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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal or AIBU - work thing

35 replies

Ceci03 · 22/12/2021 13:00

So my co-worker has been on maternity leave since this time last year, and is due back on 3rd Jan. My team leader has been talking to me about her starting back and all that kind of stuff. She did a whip round for the girl who covered her maternity, who is leaving tomorrow.
BUT, I know that my co-worker is not coming back, she told me she has cancer, and will be getting chemo in the new year. Massive shock, I was very upset to hear that, and have been texting her. Meanwhile, the girl covering has told me that the team leader has had contracts drawn up for her and asked her to stay on after xmas.
But team leader has said nothing to me - she doesn't know I know about the co-worker being sick, or the girl staying on.

Is that weird or AIBU
It's just me and co-worker, and then the team leader (who also manages another bigger team). There's a leaving do on zoom for co-worker tomorrow, and I've signed the card, and donated a tenner for her present. I just feel weird about it, that TL has said nothing to me...?
My co-worker has asked me a few times has the TL told me about her being ill yet.
The girl covering said she just said my co-worker wanted to extend hare maternity leave which is why she needs her to stay on...
I just think it's a bit weird. Or maybe I'm the weird one?

OP posts:
Dessicator · 22/12/2021 13:04

I would think your team leader can't discuss anything with you.

Original poster
Ceci03 · 22/12/2021 13:06

Not even to let me know the girl is staying on and the other one not coming back? (I understand the confidentiality around sickness)

OP posts:
Haus1234 · 22/12/2021 13:07

I would be surprised if the TL ever told you about the illness - it would be inappropriate. It is weird for them not to say “oh A has delayed their return and B will be staying on in X role” if that’s what’s happening in like 5 working days though.

Dessicator · 22/12/2021 13:10

Its odd they are having a leaving party , if she isn't leaving .

CorrBlimeyGG · 22/12/2021 13:10

In order to tell you that she is not coming back, she'd need to divulge personal data. It's easier to go along with the original story until January.

Fangdango · 22/12/2021 13:11

It's completely possible they're at a stage of negotiating a severance package / contract where they can't tell others yet. And possible maternity cover may have contract extended only briefly, while longer term arrangements are made. So going ahead with party makes sense. They probably can't tell you everything so are better off telling you nothing for now.

SickAndTiredAgain · 22/12/2021 13:15

I think it’s odd to collect money for a leaving present in this situation.
Something like “X might be extending her maternity leave a bit so Y will be staying on for the moment. We’ll have more details next year” seems reasonable. If I was Y I’d find a leaving party very odd if I knew I wasn’t leaving.

TractorAndHeadphones · 22/12/2021 13:23

But is the cover staying on - she has been asked to. Nowhere did you state that she said yes.

It would be very strange to have a leaving party for someone’s who’s categorically not leaving.

TractorAndHeadphones · 22/12/2021 13:26

Also maybe it’s just me but I find a leaving do for a fixed-term contractor strange. They haven’t been hired as permanent staff so them leaving isn’t a big deal it’s expected???

Original poster
Ceci03 · 22/12/2021 13:28

sorry meant to say colleague is happy to stay on - we had a convo about it yesterday. Although it means she won't get paid for the christmas break - she finishes tomorrow, and then they will restart her contract in 1st week of Jan so she was a bit disappointed about that.

OP posts:
Squeezita · 22/12/2021 13:29

It sounds like there are still processes to complete, so maybe they can’t tell you yet.

Will it affect you much? Either way you won’t be working with a new starter, but someone who has done the job previously?

SirensofTitan · 22/12/2021 13:30

I'm a little confused, you say the leaving do is for the co-worker - do you mean the colleague on maternity or the temp who you refer to as the girl?

Either way the manager is possibly in a very tricky position as she can't divulge any personal info

Original poster
Ceci03 · 22/12/2021 13:33

No I suppose it doesnt matter much, except we had started emailing everything to the one coming back from maternity, and had been transferring files and stuff like that.
My friend who was supposed to be coming back was very disappointed when she told TL on the phone, she said she was very 'cold'. She keeps asking me has she said anything yet. I think she wanted some kind of sign that she cared.

