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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Our last name!

38 replies

advise101 · 21/12/2021 16:56

Before I start this I just want to say I don't know the full ins and outs of the past.

My dad was married before he met my mum, she left him but they had partially (I'm assuming) adopted a child together.

When they split my dad didn't see her much again then 5 years later had my sister and me then married our mum, she was never mentioned again until a few years back, my dad saw her a couple of times with my mum, iv never met her.

Now him and my mum are separated he messaged her on fb and his ex wife and he has seen them and is now playing happy family with the adopted daughter.

He has come round today and told me this woman would like his last name!

AIBU to be confused by this? He never bothered with her growing up, made contact then dumped her again and now made contact again and she asks for his name

Iv never had a great relationship with my dad. My sister always got more than me and was treated better, he's hardly made any effort to form a relationship with my children! I grew up with the man and feel abandoned by him why doesn't she?

OP posts:
Offmyfence · 21/12/2021 16:59

It's clear you've got a strained relationship with your dad, I think you need to have low contact. Nothing you can do about his adopted daughter, she will make her own mind up about him.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/12/2021 17:01

Feel sorry for her if she thinks your dad is worthy of giving her a name.

steff13 · 21/12/2021 17:07

Is it possible your dad had more of a relationship with her than you realize?

Sparklesocks · 21/12/2021 17:09

Your dad sounds like a shitty father and I’m sorry that you and your siblings didn’t have a better one growing up. But really it’s her choice if she wants to have his name, as confusing as it might be.

NeverEndingFireworks · 21/12/2021 17:13

It's complex for adopted children, they often have huge abandonment issues anyway, her situation is even more messy. I hope he doesn't mess with her head over this.

Original poster
advise101 · 21/12/2021 17:20

@steff13 No him and my mum didn't have secrets and my mum already had children from a previous marriage so I doubt she would have rejected the girl if he had asked to bring her round!

OP posts:
Original poster
advise101 · 21/12/2021 17:21

@NeverEndingFireworks Hopefully he doesn't drop her this time, he's bored now he's on his own so there's more hope I guess Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
advise101 · 21/12/2021 17:23

@TestingTestingWonTooFree I'm wondering how fast I can marry my partner so I can change my name Blush

OP posts:
VikingOnTheFridge · 21/12/2021 17:26

[quote advise101]@TestingTestingWonTooFree I'm wondering how fast I can marry my partner so I can change my name Blush[/quote]
Why wait? You can change your name any time you want.

As for your sister, who knows? People can sometimes behave pretty strangely over names.

JudgeRindersMinder · 21/12/2021 17:29

What do you mean by “partially adopted”?
I don’t think I can form an opinion without this info

UserBot · 21/12/2021 17:33

I agree that its sad she thinks he"s worthy of using his name. Unless its a v nice one.

If he adopted her then his name would be her name already

colourfulpuddles · 21/12/2021 17:38

Quite simply, what’s it got to do with you?

Original poster
advise101 · 21/12/2021 17:42

@JudgeRindersMinder From what he told me they split and she went to live with her biological grandparents, but I'm guessing his ex wife stayed in contact or went back for her? It can't have gone through court?

OP posts:
Original poster
advise101 · 21/12/2021 17:44

@colourfulpuddles Not much really other than the fact someone else will be walking round with my last name, also my partner said is it she wants it done through deed pole or does she actually want him to adopt her, then she's technically my sister? All very confusing.

OP posts:
colourfulpuddles · 21/12/2021 17:46

You don’t own your last name. Anyone can have the same last name as you; they don’t need to be related.

scottishnames · 21/12/2021 17:50

As others have said, anyone can change their last name any time they like.

You don't need to do it officially, but if you want to do that, this UK government website tells you how:
www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/12/2021 17:51

[quote advise101]@TestingTestingWonTooFree I'm wondering how fast I can marry my partner so I can change my name Blush[/quote]
Change your name anyway!,
I did...

JudgeRindersMinder · 21/12/2021 17:51

@advise101 thanks for explaining. As others have said you can use pretty much any name you like, but I can understand why it might feel a bit funny for you. Maybe she doesn’t feel she properly belongs anywhere and that’s where it comes from.
I’d try to feel more kindly towards her, doesn’t mean she has to enter your life though

VikingOnTheFridge · 21/12/2021 17:53

How old is she? I'm not sure it's possible to legally adopt someone 18 or over in the UK.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/12/2021 17:54

Also I dobt think there's any way an adult can be formally adopted... You can only 'adopt' children

happychristmasbum · 21/12/2021 18:00

I am not sure why this bothers you? You knew your DF had a partially? adopted daughter, it's not a shock. She could have had his last name all along.

Are you feeling jealous because you feel you have always played second fiddle to one sister and now it feels like you are third in line?

Try to turn it on it's head - think of it as gaining a sort of sister.

I have had very similar experiences - actually more shocking than yours, and have developed great relationships with my newly found siblings Xmas Grin

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 18:03

[quote advise101]@TestingTestingWonTooFree I'm wondering how fast I can marry my partner so I can change my name Blush[/quote]
You don’t have to wait. Change it yourself.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 18:05

Not much really other than the fact someone else will be walking round with my last name

Names don’t belong to people like legal property. It’s your name in that it’s what you are called but it isn’t yours to decide who can and can’t use it as well. She won’t be using your name, she will be using her own name.

Original poster
advise101 · 21/12/2021 18:21

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry but it is my name though isn't it. Just like it is everyone else's name that has it.

OP posts:
MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 21/12/2021 18:24

Yes, like I said, it’s your name in that it’s what you will be called, but it’s not your belonging. It will also be her name if she decides to make it her name. No one owns a name. You’ll just have the same name.