Don't know what to do with my son any more.

[HallonPajen]

I just want to start out by saying I don't mean to offend anyone and will try to word this as respectfully as I can. I'm just looking for advice.

My son is autistic, he is 4 and will be 5 in a months time.
He really wants more than anything to play and socialise with other children but struggles in this area as he can be very physical and rough (unintentionally) especially when he gets excited. So he will go things like grab onto others and squeeze and not let go etc.

I've been really struggling as of late with going out to public places as he will always try to interact with others in this way and other children understandably don't like it and get put off/ become afraid of him and want him to leave them alone. He doesn't understand this and wants to continue trying to play and interacting with them.

It often creates a very tense situation as I'm having to try to intervene and explain to my son to give the other children some space as they don't want to play and to try to redirect him to something else but as he really wants friends to play with he becomes very upset at having to stop and change activities as he doesn't understand why.

I feel awful as I don't want to have to keep dragging him away from everywhere we go and every activity he is doing that involves others as then he would never be able to do anything and I want to encourage him to build positive relationships and interactions with others (although I don't know how best to do this).

Today we were at the soft play as he loves going there and often asks to go. I try to avoid it as much as I can but today we went and he played with another boy there. He did begin to get over stimulated and start grabbing onto the boy so I had to watch him closely and remind him to be gentle. The boy was lovely and very kind and said he didn't mind and they played together. They went to the upstairs part of the soft play so I didn't have full visibility of him all the time. I saw a little girl come out in tears and her mum went back in with her while she pointed to my son. The mum then angrily came over to me saying my son had hit her daughter. I felt awful and apologised to her and said I'm not using it as an excuse but that he is autistic so does these things without understanding the impact and consequences and that its not done maliciously but of course is not okay and that I'm sorry he had hurt her daughter. I then called my son out and tried to explain to him that he he needs to be gentle when playing and not use his hands etc. The little girl in the end said my son didn't hit her but pushed her and caused her to fall and hit her head.
By this point my son was very upset and was beginning to meltdown as he was upset he was being taken away from playing with the other boy. We ended up leaving to go somewhere quiet to calm down.

I felt really upset after the incident as I really don't like confrontation, I am shy and quiet so it really takes it out of me to have people be so angry at me so frequently as incidents like this happen whenever we go out. To the park, to soft play, in shops etc. Anywhere were there are other children.

I don't know what to do anymore as I don't want to stop going out completely as I don't think my son should be punished for something he cannot help but at the same time I really dread going out anywhere as I know it'll end in angry parents confronting me etc.

How should I handle this? I don't know who to turn to for advice regarding this with my son. The school don't know what to do about it either. I never know what to say to the parents as I'm so shy, finding the words doesn't come naturally for me.

I want to handle it in the right way for both my son and the other parents if that makes sense? As it happens so frequently I don't want to always be having to say "sorry hes autistic" etc in front of my son as surely its not nice for him to hear. But I feel I have to say something as the parents are obviously wanting an explanation for the behaviour.

Sorry if this doesn't read well/make sense. I've had a long day and am struggling to get all my thoughts out coherently.

I guess I'm just hoping for some advice on how to best handle situations where my son is interacting with others in public settings.

I do try to avoid places like the soft play that get really busy and lively as much as I can but as my son has been asking for a long time to go again I decided to take the chance. But mostly it happens anywhere that has othe children. Even at the park and quiet times of the day, if there is even one other child he will latch onto them and do the same. I wish I could set up play dates for him and focus on building relationships through that but unfortunately I don't have any friends any more as most friendships faded away as I've been unable to maintain them due to being so busy all the time with my son and being his carer. I have no family either which is probably why he is so desperate for interaction with others as its largely just him and I.

You are doing very well in an incredibly tough situation.

I would ensure that you wear a lanyard to indicate you are caring for a child with SEN - it may make some people think before they tirade at you.

I guess with your son just the constant reminder of "hands to yourself" that may be easier than trying to remind him "kind hands" for now.

I highly recommend this book on social stories by Siobhán Timmins. It's fine that he is not ready for them yet but there is a wealth of info in there that will be useful to you anyway social stories book link

My sil works with dc like your son op to help them learn how to interact with others, I think she is a therapist, however her service is private, I am not sure what is available on the NHS, but there may be therapies that can help.

