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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Given up hope

46 replies

Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:00

My partner has been promising that one day we will have kids. I thought we agreed that at a certain time we would start TTC. Even to the point that I came off my contraception and thought we were going to start but at the last minute he wanted extra time so we are using condoms. He keeps making excuses up. For example, we are renovating our house to sell so we can buy something bigger (that will most likely need renovating as we prefer older houses) and he keeps saying 'we'll try after we finish x job'.

I'm concerned that I'll keep hearing the same reasons to delay when we are in the new place and he'll never be ready. I have voiced my concerns and he says that wont happen but I feel like I am losing hope.

Everything has to be on his terms. He is controlling but not in a bad way (I know there isnt a good way). Its just because he loves me and its like he takes him longer to process things than most people.

We are in a comfortable situation financially. I am 30, he is 40. So I can't see what the issue is. Is he stringing me along? We've been together 13 years. I'm worried my biological clock is ticking.

I know he cant really want to have kids because he obsessively checks that the condom hasnt broken after sex and even stops to check that its still on during sex.

Has anyone been in this position? What would you do?

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 20/12/2021 11:08

So you got together when he was 27 and you were 17, barely an adult? And you say he is controlling? This doesn’t sound like a healthy dynamic at all and I would be thinking twice about having chi,dren with this man.

Mercurial123 · 20/12/2021 11:13

Give him an ultimatum and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't want children. You still have time to meet someone that does want a family.

Original poster
Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:14

@counsellortroi I know it sounds bad but honestly its not like that. It's like he's mentally a lot younger. I didnt see it at the time because I was only a kid myself. He's not predatory at all. But now I am 30 and its like I have surpassed him.

Yes he is controlling but I think its more to do with his mental ability to process day to day life than to control me.

He doesnt have any mental health issues but its like he just cant mature if that makes any sense at all.

OP posts:
Suzanne999 · 20/12/2021 11:14

“ Its just because he loves me and its like he takes him longer to process things than most people.”

No one is controlling because they love someone.
From what you’ve written I think there’s an underlying reason he doesn’t want children.

Original poster
Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:17

@mercurial123 I think thats the stage I have gotten to. Do I walk away or stay childless? I could walk away and still end up childless. Or I could walk away and have kids but be sad I left him? I just feel really sad and confused right now.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 20/12/2021 11:17

Grim. So at 27 years old, he targeted a 17yo child because they’re more likely to believe the bullshit that he’s only controlling because he loves them. Control is never a sign of love.

Cocomarine · 20/12/2021 11:19

Can’t mature? What does that actually mean?

Original poster
Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:19

@Suzanne999 he's not just like it with me. He is that way with everyone. Family, friends, work. It's like if things are going too fast for him then he can't process what's happening. So he 'controls' things so that they are slow enough for him to comprehend.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 20/12/2021 11:20

Are you sure that this man is the one that you want to have children with OP? I'm not saying he's a bad person but, if he cant adjust easily, can't mature, are you sure he's going to make a good father and life partner?

If you are certainly, then give him a deadline. But be aware that the possibility of him getting you pregnant then panicking/flaking out are high if he only agrees so that you dont leave.

Original poster
Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:21

@cocomarine I mean it's like he is mentally 20 years old and he's been that way since we've been together.

OP posts:
Suzanne999 · 20/12/2021 11:25

Do you think he may have Asperger’s?

Original poster
Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:26

@Porcupineintherough you make a good point. I'm not sure what life would be like trying to balance a baby and him. I think if we ever split up that no other woman could put up with him. He's a lovely person but extremely difficult to live with. But I do love him.

But then again, I only see myself in my own good light. I may never find anyone else either. For all I know, I could be just as bad to live with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:30

@Suzanne999 yes I have thought about that a lot. I have researched asperger's and keep wanting to him about it. He keeps telling me that in his own words he has a learning difficulty. He is a very intelligent man but there's something I can't quite understand about the way he thinks.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 20/12/2021 11:31

Having a child and parenting is one of the most out of control experiences you can have.

It is not going to go well with a man who can't deal with things going too fast and therefore needs to be in control. It's a recipe for disaster.

If you want children you should leave this relationship.

Ionlydomassiveones · 20/12/2021 11:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 20/12/2021 11:33

Uhm...

He’s not father material. Seriously.

Don’t do it. You’ll be doing everything, plus you’ll have a man child to look after.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 20/12/2021 11:34

Also think carefully about your potential child(ren) in this. They will not be happy and secure with a father who needs to control everything and is an immature boy-man.

Original poster
Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:37

@NuffSaidSam you are probably right. I expect that is why he keeps delaying it. Now I'm just stuck with the question, how badly do I want children? Enough to leave?

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 20/12/2021 11:37

He sounds awful and you don’t want someone like that as a parent to your children. I’d leave and find someone else. You’re still young.

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/12/2021 11:37

He’s not controlling because he loves you OP, wanting to control someone is not a sign of love.

Yes it sounds like he’s stringing you along on the baby front, but if he’s like a 20 year old and v difficult to live with - do you really want to have kids with him?? Babies and children will not be controlled - it may be that he realises this and doesn’t want them for this reason.

I would give yourself sixth months to consider if you get out and find a new partner.

How are your finances? Do you work and co-own the house?

Suzanne999 · 20/12/2021 11:38

[quote Newbie8365]@Suzanne999 yes I have thought about that a lot. I have researched asperger's and keep wanting to him about it. He keeps telling me that in his own words he has a learning difficulty. He is a very intelligent man but there's something I can't quite understand about the way he thinks.[/quote]
I’m no expert but it sounds to me he’s somewhere on the Autistic spectrum. But it could be other things of course.
I think you have to be honest with yourself and consider if he is able to be a good, committed father. 18 years is a long time if he is not able to be.
Would he visit his GP with you to get the ball rolling for an assessment? ( though there could be a long wait, ie months, even years, not weeks)

NdujaWannaDance · 20/12/2021 11:40

I he's not ready at 40 and owning a home then he's not ever going to be. He's terrified by the prospect but won't admit it because he doesn't want to lose you.

I don't often say this where pregnancies are concerned but he needs to be offered an ultimatum. He ditches the condoms or you withold sex and start making plans to move out.

That should give him a much needed moment of clarity about what it is he wants from life.

Original poster
Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:40

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule you right, I grew up with a very strict dad (he is acutally very similar to my DH) and it was horrible. I wouldnt want to put my kids through that. I never really thought about it that way before, I was so set on needing my family but you are right. Their life would be like mine is now.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 20/12/2021 11:42

Do not have a baby with this man.

He doesn't want to and he won't cope with it.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 20/12/2021 11:44

Sounds like his mental age is frozen at where you met him, aged 17. That will be why at aged 27 he was targeting a teenager. You have since grown and matured but he has not, and likely never will. One positive I will say about him is that at least he recognises this in himself which is why he knows he cannot have a child. You need to either accept that basically he is your child and the only one you will ever have. Or if you want more from life than that then you need to end the relationship.