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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

<sigh> My Mother and Facebook

110 replies

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 21/12/2021 13:14

I'm being all calm and explanatory in real life, but honestly my DM just doesn't get the peripheral nature of Facebook. She seems to feel that someone posting things that she isn't interested in is the equivalent of someone constantly engaging her in conversation about a subject that she's not interested in and not shutting up. So she complains about other people's behaviour, like my cousin posts too many photos apparently. Hmm

I deliberately didn't add her as a FB friend. She sent me a friend request, which I accepted to keep the peace. The she complained that she was seeing too many posts that were nothing to do with her. I'm pretty active on various special interest FB groups so she was seeing things that I had put up about quilting or crochet or Strictly. So I restricted what she could see.

Then today one managed to slip through my restrictions and she phoned me in a huff to ask why I hadn't told her that I'd had a three-day stomach bug. Hmm I hadn't and told her so, so she asked why I was lying on FB. Hmm Eventually, after a lot of searching, it turned out that one of my FB friends had posted about not being sure a quilt would be finished in time because he'd had a stomach bug and I had commented underneath. So I explained that, but apparently it was definitely me that said it and not someone else and she's going to take a photo of it to prove it to me.

So I've double checked the exclusions and made them stronger. I'm thinking about unfriending her and claiming it was a FB glitch if she notices.

No advice needed (and I'm pretty sure that IANBU), I just feel better for having off-loaded that.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 21/12/2021 14:23

My mother in law will message up to tell us she likes the photo we shared on FB. If only there was an easier way to like a photo...

WhatsUpDrWhoChristmasSpecial · 21/12/2021 14:29

I've started sharing more on Facebook recently because I linked it to my Instagram account. My mum told me the other day that she didn't understand why I posted so much and is very confused why I post some of the things I do. She can't understand it.... She knows all about Facebook but just because she's confused it seems that I'm in the wrong... Argh.

Itsjustamoment · 21/12/2021 14:31

Ahhhh Mothers and Facebook. My own Mother shares every single post looking for lost dogs/kittens/donkeys from all over the world even if they were reported found in 2010.

SW1amp · 21/12/2021 14:31

Tell her that you are going to delete your FB account then block her…

She will think it’s deleted when she can’t find you

Lairymary · 21/12/2021 14:36

My parents think that suggested friends are "oh, so and so keeps asking to be my friend" I keep trying to explain..... but no.

Staggersaurus · 21/12/2021 14:37

Urgh you have my sympathies. My mum is such a liability on Facebook. She comments on posts in just a really weird way. The worst thing was she commented on a post that my cousin had randomly commented on that they were going away to x for 6 weeks and she was welcome to use the house as it would be empty Shock Thankfully I was on fb at the time and saw it straight away. She has now lost her password and has asked me to help her retrieve it. I’ve been a bit busy…

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 21/12/2021 14:37

There are plenty of people on MN who don't understand the basic concept either. They apparently don't realise that you can scroll down through all of the thread titles, read/engage in the ones that interest you and simply ignore (or even hide) the others.

There are loads where people come on to berate others for caring or showing any interest in something that they don't.

The thread after Sean Lock died was full of lovely memories, tributes and quotes in honour of him, but I clearly remember some sad-sack marring it with the fascinating update "Never heard of him".

I wonder if that kind of person also takes the time to write a massive huge long shopping list of every single thing they stock in Tesco that they don't want alongside the little list of the items they do want.

sonjadog · 21/12/2021 14:45

This is why I have refused to friend my Mother on Facebook.

Original poster
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 21/12/2021 14:58

To be fair, even quite a lot of people who understand the underlying premise of FB still miss a lot of the nuance. My cousin (the one who 'posts too many photos') used to share a lot of missing person posts. Eventually I explained to her, in real life not on FB, that if they aren't official police posts then there is a chance that they could be an abuser trying to find someone who is hiding from them. She genuinely thought she was being kind and helpful by sharing the posts.

OP posts:
Wexone · 21/12/2021 15:03

Oh you have my sympathies. Not too bad with both sets of parents, its my sister in law who is the problem. She will like every single thing we both put up, we have bets onto see who quickly she will like or comment on things. If we comment on other peoples post etc she will also like them and comment even though got nothing to do with her. She will also comment on the stories we put up sometimes a bit strange and inappropriate as my partner is her brother. She runs a local business and got on to my partner that i shared a competition on FB of what she deems competition to her business on my page and says i never share or like her business pages etc. So now i have blocked here as much as i can without directly defriending her ( as that will cause war). If someone can tell me how i can stop her seeing my stories it would be great.

woodlandarchitect · 21/12/2021 15:06

We have the same issue! My mum complains and comments about who didn’t “like” something she posted and how dare they ignore / snub her.

She was a member of some groups but frequently got offended.

She also gets upset if my Dad or In Laws “like” or “comment” about something grandchild related before she does.

It’s pathetic! Yesterday I had a phone call about how she’s going to delete everyone and her account again because she finds it too stressful. Then next week she’ll re add everyone or start a new Facebook profile.