Sorry you're having a difficult time, do you use 'social stories' with your son? At his age it would be simple visuals, I find them really helpful. Is there an activity your son enjoys doing to let off steam before going on a play experience, this might let him self regulate a bit prior to play. Some autistic children grab etc because the squeeze is giving some sensory feedback or it might just be giving a way to communicate. Occupational therapy can help with explaining sensory processing needs and individual needs. Lots of info online and resources too. You are doing a fantastic job and supporting your son, hang in there. There are play clubs for children with ASD in some cities, maybe you would find support from other parents in similar situation.

For play dates, try the Peanut app, it might well have a local forum for parents of neurodiverse children. It matches you to mums local to you with similar interests and children the same age. You could put in your bio that you're looking for friends for your autistic son, write about his needs and I'm sure you'll get people replying and trying to set up a playdate ☺️

It sounds like you’re doing a great job and my heart breaks for your little boy who’s trying to navigate the world and just want two be friends.
I have used social stories with SEND children in my class. They are very simple explanations of how to behave in social situations with pictures. They can be used before going into any play situation. It could be as simple as ‘when I play with others, I keep my hands to myself. I do not hit. I share toys’. Each word or phrase has an accompanying picture or symbol. They have worked well in the past as long as they are used consistently.
www.widgit.com/resources/home-early-years/autism_support_pack/index.htm

I would consider typing out and laminating an explanation about your son so that if needed you can hand it to people to help explain the situation.

Aside from that you are being brilliant!

@ChrimboGateauxCatto

I would consider typing out and laminating an explanation about your son so that if needed you can hand it to people to help explain the situation.

Aside from that you are being brilliant!

I think the only problem with this is that parents of hurt children won't care. My nephew has a lot of issues but is not really 'allowed' to play with children he doesn't know as he has been known to dish out a black eye

Oh op my son is very similar, he is almost 6 now and much better than he was.. feel free to pm me.

You are doing an amazing job!

@HallonPajen

Doesn't help that I am an introvert and very shy so really hate all the negative attention we get all the time. I make myself put that to one side and still go out for the sake of my son but it really does drain me. Some days I feel like I can't go out and face it at all.

you’re doing such a great job. Would it help you seeing your current experience as an opportunity to grow and be assertive yourself? Sometimes we can learn important lessons in the worst circumstances.

Soft play may not be the best place, it's extremely stimulating, they get out of your sight and you can't easily intervene. I'd stick to playgrounds and outdoor places.

Have you looked at by your local offer? There should be groups that can support you and your son. Your school should also be getting advice on how best to manage the behaviour.

I think you’re doing a wonderful job and my heart really goes out to you.

Is he in mainstream school? Could the staff at whatever school he goes to, share some ideas/tips with you? We do something at my special school called “SHIP”- can’t remember what it stands for but it’s when certain, trained colleagues go into people’s homes and help them to find strategies and solutions for managing and helping children. I think you’d be an ideal candidate as you really WANT to help him and are doing everything you can for him. He’s lucky to have you, honestly.

I also second the pressure. He is grabbing because he needs strong pressure to calm him. Keep language very simple, too, eg “Hands down” if he’s getting too physical with another child.

I can only imagine the challenges you face but again, I think you’re doing a great job getting him out and about and broadening his experience. Good luck going forwards! ☕️

Bless you. I don’t have any particular advice but wanted to let you know that my son who is autistic got a lot better at around age 5. He is now 9 and much easier and is socially much improved. He has friends and is well-liked and gets on just fine in his mainstream school.

Op this booklet will help you to understand his sensory needs.
www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

Do try and see a Paediatric Sensory Occupational Therapist, most are now private but they are amazing - and you'll learn loads too.

You sound like you are doing a wonderful job. It sounds like sensory issues are causing a problem. An OT would be able to help but you could maybe try a compression vest to see if that helps, and or some kind of weighted or squashy toy that he could use when he feels the need. I think it is a case of trying to get him to find an appropriate outlet for his sensory needs and that it isn't appropriate to be rough with others. Easier said than done I know. My own son is autistic with some very strong sensory impulses so I know how difficult it can be.

