Our last name!

[advise101]

Before I start this I just want to say I don't know the full ins and outs of the past.

My dad was married before he met my mum, she left him but they had partially (I'm assuming) adopted a child together.

When they split my dad didn't see her much again then 5 years later had my sister and me then married our mum, she was never mentioned again until a few years back, my dad saw her a couple of times with my mum, iv never met her.

Now him and my mum are separated he messaged her on fb and his ex wife and he has seen them and is now playing happy family with the adopted daughter.

He has come round today and told me this woman would like his last name!

AIBU to be confused by this? He never bothered with her growing up, made contact then dumped her again and now made contact again and she asks for his name

Iv never had a great relationship with my dad. My sister always got more than me and was treated better, he's hardly made any effort to form a relationship with my children! I grew up with the man and feel abandoned by him why doesn't she?

someone else will be walking round with my last name

Well, you could change your name now and so could she.

He wasn't asking for your blessing, was he? That seems weird as it's not your decision what someone else is called.

I get why it's weird and why it's bringing up all sorts of emotions for you and your relationship with your dad, but it sounds like you don't know much about what else this person has been through.

It might be really important for her to do this for reasons that are less to do with your dad and more to do with untying herself from other family or with a general sense of belonging or having a fresh start.

Furthermore, no-one can ever truly know the relationship that two other people have with each other as they're outside it (just as she will never know or truly understand your own relationship with your dad, even if she's heard the general facts about it).

I would suggest trying to get some counselling or similar to work through the feelings that this has understandably brought up for you, as getting involved in the name issue is not going to help you and it isn't really anything you could reasonably expect to have a say in.

@happychristmasbum No I'm not jealous, id love to cut my dad out my life happily but my DD is a bit older now and knows him / gets excited when she does see him so I wouldn't do that also would make it hard on my sister!

@LonginesPrime sorry which part of my op did I say I should have an opinion or say in the matter? I'm confused why this grown woman wants the name of a man that practically abandoned her

It was the bit I quoted from your PP that made me ask whether he'd asked for your blessing - you naturally have strong feelings about it and I would too, I was just unsure as to the context of your dad having told you, plus the fact you'd said she'd told him she would like his last name, which suggested she was seeking permission/a blessing from someone and I wasn't sure whether your dad was including your opinion in his decision-making.

YANBU to be confused based on your own perspective, but only she can explain her actual reasons for wanting to change her name.

And she might not even have a rational explanation either, as it may well be an emotionally-driven thing, or to please her mum or anything. It might just be that she wants to feel closer to your dad and she feels this might help, or that she wants to legitimise her relationship with him as she might have grown up feeling that she didn't have any kind of official relationship with him after he left.

@LonginesPrime I just hope that if he is going to say yes go ahead then he continues the relationship, she has children and I would be really pissed at him if he let them down just as I would my own, I had it my whole childhood and its rubbish

[quote advise101]@LonginesPrime I just hope that if he is going to say yes go ahead then he continues the relationship, she has children and I would be really pissed at him if he let them down just as I would my own, I had it my whole childhood and its rubbish[/quote]
Him even saying yes or no is pretty problematic really, she's a grown woman entitled to call herself anything she likes regardless of his opinion. I'd be concerned about anything other than a response along those lines.

@VikingOnTheFridge exactly, if she feel's so strongly to want to change her name why hasn't she already done it? Not sure why she feel's she needed his blessing, his ex wife still uses the name so surely she would have done it to have the same name as the woman she saw as her mum?

I don't have anything against this woman, It's my dad I have the problem with, I hope she never has to see the true colours of him that I have, he's a very selfish person.

So which is it? You’re concerned for the welfare of this woman and her children, or you’re oddly defensive over someone having the same last name as you?

The relationship between this woman and your father is not really any of your concern.

Your dad sounds like an arsehole. I’m sorry he has put you through so much shit

[quote advise101]@TestingTestingWonTooFree I'm wondering how fast I can marry my partner so I can change my name [/quote]
If it bothers you that much use your mother’s maiden name.

I can see why you’re warey on her behalf, but I don’t think there’s anything you can do in this situation.

If you’re comfortable meeting her I would though.

There is no such thing as partial adoption. It is either an adoption with full parental responsibility or it is something else.

He’s been a shit dad to her. You don’t have to understand her reasoning for wanting his name!