At a loss..

[Theocdmummy]

This is a long one so I apologise in advance.

I’m going to start by saying I have a diagnosis of BPD.

Two years ago the father of my children and I broke up after I essentially had a mental breakdown. I was self harming and in a horrendous way mentally. I also think I had undiagnosed ppd following the birth of my second child, during all of this my eldest child was diagnosed autistic. It was a lot to take in to say the least.

In the break up my ex felt I couldn’t cope with our children alone so bullied me into selling our house. I didn’t want to but he said if I didn’t he’d take our children. Obviously this petrified me with what had happened.

I am forced to move in with my mum who he knows I have a difficult relationship with. BPD is caused (not in all cases but I believe it caused mine) by critical parents. So here I am two years later living at my mums who controls and dictates everything I do.

Through the breakup social we’re involved but had no immediate concerns. I have never and would never abuse my children.

From the point of moving in, my mum has made various calls to Socail services because she thinks I cannot cope each time Socail services have said no concerns. This has happened at least twice.

The last time they asked the children’s dad and he echoed that he doesn’t think the children would be safe with me if I lived alone. Which is obviously rubbish, there have never been any welfare concerns and social services said to me they can see anyone in my situation would struggle.

So to present day, I have a partner who my mum hates and she doesn’t let me see him in her home. That’s fine I see him when the girls are at their dads which is every other weekend.

Now my partner and I had a big argument in the summer and broke up for about a month. He ended up in rehab for emotional regulation and support to stop smoking weed. (He has never done it around me or my children may I add and has been clean and sober since September) Socail services noted I might be at risk for abuse because of my vulnerable situation.. I am not being abused by my partner obviously.

So I decide that I cannot take living at my parents anymore. I cannot take the criticism or the control anymore. I rung the girls dad to explain this and he told me I was not allowed to move out as I cannot cope (which is rubbish) and that he wouldn’t allow me to live with my partner currently.

My mum also said she would not support me moving out.

Am I unreasonable to want to? I am 25 and fed up with the control everyone seems to have over my life. I’m petrified if I try to Socail services will side with both my children’s father and my mum and ultimately take my children.

I am at a loss.. is any of this even allowed?

Social services have said no one can stop me but I am petrified that both of them will attempt to take my children abd so I’m stuck in this cycle of misery and fear.

How long have you been with your boyfriend?

If social services have no concerns then just move out?

18 months but knew each other as teenagers so know each other 10 years +!

I don’t feel I’m allowed to. I have been so gaslit by both the children’s dad and my mum I’m genuinely petrified to.

I would suggest that social services would see you stepping away from a dysfunctional relationship with your mother as a good thing, provided that you do actually cope living alone. It sounds to me as though the biggest risk is you moving in with your new partner.

Are the children at school? What sort of record do they have there? Are you the main carer for your children in your mum’s home, or does she give significant help/take significant responsibility?

Your ex partner (or your mother) would have to demonstrate - with evidence - that you could not cope if a judge was going to be persuaded to change the status quo.

You’ve clearly had a tough time, but these people are not in charge of you. Your ex clearly did not think you were incapable of parenting, as the thing he fought for was the house, not the safety of the children.

The thing is 18 months of seeing eachother every other weekend, isn't really that long.

Though it also seems you need to get out of your mother's house.

Can you not work towards getting a place of your own?

Your boyfriend may be fantastic. But it appears he doesn't spend alot, if any time, with your kids.

He is recently out of rehab and doing well. Buts it not been long, since he came out really.

I do think moving in with him would not be a great idea at this point.

But you are an adult and need to make that choice for yourself.

Your ex knows what your mum is like and knows what your struggles are and yet he sees his kids every other week? At no point has he wanted them more to take the weight off you or to actually spend time with them? What a prince among men

It’s not a risk to live with my new partner, he like me has had struggles but is an amazing person and been much better to my children than their own dad has.

I am the main carer of course but my mum - credit where credit is due is absolutely amazing with them. She is at times their second parent.

Obviously it’s just me she’s awful to but having said that she does often get unreasonably upset with my children. It’s a difficult situation.. Socail worker said they think she’s narcissistic too!

Thank you for that last comment too, I’d never thought of it that way.

Sorry I should clarify we saw each other daily pre break up. Since getting back together we see each other every other weekend because my mum doesn’t allow him in her house or allow me to take my children to his.

He has a beautiful relationship with my children and is a fantastic father figure just struggles with emotional regulation. He went to rehab off his own accord not court ordered or anything.

How can she stop you taking them to your DP’s house?

This all sounds very stressful. You would be better off away from your mother but I wouldn't recommend moving in with your partner. With your diagnosis and him just released from rehab, I think social services would have concerns and you already know your ex and your mother will contact them.

The thing is, you’re certain about your new partner and I’m not questioning your judgement. But when you’re worried about being under scrutiny from social services, it’s 1 - a massive change for your children which they could find destabilising, and 2 - going to make social services take more notice of you. And if your ex is as like my ex as he sounds, he will pull all sorts of stunts that will put huge pressures on your partner and your relationship, which will be tricky for someone who has recently recovered from a period of poor mental health.

