aibu not to see MIL over Christmas

[ItsmyElbow]

MIL is difficult company; you can't have a conversation, she talks over whatever you're saying. She repeats old stories and talks only about herself (in painstaking detail).

She's not interested in anything DH or I have to say, only what relates to her. She talks non stop, it's very draining. Every time we see her, she will give me things to 'help' with, like sorting out a new broadband deal, booking her car for MOT, selling something she wants rid of - I'm non confrontational and hate saying no and I dread more jobs to do.

Dh becomes very exhausted in her company too, he goes silent and gets a migraine (not that he can get a word in, and if he does, she will talk/shout over him).

For example if we went on holiday, she'd ask 'how was it?'
He would say 'it was great! We went to
..'
And she would immediately interrupt and talk about every single holiday she's ever been on.

She couldn't even be bothered to concentrate for 2 minutes to watch our wedding video (we were married abroad) and instead talked about work.

Every year we visit her at Christmas so she isn't alone but DH has said he can't face it, but yet we both feel obligated.

Should we go, or be selfish and do our own thing this year? She will likely see friends on Christmas day if we don't visit.

Absolutely get your pain. I can, in company, "play" myself some music in my head. I like to "listen" to entire songs and literally nobody notices. My MIL is so self absorbed that her childhood is still a topic 6 decades on... and it takes a tremendous amount of tongue biting to not scream shut the fucking fuck up!!!!

@LethargicActress

Is she on her own and lonely?

If she spends a lot of time alone, I can understand why she’d want to do a lot of the talking, even though I can also see how tedious and frustrating that must be when you have to put up with it.

Just be kind and put up with it for a few hours.

Absolutely not. Why should someone sacrifice their time and energy on someone who contributes nothing?

Isababybel

Wondering if we have the same mil, i can relate to every word!!!!

Same here... Though Christmas Day this year it will be 2 years exactly since me and the kids have seen PIL, things went down hill last year. So nice not having that negativity in our lives, and the terrible conversational skills!

Don’t see an issue with it if your DP and you are both happy to not see her.

But this is another thread where the situation can be massively helped by you both learning to say no.

If you’re really struggling to do that I think you should look into some therapy.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or mean. I think as long as you’ve given her enough notice to make other plans it’s fine, especially if she’ll have a nice time with friends.

I know others are saying to tolerate it as she’s not doing anything hurtful etc. but that doesn’t take away from the impact it has on you both. I’ve been in similar situations and it’s so draining, leaves you feeling like you need a holiday after the interactions.

I think it's all great saying you don't want to do it anymore, but maybe not two days before Christmas! Different if she was an evil racist or something.

Fritilleries
My MIL is so self absorbed that her childhood is still a topic 6 decades on..

Omg same! My kids would try to tell MIL something about their life and she would just refer back to her childhood and the most closely related (often not fucking relevant)thing she could think of. Really insane. The kids stopped bothering.

I think you need a positive LFT, and just can’t go this year.

How draining can she possibly be for an hour or two on Christmas Day? Bit dramatic to get a migraine just from listening to someone talk. All sounds a bit feeble At your end

My DM is just like this. The irony is that her MIL my DG was also like this and DM used to whinge like fuck about her. A few years on and what do you know she’s as bad herself

Drink lots of wine, get out that imaginary bingo card and let her roll.

My DP is like this when he's had a drink. 6 times over 4 nights (one of which I was spared a rendition) I was told the thrilling story of how he'd taken pals to the supermarket, one had spent ages in there and DP had got tired of waiting and wanted to come home to our baby. Took at least ten minutes to relate this thrilling tale each time!

One time I provided the punch line just after he'd started. He asked how I knew, and EVEN THOUGH I told him he'd already told me repeatedly he STILL insisted on filling in the gap!!!

I'm sure no court would have convicted me!

Nooo, DH told her a while ago, but now Christmas week is here I'm posting this...

But your post reads as though she is expecting you. If you go, will that be a surprise to her?

@Fritilleries

Absolutely get your pain. I can, in company, "play" myself some music in my head. I like to "listen" to entire songs and literally nobody notices. My MIL is so self absorbed that her childhood is still a topic 6 decades on... and it takes a tremendous amount of tongue biting to not scream shut the fucking fuck up!!!!

It's reassuring to know you understand the pain of it! Everything, just everything, relates to her and it's constant.

Years ago when I confided in her that DH and I had found out we were unable to have children, she immediately told me how easy it was for her to fall pregnant with her two sons and launched into detail about the pregnancies and births. I was visibly upset and went to the toilet- she followed me and carried on talking at me through the closed door.

If she’s only 1.5 hours away surely that’s close enough to go and visit for just a couple of hours?
Put some calming music on for the drive there and back and grit your teeth for two hours?

Do you think your MIL realised she was doing it?

From this comment, it’s obvious you haven’t really been firm with her.

I sympathise, my MIL can talk a lot, she spends a lot of time alone but yours is on another level.

Leaving the room doesn’t work with your MIL so here’s what might work, it’s what a relative did with an aunt who won’t shut up:

When she starts her spiel, tell her ‘MIL, you have to give us a chance to speak as well or otherwise we can’t stay’. Then start gathering up your things. She will either modify her behaviour and let you speak as well or she will let you leave.

Keep doing this, she will get the message.

But start this in the new year, stay home for Christmas.

Sounds like she wouldn't give a shit who her audience is as long as she's got one.

You are both choosing to allow her to continue to be who she wants to be

Your bad

How have you tolerated this for 10 years?

She sounds utterly painful.

I think you have sacrificed enough Christmases, particularly as you say she has friends.

Inexplicably.

She has zero interest in you, just sitting speaking AT you.

I'd bail.

Oh OP, I feel for you. My MIL is the same. She always has been, and it's matter of record in my husband's family that no-one has got a worst in edgeways since 1972.

In her case, it comes from anxiety. It's as though she is absolutely terrified of what will happen if she just shuts up for one goddamn minute. My husband tries his best but just shuts down after an hour or two. To be around her is to feel your life drain away.

I have given birth to her three grandchildren and she has no idea who I am, what I do professionally (successfully, my career pays for our lifestyle) and even during my pregnancies and first baby visits has never once thought to asked how you know... I am. It's a constant intolerable stream of some mad old bat Sue they met in 1982 on a caravan holiday and how Sue liked a vodka, and when they went to the pub she had TWO bloody Marys.

I wish Sue had pushed her into a river in '82. It would have been a kindness.

"I was visibly upset and went to the toilet- she followed me and carried on talking at me through the closed door."

And you feel bad about not seeing her today?

Why?

Sounds as if you could sit cut outs of yourselves on the sofa & that would do well enough!