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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent my youngest child's behaviour

47 replies

Nozy · 21/12/2021 14:07

I feel awful writing this and it's my first post so I am expecting to be bashed but after having 2 lovely children who are both placid and chilled who always do as they're told and are always happy and a joy to raise, 5 and 8 I then have my youngest (4 yo) who is such a handful both my husband and I are totally drained and feel we can't do as much with the older ones as we'd like as the youngest spoils everything on purpose and is difficult and very hard work.
She finds great pleasure in being deliberately awkward and is very strong willed and defiant.
She won't walk anywhere and insists on being carried or she sits on the floor and won't move, she won't do anything she is told at home and we literally can't take her anywhere even friends houses.
Her nursery says she is very well behaved there and they have no behaviour concerns so it sounds like it's just at home, there's less than 2 years between my youngest girls and they have exactly the same upbringing and yet her sister is good as gold and we have a lovely relationship as I do with my son but the youngest is making life so hard I don't enjoy parenting her like I do my other 2 who I have so much fun with but all I feel with my youngest is stress and frustration at her constant rebellion and my husband feels the same as our entire lives evolve around a battle of wills with the youngest.
I feel like we had the perfect family and now we can't go anywhere or do anything because she makes it such hard work. I do love her, I love them all but I wish she would work with me instead of fighting against us all the time.

She has another side to her where she is very loving and affectionate, has loads of character and loves cuddling up on the sofa and she can be funny and cheeky and has an adorable smile which melts our hearts but she's just so strong willed it's draining.
I guess I'm just hoping someone can give me some advice that worked for them as we've tried the "I understand you want to do this but... approach and naughty steps which she just refuses to sit on and taking privileges which she'll scream until she gets back, or scream and shout until she gets her way nothing seems to work.
I'm sure she doesn't have ADHD OR ASD I think she's just a strong willed determined little madam girl who isn't going to let her parents get in her way, but her parents are at their wits end.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/12/2021 14:14

She sounds like my Ds, now 7 nearly 8

He’s currently waiting to be assessed for adhd - I wouldn’t have thought of adhd st 4 though

fairycakes1234 · 21/12/2021 14:17

I think you were just lucky to have two easy going placid kids, my oldest is 14 and was a handful when he was younger, exactly like you described, when his sister came along we were expecting the same but we got the most mellow, easy going child....I know how you feel, i love both of them equally but the youngest is definately the easiest.

Peanutmnm · 21/12/2021 14:24

If it's not something like ADHD, then she must have some unmet needs. Along with probably a highly sensitive/reactive nature. Try different approaches. Does she get 1 on 1 time? Once a week I'd take her out for time just you and her. Her dad can do the same. When she's escalating, talk to her. Ask what's wrong. Don't go down the hole with her.

My dd2 was weirdly also the 'difficult one' after a very easy DS and DD1 with similar age gaps. She definitely has a different temperament and I have had patches of deep frustration and dread of dealing with her. But now at age 6 I get her a lot better. She thrives when listened to and treated respectfully. I don't mean indulge her negative, soul-sucking behaviours, but don't react negatively to it. Ignore the big reactions from her and just speak to her as if she is calm.

RNBrie · 21/12/2021 14:28

Please try not to resent her, she's only little and her behaviour isn't intentional... she's just not naturally as easy as your other two... and it's unfair to compare them, none of this is her fault.

She sounds a bit like my middle child, she's a dream at school, but really hard work at home. Having read up a lot on girls and ADHD I suspect she might have it - it can present totally differently in girls than boys and the average age for girls to be diagnosed is 13. They are very good at "masking" which is why school doesn't see any of the behaviour.

My dh struggles more with her than I do, I can get her to do what I want by making everything into a game - set a timer to get dressed, let's race to see who can put our shoes on fastest etc. Sometimes we have whole conversations using only the word "beep"...

My dh read understanding girls with adhd and its really helped him understand how her mind works and use different tactics.

She doesn't meet any of the criteria for assessment yet so we're just doing our best and keeping an eye on her.

She's also hilarious, creative and loving and I adore her....

Bonheurdupasse · 21/12/2021 14:28

Can you and DH "divide and conquer" - one of you take her (or do something with her at home), the other take the other two?

Summersnake · 21/12/2021 14:40

The explosive child ,Ross green
123 magic

CatsArePeople · 21/12/2021 14:42

It's a role-play. The "nice kid" in the family role has been already taken.

