To ask for help re adult Add at christmas...

[Nanoo1234]

We have adult dc and partners arrive today . They have not said how long they are staying, but have said that they will probably stay for new year.
One of the ways I manage the add is to
Cook alone.. easliy distracted by others.
Have very set routines. Otherwise house gets messey and chaotic v v fast.
Eg i clean and tidy kitchen each night.
Nothing is.left out at all.
I have a quiet ground8ng half hour / hour each am .
Last year i really really struggled with the visuals of having guests. For example despite.asking them , and despite their best intentions, i wd come down to cups out , crumbs . Also lap tops in living room .
Now i know that i have executive funtioning issues ,which is why i have these routines in place.
I also kmow that i need this due to.my own issues .i know that other people dont need to.live like this and I would like to ask.for tips.on survival of guests.
Is it reasonable.to.ask.them.to keep.v v tidy, ( know they will forget, i will hqve tp.constant tidy n remind)
They need to be able relax too.
I also want to check out hoe to get space and is ot ok to hide away. ?
I wont be able to.do.my am.quiet routine .. all are teachers and get up.super early.
I spend part of last.night being v angry at.myself as my friend said how lucky 8 am.to.have the lovely visitors ,whilst.right now, all 8 feel is anxous ,trapped and anxiety at the thought of visitors, who i love v much , being.here for poss 2 weeks.
The way i stay half sane id the stratagies i use! Its n0 good telling them.to.go home earlier.. they live far away and it would hurt feelings v much .
I feel.ashamed I feel.this way. . And def bu.
Any wise words please.

This happens every year. Dc love to see each other.
Last time i was so tense i had to act and even then people could tell . I felt terrible and want to be different.
They want to go out every day , cook huge brunches, it is full on for me .

I want to explain that i need time out but not to hurt anyone ,or make feel.unwelcome in anyway. Am struggle how to kindly explain and hit the right note!!!

That must be so difficult having your space and time taken over for 2 weeks. i personally would say this is a normal reaction and not due to any other anxiety issues as most of us would struggle with this. i am glad when my guests leave at the end of the night!!!

Maybe try having a word and just explain you find it difficult as much as you love them so please respect your wishes as they are not children anymore.

Good luck and just keep saying to yourself that your reactions are normal and you dont need guilt yourself on top of it x

They're taking the piss! I wouldn't be able to cope with not knowing when they're leaving.

2 weeks!!!!

Fuck that shit.

Two weeks is far too long. Three days for visitors max. I think you need to be really honest with them, and tell them that although you love them very much, you need your own space so would like them to go home the day after Boxing Day.

And next year, have the conversation well in advance and make it clear they're welcome to arrive Christmas Eve and stay til 27th. It's fine to have boundaries, even with your own kids.

Thank you. Its just iv been told am lucky to have them here. Felt like all families are happy t9 have a full household and its what christmas is about.
They are say8ng will be here from today till earlly new year if thats ok . I can hardly say no.i cant find the words !!!! I do find it hard to say need space. They are people persons.
They say dont you want to come for a walk.. be with us.. esp as livefar away.. they want t9 squeeze the most out of time togther wereas if they go fott family walk id like the option to stat home

I do have t o tread kindly and with care. I want them to feel welcome. Also one dc not had a great time of late...is home to rest, and relaxation .

YANBU but it is odd you have never told your own DC that you sometimes need space to yourself?

My DC know this about me, so if I have to say "Sorry, I am not coming to for the beach walk and lunch, I need some down time. See you all back here this afternoon." they just accept it.

You have to put your Big Girls Pants on and tell them OP.

Wow. I’m NT (I think?!) and having people in my house for an unspecified period of time would drive me up the wall!! You are not being unreasonable at all. Ignore other people telling you how lucky you are, yes, it’s lovely to have the chance to see family, but everyone needs space.

Do you feel close enough just to tell them that you have add and so certain things are really hard to cope with so you hope they can cooperate and help you out? Hopefully most people would be sympathetic.

I do feel for you as my son has ADHD and we know full well Christmas Day will be a disaster by about 3pm with all of the extra hype and stimulation - I’ve deliberately made sure we are on our own that day, but everyone I’ve spoken to has understood.

I think you’re being too hard on yourself. My mil, who is actually a nice lady, but has ocd type issues with cleaning and probably some other mental health issues can’t cope with family in her house for more than a few hours. Pigs would fly before she had people to stay. We all accept this is the way she is. You need to explain your very valid feelings, you can’t expect people just to know if you won’t say.

Didiusfalco i will say i need space
Thanks all
However , i dont feel.ok sayimg " yoy can only stay a week" the response wd be but we are family etc .

Can you make a small oasis in your bedroom? Get an extra kettle, coffee machine, mini fridge etc and a comfy chair. Ask your mates if they can lend you stuff if you can't buy new. Books, magazines etc
Take yourself off to have those frequent respite breaks. No apology needed.
Get some hamper type boxes for them to chuck the laptops in.
Have u been recently diagnosed? I used to find it a stress when I didn't understand why I'd feel so discombobulated. Now I do I just kind of mentally hug myself, remind myself why I'm feeling like that and for some reason it helps.
Do they know about your diagnosis. Not kids anymore so you can treat them like adult guests. Remind them you find changes in routine tricky but you want them to feel welcome.
Put a calendar up. Plan out when you need kitchen access for the main meals and make it clear you need kitchen free then. Put up list of places doing fabulous local brunches etc.
You are lucky to have them. Doesn't make it easy though. Invite your friend if she hasn't got anyone to spend it with.

If they're your children, then you can tell them. They'll understand.