If you live by yourself with the children, social services will see that you have given them a stable home, and that you are managing fine. Your ex will not have a leg to stand on, in accusing you of poor parenting/bad judgement/making your family vulnerable. Then, at that point, you move your new partner in. Just get set up first, get the confidence you need that your children are secure with you and that any potential threats from your ex to get custody won’t be taken seriously.

There’s lots in your post I can relate to, just offering you the benefit of my experience. Take care xx

Also, try the Freedom Programme. There’s a good reason it’s advised so much on here. You sound like your ex has really shaken confidence and you sound like you’re still reacting to his threats. You needn’t do. But you need to know and feel that for yourself.

I can see why you want to move away from your parents but I dont see why you are thinking about moving in with your boyfriend. Why not establish yourself as an independent person with your own home and then decide where to go from there?

do you have a job? can you afford to live independently - just you & the kids without mum or partner? If so, try that for a year so that you know you can manage independently.

Then you can see if you & partner get closer after the year, but you won't be dependent on him.

So I do work and am in a well paid job but because of my eldests needs I need three bedrooms (again Socail services have said this). I cannot afford private rent alone or a mortgage which I’m re saving for. I would like to get a mortgage with my partner ideally. What would a realistic time frame be would you say?

And my mum says she’ll tell Socail service I’m neglecting them if I take them around him at the moment. Again no time frame which is why I’m struggling.

You say its not a risk to live with him. However, it's a risk to his recovery and therefore becomes a risk for you and your children.

Having left an abusive 15 year marriage, I can promise the best thing you can do is live alone.

It really doesn't matter if your mum doesn't want them round him. Unless he is a danger then, that's not a problem.

However, you do have to think about what happens if he relapses? And the consequences about that. Your ex and mum using that to prove you don't make good decisions. You could end up in the same position, having to sell a house with a partner if he relapses badly. Or you feel more obliged to stay with him/hide iy so you dont have to move back to your mums again.

Personally, I would say he need to have been in recovery and not smoking weed for at least a year.

Spend sometime of the step parenting board. So many people think they know what they are letting themselves in for, when they get with someone with the kids. But they don't. The reality is often much more difficult. Especially if the ex is a difficult person.

In all honesty, exh has had several girlfriends. I have been interested in knowing much about them. But if he was moving in and having the kids living with someone who had just come out of rehab, I would be concerned too.

You need to get away from your mum.

But don't move in with your partner - his issues could be a red flag and a problem for you.

I'd live by yourself.
Your mum can't stop you!! You are an adult. Sounds like it's a toxic relationship and you'd be better by yourself.

Don’t move in with someone who has needed treatment for weed use and being unable to regulate their emotions. September isn’t long enough for them to be “sorted”.

I do understand the concerns around my partner and that’s why I posted in part.

I do feel conflicted about it and again acknowledge the points raised, I just wish I could move in with him now. That’s what I really want but obviously I’m aware he is in recovery and needs to focus on that. He too is a parent and did at one point essentially live with us (spent more nights at my mums than his) so he is aware of my children’s needs. Obviously nothing compares to actually living with someone I know that.

I am just so scared of any choice I make due to the obvious controlling nature of both ex and mum. I feel like the only way I can keep my children is to stay unhappy at my mums 😢

I really don’t think it sounds like moving in together is a good idea at this point. You both have your own issues, you have a right to have a relationship but what your children need more than anything is stability. You’ve had breakups and he clearly has issues that make it questionable whether he should be around the children very much. You’re not happy in your home situation but it does sound stable, moving out alone with them sounds like the next step down the line. I would not put that at risk by moving in with a man who has his own issues.

@Theocdmummy

Sorry I should clarify we saw each other daily pre break up. Since getting back together we see each other every other weekend because my mum doesn’t allow him in her house or allow me to take my children to his.

He has a beautiful relationship with my children and is a fantastic father figure just struggles with emotional regulation. He went to rehab off his own accord not court ordered or anything.

Could you tell us more about his “emotional regulation” issues please, and how these have manifested?

Personally, I think your best bet is finding your own place. SS are obviously aware of your situation with your parents, so approach them and ask if they can point you in the right direction of getting help with housing.
With the issues with your partner (althoughe he seems to be doing great with the weed), I'd be reluctant to throw yourself into living with him immediately. It sounds like you desperately need your own space and also need to see where this relationship is going with the limited time you have had. Please don't move in with him because it seems the easiest way out. Get yourself your own space to grow and be happy in your own skin. I'd hate for you to jump out of the frying pan into the fire xx

Does he see his own children? It must have been very unsettling for him if he was away in rehab. Do you know them? Are they similar ages to your own kids?

Blending families is a massive deal and takes massive amounts of time and thought to get right.

Does he spend time with his own children?

I’m a bit concerned about the issues you say he has, and whether it may potentially be a recipe for disaster with your own mental health needs.