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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL spoiling Christmas over money row

50 replies

Rosieposie79 · 22/12/2021 15:26

Am recovering from covid booster and have no energy left for MIL/DH row.
My DH has given my MIL thousands over the years and she is always short of cash. He decided to stop because we have a young family and she refused to get a job (claiming ill health- so far Drs have found nothing wrong).
She earned some money from carer benefits but this has stopped. She also Airbnb's a room in her house. Recently she started asking for us to pay her expenses when she visits. DH told her straight up to get a job and stop sponging.
Last week she offered to look after our DC for a day and asked for money again for taxi. Again we said no at first but then DH gave her £100 as a xmas present. But she is now sulking 'not feeling well' and refusing to let us know if she is coming to visit for Christmas.
We generally get on ok because I try not get involved between her and DH but we are not close and it doesn't bother me if she chooses not to come, apart from the fact that DC are sad because they were looking forward to seeing her. I try to enable them to have a good relationship regardless of adult disagreements - and they all really love each other.
AIBU? Should we try and fix this - and save family Christmas for children or just stick to our line on money and let her sulk? What do other people do with older relatives who are short of cash but not quite old enough for a pension?

OP posts:

HouseAHunting · 22/12/2021 15:28

I would literally do nothing. Do not try to placate, don't subsidise. She needs to get a job. What makes her so special that she doesn't have to work?

happychristmasbum · 22/12/2021 15:30

How old is she?

Has she never worked?

Why has DH given her thousands of pounds?

Cocomarine · 22/12/2021 15:30

Well, it seems she’s not lying about being short of money if she’s prepared to have strangers in her house via AirBnB. So I’m actually a bit sympathetic about helping with the cost of coming to see you. She only wanted the taxi fare, and going to be doing childcare in return. The bigger picture is a problem, but I don’t think that’s the worst example of it.

madisonbridges · 22/12/2021 15:32

Probably not relevant to your question but I'm curious. What expenses does she have at your house?

Thethingswedidanddidntdo · 22/12/2021 15:36

I think this is a mixed bag OP.

YANBU to refuse to subsidise her lifestyle.

YA a bit U to say she doesn't have ill health - how can you be sure?

YABU to charge her for coming to yours to do childcare, and to charge her expenses when she visits you.

Porcupineintherough · 22/12/2021 15:36

Do you pay her for babysitting? Paying for her transport when she comes to you to babysit seems totally reasonable. Other than that YANBU.

Cocomarine · 22/12/2021 15:38

I just checked your previous posts because it’s sometimes helpful for a reply. I’ve only seen one about your MIL and her son and money - but it’s a doozie! I don’t think this issue can be really be taken out of context or what sounds like a looooooong history!
I do think though, that you should ignore a grown adult sulking, and expect your husband to take the lead on decisions about his mother.

Hankunamatata · 22/12/2021 15:40

Let her sulk. Tell her she is welcome to come for Christmas and leave it up to her.

EmpressCixi · 22/12/2021 15:46

I agree it’s a mixed bag
YANBU to stop the gravy train of free money
YABU to not pay her expenses if she’s providing you with free childcare
YABU to tell her to get a job and then expect her to work for you for free
YABU to say she doesn’t have ill health just because doctors haven’t figured out what is wrong with her. It took them four years to figure out a long term health condition I have and I was most certainly unwell during those four years of fruitless tests and referrals.

If I were in your shoes I would be paying her for childcare because that is something you would have to pay a child minder a wage to do, and providing nonfinancial support to help her sort out her budget and finances. She may be living in a house that is too big and too expensive for her to manage, for example. If AirBnB extra rooms isn’t enough, perhaps it is time she consider selling up and downsizing to a cheaper home and to release some extra cash to live off of.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 22/12/2021 16:00

Wow your dc sound better behaved! Would you reward your dc for having a tantrum?. Think not. Let her sulk. And make sure she most definitely isn't given the power to ruin your Christmas..

Skyechasemarshalontheway · 22/12/2021 16:03

Surely if she is babysitting you would pay her taxi. Thats not an unreasonable ask from her.

Hb12 · 22/12/2021 16:04

I would cover the costs for her travelling to help with childcare, not for general travel.

However, how old is she? How easy is it actually for her to get a job?

Discustard · 22/12/2021 16:18

She can claim UC, the airbnb money shouldn't affect that, as for babysitting you should really pay her travel to/from your home.

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/12/2021 16:25

YANBU to stop the gravy train.
I would do nothing but just don’t engage with her - let her cut off her nose and spite her face.

Yabu about the illness - that’s her business to tell the truth or lie about.

I wouldn’t use her for childcare but if you are going to use her… I would agree to legitimate expenses but I would want receipts.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/12/2021 16:27

Oh good god. Let her sulk and be glad she's not coming for Christmas.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 22/12/2021 16:28

I think you need to ask yourself how you'd feel about it if this was your mum, rather than MIL.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/12/2021 16:29

Your husband has been enabling her for years, of course she's going to throw a tantrum in hopes of getting her way. Ignore and go NC if needed. No more freeloading.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 22/12/2021 16:30

Having said that, asking for 'expenses' when she visits = batshit.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 22/12/2021 16:32

I wouldn’t have that.

If she’s “not feeling well” I’d be telling her that you’re concerned about covid and she needs to do a test for a start.

I’d also be calling her bluff by saying she needs to let you know now or you’ll not be getting in any extra food therefore she won’t be able to change her mind last minute.

Ilikepalindromes · 22/12/2021 16:32

Tell her to jog on. She can either work or if she's genuinely ill, she can claim benefits. Don't chase her. If she doesn't come, she doesn't come.

RobertsRadio · 22/12/2021 16:34

Do nothing, ignore her and hopefully the leech will stay away and you can enjoy a Christmas without the drama and tantrums.

Original poster

Rosieposie79 · 22/12/2021 16:38

I agree about the illness possibly still undiagnosed. However she does things like long distance hikes, weekend city breaks and volunteering with drama groups which suggest she is fit and full of energy.
For the childcare - we didn't ask or need her to do this. She asked to spend time with children for a day. Her only expense is travel to get here. Nothing else. This is only the 2nd time in 9 years.
She used to work. She just seems to believe that now her sons are working that they should support her - I find it difficult to fathom that mindset.
Maybe I just need to draw on those reserves of mum-patience, distance myself and move on.

OP posts:

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 22/12/2021 16:40

I find nothing helps a sulker get over themselves more effectively than being ignored. Let her get on with it, she will soon come around if starved of attention.

WeAllHaveWings · 22/12/2021 16:42

If she was doing you a favour babysitting (not just visiting her dgc) I would make sure she was not out of pocket.

Anything else would be a no. She needs to live within her means.

I do have some sympathy for someone who is older and doesn't have the confidence to enter the work place later in life regardless of what decisions got them into that position, so would occasionally treat her if we were visiting, maybe to a takeaway/meal out/day out with the kids type thing.

If you are 110% confident she is sulking, don't play games, tell her you hope she feels better soon and you'll catch up with her when she is feeling better.

Takemine · 22/12/2021 16:51

If she was looking after your children you should have paid her transport costs. No wonder she's hurt.

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