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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner messaged escorts

40 replies

Loumum2 · 20/12/2021 20:04

I hope this finds the right thread…

I'm in desperate need of advice/opinions? I have recently left my ex fiance we were due to be married next year we've a house and 2 small children. A few weeks ago I went through his phone and I found a number of his accounts on escorts websites and messages looking for prices and asking for availability on certain dates. A hotel booking on his booking. Com councided with a date he was looking to book an escort for. After I confronted him he said he never went through it with any of them and that its a turn on he did it for the thrill. I've had an sti check and I'm still waiting on results I have also cancelled the wedding. He is in my ear constantly pleading with me for forgiveness and he is completely down playing the whole thing and claiming he didn't cheat cause he never went through with any of it. I'm wondering if there's anyone who's been in a similar situation? I just find it so hard to believe any man would get a thrill from messages… there's nothing sexy about these messages they are business like and are of a transaction nature it is also worth noting he's had one account for 4 years. But he's making me question my reason. Does anyone know if men can do this and only going as far as messages? It won't change the outcome I will never be with him again but I hate that I don't know for sure.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 20/12/2021 20:08

So did he pay for the hotel room and do you know were he was that night? Men do bottle out of having sex, but that's irrelevant.

lastqueenofscotland · 20/12/2021 20:09

He’s cancelled because he’s been caught. I think you’ve done the right thing

Lolabray · 20/12/2021 20:11

Having been married to and left a man who was a cheat I think you have been rational in your decision making. How can you trust someone who does that. Also shoe on the other foot how would he feel?

It doesn’t make you want to jump into bed with him does it. I think actions like that make you lose interest in a person. Listen to your gut here.

fuckoffjournalists · 20/12/2021 20:12

Trust your judgement as hard as it is, he's probably not being honest and you'll never know. Sounds like he's just minimising.

TurquoiseDragon · 20/12/2021 20:17

I wouldn't trust him at all. Can't even trust he's telling the truth that he never went through with it. Even if you'd caught him before he did actually go ahead with it, that doesn't mean he wouldn't have gone ahead if you still didn't know about it all.

Returnoftheowl · 20/12/2021 20:20

@lastqueenofscotland

He’s cancelled because he’s been caught. I think you’ve done the right thing

Absolutely this. He got caught and now he's trying to back pedal.

NewYorkDiamond · 20/12/2021 20:28

It's a fairly standard excuse 'I just got a thrill out of texting' and pretty much never the truth, sorry OP. They will only ever admit what you have definite proof of and it's hugely unlikely he 'never went through with it'. For one thing if he's using booking sites he would be identified as a time waster after the first couple of times and blocked from booking. If you know his username on the booking site it's worth checking if he has any feedback or has posted reviews ( not envy), you might have to set up an account yourself to see his info and I know it would be grim but at least you would have seen with your own eyes what he is

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/12/2021 20:30

If you take him back rest assured he will do it again and years down the line you will have wasted your life and be full of regret.

Lolabray · 20/12/2021 20:30

Oh yes one thing I forgot to say is the emotional manipulation they may use to turn it round and blame you . My ex used to say things like it’s all in your mind and the phone numbers on his phone bill were dialled by other men on nights out off his phone. This also didn’t explain used condom wrappers and STI cards I found years down the line by putting up with his lame excuses. I got out in the end but if I were you I’d be running in other direction away from him.

RobertsYourFathersBrother · 20/12/2021 20:34

You did the right thing. I was in literally the exact same situation (minus the engagement, thank goodness). Ex was texting prostitutes and booking hotels "for the thrill".... found out he was cheating every chance he got and following through. Even if your ex isn't following through now, he will eventually. Don't waste another moment. You deserve better.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2021 20:35

After I confronted him he said he never went through it with any of them and that its a turn on he did it for the thrill.

They literally all say this. And it's always a lie.

And even if it wasn't, he's getting his jollies wasting the time of prostituted women at their expense. He likes and finds exciting the idea of bought consent and wanks over it. Yuk.

tarasmalatarocks · 20/12/2021 20:41

I think as someone said above there are ‘some’ men who do get off just on ‘the idea they can’ rather than necessarily actually going ahead with sex with prostitutes or dates off Tinder etc — the fact though is once you know your partner actually gets off on even thinking about stuff like this, never mind doing it— I think it’s very difficult to ever feel the same about them again, regardless of how sorry they are or how much of a fantasy it was

DroopyClematis · 20/12/2021 20:44

Your trust is gone.
Do you really think that he can gain your trust again?