They can do some of the cooking too, I'd not be doing it for the full fortnight, that's for sure.

Its a recent diagnosis.. made utter sense of my life such as when got into trouble at school in top.set when I got either easy grade a s or grade e ( wen not intrested in subject... told my results did not reflect ability). Thank yiu all. My dc have always sewn my needs as ' odd' so ive not really asked for them to be met before as i was ashamed of them and felt i shoyld just try harder.

Pre diag.that is. I want to play to.my strenghts too !

I am so grateful to.you all. Like permission to make allowances without feeling guilt. I always felt i was unreasonable.

I would be very pond about what you need. Their generation is v open about mental health - so just tell them when you need peace / cooking alone / to retreat. Clear boundaries on when you need them not in the kitchen/sitting room. No need to feel ashamed at all. It will probably trigger discussions.

You can also reiterate re cleaning up - they aren’t kids. Can you give them clear and simple instructions - please bring cups to the sink, put laptops on the sideboard. But yes some messiness you will have to tolerate, can you build in an extra morning half hour of peace to do that?

I would however be quite firm about getting a leaving date. You can make up a reason. It would be different if just your kids, but with partner guests anyone would need an end in sight.

It's probably that partners that might be your biggest allies. You haven't got the child/mum relationship with them. They'll see you more as an adult and will respond to a fellow adult explaining a disability.
Have you told them about it.
Have you said how relieved you are to realise you're not a quirky mess but there's actually good reasons why you find some situations and scenarios difficult.
It might be quite emotional for you too just going through the Xmas traditions and being far more aware of how you're feeling.
My counsellor told me it's really important to notice how you're feeling. Sit with it and sort of name it. It helps. Not sure why but it does. Eg everyone has piled up the plates in the wrong place and not tidied the detritus etc as I would and I feel out of control, clammy, like crying, feel lost, feel anger for doing this to me, exasperated, off centre and I can't concentrate because of the mess. That was me this summer. You sort of end up giving yourself a mental hug. One side of your brain looking out for and validating the other side.

Thank you all. I will try to remember your suggestions. I am finding that am really off centre. People keep asking me things like what can we eat for v fast ( now list on fridge)
Asking what are we doing . House is full og presents.( small house)
I seem to have lost my thinkinf ability.
One of them left door open last night.
I am feeling really stressed as they keep.ask me if i am ok as.i have a face that shows everything.. despite my wish to hide ot n
Both for them and privacy reasons.
I keep hiding in the bedroom . I am v worried.that the e pectation of jolly c mas is real but that they cant relax because of me. I have meditated. I have cleaned. Wrote lists. I just feel completly out of.control tho and want my house back . Its day 3 and 10 to go .feel.ashamed !. I wish i was a person who can rhink and funtion alongside noise and people.

Just because they are your children doesn't mean you should host for two weeks.

If it's to much op it's perfectly acceptable to tell them your finding it overwhelming and maybe cut the visit short. Next year insist they host, and you can go to theirs and leave when it's getting to much and they can carry on the celebrations. They should be respectful of their mother.

I think you need to talk to them honestly and bravely about your diagnosis and what you struggle with. Remember to tell them lots that you love them and love their company too.

You are 100% within your rights to have a bolt hole you can go to and take time out as much as you need - your bedroom, a study maybe? The equivalent of a man disappearing down to the garden shed (although your totally allowed the garden shed if that's your preferred place). Tell everybody that this is all lovely, but that you need to have some quiet private time in balance too - so if you're in X room and the door is shut, nobody is to disturb you under any circumstances for any reason that is short of "mum the house is on fire".

Best of luck xxx

Thank you both.
I find i am.hiding . I have got over anx/ guilt.
Ive been honest.and told them.i need a lot of space. Dd says well.mum its chrustmas which makes me think i.am.fallimg short of hoe i shd be but that thought only compounds that i am.rubbish amd ley peoole down
Esp.b cause.when we are out i am.all.distracted .and happy.then wen i get.in the house it feels.too.intense.

Ive told them .they understand . I just know that they wish , as i do, i. Was different.
I feel.so sad. Its like 10.more days of what feels.like torturure/ huge huge mental efforr, but mostly guilt. It hard to.feel.8 am.not how all.want.me.to be. Dh has said i will ruin it and try ro.think of stratagies .he knows.i.will be feelimg guilt.
They canr really host.as they live in small one bed flats far away.

I'm at my boys' this year for a few days, but I'd normally host, with them staying over. I got my diagnosis a year ago too, and the kids know that I need time out. I've just been out for a walk on my own. I'll retreat into my phone or go off and read. I've told them that me doing this makes me more chilled in general.

They've also learned why I need calm and order in my house, and understand my routines.

You need to talk to your kids frankly. Tell them how your asd affects you and why you need calm and routine. You love seeing them, as long as your needs are adapted to. You've no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed, you're not wrong in how you are, you're just differently wired.

So your diagnosis is new. You need to get your head around what the diagnosis means for you. Then you need to sit down your adult children and explain it to them.

The problem with such a diagnosis later in life that you get it - but to them it is very odd... if they'd grown up with it would be easier.

We are going through this at the moment with (teen) DD. She has a lo gstanding diagnosis that no-one gets, but 2 more recent ones which are quite 'common'. However whilst everything is slotting into space for her and she can explain it to her tutor... trying to get it across to her dad or her grandmother has been very hard. Partly as one of them also has the same headline diagnosis but the impact is very different.

Good luck OP. I have a feeling you are going to need it over the next few days. Try to take the space you need as the last thing you want is for the kids to feel you don't want them around at all!