Sounds like you're doing a great job and you need to be kinder to yourself . 💕

There are lots of fb groups that may be helpful .

Do you have any friends with similar age children who you could arrange play with at home who already know your son and are open to help you with this?

Take care of yourself too

I absolutely would not care. Telling me your child isn't fully responsible for their actions is telling me you are responsible because you are forewarned they are more likely to hurt another child.
It isn't fair that your son's social life is curtailed by his autism but equally, it isn't fair to other children to put them in a position where they either tolerate unwanted physical attention like the boy who was kind or risk unwittingly triggering your son's frustrations.
It's a rock and a hard place OP, both children matter and it must be very hard to find safe ways round that.

That was in reply to @Livpool

This is a great resource too, the OT Toolbox
www.theottoolbox.com/

You are doing a great job op. I have a nearly 3 yo and he plays really rough with other kids as he gets over excited but then he scares them as well. I don't know if he has asd but I literally have to watch him like a hawk. I know it's more difficult for you as he is older whereas I can just pick mine up. At one point this summer, I even made him wear reigns in the park as he was trying to hit other children and it was easier to just pull him away and please don't get me wrong as I'm not suggesting you do that. What I'm trying to say is, I'm also shy and a introvert and hate any confrontation my sons rough play may lead me to. I always get a pit in my stomach before taking him to public places where there are kids and I tend to choose times where there are less kids and avoid Saturdays and Sundays or school holidays for soft play/parks knowing they will be packed.

Also I tend to take my mother or sister with me when we do outings such as the zoo, aquarium or soft play as it's better to have 4 eyes than 2. You are doing a great job and I honestly understand how you feel and I would have loved to have my ds play with your ds.

I feel for you! I think I developed PTSD because of the stress caused by being in playgrounds with my autistic child. We are in a small 2 bed flat, so we had no 'safe' outdoor space for him to burn off energy, and we had to go to public spaces to play.

We ended up finding a council run outdoor playgroup for vulnerable kids which was a complete life saver for us. Even when the kids weren't neurodivergent, they were completely unfussed by DS's meltdowns and eccentricities. The parents were non-judgmental too.

He's also had some sessions at a gym which is specifically for autistic kids.

I think you need to find a balance of meeting your sons need to play and socialise (which he is more than entitled to) but staying nearby.
For me, you know him so well and had observed he needed reminders in relation to the little friend he made. I think you should have kept him in sight and followed him for the safety of other children and his own. He could really harm another child (I understand not his fault but certainly not theirs either). My concern would also be if he lashed out at another child who then went on to hurt your boy.

Can you meet up with his friends more to play as I'm wondering if this could help.

I'm definitely going to keep trying with the social stories, thank you to all those who have suggested it.
The idea about a weighted vest is interesting as he has a weighted blanket for at home but I didn't know you could get a vest. Its definitely something to look into.
I completely understand the PP who said they would not care, I know it is not an excuse and that physically hurting anyone is not acceptable. I always understand other parents anger and frustration at the situation as its completely justified to be angry when someone's child has hurt your own. But yes, it is very difficult to navigate getting it right and making it so my son has social opportunities but also so that everyone is safe. I think I will probably give places like soft play a miss going forward and stick to open places where I can intervene more easily. I don't go to places like the soft play often but decided to let my son go this time as he had been asking for a long time but in hindsight it wasn't the best of ideas.
Unfortunately I don't have anyone I can bring out with me on trips out etc. I have no family apart from my mum but she works full time so we don't see each other often and I don't have any friends as my son needs a lot of care which can become all consuming and doesn't leave time to maintain friendships so over the years everything faded away as I was never able to take him on the same days out as they would take their children.
I am in a couple of Facebook groups which I regularly read on but don't put myself out there too much (probably due to me being shy)
He is in a mainstream school since he started in September but that has gone really badly and the school are close to excluding him so we are in the process of getting the local authority to find him a special school. He is currently only at school for very reduced hours and days so a lot of pressure is put on me at my end to provide him with social opportunities etc.
Again thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply, there have been some useful ideas here that I'll look into.

I know this is an old thread but I'm in the exact same situation as you with my 4 year old. Have you seen any improvements since then and any advice please