At a loss..

[Theocdmummy]

This is a long one so I apologise in advance.

I’m going to start by saying I have a diagnosis of BPD.

Two years ago the father of my children and I broke up after I essentially had a mental breakdown. I was self harming and in a horrendous way mentally. I also think I had undiagnosed ppd following the birth of my second child, during all of this my eldest child was diagnosed autistic. It was a lot to take in to say the least.

In the break up my ex felt I couldn’t cope with our children alone so bullied me into selling our house. I didn’t want to but he said if I didn’t he’d take our children. Obviously this petrified me with what had happened.

I am forced to move in with my mum who he knows I have a difficult relationship with. BPD is caused (not in all cases but I believe it caused mine) by critical parents. So here I am two years later living at my mums who controls and dictates everything I do.

Through the breakup social we’re involved but had no immediate concerns. I have never and would never abuse my children.

From the point of moving in, my mum has made various calls to Socail services because she thinks I cannot cope each time Socail services have said no concerns. This has happened at least twice.

The last time they asked the children’s dad and he echoed that he doesn’t think the children would be safe with me if I lived alone. Which is obviously rubbish, there have never been any welfare concerns and social services said to me they can see anyone in my situation would struggle.

So to present day, I have a partner who my mum hates and she doesn’t let me see him in her home. That’s fine I see him when the girls are at their dads which is every other weekend.

Now my partner and I had a big argument in the summer and broke up for about a month. He ended up in rehab for emotional regulation and support to stop smoking weed. (He has never done it around me or my children may I add and has been clean and sober since September) Socail services noted I might be at risk for abuse because of my vulnerable situation.. I am not being abused by my partner obviously.

So I decide that I cannot take living at my parents anymore. I cannot take the criticism or the control anymore. I rung the girls dad to explain this and he told me I was not allowed to move out as I cannot cope (which is rubbish) and that he wouldn’t allow me to live with my partner currently.

My mum also said she would not support me moving out.

Am I unreasonable to want to? I am 25 and fed up with the control everyone seems to have over my life. I’m petrified if I try to Socail services will side with both my children’s father and my mum and ultimately take my children.

I am at a loss.. is any of this even allowed?

Social services have said no one can stop me but I am petrified that both of them will attempt to take my children abd so I’m stuck in this cycle of misery and fear.

If he has kids, you will find blending 2 sets of kids much harder than if just you had kids.

I really think yiu need to rethink moving in with him. I think it will make your life much easier and smoother, in the long run. Also gives his recovery a much better chance at succeeding. Which you want too.

Moving out sounds really healthy. If the social services can see your mother is narcissistic and see the issues with your ex they more likely to see you doing that as a positive move. And living by yourself with your children will show up your mother and your exs threats for the crap they are. Neither of them has to 'let you' do anything - you are an adult. You may feel they control you but feelings are not facts. Why don't you ask Social Services about it?

it would also look better not to go from one persons house to another. That makes it look more like you cannot cope by yourself. Good luck with it.

He has a son a year older than my youngest. They all have a fantastic relationship. Yes he has very regular contact, in fact he is pretty much a 50/50 split with his son and his sons mother.

Of course.

So when he is in crisis which is usually triggered by confrontation he completely internalises it and then Catastrophise a situation - a nice way of saying over worries. But it then presents as anxiety (mostly Socail anxiety) and he withdraws from everything.

Talk to your GP, a Womens centre, sure start. Anyone that is in a position to give you factual legal advice - not opinions.

I do worry about you having a partner who obviously has his own issues and how that could impact things of you lived together.

Personally - I’d find a place of your own and build the life you want on your terms. Get help/therapy to help with the impact your ex and parents have had on you so you don’t continue bringing those issues into future situations and relationships with people. Imagine being free from all your doubts and worries as you’ve done some work on yourself!

You can do this. Speak to external organisations and get help for your sake and your childrens. Don’t let your ex and parents continue to control and gaslight you.

If he was with you at your mum’s most days before you split up and he has 50/50 was his son coming over a lot too?

I have done and continue to do therapy heavily, I see a therapist who specialises in difficult parent relationships too as that’s my biggest struggle. But thank you for that suggestion I will certainly look into it.

And yes he was here all the time, just as I’m a package deal so is he. Up until summer we had a perfect little happy family unit. Obviously we agreed to take it slow and not involve kids immediately but now ‘I’m not allowed to’ even should I wish to see him with my children. Not that I do, yet. I actually want to work things through and save for a mortgage but the abuse from my mum is getting so intense thus my post.

I would move out if you can and live by yourself a while, even if you rent for a while. You can get another mortgage in future. As suggested by those upthread, get some external help in making this move.

My mother was emotionally abusive, and not having to deal with her was like a 50 pound weight came off my shoulders. I suspect it will feel the same way to you. She’s trying to manipulate and control you in a cruel manner.

When you have some time and space to get some emotional equilibrium away from her, then you can think about the relationship with your partner and where you want it to go. It sounds like he has some issues as well that he needs to sort out.

I wish you all the best, OP.