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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's inappropriate to be best friends with your line manager

57 replies

kiltia · 21/12/2021 08:15

When said line manager is responsible for your supervision, management and annual salary review?

(Public sector professional job, relatively high stress and risk involved.)

Said employee and line manager regularly take days of annual leave together and go out drinking, work from each other's house several days a week, lots of WhatsApp messaging regularly.

My concerns are lack of objectivity with regard to salary review, management and if for example a complaint came about the member of staff. Surely it shouldn't be literally a best friend managing these situations?

AIBU to say that the decent and professional thing would be for member of staff and/or line manager to suggest to the grandparent manager that staff member is line managed by one of the other two possible line managers?

OP posts:
hidetheicicles · 21/12/2021 08:19

Unless this is directly negatively impacting your own salary and progression, YABU.

KatherineJaneway · 21/12/2021 08:20

How do you believe this has impacted you?

QOD · 21/12/2021 08:21

One of my best and oldest friends was high up in my company but different area so no one I worked with knew her
She got a huge promotion after a company reshuffle and became CEO of the whole lot
I’m very very ordinary part time 😂
Oh peoples faces when they’d see us together …

Doubleraspberry · 21/12/2021 08:25

I’ve become close friends with several public sector line managers. I can genuinely hand on heart say it’s never led me to any professional advantage. Deeply mediocre career. All pay increases and new roles done in the usual public sector way. But it has meant enjoying the roles more than I might otherwise.

ANameChangeAgain · 21/12/2021 08:33

Friendships are fine. Affairs are the worst, which is why companies used to have rules on personal relationships for people in middle management positions. (Senior management and directors could fill their boots, of course)
At a place I once worked, I the deputy manager was having an affair with a member of staff. When the manager was out she and said staff member would "in a meeting" all day, unavailable to any other staff member who needed help. I think it resulted in her demotion.

Doorhandleghost · 21/12/2021 08:36

Were they friends before they worked together?

Public sector salary isn’t reviewed in the same way as it might in private, your LM doesn’t get to say who gets pay rises. It’s all done on set formulae.

If someone complained about the direct report, the LM should be bright enough to recuse themselves from it anyway.

However - If the shit hits the fan in any way, I think you’ll find the friendship quickly cools, I’ve seen this happen more than once.

Doubleraspberry · 21/12/2021 08:36

I came back to add that there is one example in my workplace of a very senior manager being close friends with someone else whose career has very clearly benefitted from it. The entire organisation is furious about it, it’s discredited the senior manger and undermined his authority, and led to people leaving. This is in a small organisation in which colleagues regularly get married, have lifelong friendships, holiday together etc. So I think when something is inappropriate it’s very obvious.

Aurorie11 · 21/12/2021 08:38

I was the new manager of a team (public sector), one of those I managed lived with one of the people managed. I was told couldn't do anything about it

Original poster
kiltia · 21/12/2021 08:43

Doesn't affect me at all, but I'm a nosy Parker and have lots of opinions Grin

Salary increase is at managers discretion based on if you've 'under performing/performing/good/excellent' (I'm paraphrasing) - very subjective as per line managers decision. Up to 7% pay increase if 'excellent' so not nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
kiltia · 21/12/2021 08:43

And became friends during the job.

OP posts:
Doubleraspberry · 21/12/2021 08:43

Our staff handbook says that line managers must not be in relationships with anyone they manage. I’m surprised you don’t have similar. Is it a very specialised function?

AlexaShutUp · 21/12/2021 08:46

One of my closest friends used to be someone I line managed. It wasn't ideal if I'm honest, but we were both professional about it and there was definitely no advantage to her. If anything, it was more a question of the pressure that it put in our friendship - there was one occasion when she wasn't happy with the review that I gave her, another when she wasn't happy that I hadn't shared some information and another when I didn't take her side in a conflict with another colleague. My view was that I had to be professional in work and put the friendship to one side. She respected that but sometimes found it difficult. It's much, much easier now that we don't work together, but the fact that we got through those challenges probably made our friendship stronger in the end. I don't think many of our colleagues even realised how close our friendship was.

MichelleScarn · 21/12/2021 08:48

@Aurorie11

I was the new manager of a team (public sector), one of those I managed lived with one of the people managed. I was told couldn't do anything about it
As in you expected them to not live together anymore?
AlexaShutUp · 21/12/2021 08:48

FWIW, I was also asked to line manage my DH for a short period, when I took over his department. Now that was bloody awful and I left pretty soon after!

Lux523 · 21/12/2021 08:49

You sound envious.
Personally I couldn't care less. Good friendships are hard to come by and they're both clearly performing at their jobs.

Also, it doesn't impact you at all so really you're just whining.

icedcoffees · 21/12/2021 08:50

@Doubleraspberry

Our staff handbook says that line managers must not be in relationships with anyone they manage. I’m surprised you don’t have similar. Is it a very specialised function?
They're not in a relationship, they're friends.

Even the most draconian workplaces can't control your friendships and who you socialise with in your free time!

Original poster
kiltia · 21/12/2021 08:51

@Lux523

You sound envious. Personally I couldn't care less. Good friendships are hard to come by and they're both clearly performing at their jobs.

Also, it doesn't impact you at all so really you're just whining.

Just bringing an ethical question to the group. Xmas Grin Have a great day!
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WorryMcGee · 21/12/2021 08:52

Romantic relationships are never a good idea, friendships on the other hand - I think it depends on the people and also the team you’re on. I’m very good friends with my line manager, we just get on brilliantly. If anything, I work harder because of it. It hasn’t stopped her giving me constructive feedback when necessary. Bonuses etc have to go through HR as well as her manager (not that I think she’s doing me favours!) We have a very small team and all get along very well, so I think that helps - perhaps if we didn’t, or someone was underperforming but didn’t realise they were, they might be upset by us being friends.

asfuckedascanbe1224 · 21/12/2021 08:52

You sound bitter and jealous

Original poster
kiltia · 21/12/2021 08:55

@asfuckedascanbe1224

You sound bitter and jealous
Maybe I am. Maybe several of us are because it created a feeling of inequality and non professionalism in our team. Do you have anything constructive to say about the situation or just here to be name call?
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Belledan1 · 21/12/2021 08:57

I am but we were on the same level when we first came friends. It is fine. We dont talk work and she does not treat me as her favourite. I was friendly with someone at an old work that got promoted and she really changed.i really helped her through mental illness.Hardly spoke to me after. Saw her in the lift once and told her she looked nice and she messaged me to say not to embarrass her again as some big boss was in the lift.

WellThatsATurnipForTheBooks · 21/12/2021 08:59

My jobshare is best friends with one of the people we manage.

I've never had a problem with it as they are both professional enough to make sure their friendship doesn't affect work.

I have to say though that some others that we manage do have a problem with it because they presume that my jobshare's friend has special treatment or knows about things going on that they don't (she doesn't).

audweb · 21/12/2021 08:59

I was best friends with my line manager before she became my line manager. But everyone knew that, and it’s not like we hid our friendship from those that appointed us.

Public sector as well - do you really get annual salary reviews? We just have a scale that we work to, my manager is nothing to do with that. I guess if there was a complaint there are other managers available if that was deemed necessary. You can’t help who you are friends with.

Lunificent · 21/12/2021 09:00

It depends on your context. My boss is a very close friend but I’m the only person at this level that she manages. We’ve had no issues yet. I did feel mildly uncomfortable when she had to deliver the news that I was being furloughed, but I got over it.

Original poster
kiltia · 21/12/2021 09:01

My grievance is that there are 2 other line managers who could relatively simply take over line management duties of this employee.

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