It's reasonable to spend just Christmas Day with in laws, right ?

[toiletbrushlover]

We've had our original plans cancelled potentially due to travel difficulties and will be staying home most probably.

The same happened last year.

Usually when in the UK we travel to in-laws house on Christmas Eve and stay until Boxing Day. This was due to the fact of having a little baby and living over an hour away and it was just easier. We were left no choice but to do that last year.

Now we've moved, so we are 10 mins from in laws, so it's absolutely not necessary to stay over.

So I suggested we just go on Christmas Day for lunch and that's it. I also want to start my own traditions with my own family.

The relationship is not the best, well, in fact, it entirely toxic. So the less time spent, the better I think.

They may get upset, but I think it's entirely normal ? If we lived near my parents we would also only go there or have them over for one of the days, rather than the entire period. It's just less stress that way.

What does everyone else do ? Do you have to spend both days with them ? Are we being rude ? I'm afraid it might kick off because of this.

Nope, that seems fine to me.

Stop borrowing trouble and remember you are a grown up now. Enjoy your new traditions ☺️

A short visit is enough!!
YOU are entitled to a nice Christmas.. Not waste it dutifully visiting toxic relatives!!

Ten minutes away? No earthly reason to stay over UNLESS you both want to drink and would rather. In fact at ten minutes away I'd be popping home for a break if I needed it even on a just one day visit.

Who's going to kick off, them or your DH?

The relationship is toxic. Who's insisting you go? DH or them?

Mine live in the same road and I find frequent excuses to nip back home when we have Xmas dinner there!
Not so easy now I no longer have a dog but I manage it somehow. 😉

I've said this year the in laws are welcome to come for lunch. That's it. No staying over, no long drawn out visits. They are invited for lunch/afternoon but when it's the children's bedtime they can head home. It's up to them if they are happy with that invitation (which they have accepted).

DH was angling for a longer visit but for the first time ever I've put my wishes first as I have a newborn baby and I'm not up for a lengthy visit.

@heldinadream

Ten minutes away? No earthly reason to stay over UNLESS you both want to drink and would rather. In fact at ten minutes away I'd be popping home for a break if I needed it even on a just one day visit.

Who's going to kick off, them or your DH?

Haha I'm pregnant, so I can't use that excuse.

DH is not kicking off thankfully. He thinks it's entirely reasonable. But I think it would completely kick off if we didn't go at all. So this is the compromise.

I think it is lovely to establish your own Christmas traditions - just as I did, and as my AC have done.

It is entirely reasonable for you just to pop in on the one day, or invite them over for lunch or whatever.

They may get upset, but I think it's entirely normal? I do not think that is entirely normal at all. Why might they get upset? Your idea is just fine.

They may get upset, but I think it's entirely normal

Entirely normal is for both sides of the family to put the interests of the DGC and their parents first. Let the DC's parents decide what works best for them and let everyone else fit in around them.

That's entirely normal.

Totally normal imo. We are doing similar. It's nice for kids to open their stockings at home in the morning and I don't want to have to cart along a load of stuff to stay overnight when actually it would be much simpler to just nip back home.

@Mischance

I think it is lovely to establish your own Christmas traditions - just as I did, and as my AC have done.

It is entirely reasonable for you just to pop in on the one day, or invite them over for lunch or whatever.

They may get upset, but I think it's entirely normal? I do not think that is entirely normal at all. Why might they get upset? Your idea is just fine.

Oh sorry, I meant it's entirely normal that we want to spend one of the days at home doing our own thing. I didn't express that very well !

Sounds fine. Christmas Day with them, Boxing Day at home. Lovely stuff.

When I was younger I would always spend the entire period with my parents and brother and then one year when he moved closer to my parents and had a girlfriend, they started spending Christmas Eve alone.

I was left with just my parents, but we all just accepted it as normal that they wanted to cook their own food and create their own traditions.

Now I think we should start doing the same here with our child/ children. Hopefully they'll understand and it won't ruin Christmas.

You don’t have a good relationship, so it’s not a given you see them on Xmas day at all! Your plans sound fine.

Totally normal to do your own thing. We never had extended family over at Christmas growing up so we're quite happy. We're also quite happy having my parents over for a few days as the DCs can still have their new stuff without trekking up and down the motorways too.
The sense of duty is probably the main driver of Christmas arguments - do your own thing. Pop over for a drink / presents for baby and then go home and relax

Totally normal to just go for dinner (or not at all!)

