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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL spoiling Christmas over money row

50 replies

Rosieposie79 · 22/12/2021 15:26

Am recovering from covid booster and have no energy left for MIL/DH row.
My DH has given my MIL thousands over the years and she is always short of cash. He decided to stop because we have a young family and she refused to get a job (claiming ill health- so far Drs have found nothing wrong).
She earned some money from carer benefits but this has stopped. She also Airbnb's a room in her house. Recently she started asking for us to pay her expenses when she visits. DH told her straight up to get a job and stop sponging.
Last week she offered to look after our DC for a day and asked for money again for taxi. Again we said no at first but then DH gave her £100 as a xmas present. But she is now sulking 'not feeling well' and refusing to let us know if she is coming to visit for Christmas.
We generally get on ok because I try not get involved between her and DH but we are not close and it doesn't bother me if she chooses not to come, apart from the fact that DC are sad because they were looking forward to seeing her. I try to enable them to have a good relationship regardless of adult disagreements - and they all really love each other.
AIBU? Should we try and fix this - and save family Christmas for children or just stick to our line on money and let her sulk? What do other people do with older relatives who are short of cash but not quite old enough for a pension?

OP posts:

woodhill · 22/12/2021 16:53

I don't blame you for being fed up with her, how old is she, why can't she support herself?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/12/2021 17:01

She just seems to believe that now her sons are working that they should support her

Is this some kind of cultural thing, or just common-or-garden selfishness? Not that "culture" means it's any less selfish of course, but it does bring other things into play

Anyway my answer would be the same: since she's capable of supporting herself then that's what she does - and just be grateful your DH has finally put his foot down, since some don't!!

madisonbridges · 22/12/2021 17:07

Your husband gave her money for her Christmas present that she was to use on travel fare to look after your children? If that were me, I might have a little sulk about that!

ThrobbingToothacheOfTheMind · 22/12/2021 17:08

Does she not have a bus pass? Why does she need to get a taxi?
I’d go NC with the CF, sponging thousands of pounds and still ungrateful.

AshLane · 22/12/2021 17:11

I'm with you OP.

She visited you, she didn't have to provide childcare.
She seems to have enough time, money and energy to live her life with hikes and weekends away.

She needs to sort out her own financial issues.

Aderyn21 · 22/12/2021 17:26

If she asked to come and spend the day with the kids, that's not quite the same thing as OP asking her for childcare. OP doesn't necessarily want this 'favour'.
As much as it's arguable to pay her fare if she's looking after the kids, it can be flipped to say she owes them help having been given thousands of pounds.
Personally I don't think seeing grandchildren is transactional - she should see them because she wants to. It's not an opportunity to rinse her don for more money.

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/12/2021 17:27

People show their true colours when you stop doing what they want you to do.

Bagelsandbrie · 22/12/2021 17:33

Taxi fare when babysitting is fine. Anything else = not fine.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/12/2021 17:38

People show their true colours when you stop doing what they want you to do

Ain't that the truth ...

COPPER3 · 22/12/2021 17:39

How old is she?

I would never, ever expect my 3 sons to support me as long as I was able bodied enough to work and it sounds like she is!

Babyroobs · 22/12/2021 17:42

@Rosieposie79

I agree about the illness possibly still undiagnosed. However she does things like long distance hikes, weekend city breaks and volunteering with drama groups which suggest she is fit and full of energy. For the childcare - we didn't ask or need her to do this. She asked to spend time with children for a day. Her only expense is travel to get here. Nothing else. This is only the 2nd time in 9 years. She used to work. She just seems to believe that now her sons are working that they should support her - I find it difficult to fathom that mindset. Maybe I just need to draw on those reserves of mum-patience, distance myself and move on.

This sons supporting their mothers, I wonder if it's a cultural thing ? Just querying this as I see it a lot in my work.

Gazelda · 22/12/2021 17:43

Who was she a carer for? Has that person now moved out of the home?

Have you suggested she gets a benefits check and then try to help her create a budget?

Does she also take money from her other DS?

