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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think friend was wrong to butt in

47 replies

StartingAgain33 · 22/12/2021 22:20

Been dating a lovely guy for three months. We took it quite slowly with one date a week, and recently he went away and we ramped up when he got back, I guess we'd missed eachother and both felt a bit more confident in eachother's feelings. So we've spent most of the last week together (partly because he's needed to be in the area a lot which is rare), which has been lovely and really comfortable (although I do need a few days break now).

He suggested that if it was possible with restrictions we spend new years together in another city with a few of his friends, which I really like the idea of. But now that has turned into a 4 / 5 day tour of Devon / Dorset, dropping into his friends, family friends and aunt and uncle on the way etc plus this new year night in Bristol.

But I told my friend about it today and he said he thought it was a bit much and was I sure. He doesn't know that much about my dating life but last time we chatted I did say I had a habit of meeting intense weirdos so that's probably influenced him. I felt like a bit of an idiot and like he thinks I'm jumping into something too quickly. I have been burned in the past by people with avoidant attachments / a variety of issues but this time I think the guy seems really nice and secure - no red flags so far - and that he just really likes me (things feel lovely and comfortable together). But my friend has me doubting and thinking am I being an idiot / are we going too fast and I feel a bit annoyed he shared the opinion as I didn't ask and we're not even that close, old friends from uni.

I now think the trip is very unlikely with covid etc, but in normal times, would you think this is too much for this stage in the game? He doesn't get to see these people often and I guess wants to take the opportunity to introduce me as we live in London where not a lot of his friends / family live.

Am feeling a bit peeved my friend said this as it's made me paranoid now. The last time I saw him I did say I'd had a relationship with someone who went too fast / lovebombed me so maybe he was influenced by this, but still, I can't help worrying now.

We'd be meeting his aunt and uncle and cousins btw, not his brother (who lives in this city) or dad. So not close family. His mum passed away.

YABU - it's too early to meet friends and (distant) family
YANBU - it's fine to meet friends and distant family

OP posts:

LocalHobo · 23/12/2021 00:35

[quote SleepingStandingUp]@StartingAgain33 we were making plans to move in together at 3 months. Engaged T+at 6 months. Now 10 years down the track we're married with three kids. So I'm team I'd it feels right, do it[/quote]
I'm similar- engaged after 9 months.
You are enjoying life together. Don't overthink a nice short break.

Fleemeister · 23/12/2021 00:35

I would stick to the shorter time rather than spending 4/5 days touring round his uncles. But, you're a grown up, of course it's up to you.

Flowers500 · 23/12/2021 00:48

What really pisses me off is your whole 'friend was wrong to butt in' thing. Are you one of those people who dates someone and then decides all your friends are awful for just 'not being supportive' until the whole thing crashes and burns, you need them again, and then repeat? Your friend did nothing wrong!!!!

Catflapkitkat · 23/12/2021 00:58

I don't think your friend has 'butted' in. If you tell someone of your plans it's not our of the question for them to have an opinion.

Having said that after 3 months - a 4/5 trip around the same country is not 'married at first sight'. If it goes badly or gets boring - you can catch the train back again. I don't think it's over the top.

JimCarreysMask · 23/12/2021 03:51

Your friend is doing what a friend should. Looking out for you. Different if he said “what are you doing going away with this man, you idiot!” But he only asked if you are sure. He knows about your past relationships so just making sure you can see if there are red flags. However, if you are sure then just say so and go ahead and do it. Nothing to stop you.

Saoirse82 · 23/12/2021 04:03

@APineForestInWinter

The details don't matter. The reason that you're annoyed with your friend is because hearing his opinion has struck a nerve. If you were sure of your decision you wouldn't be questioning it in this way.

Nah, I disagree. Me and DH moved very fast and it I would have been more annoyed about someone telling us we were moving too fast over someone I wasn't sure I was that fussed on.

Rno3gfr · 23/12/2021 04:06

“It feels easy and natural”

That’s the best thing you have to go on. I’d sometimes say that it’s best to try a night away together first, just to see how comfortable you are with each other. However, if you both feel quite comfortable with each other and feel excited with the prospect of being with each other then do it! It will probably teach you a lot about your current relationship and will give you insight into whether you want to pursue the relationship.

GiveOverIrene · 23/12/2021 04:06

I think you're over thinking this. It's just a trip away for a few days, you're not eloping or emigrating. If you want to go go, if it feels a bit overwhelming meeting so many new people in one go then don't. I think the timescale is less important.

ShaneTheThird · 23/12/2021 09:49

You didn't even ask for his opinion, & he decided to be a patronising arsehole anyway.

Do you have friends? Do you all just sit in silence together until each of you permits the other to have an opinion on something?

RealBecca · 23/12/2021 09:59

So you expressed concerns about your own behaviour patterns and when a friend reflects these you're cross?

Yabu.

