Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DM - leaving no presents left for anyone else to get my DC

38 replies

Llamasally · 21/12/2021 23:43

Despite asking plenty in advance several times my DMs plans for our DCs presents - answers then duly communicated and accounted for with the wider family - DM has bought a load of additional toys, one of which was on the Santa list and I had already got. She now expects hers to be given and me to make an alternate plan, or bizarrely give two of the same thing. Obviously it’s all a bit late in the day.

I’m upset that I seem to be being manipulated into not getting my own child what I want to, and she is in a passive-aggressive mard about me trying to negotiate that I give my gift (she has already got one very big present and several others for this particular GC). She has form for going present crazy and had already got virtually everything on the list last time leaving few options for the other GPs…us his parents. Am I BU?? She does a lot to help us out which we really appreciate but this seems to be causing increasing family rifts.

OP posts:
Yuledo · 21/12/2021 23:47

Don’t negotiate. Tell her.

WorriedGiraffe · 21/12/2021 23:49

Don’t give her the full list? If she has form for doing it I don’t no why you would

ShaneTheThird · 21/12/2021 23:51

I don't understand why this is a problem. She got your kid gifts they wanted. Saves you money doesn't it? Why is it a competition?

Original poster
Llamasally · 21/12/2021 23:51

@WorriedGiraffe I thought that by giving a list it would at least guide things in the right direction so we don’t end up with mountains of plastic tat…and hopefully curb the going crazy by giving a finite number of options. Oh dear.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 21/12/2021 23:52

Agree - tell her no.

And don’t give details. Just say no.

beachygirl · 21/12/2021 23:53

If you indulge her, it will set a pattern. You need to tell her you have already bought this gift as agreed. It won't be easy and she will kick off, but you need to give your own gifts to your children. If she is really difficult, you may need to withdraw access at Xmas. And have an option prepared if she tries to back out of her 'helping' commitments. Good luck.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/12/2021 23:53

Agree the issue is giving everyone the same list. If you're buying DC something, don't put it on a list for other people. It's a problem of your own making.

Get your kids list. Pick your items. Give half the rest of the list to your mother and half out to other people.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 21/12/2021 23:54

Give her a list of 5 things or so.

Give others another list.

Leave what you want to get her off the lists.

Biscuitandacuppa · 21/12/2021 23:56

My dd writes a list, I divide the list up between family. No one but myself sees the full list, stops any duplications.

Original poster
Llamasally · 21/12/2021 23:57

I like your idea @WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain - but that backfired last year when she just got everything they’d ever liked ever, on and off list, so again there were slim picking left for anyone else! I tried to clearly agree this time exactly what she was getting and now this has been sprung on me

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 22/12/2021 00:00

Surely the Santa list was for you? Why did you give it out? Anyhow, it's happened now and you can learn. I love how it's causing a rift 🤣 You all should calm down.

saraclara · 22/12/2021 00:01

@SleepingStandingUp

Agree the issue is giving everyone the same list. If you're buying DC something, don't put it on a list for other people. It's a problem of your own making.

Get your kids list. Pick your items. Give half the rest of the list to your mother and half out to other people.

Yep. You brought this problem on yourself.

We always gave different suggestions to different people, to avoid duplications as misunderstandings. And now my DD s are adults, we still do the same thing with each other/partners/in laws.

But for this year, just say no. One of the things she'd bought is your Santa present and that comes first.

Remember it's annoying on both sides though. You gave her this list and she'd no reason to think that she was duplicating etc. And she's the one who spent time shopping for these things and now has the hassle of returning things. So do all of you a favour next time, and have separate lists.

Original poster
Llamasally · 22/12/2021 00:01

@beachygirl I honestly just can’t face it. I see your point completely (as does DH I think, he’s trying hard to remain polite) but I’m feeling awful just thinking about it. She would take it very badly and has really stepped in and gone significantly out of her way with some issues recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Llamasally · 22/12/2021 00:02

…to help us out I mean in ref to PP

OP posts:
WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 00:05

When is she did to give the gifts to your child? If on Xmas day, just give yours first before they come round.

Then, when it's duplicated, it's on her, not you to send back (as yours is already unpacked and played with)

OwlNChips · 22/12/2021 00:06

Sounds like a total drama over a crisis to me. You're lucky to have your mum and you're luckier that she goes above and beyond helping you out

Put it down to a quirk and next year just give her a potted list

Most of all, don't create something massive out of something so small. Is this really the hill you wish to die on?

tinytoucan · 22/12/2021 00:10

I’ve had this issue in the past with my mum. I eventually told her I was worried DS was starting not to appreciate what he is given just because of the sheer volume, and that his other grandparents buy less (a much more appropriate amount I think) and I didn’t want him to start comparing and asking why. She still buys more than agreed (always gets one or two things off-list) but it’s calmed down a lot, and because I know she buys extra I only give one suggestion from his list.

iheartredsquirrels · 22/12/2021 00:23

Can she keep some of the duplicate toys at her house for when the gc visit?

HugeAckmansWife · 22/12/2021 00:35

It's 100% about list management. I have 3 sets of GPS and ex and I are divorced. Kids write their list. I choose what I want, ask ex to do the same then divvy up the remainder between gp and aunt. I work out a few extra things like books or vouchers as every gp wants to give multiple gifts.

Original poster
Llamasally · 22/12/2021 06:36

Thanks @OwlNChips - I appreciate the reality check. I mustn’t make it into a drama or let it stress me out, as I suppose it really isn’t that important.

@tinytoucan you’ve articulated the whole thing much better than I - that’s exactly it and I’ll use that tip next year!

OP posts:
Summersnake · 22/12/2021 07:04

Kids don’t remember who bought them what …he’ll even I don’t as an adult .
Let her crack on
Take yours back ,refund and buy something nice for yourself x

NameChange30 · 22/12/2021 07:19

@SleepingStandingUp

Agree the issue is giving everyone the same list. If you're buying DC something, don't put it on a list for other people. It's a problem of your own making.

Get your kids list. Pick your items. Give half the rest of the list to your mother and half out to other people.

This
Hemingwayscatz · 22/12/2021 07:24

Not sure why she was given a full list including things you were already getting tbh. Best thing to do is send a list of things you know for a fact you won’t be buying and don’t ask anyone else for the same things…

Of course you shouldn’t now be negotiating with her though. Tell her she needs to return her items because you have already bought them and it’s silly giving DC duplicates. You’re in charge here, not her.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 22/12/2021 07:38

There are so many threads this year On here where people are effectively complaining about their children being bought gifts it’s so fucking spoilt

faithfulbird20 · 22/12/2021 07:42

Leave it why spoil Christmas. Tell her next year.