This.
I went through this in September last year OP. We had not long been engaged (July).
Like you, I turned to mumsnet for advice, the shock of the discovery rocked me to my core. I am still recovering if I am honest, there are days it’s a struggle, but I know some time in the not so distant future I will look back and be glad I had enough self-worth and respect to close the door on that relationship. I moved into a new flat a month post discovery, and started a new job last month so I have had a lot going on to keep me busy.
Oh, and he said the exact same thing. He only ever messaged escorts for the “thrill”. He also paid for a sex party, but showed me the cancellation in the hope I’d believe him that he didn’t follow through with anything. To this day, I have no irrefutable proof he actually followed through, but regardless, the fact he even would consider using and degrading a woman for sexual services, is so upsetting. Someone I loved and trusted views women in that way. The fact he feels ‘entitled’ to sex, the whole male entitlement thing just gets my back up, and I honestly don’t think you would ever be able to calm that nagging feeling in the back of your mind about what he’s up to when you’re not around. It’s no way to live, and could possibly become a very toxic, unhealthy relationship. My ex also had a cocaine addiction (which he explained led him to the debauched perversions I found out about) and was drinking excessively. I know he was watching a lot of porn too which added to the unravelling mess that became my life - porn really is a huge problem in our society, and it’ll only get worse. The negative and destructive impact of porn on the mind and relationships really should be taught at secondary school as children as young as 11/12 are watching it now, it’s becoming more normalised, and they grow up desensitised from all the hardcore/rape/degrading scenes they’ve been exposed to in porn. Once older, they can develop an unhealthy Madonna/whore complex, expect degrading acts from their partners which only benefits them, and have no idea how to sexually pleasure a woman, since the majority of porn (I would take a stab and say 99% of it) is completely focused on male pleasure and enticing the male gaze. In more serious and extreme cases, it leads to increases in violent/aggressive sex with women in RL (because that’s what they’ve been getting off on whilst watching porn). The impact can be miles more serious and damaging than men being disappointing in bed and very sad to think about. Some may see this as an over the top reaction, as porn has quickly become so normalised as something ‘every man does’, but these days with it being so readily available, that’s very often where sexual perversions begin. You only have to look at recent studies to see the correlation between the vast and ever expanding availability of porn online to increasing reports of sexual violence among (very sadly) young people.
I decided that I deserved to be a focus and priority as much as I had prioritised him in the relationship, and staying with him to try and fix all the issues and his problems, it would only get worse. I can put myself first now, which is really nice, and don’t have him weighing me down anymore.
Please PM me if you want to talk, having been through such a similar situation recently I can really relate. I struggled as although my friends were amazing and supportive, none of them had been through anything like this before, and I felt really alone at time. I really hope you are doing okay and the best advice I can give you is please try and make sure you are eating, even if something small, smoothies and soups are good. I lost a stone in 3 weeks after the discovery, it’s an extremely traumatic experience to go through and you need to keep up your strength for the big decisions you need to make. Sending lots of love. X