OP posts:
AyeOop · 22/12/2021 13:33

You have been the confidence of both, but you may not have all the information
Just go along with it, there's not much else you can do

Original poster
Ceci03 · 22/12/2021 13:34

sorry the leaving thing is for the woman who has been covering the maternity leave for a year. who was leaving tomorrow. but is now staying on. having been asked to stay on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceci03 · 22/12/2021 13:36

I think the TL takes confidentiality to an unrealistic level.

Like when my friend had her baby, this time last year, TL told me she was "not allowed" to tell anyone.

My friend kept asking me did people in work know she had her baby.

In the end I emailed everyone and told them about the baby etc.

OP posts:
ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 22/12/2021 13:37

Your friend - the one on mat leave - will be feeling very vulnerable at the moment. However she needs to understand that she has created a problem for her manager (the TL). Continue to provide a listening ear and support for your friend, and try to ensure she doesn't expect emotional support from her manager.

Original poster
Ceci03 · 22/12/2021 13:44

@ICouldHaveCheckedFirst

Your friend - the one on mat leave - will be feeling very vulnerable at the moment. However she needs to understand that she has created a problem for her manager (the TL). Continue to provide a listening ear and support for your friend, and try to ensure she doesn't expect emotional support from her manager.
Personally if I was a TL I would be more caring and supportive to my colleague. It's not a massive problem. January is one of the quietest months in our job. I could easily cover the work, and happy to do so (would give me more to do!). So it didnt cause TL a massive problem. Even if it did I don't think that should be put on my friend.
OP posts:
Giveaschitt · 22/12/2021 13:47

Why don't you just say to the TL that you know? If your colleague has told you, and your TL, and is asking you if your TL has told you yet, then she's not expecting you to keep it a secret, so why wouldn't you just say something to the TL? I'm guessing they're not saying anything because they feel its confidential, but if you let them know the colleague has already told you, then there's no need for them to keep it from you.

Shamoo · 22/12/2021 13:53

Very weird to be honest OP. Your leader should agree messaging with the colleague on Mat Leave and then confirm to the team. Very odd to have a leaving gift for somebody who is coming back in January! Could easily be managed without breaching any confidentiality.

But I also think you can say to team leader that you know from your two colleagues what is going on, and ask when they plan to confirm it to the wider team as currently people are wasting time handing back work to somebody who isnt coming back!

M0rT · 22/12/2021 14:03

That is so weird! I've had to take leave from work for cancer treatment and my manager asked me when and what people should be told. My confidence would have been kept had I wished it but you can't pretend someone is working when they aren't!
Like your colleague I was open about what was wrong and glad my colleagues were told as they were very sympathetic and supportive.
Your TL is going to give the impression to the wider group that your colleague is flaky by letting a leaving party happen for someone who is returning and encouraging people to get work ready to handover to someone they know won't be returning in January.
In your position I would ask your colleague if she wishes you to share her situation with the wider team.
Hopefully she is back in work after treatment and will be returning to a supportive and understanding team.

OnGoldenPond · 22/12/2021 14:18

It's about employer confidentiality. They can't officially tell any of you about your colleague's health issues so they have to carry on as if nothing has changed and her maternity cover is leaving as planned. The maternity cover will have had to be told something as they will have had to ask her to extend her contract but she won't be allowed to say anything. It does result in some bizarre situations but they have no choice until they have express permission from the person who is ill to disclose it to others.

I had emergency brain surgery at extremely short notice and two weeks off to recover. When I returned to the office everyone thought I had been on holiday as my line manager couldn't tell anyone where I was! Did get some lovely flowers from the directors while I was off though.

SparrowNest · 22/12/2021 14:20

@ICouldHaveCheckedFirst

Your friend - the one on mat leave - will be feeling very vulnerable at the moment. However she needs to understand that she has created a problem for her manager (the TL). Continue to provide a listening ear and support for your friend, and try to ensure she doesn't expect emotional support from her manager.
This is a bizarre response
TractorAndHeadphones · 22/12/2021 14:29

Surely if your friend has TOLD the TL that she’s ok with people knowing then it’s fine?

Why the huge secrecy?

HR policies are there to protect people but even then if permission has been given it can be disclosed. My small team is very close knit and it would be v strange for none of us to know

girlmom21 · 22/12/2021 14:33

TL probably doesn't really know what they can and can't say. It's a difficult situation.

Why don't you just say to your TL you know your friend isn't coming back and that maternity cover is staying for a little longer but what's happening long term?

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