To fear being single

[hanketypankety]

I would like to hear your positive stories please! My marriage is a mess but since I was young, I've always felt like it was important to be married or at least be with someone. I have a wonderful DS who is 6. But I'm terrified of being on my own. I'm even scared to be on my own at night which is thoroughly ridiculous at my age

*I hope that meets with your approval, that should be.

Wow, just chiming into say i left my abusive x with a rucksack and 2 kids. It took me 7 years but i got my own small place. It needs doing up and when kids are through uni then ill fix it up. For now though it's dated but it's home. I dont have a bridget jones life but i have a secure job i like and a few close friends. Im happy and im free.

I sometimes pity married women tbh. Why is it so important to be married? Is it so shameful to be single!? I cannot understand this mindset

@TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY I like the cut of your jib!

I've never understood the 'need' to be partnered either. When you're in your dotage and sat in your chair at the nursing home, do you want memories of a shitty life with a rotten husband? Or do you want to remember how free you were, the good times you had, the friends, the dates, and the trips you enjoyed?

Oh lovely you've been sold a pup by the patriarchy I'm afraid.

We have it drummed into us starting with bedtime stories that we don't have value if we are single!

It's bullshit!

It's perfectly possible to be happily single.

It's certainly a damn sight better to be happily single than it is to be a miserable married!

You're not stupid you've been indoctrinated!

Get some therapy, assertiveness training and a self defence class in the new year! You could even perhaps get a dog?

How are you set financially? But then saying that I'm disabled and on benefits and manage fine! Not easily but fine and money isn't a good enough reason to get into a relationship

Fear of change is also totally normal and understandable there's a reason "better the devil you know" is a saying (but it's wrong!)

I'm 49 I've been single (to all intents and purposes - not a nun though ) for almost 20 years following my own divorce (his cheating)

It was daunting at first and admittedly that's why I didn't rush back into dating, but even when I did and I was open to somebody new I simply didn't meet anyone that great then after a while I realised I was quite happy staying alone.

My dd is now at uni but actually left home a couple years ago and went uni later than most so I've been living completely alone this will be my 3rd solo Christmas too. That's not entirely my choice partly health issues and I did worry the 1st year but actually I'm fine with it now

@LittleRoundRobin it's entirely possible to be lonely in a crowd, to be lonely in a marriage...

Being alone =/= lonely necessarily plus the more introverted of us can struggle having to be "on" all the time

I was married to an army soldier and so there were times when we had just moved to a place and then he was off on deployment! That's months not a few days! Tbqh I think anyone who can't cope without their spouse/partner for a few days needs to look at why they're so insecure. A partner/spouse shouldn't be all things to you anyway that's deeply unhealthy!

I have friends, I am perfectly happy occupying myself I am disabled and unable to work but that would be true whether I was in a relationship or not anyway! I have ocd and when I was in a relationship that made things harder for me not easier as I didn't want to impose my need for order on them and then I'd get stressed out by their mess!

Being single is awesome! I can do what I like when I like however I choose.

Struggling financially is NOT a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. I've never had it easy financially but dealing with that PLUS an unhappy marriage would make it even harder!

Given men tend to die younger how on earth are you going to cope when he dies?!

Honestly I think we need to be telling our daughters (as I have) that relationships CAN be great, amazing, fulfilling BUT that being single is preferable to a bad one and that there's nothing wrong with choosing singledom!

I was in a unhappy marriage and felt too scared to leave. My ex left as we were so unhappy. The first couple of weeks were hard, I was worried about how I would manage kids. But after those first couple of weeks I realised how happy I felt. I just felt at peace I could do what I want and be who I want. I loved having that time with my daughters. I was single for a couple of years and I loved it. The thing is you are unhappy now. You have nothing to lose, you don't know how you will feel by your self but your unhappy any way so why not take the chance?

@UserBot

Wow, just chiming into say i left my abusive x with a rucksack and 2 kids. It took me 7 years but i got my own small place. It needs doing up and when kids are through uni then ill fix it up. For now though it's dated but it's home. I dont have a bridget jones life but i have a secure job i like and a few close friends. Im happy and im free.

