Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Do I leave him or stay?

38 replies

namechange123907 · 22/12/2021 15:15

So I'm a new mum to an amazing 5 month old. But ever since I had her, my relationship with my husband has fallen apart.

He's always been a very angry person, and small things will tip him over the edge very quickly. Having our DD has only made this worse and he snaps at me all the time.

I've tried to talk to him about it but it always ends in him shouting and me crying, and him then saying that I always get so upset.

A recent example is that I forgot to take my antidepressants that morning and he told me I was stupid and shouted and said it was my own fault when I started crying.

He's a lovely person in many ways, but he's also very irritable and can be quick to be nasty or blame things on me. Or he'll say things like "why is the baby's drawer such a *** mess" - when it's me that puts the clothes away.

I am very anxious and I think it really grates on him, particularly when I ask him to drive slower or to be careful of the babies head etx. Hell act like I've attacked him and shout back, or freeze me out until i apppogise.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him - and I know sleep derivation and our lives completely changing hasn't really helped but I feel totally stuck

I don't even really know what I want or need to do, I know if I was reading this from someone else I'd think "why not just leave him" but it's
so much more complicated than that. I want my daughter with me all the time and the thought of having to share custody with him absolutely kills me. We also lots of pets, shared bank accounts and were planning to move to a bigger house.

I'm too scared to tell my family because they all think he's lovely (and he is a wonderful dad) but I really feel stuck. I love my baby so much and can't help but think we'd be better off by ourselves.

Thank you so much if you read all of this.

OP posts:

StripeyDeckchair · 22/12/2021 15:23

Hes not a wonderful dad if he's shouting & yelling all the time.
Hes not a good partner if you're scared of him & walking on eggshells all the time.

Is this the sort of relationship you want your child growing up in? Thinking is normal?

I'd try to find some quiet time to sit down & talk about it unemotionally. Maybe get some counselling both of you?
Ultimately think about how you & your DD want to spend the next 5 - 10 - 20 years

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 22/12/2021 15:23

Have my first ever LTB.

You had me at "he's always been a very angry person". You could potentially try counselling together but I feel like he might just dismiss the idea.

You and your daughter deserve better.

Hankunamatata · 22/12/2021 15:25

Counselling, doing parent course together? Something has to change

Hankunamatata · 22/12/2021 15:26

Does he struggled with mental health or OCD?

Original poster

namechange123907 · 22/12/2021 15:27

@Hankunamatata - he doesn't no, I think he has some undiagnosed anger issues. It's me that has extreme anxiety and OCD which he finds very annoying and doesn't understand.

OP posts:

BurbageBrook · 22/12/2021 15:30

He’s absolutely abusive. Read ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft. It describes your husband, sadly.

harper30 · 22/12/2021 15:31

Leave him. I've never said that on here before I don't think.
Leave him today and go to your parents or a friends or a sibling's and enjoy Christmas without having to worry that your abusive partner will scream and shout and swear at you.
If my husband treated me like that, ever, I'd be living with my parents with my daughter.
Hope you're ok x

Heartburnkillingme · 22/12/2021 15:33

He’s abusive and always will be. Nothing will change him. The baby didn’t, if anything he’s worse. You can move the sun and stars and it’ll never be good enough. You can try and address it but it’ll be “why do you act like i abuse you” “I’ve never once raised a hand to you”. “I’d be ok if it wasn’t for you, the baby, work, the dog, global warming etc”. You can’t make him happy and he’s not making you happy. You can’t live forever under the oppression of somebody else’s mood swings.

JohannSebastianBach · 22/12/2021 15:38

From what you say I'm not sure if he's abusive or not. Only you know. If he isn't then I think it's time for a very frank conversation.
Basically I would be asking if he actually likes me, does he want to be in the relationship and does he want me to feel like shit all the time?
I would say it has to change or I'm leaving and then see what his response is.
Couples counselling might help if he is willing to engage.
If he is abusive then you need to end the relationship.

Mabelface · 22/12/2021 15:42

He's abusive, and you may find your anxiety improves if you're not with him.

Livrose · 22/12/2021 15:42

@namechange123907

So I'm a new mum to an amazing 5 month old. But ever since I had her, my relationship with my husband has fallen apart.

