Don't know what to do with my son any more.

[HallonPajen]

I just want to start out by saying I don't mean to offend anyone and will try to word this as respectfully as I can. I'm just looking for advice.

My son is autistic, he is 4 and will be 5 in a months time.
He really wants more than anything to play and socialise with other children but struggles in this area as he can be very physical and rough (unintentionally) especially when he gets excited. So he will go things like grab onto others and squeeze and not let go etc.

I've been really struggling as of late with going out to public places as he will always try to interact with others in this way and other children understandably don't like it and get put off/ become afraid of him and want him to leave them alone. He doesn't understand this and wants to continue trying to play and interacting with them.

It often creates a very tense situation as I'm having to try to intervene and explain to my son to give the other children some space as they don't want to play and to try to redirect him to something else but as he really wants friends to play with he becomes very upset at having to stop and change activities as he doesn't understand why.

I feel awful as I don't want to have to keep dragging him away from everywhere we go and every activity he is doing that involves others as then he would never be able to do anything and I want to encourage him to build positive relationships and interactions with others (although I don't know how best to do this).

Today we were at the soft play as he loves going there and often asks to go. I try to avoid it as much as I can but today we went and he played with another boy there. He did begin to get over stimulated and start grabbing onto the boy so I had to watch him closely and remind him to be gentle. The boy was lovely and very kind and said he didn't mind and they played together. They went to the upstairs part of the soft play so I didn't have full visibility of him all the time. I saw a little girl come out in tears and her mum went back in with her while she pointed to my son. The mum then angrily came over to me saying my son had hit her daughter. I felt awful and apologised to her and said I'm not using it as an excuse but that he is autistic so does these things without understanding the impact and consequences and that its not done maliciously but of course is not okay and that I'm sorry he had hurt her daughter. I then called my son out and tried to explain to him that he he needs to be gentle when playing and not use his hands etc. The little girl in the end said my son didn't hit her but pushed her and caused her to fall and hit her head.
By this point my son was very upset and was beginning to meltdown as he was upset he was being taken away from playing with the other boy. We ended up leaving to go somewhere quiet to calm down.

I felt really upset after the incident as I really don't like confrontation, I am shy and quiet so it really takes it out of me to have people be so angry at me so frequently as incidents like this happen whenever we go out. To the park, to soft play, in shops etc. Anywhere were there are other children.

I don't know what to do anymore as I don't want to stop going out completely as I don't think my son should be punished for something he cannot help but at the same time I really dread going out anywhere as I know it'll end in angry parents confronting me etc.

How should I handle this? I don't know who to turn to for advice regarding this with my son. The school don't know what to do about it either. I never know what to say to the parents as I'm so shy, finding the words doesn't come naturally for me.

I want to handle it in the right way for both my son and the other parents if that makes sense? As it happens so frequently I don't want to always be having to say "sorry hes autistic" etc in front of my son as surely its not nice for him to hear. But I feel I have to say something as the parents are obviously wanting an explanation for the behaviour.

Sorry if this doesn't read well/make sense. I've had a long day and am struggling to get all my thoughts out coherently.

I guess I'm just hoping for some advice on how to best handle situations where my son is interacting with others in public settings.

I'm sure people with great advice will come along, just thought have you joined any local groups or online forums for neurodiverse children?

I think unfortunately you need to follow him around and have hawk eyes to intervene.

No advice. Just that you are amazing. You are doing great. He is so lucky to have you as a mum to guide him through this world.

I do always follow him around and watch him like a hawk, I often have other people at first telling me to relax a bit as they don't understand or know the full situation and think I'm just some crazy helicopter parent. Its just this time he went to the upstairs bit of the soft play and I wasn't allowed up there even though I mentioned that im his carer and he may need support, the staff still told me no so I stood at the bottom and walked around to keep an eye on him. I didn't want to tell him he couldn't play in the soft play at all just because I couldn't go upstairs as it didn't seem fair to always restrict everything he does but perhaps I should have. I just don't know what to do for the best. I'm really struggling with how to cope with it all as I want to do the best for my son but need to find the right balance for keeping it safe when out in public.

Sounds like you are doing a very good job in a tough situation x

It sounds like you’re doing a great job teaching your child to play gently with other children. I think all kids can be a bit over enthusiastically grabby, huggy, squeezing the other child. I know it’s something one of my grandkids did a lot.
Do you know anyone with slightly older children? I’m thinking maybe 7, 8 year olds who would be able to understand something of his ways but be able to play a game with him and being bigger they’d be more resilient to his physical hugging, squeezing etc.. Maybe over a time it might help?

Thank you. I'm trying my best. I'm just getting stressed as holidays are always stressful as everywhere gets busy and its impossible to always avoid places with other people unless we literally stayed in the house and never went out. It would be easier if my son wasn't that bothered about interacting with others but he is desperate to form connections with others and wants friendship so badly, he just doesn't know the right way to go about it so always leads to rejection. I'm trying my best to help him with this but as I don't really know what I'm doing either or what the best way to tackle it is, I don't know how much help I'm actually being.

Doesn't help that I am an introvert and very shy so really hate all the negative attention we get all the time. I make myself put that to one side and still go out for the sake of my son but it really does drain me. Some days I feel like I can't go out and face it at all.

Our local soft play did SEN sessions, tended to be less busy and more understanding parents/ carers , which were great also for advice and shared experiences. It gives you someone to talk to who knows what you are going through. Local Authority childrens centres also run similar sessions.