AstroBunny · 22/12/2021 18:00

Always always always ignore sulking

Don’t feed the monster 👹

CoffeeMuggins · 22/12/2021 18:02

@madisonbridges

Your husband gave her money for her Christmas present that she was to use on travel fare to look after your children? If that were me, I might have a little sulk about that!

She asked to do it.

For the childcare - we didn't ask or need her to do this. She asked to spend time with children for a day

But this is batshit;

She just seems to believe that now her sons are working that they should support her

Surely they have told her that's simply not happening? Why does she think this?

AcrossthePond55 · 22/12/2021 18:50

Let her sulk. Don't bring up Xmas again. Cook enough that if she does decide to come all you have to do is set an extra place. Chances are when she sees that her sulking isn't getting her the reaction she wants, she'll stop and grudgingly say she'll come 'for the children'. If that happens just accept graciously and say no more.

I agree that the gravy train needs to 'dry up'. But I think that's up to your DH to deal with as far as telling her 'no'. But if I asked her to babysit, I'd offer to pay her the going 'teenage sitter' rate and for transportation if she wanted to put it on such a 'businesslike' footing. But if she asked or volunteered, then I'd pay for transport only.

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2021 19:14

YANBU. I don’t think you should pay her for anything, it sounds ridiculous that she doesn’t work.

Pixxie7 · 22/12/2021 19:41

I can never understand parents who expect their children to fund their life style choices. She must be getting benefits including rent unless she has a mortgage.
Your DH is enabling her I would tell her that you can’t afford to continue to do this and let her get on with it.

TheCatterall · 22/12/2021 20:11

I do feel sorry for your DH if you do indeed not get involved in it. Does he feel supported in dealing with her?

I think you both need to agree that as a fully capable adult she has to sort out her own life and find it or live within her means.

Stop giving her money. Stop letting her walk all over your boundaries as a family unit.

Decide between you and your DH how you’d like things to run going forward. Yes she can have a relationship with your DC but you should t have to be paying for it.

Original poster

Rosieposie79 · 22/12/2021 20:58

@WeAllHaveWings I have wondered if confidence with returning to work might be an issue and she is saying she has an 'illness' when it is actually specifically anxiety. I doubt she would like a suggestion of help with this though.

@discustard can she still claim UC even though she owns a £400k property with no mortgage?

@puzzledandpissedoff my DH reckons that in her culture (working class & half Greek) those that have money always share with those that don't. However she doesn't seem to get that she isn't actually poor (£400k house) just doesn't have much income and is cr*p at budgeting.

OP posts:

Discustard · 22/12/2021 23:17

[quote Rosieposie79]@WeAllHaveWings I have wondered if confidence with returning to work might be an issue and she is saying she has an 'illness' when it is actually specifically anxiety. I doubt she would like a suggestion of help with this though.

@discustard can she still claim UC even though she owns a £400k property with no mortgage?

*@puzzledandpissedoff my DH reckons that in her culture (working class & half Greek) those that have money always share with those that don't. However she doesn't seem to get that she isn't actually poor (£400k house) just doesn't have much income and is crp at budgeting.[/quote]
Yes she can claim UC, the value of the home you live is in disregarded for means tested benefits. UC does not take into account income from lodgers in your home. She can also get council tax benefit from the council she pays ctax to - airbnb income likely to affect this. She can also present a sick note to UC and see how they feel about her health.

This is all assuming she isn't getting any other benefits already, mind, in which case she needs to have a chat with someone herself.

Discustard · 22/12/2021 23:18

and by someone i mean a benefits adviser lol

Clymene · 22/12/2021 23:23

How old is she?

Original poster

Rosieposie79 · 23/12/2021 13:29

Had a chat wit MIL about UC (thank you for this heads-up mumsnet!). Turns out she already looked at this and is eligible - but chose not to take it... I give up!

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/12/2021 13:36

Turns out she already looked at (UC) and is eligible - but chose not to take it

But there's no need to inconvenience herself with all the paperwork, is there, so long as you're bailing her out?

Hopefully your DH means it about this ending though ...

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/12/2021 14:56

I would’ve had kids if I knew they bankrolled your retirement.

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