Original poster
Nozy · 21/12/2021 14:45

I hope she doesn't have ADHD as I have innatentive ADHD but I can't turn it on and off in different settings and at nursery she's very compliant and well behaved.
It was my first thought after another parent suggested it but after speaking with nursery they didn't think anything was wrong with her behaviour and said she knows exactly what's expected of her there and is a little helper and likes to takes the younger children under her wing.

OP posts:
AskItaliano · 21/12/2021 14:49

taking privileges which she'll scream until she gets back, or scream and shout until she gets her way

So when you take her privileges away and she screams enough you give them back to her? And when you try and implement boundaries she only has to scream and shout enough and you'll allow her to break them?

I would definitely recommend looking into parenting classes if you're able to, that's not a slight on you as a parent at all, clearly you're able to do an amazing job as your older two are testament to. But from what you've written it sounds like you're so exhausted you give into her and then teach her that in the future if she kicks up enough fuss she'll be able to get what she wants. Every child is different and every child needs a different approach but there are some basics that can be really helpful that maybe you haven't had the need to learn yet due to your older two being a bit easier.

lastqueenofscotland · 21/12/2021 14:52

@AskItaliano

taking privileges which she'll scream until she gets back, or scream and shout until she gets her way

So when you take her privileges away and she screams enough you give them back to her? And when you try and implement boundaries she only has to scream and shout enough and you'll allow her to break them?

I would definitely recommend looking into parenting classes if you're able to, that's not a slight on you as a parent at all, clearly you're able to do an amazing job as your older two are testament to. But from what you've written it sounds like you're so exhausted you give into her and then teach her that in the future if she kicks up enough fuss she'll be able to get what she wants. Every child is different and every child needs a different approach but there are some basics that can be really helpful that maybe you haven't had the need to learn yet due to your older two being a bit easier.

This is what I took from this. It sounds like she’s learnt if she kicks up enough of a fuss she’ll get her own way.
AskItaliano · 21/12/2021 14:54

Yes. A crucial part of parenting in general is understanding that as parents we are the ones to set boundaries, children can feel however they want to feel about it but they rely on us to be strong and secure and hold them.

There's some good info about this on the BigLittleFeelings instagram account OP. She's four, she might be loud when she's trying to push boundaries and get what she wants but you're the adults here, you're the ones in charge. You can parent her lovingly and compassionately while ensuring she knows that when you set a boundary you mean business. The more flaky and malleable you are the more she'll push and push and push as she's learned that if she tries hard enough she'll win.

LostForIdeas · 21/12/2021 14:55

If you do the same ober and ovre agian, you can't expect a different resuklt.

whatever way you are using to parent your first two dcs doesnt work for your 3rd. You need to change that.
I have two dcs I would have described as strong willed (and stubborn) but once i found the right way to deal with them, it wasn't iyswim.

I remember asking dc2 to tidy up toys at the end of the day. That he wouldnt be able to grt up and pay until he had done that. He didn't move for the next two hours (and then I had to let go as he neded to go to bed!). Trying to impose tiff like this just ended up with him digging his heels in and refusing to do anything at all.

Read 'How to talk to children', it made a huge difference to me (whereas punishment and rewards did f** all. Quite the opposite effect actually)

purpleme12 · 21/12/2021 14:56

I have a strong willed child
she's 8 now
sometimes it's very hard depends what she's like
but i find the way to do it with her is to almost not react
so don't give in but just wait til it passes, don't react (because if i raise my voice with her etc it just escalates her more) and be there to calm her down when she wants it

LostForIdeas · 21/12/2021 14:58

I I guess I'm just hoping someone can give me some advice that worked for them as we've tried the "I understand you want to do this but... approach and naughty steps which she just refuses to sit on and taking privileges which she'll scream until she gets back, or scream and shout until she gets her way nothing seems to work.

Punishments don't work.
Or rather they have never worked with my dcs.
You can establish boundaries wo punishments. It starts by knowing what is really important and what isn't and to know you will NOT let go for the important stuff.

