To feel like I’m not grieving properly?

Salamander76 · 22/12/2021 20:43

Totally normal OP. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with bereavement - grief is a funny old thing, and definitely isn’t linear. Try and prioritise basic self-care: eating proper meals, regular bedtime, etc, as it’s easy to overlook these things in the early days.

You sound like an utterly wonderful daughter FWIW. I’m so sorry for your loss

Igneo · 22/12/2021 20:43

You have had an extremely intense period of caring for her, and maybe already been grieving as it was an expected death... take time to go through the different phases you need to. It didn’t hit me for a while when my gran passed- just felt relief for a good while really. But then went through various phases.

MsAgnesDiPesto · 22/12/2021 20:44

Oh my lovely, I am so sorry.

There is no right way to grieve. Often people are numb to begin with, especially if there are lots of practical things to take up energy. Then it hits you later on. Others might fall apart at the beginning but start to climb back up. For everyone it’s a personal journey, and nobody knows how they will feel till it happens. Ups and downs are usual. You don’t need to analyse how you feel, just feel.

All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and there will come a time when, if it’s what you need, you can have your emotional time.

What should be a comfort to you - not right now, but later - is that you clearly loved your mum very much and did everything you could for her. She will have known and appreciated that more than you know. Anybody who tries to tell you how you should or shouldn’t be feeling or acting doesn’t deserve your headspace.

scarpa · 22/12/2021 20:45

It's normal!

There's no right way to grieve. When someone is very ill, you're preemptively grieving ahead of their actual death, so that could be why, and you'll never have a big, the-world-stops grief feeling. That's fine - it doesn't make it any less of a loss, or mean you loved her any less.

Sometimes your brain keeps you going for a while because it's not ready, and then something snaps and you do feel like the world's tilted on its axis for a while. That's okay too.

Sometimes it's a combination of the two - you feel as though you should feel like the world's stopped turning and it's surprising to find that for better or worse, things keep going and so do you. And every now and then you're absolutely knocked off your feet by something that seems like something and nothing (I remember DH suddenly sobbing like a baby months after his mum's death because he saw a woman wearing an ugly pair of Fitflop trainers he used to mock his mum for 😅). But mostly, you keep going.

And sometimes it's none of those things and you're angry all the time. Or suddenly super motivated to change your life. Or whatever - grief is so individual, so uncharted for a lot of people when it comes to losing a parent especially, that as long as you're safe and mostly healthy and get help if you need it, you can't do it wrong.

I'm so sorry for your loss. ❤

Vapeyvapevape · 22/12/2021 20:45

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum, you sound amazing xx
I don’t think there is a proper way to grieve, I would think that you’ll go through different stages of maybe disbelief, anger and sadness and however you feel is ok . Please make sure you look after yourself, your mum was lucky to have you xx

Panicmode1 · 22/12/2021 20:46

I'm so sorry for your loss..you sound as though you were a wonderful loving and devoted daughter. There is no right way to grieve. Eat, sleep if you can, and look after yourself. And go with the tide - it comes and goes in waves and isn't linear. Be kind to yourself.

Mrsjayy · 22/12/2021 20:46

There is no "right" way to grieve it can come in waves just take each day as it comes. I'm so very sorry you lost your mum

RuggerHug · 22/12/2021 20:46

There's no 'right' way. You're probably in a mix of shock/survival at this stage. Just please look after yourself, it's a rough road.

scarpa · 22/12/2021 20:47

Also, this soon after, a flat feeling is normal - if it continues for ages and you can't feel much of anything, that can be a sign of depression, so keep an eye on it and make sure you get help if you need. But right now, don't worry - feel how you need to feel.

Kbish1 · 22/12/2021 20:48

@FeelingsUnexplained

My mom died very recently. I was her main carer from the very little things all the way up to being the person that did all her personal care when mom was discharged from the hospital without a care package put in place for a few days. I was the one who was in the meeting when her illness was confirmed terminal and she only had 6 months to live (she lasted 5 weeks) I held her hand as she died and slept on the floor for over a week so that I was with her at all times.

Now she’s passed and it’s been a couple days and I don’t know if I’m grieving “properly” I’m still going around doing my normal daily things but I just feel very flat, I haven’t had a proper sit down and cry about loosing her but have randomly shed a little tear every now and then when either in the car or at the shop. I’m constantly tired and not sleeping properly but expect that’s pretty normal. I expected I’d be an absolute blubbering mess as my mom was my best friend but I’m not. The only irrational thing I’ve done is tear down all the Christmas decorations and put them away. Is this normal? I just can’t tell.