I sometimes pity married women tbh. Why is it so important to be married? Is it so shameful to be single!? I cannot understand this mindset

Well, not all of us have abusive husbands. Some of us are fortunate enough to like being married. We didn't do it because we felt ashamed to be single.

But I'd infinitely rather be single than married to an arsehole.

I'm like that at night. You get used to it. Also if you have a lot of anxiety in general there are ways you can help with that. :)

Does dh really add that much value? Does he really make you feel more safe?

What if you had your own place with your child you could make all your own?

Op I can really relate. I am also scared of being single and also scared at night when I’m on my own (I do have a bit of anxiety though. I have had some CBT for that as well).

I didn’t like being single when I was, I didn’t like dating, I didn’t pick the best people to date, and I like being in a relationship because it feels secure somehow. My marriage isn’t great either and I know I only stick with it because I am scared of being single and staying is easier than going because we have children.

Some of the replies you’ve got are empowering though!

I find the idea of being scared to be on your own at night absolutely bizarre... this is totally drinking the patriarchy Kool Aid. Do the people saying this realise you are far more likely to be assaulted or hurt by your husband or partner (or another male member of your family) than by a stranger?

I like being in a relationship because it feels secure somehow

Wtf? You think being in a relationship is ‘secure’? It’s not. It’s giving someone else the power and opportunity to cause huge upheaval in your life if they do wish, if their head is turned by someone, if they get fed up of you, if they get the infamous ‘ick’ etc. They can pull the rug from under your feet so easily. It’s the opposite of secure.

Being single means nobody has the opportunity to do that to you. You are in control. You are responsible for your life. Nobody is going to upend it.

Struggling financially is NOT a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage.

Not a really unhappy marriage, I agree. But if it was just underwhelming, and you weren't keen to find another relationship anyway, I think staying for financial reasons might be a good choice.

I didn’t like being single when I was, I didn’t like dating, I didn’t pick the best people to date, and I like being in a relationship because it feels secure somehow. My marriage isn’t great either and I know I only stick with it because I am scared of being single and staying is easier than going because we have children.

And I think this is very honest, and describes a huge number of marriages. Dating is often pretty rubbish, and many women are just glad to put it behind them. They are not tempted to leave an imperfect marriage because the other options are no better, and they don't consider being single an option at all.

Dating is often pretty rubbish, and many women are just glad to put it behind them. They are not tempted to leave an imperfect marriage because the other options are no better, and they don't consider being single an option at all.

But why don't they consider being single an option? This is the point.

Yes dating can be grim and if you're hellbent on finding another underwhelming relationship to jump to at any cost then I can see that the status quo may seem preferable to being on a dating treadmill, picking your way through unappealing men.

But where does this assumption come from that you're always better off in a relationship than you are on your own?

Some of the reasons trotted out on this thread are just nonsense: the idea that you're safer at night, for example? You're at far greater risk of being hurt if you have a partner than if you're single. I find it fairly shocking that people don't understand this. Or the idea that you are automatically worse off financially - yes there are some benefits to sharing costs but an awful lot of women thrive financially on their own.

Why do people cling to the idea that being in any relationship is always preferable to being on their own? The reality is that its just conditioning and stigma. There's absolutely no evidence to support this.

But where does this assumption come from that you're always better off in a relationship than you are on your own?

I agree. It’s terribly sad to see so many women who stay in shit relationships, burdening themselves with awful men, just because they don’t believe they can manage on their own. How have so many women reached adulthood with such little self-esteem and self-respect?

But why don't they consider being single an option? This is the point.

Oh I know - I love being single. But it doesn't suit everyone - horses for courses.

How have so many women reached adulthood with such little self-esteem and self-respect?

I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with self esteem or self respect. There are many financial and practical advantages to being married, and a lot of women do the maths and choose the least worst option. I don't think there's anything wrong with being pragmatic.

If you don’t want to live alone you can get a lodger. Helps financially too.

I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with self esteem or self respect. There are many financial and practical advantages to being married, and a lot of women do the maths and choose the least worst option.

Yeah that's all fine and sensible. Getting married when you're in a relationship for financial stability is often a good idea. But that's not what's being discussed here.

The point the OP made is that she's scared of being single and is therefore remaining in an unhappy marriage. Therefore it clearly does have to do with self-esteem.

I can't for the life of me see how remaining in a marriage that makes you miserable is the "least worst option". And I think this terror people have of being on there own is in large part why they end up getting into terrible marriages.

Everyone's different. Some people just aren't equipped for a solitary life. However, the practicalities should be the least of your concern because they can be overcome - as a poster said upthread, Deliveroo for stuff when you're ill.

I currently have my horde with me for Christmas, but having tasted the empty nest lifestyle, I know that solitary suits me down to the ground.

In terms of fear at night, a night light and some soothing white noise can be incredibly helpful.

@sammylady37

I like being in a relationship because it feels secure somehow

Wtf? You think being in a relationship is ‘secure’? It’s not. It’s giving someone else the power and opportunity to cause huge upheaval in your life if they do wish, if their head is turned by someone, if they get fed up of you, if they get the infamous ‘ick’ etc. They can pull the rug from under your feet so easily. It’s the opposite of secure.

Being single means nobody has the opportunity to do that to you. You are in control. You are responsible for your life. Nobody is going to upend it.

Wow I have never thought of it this way round. You are so so right

Some people just aren't equipped for a solitary life.

I know what you mean and certainly some people are better adapted to relationships than others. But I just don't think its true that anyone isn't "equipped" for a solitary life. If they're not, then that's a failure on the part of their parents.

Everyone should be able to cope on their own. Some choose not to and that's fine, but that should be a conscious choice to share your life with someone rather than a desperate grabbing onto the life raft to stop yourself drowning. It's a mindset.

No-one should be raising children who can only function in relationships. It's just too risky.

@sammylady37

I like being in a relationship because it feels secure somehow

Wtf? You think being in a relationship is ‘secure’? It’s not. It’s giving someone else the power and opportunity to cause huge upheaval in your life if they do wish, if their head is turned by someone, if they get fed up of you, if they get the infamous ‘ick’ etc. They can pull the rug from under your feet so easily. It’s the opposite of secure.

Being single means nobody has the opportunity to do that to you. You are in control. You are responsible for your life. Nobody is going to upend it.

This is so, so true. I was in a LTR and thought I was secure and he ended it suddenly and completely upended my entire life. Now I’m single and self sufficient and doing absolutely fine. Yes dating is hard and can be pretty rubbish, but now nobody has the power to pull the rug out from under me in such a cruel and sudden way. Being in a relationship is certainly not a guarantee of security in my experience (or that of many of my friends).

@thepeopleversuswork

Some people just aren't equipped for a solitary life.

I know what you mean and certainly some people are better adapted to relationships than others. But I just don't think its true that anyone isn't "equipped" for a solitary life. If they're not, then that's a failure on the part of their parents.

Everyone should be able to cope on their own. Some choose not to and that's fine, but that should be a conscious choice to share your life with someone rather than a desperate grabbing onto the life raft to stop yourself drowning. It's a mindset.

No-one should be raising children who can only function in relationships. It's just too risky.

I couldn't agree with you more. A relationship should add something, not fill a gap where something is missing.

Some people just aren't equipped for a solitary life.

Being single doesn't have to mean being solitary.

I actually find being single more secure. Whenever a relationship ended, even if I was partly sad, I still find myself thinking "factpry settinge restored" with relief.

My mum is like the poster up thread who wonders how single people cope. I went to visit my friend in spain and before i came home, i stayed a couple of nights in a lovely hotel.

My mum was baffled. "But you'll be on your own" she said ten times. I said "but ill be in a nice hotel!" In the end I said "mum, im braver than you are" and she didnt like that either.

and they don't consider being single an option at all.

Which is ridiculous! It's absolutely an option and I still disagree that staying for financial reasons is a good idea

Why do people cling to the idea that being in any relationship is always preferable to being on their own? The reality is that its just conditioning and stigma. There's absolutely no evidence to support this.

Exactly