If you don't want his opinion don't treat him like a therapy dog. You cant go to your friend, offload, repeat behaviour that looks the same (even if it feels different to you) and then get arsey for him checking on you.

Either don't tell him so much or accept that friends are allowed to look out for you.

If you want to go, go. But don't be annoyed at your friend. Deep down I think you're pissed off because you think he might have a point.

Kbish1 · 23/12/2021 10:09

@Saoirse82 presuming you had a history of getting with 'intense weirdos' then it's not that you just knew your dh was the one and safe to move forward, quickly, with. You followed the same pattern of behaviour and it worked out

You played the numbers. Get involved to fast and too quick eventually, you are going to meet someone decent and right for you. Its playing the odds. Or you meet someone actually dangerous and Intense. The odds were in your favour.

If you also confided in friends that you have a history with intense weirdos and get I tense with someone else quickly and your friends don't show a bit of concern, your friends are shit.

If you didn't have that history, then you and your husband are irrelevant. I am sure if op had had that history and confided in freida about it, no comment would have been made

thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2021 10:26

I don’t particularly think this is too soon… you are not going to Gretna Green to get married….as long as you’re comfortable with it, and I think your friend is being a bit of a stickybeak.

ChargingBuck · 23/12/2021 10:59

@ShaneTheThird

You didn't even ask for his opinion, & he decided to be a patronising arsehole anyway.

Do you have friends? Do you all just sit in silence together until each of you permits the other to have an opinion on something?

I wouldn't volunteer an opinion on even a very good friend's new b/f unless I suspected abuse. Because my friends are adults with their own agency.

THIS friend, however, seemed to want to put the dampeners on what is for OP an exciting time in an new relationship. iirc he doesn't even see OP often, hasn't met the b/f, & wasn't asked to make a judgement.

OhLookMoreShit · 23/12/2021 11:09

It would be way too much too soon for me OP but so what? I'm not dating Jim x

OhLookMoreShit · 23/12/2021 11:10

HIM not Jim!!! Well... unless his name is Jim?! Either way if you're comfortable go for it 😃

Takemine · 23/12/2021 11:14

Your friend didn't butt in. He offered a caring opinion.

Flowers500 · 23/12/2021 11:19

@ChargingBuck

But I told my friend about it today and he said he thought it was a bit much and was I sure.

You didn't even ask for his opinion, & he decided to be a patronising arsehole anyway.

You're planning a few days away with a nice guy, not handing over your trust fund & emigrating to Timbuctu ffs.

If you don't fancy the full 4 or 5 days, say so.
B/f will either adapt his plans to accommodate that, or you can just give this one a miss, & reschedule something for fewer days, or without so many visits to his friends.

You don't need to feel railroaded, & you don't need to be made paranoid by someone who may be getting off on undermining you.
It sounds to me as if you are taking this steadily - meeting b/f's close friends, not crowding each other - just stay comfortable, which means listening to what's inside YOU, not other people.

...do you have friends? Have you ever hung out with them?

Babdoc · 23/12/2021 11:28

OP, assuming he is not an axe murderer, which I agree is most unlikely, what would you lose by going on the trip with him?
It’s a nice break away, and the worst case scenario is that you find his friends and family are boring or nasty, or you fall out with him and have a difficult few days silence or rows in the car. That’s not the end of the world, and would indeed be useful to see you weren’t compatible.
Best case scenario is that you have a great time together. My vote is suck it and see!
You regret the things you don’t do far more than the things you do, in general.
For what it’s worth, my DH and I moved in together after 3 days, and loved each other to bits right up to his death.

TractorAndHeadphones · 23/12/2021 11:41

YABVVU. Your friend didn’t ‘butt in’ he expressed an opinion

Regardless of whether we think it’s too soon or not you’re overly sensitive and if you’re gonna be like this don’t have any friends

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2021 11:47

It’s not too early to meet friends or family but a five day road trip to meet them all three months in is too much to me.

You seem to blame everyone but yourself like you’ve no personal responsibility, guys suggest stuff you do it, you complain about intense weirdos then agree to this plan and take offence when your friend points out the obvious concern, and then need to ask peoples opinions instead of being able to decide

It reads like this is what you want. I am sure you played a signficant part in the decision to do five days. You can put a mask on and take a train very safely, particularly as most of them are empty right now.

So just own it. If this is what you want, crack on and do it.

StruggleStreet · 23/12/2021 12:20

Well I went on a weeks holiday to Spain with my now husband after we had been dating for 3 months, so I personally don’t find your plan too intense but it’s about what you’re comfortable with.
I would just see it as a sign that he’s confident about his feelings for you. He wouldn’t be introducing you to family and friends if he wasn’t really into you and seeing a long term future together. Do you feel the same? If so, I think just relax and go for it. Worst case scenario the trip is a bit awkward and you come home early.

RealBecca · 23/12/2021 17:35

Why are you telling a friend you hardly see about your issues? You must be close, surely, otherwise you're showing intensity in that zone as well.

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