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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tired of my house being a mess

33 replies

Postyisalwaystired · 22/12/2021 22:08

I work from home but I work quite long hours, usually 8am-6pm. I have a toddler and my partner doesn’t work. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but we are financially better off this way. My toddler is very easy, sleeps through the night, doesn’t get up until around 8:30am and goes to my mums on a Wednesday afternoon. He was in nursery but the nursery came down with Covid so my partner not working has been a blessing.

My son will nap for an hour around 2pm, and I take him to a toddler group too.

I know I work long hours which I feel guilty about but I make up for it by having lots of cuddles in the evenings and the weekends making sure it’s all about him. I do stop throughout the day for cuddles and play.

My problem is this - my house always ends up a mess by midweek each week. I don’t expect my partner to clean etc while looking after our son but literally nothing gets done. I’ll come in and tidy the sitting room but then see the kitchen is a mess, there’s a tonne of washing that hasn’t been done, we’re just really falling behind. I know it’s my job too and I try to do what I can but AIBU to think it’s not too much to ask for my partner do clean/tidy up when my son isn’t home?

At the moment he just lounges around or naps when my son is at his granny’s or we’re out at a toddler group. If I’m not with my son I’m working, but when he’s not with our son he’s just sitting around watching YouTube on his phone.

Sorry I’m typing this frustrated because we’ve just tried to do the bloody Christmas wrapping and his unenthusiasm and not even helping with cutting the paper or bothering to help has pissed me off!

I know I’m probably overreacting. Just wanted to rant.

Rant over.

OP posts:
hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 22/12/2021 22:10

OP, if you are working and he is not, he needs to be doing a lot of the household chores. Why is he not? Have you asked him?

Original poster
Postyisalwaystired · 22/12/2021 22:13

@hopingforabrighterfuture2021 he always says he’ll get round to it but he never does!

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 22/12/2021 22:16

He's a lazy shit. I'm a sahm, so I know what looking after a toddler entails. But I still managed to keep my house clean.

DSGR · 22/12/2021 22:22

He’s lazy. The time you’re working he should be sorting the house and be with your toddler. Any jobs after 6pm are shared.
Time for a serious word or tell him to get a job and you’ll get a cleaner/use nursery

Elieza · 22/12/2021 22:36

He’s a lazy cf.

Most mums in here will do the dishes and laundry and prepare meals (perhaps not dinner as the partner may be the chef later) in between dealing with dc.

It’s not normal to slob around the house sleeping and doing nothing except child care.

Both of you should be working equally. All day.

It’s not a case of in the evenings you have to keep working to catch up on housework while he sits back and chills either. You should both put in the time.

Suzanne999 · 22/12/2021 22:39

I don’t understand why your partner can’t tidy while looking after your child. I know it’s a bit of multi tasking but practice makes perfect.

foreverandalways · 22/12/2021 22:42

Tell him to bloody man up and be the house husband and take over...simple as that or pack his bags and live off some other bloody mug

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 22/12/2021 22:42

Why don't you expect him to clean and tidy while he looks after your child? There's no reason he can't,how do you think other people do it?

Muminabun · 22/12/2021 22:52

Op he is a cocklodger. Don’t be a doormat. I am a sahm to two and my house is clean and tidy. My dh only does stuff at the weekend when he is around.

SpellBounds · 22/12/2021 22:54

He needs to get back to work

ChargingBuck · 22/12/2021 23:06

I know I’m probably overreacting.

You are seriously under-reacting.
WTF does your so-called partner do all day?

What is your housing situation?
Are you just providing free bed & board to a cocklodger?

WaltzForDebbie · 22/12/2021 23:08

Maybe being a stay at home parent isn't for him. Some people are just messy. I'm one of them Blush. I think I might have undiagnosed adhd. Maybe you need a different set up, sharing work/housework between you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2021 23:14

It’s perfectly possible to tidy, do laundry and clean up while caring for a toddler. Also while entertaining and educating one. He needs to buck his ideas up big time.

Icanflyhigh · 22/12/2021 23:17

Just to put this into some context.... I also work full time from home, long hours. We have 3DC aged 9, 12 and 17.
DH also workd full time.

We take it in turns to cook for the 5 of us, I tend to put a wash load on each morning, load the dishwasher and get it going, and get the DC to school/work. I'm usually up and at my desk soon after 6am to catch up on emails and make a plan for the day.
DH makes lunches before leaving for him and DC before leaving for work.