Changing the plans so near to Christmas could be rude though.

From a MILs point of view I would welcome my ACs & DGCs for a couple of hours and expect them to return home to carry on their own celebrations & make their own traditions even if they can't make the actual day I would never put up a fuss its their life and I would never interfere demanding they stay over !! thats why I bought a one bed bungalow so no one can stay.

@MsJaneAusten

Totally normal to just go for dinner (or not at all!)

Changing the plans so near to Christmas could be rude though.

We didn't have plans with them. Our plans were to go away. I would be happy not to see them at all. That would be my idea Christmas. But seeing as we are staying, we need to show our faces.

Based on my own experience, please do what you are planning

We started the tradition of staying at my parents Christmas Eve - Boxing Day when our sons were little. Now the eldest is 18 and I'm sad (and pissed off with myself) that we've not had one Christmas how we would like it.

Don't get me wrong, my parents are nice, but they are very set in their ways - no opening presents unless in day clothes, limited extra treats (biscuits/cakes etc). I would have liked christmases that were relaxed and fun, and now feel I've missed my chance with my own children.

The funny thing is, that we rarely spent Christmas with my grandparents! So it's not even as if we are carrying on that tradition.

I really wish now we'd implemented a alternate Christmas etc, but we didn't and now if we try and change we get guilt tripped

Oh man, in that case, no. Definitely not. Pop round for an hour after lunch. There’s no need to do more than that.

You don't need to show your faces but if you do want to it doesn't need to involve staying for dinner.
You could invite them to yours for a short visit either.

You are an adult, why should their desires trump yours? Why do you care about them kicking off, they don't care about your feelings from the sound of it, so why are you allowing their desire to matter more than yours.

It's entirely reasonable but you've left it a bit late to communicate it. I know my Mum and MIL would both be hacked off if the expectation was that we were staying and we said we weren't today/tomorrow - no matter how close we lived.

Beds would have already been made, towels cleaned and the excitement would have built - so it would feel much more like a crushing disappointment and anger that they went to all that effort. If you'd stated it at the time of the invite it would be fine.

But perhaps your in-laws left inviting you until the last minute?

Not saying you have to stay just consider how to manage the disappointment and brace yourself for it and if it comes understand that it is your fault - so you need to hold your hands up and say, I'm really sorry your disappointed, we left the decision late and should have communicated it sooner, I do apologies for that. Hopefully it amounts to only a grumble but you need to appreciate your lost your right to be indignant about a grumble. If that makes sense?

At the same time though, not the crime of the century! So don't let them string you out for it!

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Nope, that seems fine to me.

Stop borrowing trouble and remember you are a grown up now. Enjoy your new traditions ☺️

Borrowing trouble? That's hurting my head slightly. What do you mean?!

@Kinko

It's entirely reasonable but you've left it a bit late to communicate it. I know my Mum and MIL would both be hacked off if the expectation was that we were staying and we said we weren't today/tomorrow - no matter how close we lived.

Beds would have already been made, towels cleaned and the excitement would have built - so it would feel much more like a crushing disappointment and anger that they went to all that effort. If you'd stated it at the time of the invite it would be fine.

But perhaps your in-laws left inviting you until the last minute?

Not saying you have to stay just consider how to manage the disappointment and brace yourself for it and if it comes understand that it is your fault - so you need to hold your hands up and say, I'm really sorry your disappointed, we left the decision late and should have communicated it sooner, I do apologies for that. Hopefully it amounts to only a grumble but you need to appreciate your lost your right to be indignant about a grumble. If that makes sense?

At the same time though, not the crime of the century! So don't let them string you out for it!

This isn't what happened at all.

We were supposed to be going away - we can't, due to travel restrictions.

In laws weren't expecting to see us this year whatsoever.

Sorry if I didn't express myself clearly.

But yes, if the scenario you explain was actually happening, it would be pretty disappointing for us to just cancel at the last minute.

It's the opposite. They're getting to see us at the last minute. All I've said is, that now we live close by, we don't need to also be with them for three days and I would like to just see them for lunch on Christmas Day.

They're getting to see us at the last minute. All I've said is, that now we live close by, we don't need to also be with them for three days and I would like to just see them for lunch on Christmas Day.

But have they actually expressed they were expecting you to be there for 3 days? Surely they understand the difference between what you had to do when you lived further away and what's appropriate now you live round the corner?