My mum, unexpectedly, died 3 weeks ago tomorrow.

You sound very much like me. I feel flat and shit. Today was a good shit day. Yesterday was a worse shit day.

I adored my mum. When she lost hers there was literal wailing and gnashing of teeth from her and her sisters. Mum had a breakdown and ended up medicated for years.

I can't help feel bad that I am still functioning. Christmas is going ahead. Though smaller. The kids are devastate. I can't take Christmas off them. I finished mum's Christmas shopping for dad so the kids got what she planned.

Functioning in the main.

In my less 'feeling guilty' moments, I just think we grieve how we grieve.

I am so sorry for the loss, of your mum.

HailAdrian · 22/12/2021 20:50

Sorry for your loss.

I felt a bit like this too OP, when my mum died 2 months ago. I've shed some drunken tears since but I still feel like I'm struggling to accept the reality of not seeing her again. It's so hard and I really am sorry.

ohfook · 22/12/2021 20:50

For me one of the worst things about grief is that normal life continues. The bottom can drop out of your world but the school run still needs doing, someone needs taken to a swimming lesson and the dishes don't do themselves. It felt for me hugely inconvenient because I just wanted the world to stop so I could concentrate on what I'd lost, but looking back now I wonder if it's a good thing; little anchors of normality to stop you drowning in that feeling of sadness.

sonjadog · 22/12/2021 20:54

Sorry for your loss. When I lost my father, one of the things I experienced in the first months was that I was very tired. At the time I thought it was odd as I wasn't doing anything particularly tiring, but looking back, the feeling flat and very tired was a symptom of grief. Go easy on yourself, it takes time to process what has happened.

Original poster

FeelingsUnexplained · 22/12/2021 20:55

Thank you everyone for your kind and lovely words, I’ve experienced grief before with the loss of my grandparents but this time it just feels so different. I didn’t expect to be 22 and loose my mom this young or especially before Christmas. I just wanted to do so many things with her and we had so many plans and now they’re all just gone.

OP posts:

BIWI · 22/12/2021 20:56

My mum died a while ago now - back in 2004. Like you, I was very close to her, and I always thought that I would be truly devastated when she died.

In the end, after the initial shock and tears, when I didn't seem to feel like I was grieving, I went to the doctor's and asked for some bereavement counselling. The counsellor asked me, after we'd chatted for a while, what I wanted out of the session. I said that I wanted to feel that it was OK to feel what I was feeling. She asked me if there was anything I felt was unfinished between me and my mum; and there wasn't. I knew that she knew I loved her, and I knew that she loved me. So the counsellor gave me permission, as it were, to feel as I was feeling.

Everyone grieves differently, and you don't have to be weeping and wailing to know that you've lost someone very close to you.

Although my mum's death was very sudden/unexpected, in the longer term it was inevitable, as she was suffering from secondary, and terminal, cancer. So the other thing that the counsellor said was that I had probably been preparing, psychologically, for some time for her death. Which, in some way, can make it easier.

I'm very sorry for your loss. But know that you can grieve however is OK for you.

Kbish1 · 22/12/2021 20:57

@FeelingsUnexplained

Thank you everyone for your kind and lovely words, I’ve experienced grief before with the loss of my grandparents but this time it just feels so different. I didn’t expect to be 22 and loose my mom this young or especially before Christmas. I just wanted to do so many things with her and we had so many plans and now they’re all just gone.

I don't know what to say apart from you are not alone. I feel the same. Though I am a bit older than you.

I was sure I had at least 10 years left with her. I can't believe she went so close to Christmas.

I am just so sorry you are going through this too. I don't know what else to say. I have no words of wisdom for.

RobertaFirmino · 22/12/2021 20:57

I was very similar when my Dad died (that was at Christmas too). I had to take care of all the admin and it was like I was operating on autopilot. I was the only person who could finalise his affairs, register the death, arrange the funeral etc. so I just had to get on with it. It didn't really hit me until after the funeral. Please do remember we are all different and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.

When a death is 'expected', it is much less of a shock. Not to say it is any less tragic because it isn't. However, we are a bit more prepared for it. If someone has been in terrible pain or otherwise incapacitated, death can sometimes seem like a release and we say things like 'Finally, they are at peace'. Again, this does not make their passing any less sad but we know it is merciful.

