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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

aibu not to see MIL over Christmas

44 replies

ItsmyElbow · 22/12/2021 19:11

MIL is difficult company; you can't have a conversation, she talks over whatever you're saying. She repeats old stories and talks only about herself (in painstaking detail).

She's not interested in anything DH or I have to say, only what relates to her. She talks non stop, it's very draining. Every time we see her, she will give me things to 'help' with, like sorting out a new broadband deal, booking her car for MOT, selling something she wants rid of - I'm non confrontational and hate saying no and I dread more jobs to do.

Dh becomes very exhausted in her company too, he goes silent and gets a migraine (not that he can get a word in, and if he does, she will talk/shout over him).

For example if we went on holiday, she'd ask 'how was it?'
He would say 'it was great! We went to
..'
And she would immediately interrupt and talk about every single holiday she's ever been on.

She couldn't even be bothered to concentrate for 2 minutes to watch our wedding video (we were married abroad) and instead talked about work.

Every year we visit her at Christmas so she isn't alone but DH has said he can't face it, but yet we both feel obligated.

Should we go, or be selfish and do our own thing this year? She will likely see friends on Christmas day if we don't visit.

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 22/12/2021 19:13

You've tested positive. You can't go. Very sorry. There you go. Sorted

HollowTalk · 22/12/2021 19:20

She will see friends otherwise? Haven't you just had a positive test result?

Isababybel · 22/12/2021 19:22

Wondering if we have the same mil, i can relate to every word!!!!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/12/2021 19:23

I would just say you want to spend Christmas with DH / your household (not sure if you have dc) this year

No need for lying about covid!

Catflapkitkat · 22/12/2021 19:23

What stopped you from saying - hang on, I haven't finished' when she asked about you holiday. How old is she? If she is elderly, seems a bit mean not to help her out with a few tasks or see her at Christmas. You may want to dip out but your DH may feel differently.

wishing3 · 22/12/2021 19:24

How far away is she?

Lunificent · 22/12/2021 19:27

What sort of mother was she when your husband was a boy? I’m fascinated by how someone can have brought children up over many years and then become so intolerable.

NeedsCharging · 22/12/2021 19:28

My MIL used to be like this. I solved it.
Everytime she would talk over me or DH I get up and excuse myself by either using the loo or making a drink and even saying "sorry my hip/back is giving me gip" and walking out the room.
No audience no reason for her to talk.
When I come back in I say "oh where was I/you DH?" And I continue my story.

It's worked so well DH who'd been my ex for 8 years still uses that trick.

ItsmyElbow · 22/12/2021 19:30

@Catflapkitkat

What stopped you from saying - hang on, I haven't finished' when she asked about you holiday. How old is she? If she is elderly, seems a bit mean not to help her out with a few tasks or see her at Christmas. You may want to dip out but your DH may feel differently.
She wouldn't hear you say 'I hadn't finished', she'd be talking over you, loudly, to drown you out.

Even if I say "I've heard this story, you told us, you ended up getting a taxi..."
She'll say "Wait for it! and then we ended up getting a taxi."

She's 62, definitely not elderly. I agree it seems mean. I've just run out of compassion after over a decade of it.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 22/12/2021 19:30

She’s fine to see friends if you don’t want to see her

But I think you’re a bit mean tbh. She sounds thoughtless and self absorbed, but she’s not actually harmful or hurtful in what she’s doing. If no one has ever told her how irritating she is how would she know, and I don’t think it’s right to just cut family members off.

I always wonder how some women would feel if, when they’re older, their own sons and DILs treated them like this

Vikingess · 22/12/2021 19:31

Being non “confrontational and and can’t say no” is a choice, not a disability.

ItsmyElbow · 22/12/2021 19:31

@wishing3

How far away is she?
About 1.5 hour drive
OP posts:
ItsmyElbow · 22/12/2021 19:32

@Vikingess

Being non “confrontational and and can’t say no” is a choice, not a disability.
Absolutely
OP posts:
ItsmyElbow · 22/12/2021 19:35

@ShirleyPhallus

She’s fine to see friends if you don’t want to see her

But I think you’re a bit mean tbh. She sounds thoughtless and self absorbed, but she’s not actually harmful or hurtful in what she’s doing. If no one has ever told her how irritating she is how would she know, and I don’t think it’s right to just cut family members off.

I always wonder how some women would feel if, when they’re older, their own sons and DILs treated them like this

This is exactly what's on my conscience, I've considered telling her but I don't think she'd be able to change it.
OP posts:
DancerPrancerDonnerBlitzen · 22/12/2021 19:37

I'm usually in the "do Christmas your way camp" but I agree with others that she doesn't sound like she's being hurtful. Just a bit tedious.

Can you just shorten the time you spend with her to make it more bearable? There has to be something other than cutting her out of your day entirely...?

I'm not hugely close to my in-laws, so we just do drinks with them on the day and then have dinner at home. Not even doing that this year as they're worried about covid.

Ponoka7 · 22/12/2021 19:38

Would she definitely have someone else to spend Christmas day with? If so then it's fine to have your day to yourselves. It's in years to come when you may be obligated, but not while she is fairly fit and working.

ItsmyElbow · 22/12/2021 19:38

@NeedsCharging

My MIL used to be like this. I solved it. Everytime she would talk over me or DH I get up and excuse myself by either using the loo or making a drink and even saying "sorry my hip/back is giving me gip" and walking out the room. No audience no reason for her to talk. When I come back in I say "oh where was I/you DH?" And I continue my story.

It's worked so well DH who'd been my ex for 8 years still uses that trick.

I think I'd be up so often I'd be out of the room permanently! Do you think your MIL realised she was doing it?
OP posts:
HelloDulling · 22/12/2021 19:38

It’s a bit short notice to leave her high and dry, but you can use a Covid-themed lie I suppose.

NeedsCharging · 22/12/2021 19:44

Do you think your MIL realised she was doing it?

No she hds court with her family and friends. It became the norm that she talked everyone listened.
Honestly it was MN that taught me that trick over 10 years ago! I was unconvinced it would work but it did.
When a person leaves or enters a room all eyes are naturally on them. Be that person Grin

ShirleyPhallus · 22/12/2021 19:45

I don’t think you need to tell her, but your husband should!

Kinneddar · 22/12/2021 19:49

I think its something you should have decided long before this. You can't suddenly 2 days before Christmas say you're not coming over on Christmas Day that's very unfair.

Asvan · 22/12/2021 19:56

Does she live on her own? Maybe she just enjoys having someone to talk to. You should pop in for at least an hour or two and then make an excuse and leave. Put yourself in her shoes- if you have DC then you would definitely want to see them at Xmas.

ItsmyElbow · 22/12/2021 20:01

@Kinneddar

I think its something you should have decided long before this. You can't suddenly 2 days before Christmas say you're not coming over on Christmas Day that's very unfair.
Nooo, DH told her a while ago, but now Christmas week is here I'm posting this...
OP posts:
ItsmyElbow · 22/12/2021 20:02

@NeedsCharging

Do you think your MIL realised she was doing it?

No she hds court with her family and friends. It became the norm that she talked everyone listened.
Honestly it was MN that taught me that trick over 10 years ago! I was unconvinced it would work but it did.
When a person leaves or enters a room all eyes are naturally on them. Be that person Grin

Grin
OP posts:
LethargicActress · 22/12/2021 20:04

Is she on her own and lonely?

If she spends a lot of time alone, I can understand why she’d want to do a lot of the talking, even though I can also see how tedious and frustrating that must be when you have to put up with it.

Just be kind and put up with it for a few hours.

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