LublinToDublin · 21/12/2021 15:01

@Nozy

I hope she doesn't have ADHD as I have innatentive ADHD but I can't turn it on and off in different settings and at nursery she's very compliant and well behaved. It was my first thought after another parent suggested it but after speaking with nursery they didn't think anything was wrong with her behaviour and said she knows exactly what's expected of her there and is a little helper and likes to takes the younger children under her wing.
I am absolutely not trying to diagnose your dd but it's important for people to understand that neurodiversity doesn't necessarily present the same in different environments. That may be uour experience (and the opinion of many educators and medical professionals) but especially in girls it can be very misleading
purpleme12 · 21/12/2021 15:02

@LostForIdeas

I I guess I'm just hoping someone can give me some advice that worked for them as we've tried the "I understand you want to do this but... approach and naughty steps which she just refuses to sit on and taking privileges which she'll scream until she gets back, or scream and shout until she gets her way nothing seems to work.

Punishments don't work.
Or rather they have never worked with my dcs.
You can establish boundaries wo punishments. It starts by knowing what is really important and what isn't and to know you will NOT let go for the important stuff.

Agree with this you've got to be in tune with your child My child finds it hard to control her anger sometimes i think which is why if i raise my voice in reponse she'll escalate it more so you've got to stay calm and almost wait for it to pass (but not give in) and be there
LublinToDublin · 21/12/2021 15:02

Look at "How to talk so kids will listen" and The explosive child by Ross Greene

saltandherbsandnothingnice · 21/12/2021 15:07

Sounds a bit like classic youngest child syndrome from the little i know. Feels powerless and excluded from more grown up stuff so trying to assert herself. And feeling the exasperation just increased the need to be strong willed to get what she needs I guess?

Sounds hard! Can you or DH put aside 10 mins a day of time where you do something just you two and give her full attention (rather than her tagging along with other stuff) and see if that helps ?

Good luck OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/12/2021 15:09

You've confirmed my theory that people with biddable children have three. And I bet you thought it was your excellent parenting.

Down to earth with a bump. Your third was my first! And only! My advice is to stop mourning the child you thought you'd have and embrace the child you've got. Stop seeing it as defiance and poor behaviour and see it as independence of spirit and a strong sense of self. I bet she's stoic and independent and adventurous.

Stop punishing and start doing the things you do with a child like this. Empathise a great deal. If she's screaming you say, "I know it's really frustrating and you're angry, I understand". Really feel her pain. But also say, "if you keep screaming though we can't [activity she likes]". Have a really positive story about her. Stop valuing compliance. Who wants compliance in people FGS? She's a bit tough now but she will be a force in her 20s and not take nonsense, something you really want especially in girls.

Good luck!

2bazookas · 21/12/2021 15:13

She won't walk anywhere and insists on being carried or she sits on the floor and won't move,

Take her to park/forest/ beach, somewhere away from traffic, and call her bluff. She refuses to walk/sits in mud; the rest of you walk on without looking back, without comment, out of sight.

purpleme12 · 21/12/2021 15:16

With regards to the not walking i once stayed with my child when she wanted to get the bus or a taxi back home and was having a tantrum because i wouldn't. at the back of the bus station. i stayed with her while she cried and cried and wouldn't walk for about an hour and cuddled her in the end when she'd got to that stage. but i can't just pay for a bus or a taxi when she wanted it got the message across i didn't get mad cos that wasn't what would work in that situation but i didn't give in and i just had to ride it out

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/12/2021 15:18

@2bazookas

She won't walk anywhere and insists on being carried or she sits on the floor and won't move,

Take her to park/forest/ beach, somewhere away from traffic, and call her bluff. She refuses to walk/sits in mud; the rest of you walk on without looking back, without comment, out of sight.

This absolutely wouldn't have worked on mine. Just to show different kids are different.
Original poster
Nozy · 21/12/2021 15:20

I do spend time alone with her, she's only at nursery until 1 so we spend 1 on 1 time until the school run but she's the same with or without the rest of the family.
I am softly spoken but always firm with boundaries but she plays up for grandparents too and my parents were very strict and no nonsense and can't win with her.

OP posts:
Allsorts1 · 21/12/2021 15:25

@MrsTerryPratchett I always love your comments Smile

AG1981 · 21/12/2021 15:25

Every child is different, but my eldest was (is) very hard work and as it turns out she has ASC and probable ADHD. She was our first as well so I spent most of her childhood blaming myself.

It wasn't us. Her younger sister is very compliant and well behaved.

However I agree that if it is SEN it will probably (not always) display in all settings. DD1's certainly did.