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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas angst

29 replies

BareTrees2021 · 22/12/2021 11:08

GP with four adult DC, two married. Tried to be flexible and support the DC in having a good Christmases but has left me very upset as year after year we are squeezed in for a brief visit and it feels like being in a railway station. Both married DC have had their Christmas meal with their in laws every year for the last five and spend a chunk of Christmas with them. We have two empty seats at the table every year. Would just love one family Christmas - late lunch then opening presents and chilling out as a family enjoying time with the DGC as the other families have every year. Am happy to host or to go anywhere (we are all within an hours drive). Been a really bad year for me with deaths of close family members and I have no idea of how I am going to cope at Christmas when the other two DC expect a proper Christmas (they have no where else to go). They too would like to celebrate with their siblings.

Any suggestions - maybe not this year, but for the future. I hate Christmas but can't get away from it.

OP posts:
ALittleOldLadyTookInHerGoat · 22/12/2021 11:20

That sounds rubbish. Are the married DC sons? I notice that daughters and their families are the favoured option in many cases.

You mentioned you had a rubbish year. Are there are circumstances that the inlaws might be prioritised ?

Hadjab · 22/12/2021 11:22

You might want to start by actually saying this to your kids. Have the discussion, tell them their siblings miss them at Christmas, and so do you. If you don’t talk it out, how will they know?

Original poster
BareTrees2021 · 22/12/2021 11:30

Thanks. the two married DC's are both daughters. Has been mentioned to them but maybe not explicit enough. Posted here partly to check whether I am being reasonable or need to 'suck it up'. .

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 22/12/2021 11:32

Can you not arrange something for different days maybe Boxing Day?

alienbaby · 22/12/2021 11:34

They sound horrible

EmmasMum12 · 22/12/2021 11:37

Do your married daughters come to you for lunch at other times of the year?

DropYourSword · 22/12/2021 11:37

@alienbaby

They sound horrible
That’s a shitty thing to say.
Freddiefox · 22/12/2021 11:39

@alienbaby

They sound horrible
Why?
Pawprintpaper · 22/12/2021 11:41

Talk to them?

We were given the impression years ago by the in-laws that it was too much to have all of us and they’d prefer just to have the youngest sibs and grandma on Christmas (we wouldn’t have room to invite all the above people to ours) so we almost always see my family if we aren’t working Christmas.

I’d hate to think they’ve been crying on the inside about it for years and we didn’t know.

ANameChangeAgain · 22/12/2021 11:43

I'm sorry you've had a difficult year @BareTrees2021. The problem im guessing is that if you are an hour away, they don't want to be doing a two hour round trip with children on Christmas day. Can you have your big day on Boxing Day instead, and get everyone together? Assuming everyone gets on?

TheDrWillSeeYouNow · 22/12/2021 11:47

Have you tried inviting them or suggesting that you try to all get together on Christmas day next year? They might not know that you'd like that.

LagerthaofKattegat · 22/12/2021 11:51

Sounds like you have to get in first really and make plans earlier on. You’ve got to be really clear.

“DC this next Christmas I would absolutely love to have everyone over to ours. Can we please organise it. Come over before lunch and stay for Xmas lunch and a nice buffet tea “ etc etc.

HowBad · 22/12/2021 11:59

I think you need to make sure you've had a proper conversation with them about it. By the current situation happening for five years running it's set a trend, and it probably needs an explicit conversation about what you are hoping to do next Xmas as opposed to subtle hints.

It's also possible as you have other adult DC that your married DCs think you're fine as you've got a few people over already to keep you busy. Just be prepared that if the status quo is changing they may decide to stay home for Christmas and just visit for the afternoon or similar.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 22/12/2021 12:03

Have you ever explicitly invited them? Why not get in early next year before they make plans to go elsewhere. If you do invite them and they keep turning you down, then you need to ask them why they don't want to come on Christmas Day.

My mother always grumbles to me about my brother never visiting her on Christmas Day but she never actually invites him. Is he a bit crap in not actually realising she would like to see her GC on Christmas Day? Absolutely. But she's so bloody passive about it.

Original poster
BareTrees2021 · 22/12/2021 12:08

Have hosted large groups often and certainly when the DC were in their teens and they are always welcome - we have plenty of room. We do meet up regularly. We did not want to become those DGP's often mentioned on Mumsnet who are very difficult to deal with due to being firm with their DC - I expect the other families are tougher. Will be getting in early for next year. There are no issues re travelling - all five families are within an hour and they travel similar distances to the other families for Christmas. To be honest, if they spent the time at home with their own families then I could accept that much more easily.

OP posts:
Hillarious · 22/12/2021 12:10

We've only spent one Christmas Day with the grandparents at their house since the children were born, but make the effort to spend at least one day with them over the Christmas period. When the children were little, we were concerned Father Christmas might not find them on Christmas morning if they weren't at home!

If our parents specifically wanted us with them on Christmas Day, I would expect them to be forthright with an invitation.

Merryoldgoat · 22/12/2021 12:18

Have you said ‘Sarah - do you think you Peter and the kids could spend Christmas day with us this year? I’d love to have a big but low pressure family Christmas with you all.’

HowBad · 22/12/2021 12:22

What @Merryoldgoat says, but I'd say 'would you like' not 'could you'

Ziggerty · 22/12/2021 12:26

You definitely need to get in early. Issue them with a clear invitation around June time - "we would love to invite you to spend Christmas day and boxing day with us this year"

EventOfTheSeason · 22/12/2021 12:28

I think you just need to get in early and be clear what you'd like. You sound a bit like my mum, she likes to let us live our lives and not be a bother (she could never be) and has her own very busy life but it can sometimes leave my sister and I a bit unsure about what she would like from us.

TheXmasSkyRemote · 22/12/2021 12:28

Have you explicitly asked them or told them it's an issue? You cant expect them to be mind readers.

I don't see my DP on Christmas day. I don't visit the in laws either though. I do always say to my mum that we plan to stay home and she never objects. If she specifically asked us to go, then I would.

Original poster
BareTrees2021 · 22/12/2021 12:41

We had a discussion about Christmas when the DC.s married and we agreed not to have Christmas meal but one on another day and a chance to eat something together on Christmas Day . We tried it but the Christmas meal was too far from Christmas and could not get a time when we were all together to eat something on the day.. We did invite on Christmas Eve a couple of years later but that was not convenient to them - we were flexible on time. Boxing Day does not work for other DC's.

I will try again but am really upset that they have not realised that I could do with support this particular year. They offered it at the time of bereavement and are normally super DC as are their spouses. We are very lucky there.

OP posts:
MrzClaus · 22/12/2021 12:44

Without sounding insensitive - do you actually have a good relationship with them? Or is there past relationship quibbles that could be informing the current situation?

Crimblecrumble1990 · 22/12/2021 12:53

Are your DC’s partners only children? I tend to go to my in laws for Xmas because my brother always goes to my parents (my SIL does not have family in the UK).

My partner’s parents sometimes end up on their own (DH has a brother that wouldn’t even consider this fact and goes to his in laws) but I always feel glad that my parents have my brother. It hadn’t occurred to me they might feel sad that I am not there too.

EmmasMum12 · 22/12/2021 13:02

Have you told your daughters that you continue to need support? Very few of us are mind readers.

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