It’s so embarrassing - especially as she seems to contact my in laws about things on FB too

Original poster
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 21/12/2021 15:08

On a computer there is a down triangle at the top right of the page. Click that, then 'settings and privacy', then 'privacy'.

There are lots of things in it that you can do, but for my Mum in the activity section I set 'Who can see your future posts?' and 'Who can see the people, Pages and lists you follow?' to 'Friends except for ...' and made her an exception.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 21/12/2021 15:16

Grin @Jacaranda75

Rather sadly my step grandma who is in early stages of dementia is on FB and has started occasionally posting rather random stuff and things that seem to have popped into her head and don't make much sense. Sad

Rainartist · 21/12/2021 15:17

I sympathize too my dm can be difficult too. What she doesn't seem to grasp is that people are allowed to post what they want on their wall as much as they like when they like and if she doesn't like it she should unfollow them Hmm

junebirthdaygirl · 21/12/2021 15:20

@Itsjustamoment

Ahhhh Mothers and Facebook. My own Mother shares every single post looking for lost dogs/kittens/donkeys from all over the world even if they were reported found in 2010.
Because so many mums do this it seems, my dc thank me regularly for not being on Facebook. They say their friends mom's are so embarrassing that they are relieved it's one less thing for them to worry about. I have no interest in it luckily.
St0rmTr00per · 21/12/2021 15:45

I have an elderly family member that does this, its highly annoying. She also doesn't understand that someone putting up a photo isn't them sending it directly to you. She happily tells people that "X sent me holiday pictures of the kids". Xs mum then gets pissed off because she didn't get sent any.

monotonousmum · 21/12/2021 16:10

My Mum isn't quite that annoying. But she does like to tell me what he fb friends have been saying - even when they are also my fb friends and I've told her I've already seen.

Beats hearing about her bus conversations I suppose.

Allsorts1 · 21/12/2021 16:11

My mum discovered YouTube and is now alt right - so it could be worse lol

BingBongToTheMoon · 21/12/2021 16:20

Are you my sister?
Also @HowRudeolfYou are you my sister too? My mum actively blocks people on the people you may know list because she doesn’t want them on her Facebook.

Anniegetyourgun · 21/12/2021 16:25

I annoy my family by not being on Facebook. If they want me to know what's going on they have to notify me separately - usually by email followed up with a text to tell me there is an email so I actually read it some time this month. I did try joining their small, select Facebook but it seems the whole world knows you're on there even if they can't see the actual photos. That "people you may know" function creeped me out, especially when it brought up people I actually did know but was trying to forget about. I closed the account, and the first thing I did when I got my current phone was delete the whole bleedin' app.

ChargingBuck · 21/12/2021 16:27

I'm being all calm and explanatory in real life

Grin Grin Grin

Evenstar · 21/12/2021 16:42

I spotted my cousin in her 70’s engaging with one of those creepy/fake/romance fraud profiles, “Hello dear your picture is beautiful will you accept my friend request” type of thing. I messaged her daughter immediately and thankfully she had spotted it too and talked her mother through blocking them and not adding people she doesn’t know. I think that is definitely something to keep an eye on, they seem to target the kind of pages she follows such as “Diana Queen of Our Hearts”

I have had older relatives who have strange ideas about how Facebook works, one of them thought you shouldn’t look at other people’s photo albums as it was private. We’ve been through the private messages on time lines too with another.

I agree with PP that when we get to 80 we may struggle too with some things.

Brogues · 21/12/2021 16:49

I posted a local police message because a local teenage/vulnerable girl was missing and it was very unusual for her not to have checked in with an adult. Phone call from my parents that evening asking how I know her, how did the search go, how many people turned up to search. Err I don’t know her but thought sharing her photo locally might help jig someone memory, I’d didn’t join the search because they wasn’t one. Yes I believe she was found quite quickly but no I don’t know any ins and outs because I don’t actually know her. They’d seemingly filling in all the blanks where there just wasn’t a story! They ought to try watching Eastenders rather than my rather dull and sporadic Facebook postings.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 21/12/2021 16:53

My mum doesn't understand social media and I don't have Facebook anymore but I have Instagram. I have an elderly relative who made an account just to stalk my photos and told my mum I 'post things for all the world to see' when in actual fact it's about 300 followers who see it and none of it is exciting. They also made snarky comments to my mum about certain photos and my mum then took it up with me.. 'why did you post that picture of you in the restaurant? It shows your cleavage..' That kind of thing. I'm 45 Confused

I had to put my account on private because it was doing my nut!

Trixiethewhore · 21/12/2021 16:58

@Itsjustamoment

Ahhhh Mothers and Facebook. My own Mother shares every single post looking for lost dogs/kittens/donkeys from all over the world even if they were reported found in 2010.

Same. She doesn't check the date or local in the world. It could be a cat missing from 3 years ago in Seattle. Just in case any of her friends might have seen it.

Mine also tags herself as "safe" in posts about various wildfires or storms in parts of America/Africa. She lives in Kent.