Are there any autistic clubs or organisations in your area? They would perhaps be an ideal place to start as all the kids will need help with social skills?

Have you found any local support groups? Meeting other families and parents might be helpful generally but also lots of soft play centres etc. will have special sessions for children with disabilities and sometimes specifically autism. Our local cinema does this too. Do you have a sunflower lanyard so that (at least some) people are aware that your family has some additional needs?

My Dd is Autistic and we had exactly the same problem, luckily school were great. You will just have to stay close to him for now and keep reminding him to keep his hands to himself. She eventually learnt that people need space. She still wants friends but really struggles with it and she's 18, online has been her saviour though as she now has online friends who understand her.

Most places we go to seem to have the SEN sessions at the times my son is at school. He is on a part time timetable and very very reduced hours but still seems to clash with a lot of the sen sessions. I am on the waiting list for the local authority centres but its around 12 weeks long. I'm hoping that once we get to the end of the waiting list and can start getting some support I may be able to meet some families in a similar situation and hopefully my son can build some friendships there. He is so lonely, its heartbreaking. A very difficult situation for all involved.

@HallonPajen Hi OP it sounds like you had a really bad day and are understandably worn out. You are doing the best you know how and your son is doing the best he knows how too. My heart goes out to you both. I hope your little boy meets more of the kind of boy he was playing with at the centre ❤️ I grew up at home with someone who had additional needs, so not the exact same, but as we all got older it did seem to become easier to manage and predict

I had similar through many tears (mine mostly).

When my first autistic child was approaching 7 I took him to a private Occupational Therapist who specialised in sensory integration.

One of the things that stands out in your post is your son grabbing, playing rough and not letting go. The grabbing and not letting go combined with sensory overstimulation was what we struggled with.

The OT showed me how to calm my son and we practiced this a lot so I could help regulate him when he spun out of control and bring him back into normal range.

It's quite simple. You (may) need to stimulate the deep proprioceptors. This involves deep pressure. So if you observe him getting excited and you anticipate him losing control you can press down heavily on shoulders with both hands with him standing. You do it gently but very firmly.

If they have gone past this point you can squash them. A big prolonged hug or lay on them in a controlled way. It looks weird but you may get away with it in soft play!

I recall our session and the OT said she was going to show me how to use this with my permission. She got him into the super excited out of control state and then wrapped him in a thin mattress and sat on him. She talked to him throughout. He emerged just a few minutes later completely calm and ready to do handwriting! It was amazing to see. We used similar techniques through primary school until he was better at self regulation.

I’m in a similar situation. My autistic little one is wonderful, just wants to make friends, but has no spatial awareness so can seem ‘rough’. He doesn’t get really understand when he might be too ‘in the face’ of another child, and it saddens him immensely when people he likes don’t want to be friends.

It irritates me so much when people look at my child as naughty, me as a bad parent and their child as perfect. It’s just autism. It could be their child so easily.

In a world where more and more is known and publicised about autism such ignorance from other parents is inexcusable. In the same way that dyslexic kids used to be though of as thick but are now helped to manage their difficulties and reach their potential I hope that in the future it is understood that autistic kids are not naughty, that autism is understood by other parents and autistic kids are helped manage their friendships better in the future.

@RandomMess

I think unfortunately you need to follow him around and have hawk eyes to intervene.

This.

My DS is 10yo and I still have to be next to him.

Have you tried using social stories with him? There are some on the net, but often ones you make yourself are the best as you can customize them to his level of understanding and interests. Simple drawings and clear short sentences are best.

One of the techniques that are often introduced at school (with guidance from Speech and Language Therapist or EP) are social stories. These are picture representations of common social situations and how to manage them, personalised for the child. This may be quite a useful approach here.

I've just had a quick look on YouTube and there are a few there too. It is perhaps worth a try.

You will have to follow him round and stay close. Tell the staff he has additional needs and requires a carer with him at all times. Don't apologise or ask - tell them. This works better. I used to be like you asking and constantly apologising. I am now much more upfront about the adaptations I need for my ds and dd. I would also recommend finding some groups or sessions for kids with SN where you can relax more.

That's amazing @beautifullymad

Try going with a friend to share the watching and intervening. I did this for a friend would say to her go for a walk to the shop up the road so she wasn't far away.

google your local authority’s local offer page and there should be some information regarding clubs / activities for children with SEN. If not check FB community pages where there might be other options in your area. Even just meeting other parents might be great first start. Just remember, you’re doing great job x

It sounds like you’re bringing him into situations that are hard to control, with a lot of stimulation, which is indeed stressful for you! You might want to try “smaller scale” social interactions, where he can practice social skills in a more controlled environment. Can you set up play dates for him with just one or two other kids, and see them frequently enough that he can actually create some deeper friendships? I expect that will be lower pressure for you too, since you can pick the children of parents who will know your context and be understanding.

My mum is a speech therapist and works with a lot of kids on the spectrum. Some of her clients needed a bit of help learning to play with peers, so she’d bring me along for play dates at her clients’ homes sometimes when I was 6/7/8. It was a great experience for me, and I hope for the other kids too!

Thank you for your replies everyone. At the moment my son isn't interested in social stories, I can't get him to sit still and listen to them but I will keep trying. Very interesting about the pressure helping to regulate. Definitely something I will look into. Yes I agree that I will always need to go around with him and watch him. I will have to be more assertive with this as I am a bit of a pushover due to being so shy but yes, it is definitely something I'm going to have to do.