settled and I'm not sometimes....

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 22/12/2021 23:40

@Elieza

I wouldn’t be touring about during covid times personally but if you knew him a bit longer and it wasn’t covid I’d say fine. But for now I’d suggest no.

But that also applies to being alone with him for any period of time. He doesn't need to go to Devon to kill her. How long would you need to know someone before you'd agree to be alone with them?

SleepingStandingUp · 22/12/2021 23:41

@StartingAgain33 we were making plans to move in together at 3 months. Engaged T+at 6 months. Now 10 years down the track we're married with three kids. So I'm team I'd it feels right, do it

HeddaGarbled · 22/12/2021 23:46

I don’t agree with either of your voting options. It’s not too early to meet his friends and family but committing to that length of time with someone you’ve never been away with before during which trip you are expected to meet the world and his wife is too much.

Have a night or weekend away just the two of you first.

Meet one or two lots of people on one visit and others on subsequent visits.

What if the first visit is awful and then you’re stuck with another 4 days of it?

Your friend is right to advise smaller steps.

ShaneTheThird · 22/12/2021 23:49

Op are you totally over your last relationship because you seem a bit all over the place?

On the one hand you say this friend isn't even a close friend just someone you knew from uni, yet he is close enough you told him all about previous relationships and their intensity.

I think he has a valid point and posters are using the fact he is male to try and invalidate his concerns. Normal friends look out for each other. He asked you if you were sure he didn't tell you you can't do it.

SoItWas · 22/12/2021 23:51

It does sound a bit intense, after 12 weeks dating imo.

whynotwhatknot · 23/12/2021 00:17

If it feel right do it i met my dh parents and family after 2 months

CactusLemonSpice · 23/12/2021 00:18

Seeing as you were originally going to go on the train, was he always going to do these visits etc on his own way up and then you decided to go with him in the car? Does he always go and see these people when he goes to that area? If so, I don't think that's hugely intense, but nice that he is happy to introduce you to people in his life.

On the other hand, if he has basically added in all these visits to people purely to introduce you, I think that means he feels pretty serious about the relationship. And whether that's too fast or not would depend on how you felt about it.

Original poster

StartingAgain33 · 23/12/2021 00:23

@CactusLemonSpice he would do this trip anyway to see people for Christmas etc. I don’t know how exactly but it’s morphed from ‘what are you doing for new years’ to ‘you could come for the whole thing’, I guess because we’ve just spent most of the last week together (whilst working in the days) and it’s felt easy and natural? He probs does want me to meet them partially because he doesn’t do this kinds of trips a lot and because he sees a future with me? Which I like the idea of myself so far tbh. It is early days but he seems lovely. And the friends I have met have also been lovely and normal so I think it might be a nice few days.

OP posts:

CactusLemonSpice · 23/12/2021 00:28

Yeah, sounds like he likes you
As long as you are both on the same page, sounds good to me!

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