During my lunch break, I'll stick the washing in the tumble dryer and make a start on dinner if it's my turn.
DH gets home around 4.30pm and empties the dishwasher and folds the washing.

It's all joint, the kids muck in too if they're not doing homework.
It sounds very unequal in your house.

Drunkpanda · 22/12/2021 23:19

I would rest when the dcs napped sometimes, but then I was up repeatedly throughout the night with a poor sleeper.

junebirthdaygirl · 22/12/2021 23:20

For goodness sake he can get a lot done while toddler is napping. Also sticking on a wash with toddler at his heels won't kill him. If he even tore into it for an hour a day bit by bit he house would be fine and not get a chance to get so messy. When l was home for a while there was a time in the morning where dc would play happily so l would race through kitchen and at least one room is tidy. Would prep dinner if could.
I would be having serious words or else he goes to work and you hire someone. I would be happy for him to have time off when dc is at GPS as everyone needs personal time. But no way would l accept a mess after that long day at work.
Who cooks? Who shops?

Original poster
Postyisalwaystired · 23/12/2021 09:43

Sorry, I fell asleep shortly after posting.

I do the cooking and the shopping. I have asked DP multiple times whether he would rather work, he says no, that he likes this dynamic.

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 23/12/2021 09:45

Of course he likes it. He's living the life of Riley.

WildStallyn · 23/12/2021 09:47

The parent not working should be doing the lion's share. Unless he has a disability that means he can't, there's no excuse.

Of course he likes this dynamic, he gets to sit on his arse all day. He either steps up with the chores or he gets a job and pays for a cleaner.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/12/2021 09:52

Think most SAHM are taking toddler to supermarket to do the shopping even as a little trip. Lazy out!!
Maybe make Christmas a time to change. Together try and tidy the whole house so he is starting from neutral and then make a list of tasks that need to be part of his role. Give him a month or he gets a job. And he shops/ at least preps dinner and kitchen is tidy when you walk in.

thebabessavedme · 23/12/2021 10:11

This is not a 'partnership'! He is a lazy bugger and if you don't get this sorted out it will eventually kill your relationship.

It really makes no difference whether the SAHP is male or female, if one person is out there earning the money then the other should be the support at home, it's quite fair to share some chores but the lions share of taking care of the home should be down to the person who is in it most!

As to giving him a list etc, fuck that! He can see what needs to be done, tell him to shape up or ship out if he cannot show the respect you deserve!

Comedycook · 23/12/2021 10:14

What a cheek he has... expecting you to be the breadwinner yet also expecting you to be a 1950s housewife. When I was a sahm to a baby and a toddler, dh got back from work to a tidy house, kids bathed and in PJ's, dinner cooked and no chores to do. One child isn't that much work.

Littlescottiedog · 23/12/2021 10:16

My DH and I have the same set-up, in that I work out of the home and he's at home with DC. DC goes to nursery 3 days a week.

However, DH does several hours of web work a week. He does all his and DC's washing (I like doing my own). He cleans the kitchen, does the dishwasher, bins, cooks most nights, does the online supermarket ordering/puts food away.

I work 4 days a week so do the bathroom, my own washing, some cooking if I want. We share hoovering and keeping other rooms clean and tidy. He will always give me a morning or afternoon if I want to do something without the DC on the weekend.

I think you need to talk to your DP about how much he's doing. Write down all the tasks that need doing in the week. Put all the ones you do in your column and all the ones he does in his column. Let him see just how uneven it is. They share them between you so they're more fair. If he refuses, can you get him to leave?

FreeBritnee · 23/12/2021 10:22

Fucking hell, shake your head woman, he’s a fucking cock lodger. You are working incredibly long hours and he is at home doing light duties and napping!!!! I’ve been a SAHM for nearly ten years now. Through the baby stage, through the toddler stage, now in the school/home schooling joy of covid stage and my house is clean. The washing is done. Meals are cooked and all the extra frippery and wife admin is done. All my husband does is work and some light gardening/car maintenance.

He is playing you for a fool. This isn’t how this dynamic works. He’s meant to be doing the bloody housework. Fucking hell I honestly despair.

Original poster
Postyisalwaystired · 23/12/2021 10:22

I’ve just spoken to him about it and was very kind in my approach and I just got an ‘understood’. Hopefully it is...

OP posts:
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