Think long and hard.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/12/2021 20:51

For me, what he did was already cheating and not good enough for me, even if he had no intention of following through with it. Irrelevant. Dump.

Original poster

Loumum2 · 20/12/2021 20:57

Its amazing how stepping away from the situation (him) and looking to the outside world for advice can actually reinstall your initial instincts and gut feelings. Really appreciate every one of your comments thank you. so now I know I'm not crazy he is just master manipulater.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2021 20:59

Come back and check any time!

Thwackit · 20/12/2021 23:23

I wouldn’t believe him. He went as far as booking and paying for a hotel. That’s a lot further than just enquiring about prices for a thrill. He’s clutching at the only straw he has left, which is that you have evidence of him doing everything but having sex, so his claim is that he did everything and then stopped at that point. Were there any enquiries made after the date he supposedly stopped taking it further?

sarah13xx · 20/12/2021 23:35

😞 hate to say but I’ve been there too. He didn’t have a hotel booking or anything and said it was a laugh at work. I was obviously suspicious to have been going through his messages in the first place but it was just a number and I clicked on it to see times being discussed, this was a few weeks later by the time I saw it. I got that horrible rushing feeling from my face down my whole body. I searched the number on Google and found the girls advert on an escort site. I threw him out and felt like my whole world had ended. I kept going back over and over the dates when this happened thinking while he was at work messaging this I was preparing for a huge bbq for all his friends that weekend. He did tell his friends I’d seen these messages etc so I do think it wasn’t just him at work but what an odd thing to do.

We eventually got back together and I could put my life on it that he hasn’t done anything like that again. We have a child and are getting married but I would still give everything for that not to have happened because it’s always deep in the back of my mind. It’s not what happened, it’s the fact the person I thought he was would never have done that and I’ll never get my head round the fact he did 🤔 I don’t mention it to him but I really want to slap him every time it comes to my mind for how much he hurt me 😂 I think it is some sort of weird thing with certain men that exploring that ‘idea’ without even doing anything is somehow enjoyable. I don’t get it at all. Im probably a fool for forgiving him, it was years ago and the life we have now is exactly as I hoped but just wish I could erase that bit so much ☹️

sarah13xx · 20/12/2021 23:39

@tarasmalatarocks

Yes! I think this is the way it is in the back of my mind still even though it was years ago

Bussinbussin · 20/12/2021 23:41

Not exactly the same but I've experienced a similar situation.

You'll probably never know for sure whether he cheated or not.

What you do know for sure, is that he sees women as objects whose purpose is to please him. You know he uses women. You know he sneaks around behind your back doing things he knows would hurt you. That's enough.

I'm so sorry

Felsham · 20/12/2021 23:41

My ex (thank the heavens) was a habitual user of prostitutes. I can very nearly guarantee that what you've gleaned if just the tip of the iceberg. The transactional nature tells you all you need to know, that's borne of experience in dealing with them. I know it's hard giving up a life, especially if it's comfortable, but get out. And professional prostitutes are the least of your worries with STIs, they're usually very careful. It's the ghastly arrangements your partner probably has with non-professionals on Seeking Arrangements et al. Good luck to you. It's a dreadful realisation.

sarah13xx · 20/12/2021 23:48

I think prostitutes/escorts are still this hidden industry people only refer to in a jokey sense. I bet it would be surprising to see the number of men who have messaged and/or visited one. Just everyday men who no one would suspect would do such a thing. The bit that got me was how unattractive the woman on the advert he messaged was. I’m not saying I’m god’s gift but I’d like to think I’m 10x more atttactive than that 😳 Not that I’d have been more pleased if she was beautiful but it was the fact she looked so dirty (in the actual unclean sense of the word 😂) and cheap, I just couldn’t work out what he was getting from this

Anordinarymum · 20/12/2021 23:53

Nah.. he's done it before and this time he got caught out. Your instincts are spot on

BurntO · 20/12/2021 23:57

@sarah13xx how exactly did you think that would come across? He was getting a power trip from having a financial hold over other women and their bodies.THATS dirty.

Slating sex workers for their appearance? That’s pretty dirty too.

sarah13xx · 21/12/2021 00:09

@BurntO jeez… should I be complimentary of her appearance? Or pretend I thought she looked lovely and somehow worthy of cheating on me for? Well I’m very sorry if she’s taken offence at my thoughts… honestly 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

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