Please accept my condolences, I'm sorry this had to happen and I'm especially sorry about the time of year. I'm here if you ever need to talk. May your DM rest in eternal peace

scarpa · 22/12/2021 20:58

@FeelingsUnexplained

Thank you everyone for your kind and lovely words, I’ve experienced grief before with the loss of my grandparents but this time it just feels so different. I didn’t expect to be 22 and loose my mom this young or especially before Christmas. I just wanted to do so many things with her and we had so many plans and now they’re all just gone.

I'm so sorry, my heart hurts for you losing her while you're so young. Do go have people around you who will be there when you need them?

Fluffyfluffyclouds · 22/12/2021 20:59

Pretty normal yes. My story was similar, spent a lot of time with my Mum during her last months trying to support her, and when she died I pretty much didn't cry at all. Just chugged on with the funeral and probate etc etc.
I too was upset that I wasn't grieving "normally" as I had for other people, but posting on here (the Bereavement board) and a bit of reading, seems to suggest that it's a normal variation. And often more "normal" grief does come along, but down the line.

Sorry for your loss. Knowing that you did love her and did all you could for her gives you peace of mind, I hope.

mellongoose · 22/12/2021 21:00

Grief takes all sorts of forms.

When I was on my twenties, I Was watching a chat show with my grandma about carrying on after a spouse has died. Daytime telly nonsense.

She burst into tears and took me completely by surprise. Her husband had died in the 1950s leaving her with 3 young children. She had had little or no time to grieve for him, or her mum who died shortly afterwards. She put everything into raising her children.

60 years later she was sobbing her heart out. 😔

AfterEightMintyCedric · 22/12/2021 21:00

Oh sweetheart, now is not the time to worry about 'normal' and 'proper'.

Listen to your instincts...it's been 2 days so you're probably still in shock, and take care of yourself in whatever way you feel you need to.

I lost my dad in May after caring for him for 13 months - expected but still a shock. That period between his death and the funeral was kind of suspended animation.

I find the further along I get the more it catches up with me at random and I still get periods of feeling flat as you describe, usually at significant times...my first birthday without him, the 6 month mark.

If you feel you need support any time Cruse do bereavement support by text which I found really helpful on a couple of occasions.

Alpenguin · 22/12/2021 21:03

I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️

There’s no right way. Often when we’ve cared for a sick or elderly relative you kind of see the end of life approaching and you do a lot of grieving while they’re still alive, the end can feel like a release and yea even a relief. I’ve lost two parent figures (not my bio-parents but the people raised me) and the last time I grieved in the times I had alone while they were still alive. That doesn’t mean I don’t still get hit by random waves of grief but I processed it in a very different kind of way (very quiet and in solitude) to what I expected (wailing and gnashing of teeth). I miss them daily, even 12 years down the line but I always feel such joy at having played as big a part in their lives as they did for me. Like my repayment to them was the end of life caring and it all seemed so balanced and right.

yourestandingonmyneck · 22/12/2021 21:03

I'm so sorry

Yes, it's completely normal. It's an awful, awful thing to go through and there's a lot of stages to it.

Just do what you can to take care of yourself.

AD80 · 22/12/2021 21:03

Very normal. We all grieve differently. I lost my grandpa last year, I was very close to him as he raised me for the first few years of my life, just me and him a lot of the time and he was my best friend, I never had a dad around and he was always there for me and the first person to meet my babies, his great grandchildren. He died suddenly I got up put a load of laundry on, went to the shops, tidied my house. It just didn't feel real and I was carrying on as normal. Whereas some of my family members couldn't stop crying or get out of bed, another relative didn't shower for weeks because they didn't have the motivation.

As I said we all grieve differently, every person deals with it differently and don't feel guilty for it.

It can take a while to sink in. I am more tearful about his death now then I was when he first died. I didn't cry much at all in the days or months afterwards. Again, normal.

I have a friend who's just lost her mum. She messaged me saying she was feeling guilty for not crying but I told her it was still raw and she was in auto pilot single handedly organising her mums funeral.

I am really sorry to hear about your mum.

DancinOnTheCeiling · 22/12/2021 21:05

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I’ve just seen you’re only 22, I feel so sad for you to have to go through this so young. Losing someone never happens at the ‘right time’ but I do believe it’s even harder if it happens when you’re this young; eg she didn’t see you get married/have children (presumably anyway), that sort of thing. I echo what others have said, there is no right way to grieve. It sounds like there’s more then one loss: you’ve lost the person but also the future you imagined you’d have with your mum. I’m just so so sorry for you. I hope you have some support. Sending you lots of love 💐