To be annoyed at DM - leaving no presents left for anyone else to get my DC

[Llamasally]

Despite asking plenty in advance several times my DMs plans for our DCs presents - answers then duly communicated and accounted for with the wider family - DM has bought a load of additional toys, one of which was on the Santa list and I had already got. She now expects hers to be given and me to make an alternate plan, or bizarrely give two of the same thing. Obviously it’s all a bit late in the day.

I’m upset that I seem to be being manipulated into not getting my own child what I want to, and she is in a passive-aggressive mard about me trying to negotiate that I give my gift (she has already got one very big present and several others for this particular GC). She has form for going present crazy and had already got virtually everything on the list last time leaving few options for the other GPs…us his parents. Am I BU?? She does a lot to help us out which we really appreciate but this seems to be causing increasing family rifts.

Although this might go against the grain, could you ask her to buy one specific, but expensive gift? My mum was a bit like this with my dc1 so we began to ask for items that were maybe a bit pricier than we could buy (bike/dolls house type things). She was always happy to do this but always said that as it was a big gift, she would only buy that one thing. It definitely meant that dc1 got things they wanted, but also left a lot of options on the lust for other family to choose from.

@Yuledo

Don’t negotiate. Tell her.

This. Is your child. Give your gift. Switch hers or give her a vouchers back to spend on child’s birthday.

People like this need firm boundaries.

Never give this woman your full list ever again. If she asks for present ideas, give her ONE idea.

When are her presents opened? Here we do our family gifts I'm the morning. Then other people's later in the day when they're visiting. So if hers are opened later then just leave her to it. They'll be excited for yours then less so when they open hers. Make sure they're polite and say thankyou like but maybe just hearing "we already have this one nan" will send her a message. You can take hers back after Christmas and they can choose something else.

She sounds really annoying.

Regarding the duplicate present, give yours as the planned Santa present. When DC opens hers then remove it so it doesn’t get damaged & either

• tell DC that they can take back to the shop with Gran & swap for another toy
• put it to one side & use it as a present for a birthday party (if not too expensive)
• give it to charity/local children’s ward

@Erictheavocado

Although this might go against the grain, could you ask her to buy one specific, but expensive gift? My mum was a bit like this with my dc1 so we began to ask for items that were maybe a bit pricier than we could buy (bike/dolls house type things). She was always happy to do this but always said that as it was a big gift, she would only buy that one thing. It definitely meant that dc1 got things they wanted, but also left a lot of options on the lust for other family to choose from.

This is what I do. I feel bad asking for more expensive stuff but otherwise family go absolutely crazy. It’s obviously lovely that they want to give things to our DC but honestly we have sooo many toys in the house already.

The kids will not give a toss who paid for the gifts. Just think of it as saving money. It’s not a bad problem to have really. I can see why you’re irked but it’s not worth falling out over.

From the OPs comments, I assume that she gave her the full list so that she knew not to buy gifts that other people would be getting.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

There are so many threads this year On here where people are effectively complaining about their children being bought gifts it’s so fucking spoilt

Don't forget the plastic tat comment! This one is ridiculous. OP gives family list of presents (grabby in itself) then moans when she buys one of them herself (d'oh) and discovers someone else has too What did she expect as she micromanages everybody's gift buying. Bonkers.

@CSJobseeker

Never give this woman your full list ever again. If she asks for present ideas, give her ONE idea.

Don't be so sensible!

Next year, tell her two gifts to get and don't give her a list. This year, give the gifts you have bought and ask her to return the duplicate gifts to the shop.

@PAFMO

My mother and mother in law buy a crazy amount of gifts. It’s great - I get to dramatically scale back my own purchasing and they get to spread out the gifts over a number of days as they can open the grandmother presents earlier, when they visit. Bliss. Duplicates can go to charity. Agree a list is v grabby. If asked for suggestions it’s fantastic I can suggest stuff I would otherwise need to buy eg a nice baby blanket but leave them to choose the style. I can’t imagine being anything other than grateful for someone loving my children enough to care about their presents.

I think I’ve been unclear or some are missing subsequent comments…

• there isn’t a list that has been given around the family, there is a list DCs made which I’ve used to give ideas when asked for by relatives. No one has seen or been given any description of ‘a list’. Last year I tried this to help GPs on both sides but it backfired as my DM basically bought the whole list, then DMiL was a bit put out

• I also asked DM (a notorious buyer of lots of gifts) what she was going to get, so that I could help give ideas for others and not have duplicates

• DM has in fact got extra presents on top of what she told me she had got, one of which is one of my main presents to DS already purchased and wrapped which was not mentioned until I said I’d got it for him in conversation

I see it’s not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but I feel upset that I’m being railroaded about my own gifts to my own kids and that DM is now in a huff about me trying to negotiate about it. I also then feel guilty for being annoyed at her as she’s helped us out a lot with a few practical things lately and really gone out of her way. But on the flip side I don’t think this should buy rights to ride roughshod over my wishes as their parent.