He's always been a very angry person, and small things will tip him over the edge very quickly. Having our DD has only made this worse and he snaps at me all the time.

I've tried to talk to him about it but it always ends in him shouting and me crying, and him then saying that I always get so upset.

A recent example is that I forgot to take my antidepressants that morning and he told me I was stupid and shouted and said it was my own fault when I started crying.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with him - and I know sleep derivation and our lives completely changing hasn't really helped but I feel totally stuck

Thank you so much if you read all of this.

If it was your friend telling you this about their partner, what would you say? X

Suzanne999 · 22/12/2021 15:45

[quote namechange123907]@Hankunamatata - he doesn't no, I think he has some undiagnosed anger issues. It's me that has extreme anxiety and OCD which he finds very annoying and doesn't understand.[/quote]
I’m sorry but no child deserves to live with an adult who has “undiagnosed anger issues”
He shouts at you —- how long before he shouts at your daughter?
Are you in antidepressants because of his behaviour?

Is there any way you and the baby can have a break away from him ? That might help you clarify your feelings.

LJAKS · 22/12/2021 15:49

I left a marriage to an "angry" man. I was on anxiety medication throughout the marriage. I'm not since the divorce. I don't have uncontrollable anxiety it turns out I was just married to a walloper.
Shared custody isn't so bad either. I have my daughter all but two days a month which suits me. She's so much more at ease too as your child will also learn to walk on eggshells as they grow up and that's painful to watch knowing you're keeping them in that situation.

user15364596354862 · 22/12/2021 15:53

Of course you're anxious - it's a natural reaction to being abused.

WorraLiberty · 22/12/2021 16:00

But she's here now and do you really want her growing up thinking the way her father treats you is ok?

I'm sorry but I think you really need to leave.

happychristmasbum · 22/12/2021 16:00

I agree with PP. I wonder if your anxiety and MH issues would improve swiftly if you left him?

Does he speak to other people the way he speaks to you? People at work? Or does he save his anger issues up just for you?

Are you breastfeeding? That would mean he would only get limited access to the baby until they are older, and after a while, you come to look forward to a night of freedom

It's not fair on your DD to stay in this situation, and you deserve a happy life.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 22/12/2021 16:01

I wonder did you have such mh issues before you met him op?
He isn't nice. He isn't a nice dh or df...

MojoMoon · 22/12/2021 16:04

Leave.

He is awful.

You are miserable and rightly so.

A good man does not treat his partner like that.

You can have a happier life without out him and you deserve a happier life.

Please consider doing the Freedom programme and reflecting on patterns in your relationship and why you may have got yourself into a dysfunctional marriage like this

MojoMoon · 22/12/2021 16:07

And he is not a wonderful father.

A wonderful father treats his children's mother with respect and kindness and models good behaviour for his children.

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 22/12/2021 16:07

Your DD is going to grow up scared of him. You need to find a way out.

LowlandLucky · 22/12/2021 16:10

Was he wonderful before the baby was born or has he always been like this ?

Justcallmebebes · 22/12/2021 16:11

Did you have anxiety before you met him OP?

georgarina · 22/12/2021 16:11

Why not try staying with your parents or a friend for a few days and see if you feel better without him around

MissKittyFantastico84 · 22/12/2021 16:12

It is worrying that you say you don't just want people to tell you to leave him. With kindness, what would you like people to say? That you should stay and try to change him into a better man? Advice on how you would go about doing that? We all know that people don't really change - not without a lot of hard work, determination and accountability for their actions. It doesn't sound like that's the place he's in.

You know something is wrong, you know you aren't happy. You've come online and written a post to strangers about the way he is treating you - it's a call for help. Speak to real people who love you, show them what you've written here.

Please take care of yourself and the future you want for your child and make a new life away from him.

I wish you all the best x

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 22/12/2021 16:21

Lundy's book is online as a pdf if you wish to have a look

ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Interesting that you say my family because they all think he's lovely" which I take means he doesn't explode in front of them or at them. I alo think he probably doesn't do it at work either to his boss or his colleagues. So that would leave just doing it to you. Have a think about that.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread