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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Given up hope

46 replies

Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:00

My partner has been promising that one day we will have kids. I thought we agreed that at a certain time we would start TTC. Even to the point that I came off my contraception and thought we were going to start but at the last minute he wanted extra time so we are using condoms. He keeps making excuses up. For example, we are renovating our house to sell so we can buy something bigger (that will most likely need renovating as we prefer older houses) and he keeps saying 'we'll try after we finish x job'.

I'm concerned that I'll keep hearing the same reasons to delay when we are in the new place and he'll never be ready. I have voiced my concerns and he says that wont happen but I feel like I am losing hope.

Everything has to be on his terms. He is controlling but not in a bad way (I know there isnt a good way). Its just because he loves me and its like he takes him longer to process things than most people.

We are in a comfortable situation financially. I am 30, he is 40. So I can't see what the issue is. Is he stringing me along? We've been together 13 years. I'm worried my biological clock is ticking.

I know he cant really want to have kids because he obsessively checks that the condom hasnt broken after sex and even stops to check that its still on during sex.

Has anyone been in this position? What would you do?

OP posts:

Original poster

Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:47

@ndujawannadance I think you have hit the nail on the head. He doesnt want kids but doesnt want to lose me.

To be honest, reading through these comments is exactly what I needed. He wont be the best father material. He is very commited so I know he will always stick by me and he is very loving. However I dont think he would be able to cope with kids.

OP posts:

Toddlerteaplease · 20/12/2021 11:49

Having kids with him sounds like a recipe for disaster. I'd cut your losses and get out.

rainbowstardrops · 20/12/2021 11:53

Have you posted before about this OP? I remember reading something similar. Apologies if not.

I think it all boils down to how badly you want children and would you regret not having any?

I think if he's 40 and still not ready then he probably never will be!

Original poster

Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:53

@ohsugarhoneyicetea Yes it is like his mind has frozen at a certain point in time which was fine 10 years ago but now I want something more.

How can I leave him though? It would be like kicking a puppy.

Has anyone here ever given up a chance of being a parent because of their partner?

OP posts:

TimeIhadaSeasonalNameChange · 20/12/2021 11:53

Leave and have a child. You'll regret not at least trying for a child more than you'll regret leaving him.

Beautiful3 · 20/12/2021 11:55

Don't have a baby with this man, walk away. My work colleague was stuck in a similar relationship to you, he strung her along. We all told her to leave him. She left in her 30s and needed ivf, which failed twice. She is now in a loving relationship but childless. She still feels angry about it, she feels that he essentially stole her child bearing years.

ImmutableSexQueen · 20/12/2021 11:55

OP, run.
Asperger's doesn't make people into controlling bastards. What's the term for when they're stringing you along?
If he's 'extremely difficult to live with', he's not 'lovely'.
Open your eyes and start searching out your running shoes.
This is one case where not being currently pregnant is a blessing. So, watch out, because if he thinks you're trying to get away, you'll be up the duff before you know it. And you don't want to spend the rest of your life with this man, you really don't.

Original poster

Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 11:56

@rainbowstardrops no I havent posted about this before but it would be interesting to read someone's story who is in this position. I will have to have a look around for that thread.

Yeah I guess you are right, if he's not ready now then he never will be.

OP posts:

Akire · 20/12/2021 12:00

You are still young to wait awhile BUT not forever. Can he pin point the exact time when he will be ready? Is it just the bigger house and all building work? If an adult isn’t “ready” and mature enough at 40 then I don’t hold much hope they would be at 45 either. Women don’t have option of waiting till 50-55 to decide ok now it’s time.

You can agree wait another 3-5y then at that point you will walk away and give yourself time to met someone else. Plenty men sadly do this promising then never change their mind. Can you live without kids for this man?
After 13y together you think you would know by now if your partner is the one. Have you talked about marriage or is that not important to either of you? Read the relationship boards and you find long standing partners kept with promises and not readies then in 18m they upped left met love of their life, got married and had kids.

Original poster

Newbie8365 · 20/12/2021 12:09

@akire we have actually been married for 6 years and I do feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him. Yes he is difficult to live with but I have learnt to live with him.

Is he the perfect partner? No but is anyone perfect?

I think I might take back some control and give myself 6-12 months and really evaluate what I want from life. Go back on the pill and stop thinking about babies. Its hard because I feel like my life doesnt start until I have a baby which is really bad because I may never be able to even get pregnant.

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 20/12/2021 12:12

@ImmutableSexQueen Aspergers can totally make people controlling. It's a common anxiety response when they are getting overwhelmed.

CagneyNYPD1 · 20/12/2021 12:13

My advice is to finish the house renovation ASAP. Put the house on the market, sell it and split the profits. