To fear being single

[hanketypankety]

I would like to hear your positive stories please! My marriage is a mess but since I was young, I've always felt like it was important to be married or at least be with someone. I have a wonderful DS who is 6. But I'm terrified of being on my own. I'm even scared to be on my own at night which is thoroughly ridiculous at my age

@Itsnotdeep

I don't get what *@LittleRoundRobin* is saying. Have you read the thread on here today where the husband is ordering lunch from his wife, or the one where the wife is locked in her room and too scared to go downstairs? Or even the OP where her marriage is a mess. It's always preferable to be alone than miserable in a marriage.

Apart from anything else, you'll never meet someone you can get old with happily if you are stuck in a shit marriage. And many many people do get old alone. They have friends and relatives and children and a network that doesn't include a (shit) husband.

OP, what are you scared of? Can you explain? My biggest regret is staying in my marriage much longer than I should have.

I didn't say people should stay in bad or abusive marriage FFS. At least try and read my post properly, and don't cherry pick to suit your agenda! I said it's understandable how some women stay in dull/loveless/boring marriages because it's a lot easier and better than being alone, for SOME WOMEN.

[quote Orreries]@LittleRoundRobin, did you actually intend that to be helpful to the OP? Because if your intention is to frighten her into staying in her 'mess' of a marriage, then congratulations. Just because you are incapable of earning an income enough to support yourself, or to manage to spend a mere four days without someone else living with you, really doesn't mean you are usual.[/quote]
My thoughts and opinions and points I made, are just as valid as yours - or anyone else's. So just bog off with your demeaning and scathing comments towards me.

Moreover, the scenarios I describe (women living in poverty and struggling alone after leaving her husband) are far more likely than a woman leaving her husband and having some bloody Bridget Jones type life with a fabulous career and a lovely glossy new home all to herself, that some posters on here claim they have after leaving THEIR husbands.

One poster further back said she found she was able to buy her own house, BY HERSELF, (after leaving her husband,) which just proves my point -and that of some others - that mumsnet is NOT a true reflection of real life for most women on here. The vast VAST majority of women, after leaving their husband of many years, would NOT be able to buy their own bloody house on their own.

Some of the posts some people put on here are utterly ridiculous, and damn insulting and demeaning to the many MANY women who struggle badly financially, and have no choice but to stay in a marriage they are not overly happy in.

As I said, my thoughts and views are as valid as yours. Who made YOU the forum police?

@LittleRoundRobin, your unusual level of dependence, financial and emotional, is at the extreme end of the scale. The key to not being an impoverished woman after the end of a marriage is not ever dialling significantly back on your professional life, and certainly not becoming a SAHM. But I'll leave you to it, as I clearly hit a nerve, and your babble about Bridget Jones doesn't make a lot of sense.

But maybe think about not exploring your own fears on the thread of someone else whose marriage is unhappy, and who is trying to summon up the courage to consider leaving.

I am married but my husband works nights so I am alone at night with dc. Pre-kids, I didn't mind staying on my own at all but since we had dc, we installed a house alarm with a panic button.

I don't worry about imaginary noises anymore - if the house alarm isn't going off, there's nobody here. If it were to go off, I have a plan that I would grab the panic button, run to dc's bedroom and lock ourselves in until help arrived. I've never needed to do that but if gives me peace of mind.

OP, I’ve been single for 30 years, ever since my DH died. I raised our two babies alone, while working as a hospital doctor.
It doesn’t have to be scary. You soon learn to cope alone, and you simply hire tradesmen to do anything you can’t do yourself, such as plumbing or electrical repairs.
A very high proportIon of people live alone in the UK. Most of us are getting on with it just fine. You can too. Have a little faith in yourself!

Honestly, when my marriage broke down, due to my ex’s adultery, I was bereft. Heartbroken and terrified of being alone. It had been my whole adult life and I was scared of being in my thirties and newly single and without the person I had considered my best friend.
18 months on and I’m feeling pretty good. I spend an evening or 2 a week with friends and am not lonely. I have a busy job which keeps me well occupied with plenty of people to talk to.
I have dogs and we go for lovely long walks together and I’ve met a great group of female walkers who I go on hikes with and have made some new friendships there too. The dogs are also good for evening cuddles and to stop the house feeling empty.
Honestly, I don’t see myself rushing for a new relationship - I’m not lonely and it’s sometimes a relief not having the stress of someone else to always be thinking of. If something comes along I wouldn’t say no, but I don’t see me living with another human again any time soon! The hardest part is letting go of the dream, the fantasy of how life could have been and instead making the most of the life you are living.
It brings with it a sort of peace and strength and I’m pretty bloody proud of myself.

I used to fear it but now i like it!
I left my abusive x at 37 and did want to meet somebody else. I never did (well, i met somebody but i ended it)

He was a prince compared to my x but i still prefer being single. So much easier.

Its a huge scary step but if you do decide you want to leave dont let your fears stop you. Life's too short to live it unhappy.

When you leave youll feel awful, youll grieve a little for the life you thought you had or would have. And in that time surround yourself with family and goos friends and ask them to help you through.

Youll get used to it and it will become second nature to you, itll just become normal to be the only adult at nignt. And you feel free and look back and realise feelinf awful at first was so worth it to feel the way you do now.

Nothing wrong with what you asked op.
I stayed longer than I should for fear of being a single parent. Wish I'd done it
sooner. I close my door to no arguments just peace. No upset stomach's stressing over the next argument. No walking on egg
shells. My son has two parents that love him in separate houses that no longer argue 90% of the time

I think you get used to being on your own, and there are and can be lots of pluses.

Or in some cases being alone after being in a bad marriage is a relief. It was for me.

I might not meet anyone else - this makes me sad sometimes but my relief at being divorced never goes away.

It's natural for it to feel scary OP.

I've never been married but had been with now ex DP for 6 years no kids but a dog and plans for the future, this time last year I was utterly miserable but too scared to end the relationship which looked along until March this year, when he moved out I felt overwhelming relief that despite how scary being alone was going to be it couldn't be much worse then what I was leaving behind.

Money worried me, having to share ddog until my ex got bored of him worried me and then I worried about how I'd cope with ddog full time, I have a disability so worried how I'd cope on bad days, looking back I constantly worried but you know what? It was the best thing that could've happened life isn't always easy but now I can happily make my own decisions, don't have to accommodate things I don't want to and still do all the cleaning and cooking anyway!

I was really lucky in that when we had tired to buy a house he couldn't get approved on the mortgage so I ended up buying it outright I've never been more thankful for that turn of fate, it's a scary time when you're just about to do it but you would survive it

My positive story is that this time last year I was devastated by my break up, had no idea how to get through the next hour let alone the next day or week. A few weeks ago I put my Christmas tree up by myself (had friends that could have been here but it just didnt work out logistical wise) as I was doing it I thought "am I sad doing this by myself" and I realised I was actually so much happier than that last miserable Christmas. I love my house, like not having someone else's moods and stuff everywhere. I am now seeing a really nice new chap and have real Hope's for my future. I hadn't realised how miserable I was . It will be scary and awful for a while but then you will be so FREE

I think when we're younger we tend to believe in love and romance and see "happy ever after" as a sign of successful life. Women often find out it's all a fairytale when they're worn out from doing everything and being taken for granted. Being single is so much better than being in a miserable relationship. I suspect you will cope far better than you imagine you will.

Being on your own at night takes practice if you haven't done it before. It might feel a bit scary to begin with but you'll soon settle down and sleep like a baby. I've lived on my own for 16 years of my adult life and have no problems sleeping but I was nervous when I first slept in a house on my own. I do take care with security, you can buy all sorts of door and window alarms and devices to prevent door handles being pushed down if you are really concerned or live somewhere with a higher crime rate. Worth remembering that people usually break in to steal not to harm so they would far rather you weren't at home when they do. I do not watch creepy films on my own. As a woman you are more at risk in your own home if you live with someone than if you live alone.

Op, I'm single with one ds. Life is good.

I can focus on ds, I can chose his school, help him with his homework, give him lots of attention without interference. We read, cycle and practice karate together. He is happy and secure. There are no rows, no atmospheres.

For me, I can eat what I like, monopolise the tv if I want, I can bumble around the house in my pjs, I have the bed to myself. no Jeremy Clarkson or sports commentary, no drunkenness. My bathroom stays as I left it.

There are lots of upsides. Just take one day at a time

You get used to it and even enjoy it.

YABU. Society tells us that being single is bad. It's not, I love it. I've been single for nearly 8 years. Your life is your own. No one else's feelings to consider, aside from your children if you have them. No compromising on anything.

@LittleRoundRobin your comments about finances just don't ring true to me. As I chose singledom at a young age I always saw it as my job to provide whatever I needed, not partly someone else's so worked to earn what I want to spend. I don't really understand the idea that anyone would choose to rely on someone else for money in this day and age. I know they do, I just don't understand it.

@LittleRoundRobin

As I said in another thread earlier, the dream/fantasy scenario that some mumsnetters come up with, of a middle aged woman leaving her husband and starting a wonderful new life, gaining a glittering new career on £75K, getting a lovely shiny new house, and acquiring a whole new bunch of friends, is just that: a dream and a fantasy. Never happens. Not for 99% of women anyway. The only time it happens regularly, is in novels. For the vast majority of women, there would just be loneliness and poverty.

Sorry for the derail but this is a stunningly pessimistic (and really quite unhelpful) comment.

a) This scenario literally happened to me (and has happened to others I know) so its just not correct that it never happens.
b) More to the point, its nuts to think you need to have a salary of £75K pa to be financially secure. And your assertion that single women live in "loneliness and poverty" is like something out of Charles Dickens.

If you were trying to scare the bejesus out of the OP you've probably done it. Problem is its complete nonsense. And for someone who is by her own admission trapped and lonely in her marriage its profoundly unhelpful to hear drivel like this.

FWIW leaving my marriage was without doubt the best thing that's ever happened to me. I am richer (my income has doubled since we split up even though I lost out financially in the split) happier, more free, have more friends, am doing better at work and my child is happier. Literally on every single metric of a good life it was a win.

I don't want to assume that this is the case for everyone and. But if you're looking for stories about life after divorce then I'm a walking case study. It's understandable that you're apprehensive of ending a marriage but if being scared of being single is what's behind this then truly you have nothing to fear. A happy single life is infinitely better than a miserable marriage.

I have to admit, and this is JMO, and just my thoughts and musings, I sometimes wonder how people cope when they're alone

Cope? Cope with what? Most people don’t live with frequent strife and angst to a degree that they need to live with someone else just to cope. (And if they do, I’d wager that the person they live with, ostensibly the person who helps them cope, is a significant cause of the strife).

I’ve lived alone since I was 21, by choice. I’m now 42. I love living alone. I’m not dependent on anyone and nobody is dependent on me. I am happy and content. My home is a haven of peace and tranquillity. My own company is something I enjoy and not something I dread or fear. There is absolutely nothing a relationship could offer me that would be worth it, in my opinion.

On finances, I found life was generally less expensive.

No keeping up with the neighbours, no expectations of huge meals, no expensive cars, no gambling or nasty surprises.

@LittleRoundRobin If you stay in an unhappy marriage because you can't afford to leave, you demean yourself. I earn minimum wage and I live by myself. Rather that than stay with a man for money.

Being single can be challenging and I did it all by myself. You do have to be quite tough.

Now even though I've got a bf I want to live on my own. I love the evenings on my own.

Another one here who managed to buy a house (in the SE) alone after leaving XH. I have so much more disposable income now because I don't have to worry about what shite someone else is wasting money on.

I also have a new career, which I went back to uni to train for after splitting.

I have the same friends I have had for years and years and we are very close. Go on holidays together, nights out etc.

I get to make all the decisions around finances/organisation/holidays/home/social arrangements and it's just bloody marvellous.

I am not sure if you have had a really awful experience Robin or if you are just making excuses as to why you cannot leave your own horrid marriage? Maybe you should start your own thread?

ive been single this year for the first ever, well since October 2020

i was in a 21 year relationship he was 17,i was 18 when we got together and were together for 5 years before our first son came along(planned if it makes a difference) so no getting pregnant quick or by accident and "had" to move fast.
we were each others first for both for everything.(even now at 41 hes the only person ive ever slept with)
we have 2 kids(not that's it relevant i suppose but both have complex needs that need 24/7 care)

he left us all(yes the kids as well)overnight for our best friend.it came out of nowhere and turned our life upside down as it was not expected at all.
we were happy no arguments no bad relationship etc
we went to bed(very rare as neither boys sleep)and when we got up he wasn't here and left a note saying im safe but ive left to move in with sarah(fake name)and we are getting engaged as of today and will be in contact at a later date

he then didnt answer his phone or contact me till a month later. (same with his parents they couldn't contact him either)ok i knew where she lived but its 30 mins away by car and i dont drive so i left him to it,i haven't spoken to her since

for the first time in my life i was alone ,forget being a single mother ive never been a single adult
i have 2 kids that need 24/7 care(we home educate so i dont get school "break")
so i had to adapt very quickly. i was still dealing with a confusing time as it was completely betrayal on both of their parts as i trusted her like a sister and to this day i had no idea.

he was a good dad and carer as we shared everything equally, him more i would say as he was our driver so this was so out of character as in all of 21 years we never had a problem. even in the early days

as the months went by i started to realise how great it was to be alone .he was never controlling or jealous and was one of the rare men that shared house work and child care equally,

but i realised how hard work he actually was emotionally. he was so needy and loud(he has mild asd like the kids)but as i never knew no different i just accepted him as who he was ,it took 21 years and a devastating betrayal for my eyes to open to how needy and loud he actually was

i will never forgive either of them for what they did to us(like i said she was our best friend who we spent daily with as she home educates as well) but even though at the time i was happy ive come to realise how hard work he was and since hes gone i can relax. im still not over it as i experience anger towards them everyday but i love being single now ,im still a 24/7 carer and home educator so i dont have "me" time but simple things make it so easier being alone

he got in contact in feb 21 asking to start to see the boys again.

oh and the amount of karma that have hit their house and them since feb is very satisfying

society has conditions everyone to think a male and female parent and happy kids is the perfect family and anything that's not that is not normal so peoples attitude(no offence but yours)think they need to stay in an unhappy place to "fit" in and not to upset the kids so adults are staying in an unhappy relationships and sometimes abusive just not to upset others around them and society and not wanted to be judged. If your happy being single and do not want a relationship and are not even seeking one society thinks thasts not normal and your weird. there are so many happy single people out there

you get rare people like me ,as in dont give a shit on societies rules or judgments and dont care what people think or judge me or
if you dont like it or approve its hard shit, jog on

@LittleRoundRobin That was me that said I bought a house by myself.

You've put 'herself' in capital letters as if that somehow proves I'm lying.

The fact is the mortgage had been paid off and I came away from the marriage with enough money to buy a house for myself and my children. Surely not that unusual.

I did that because my exh made it impossible for me to stay in the marital home, which I should have been able to do, so I took my half of the value of the house and bought something else smaller and in a cheaper area.

I was referring more to dealing with the 'ins and outs' of buying a house on my own than the actual financial aspect of it. So no I didn't buy the house with money I was earning at the time but from the sale of a home I'd contributed to.

I home that meets your approval.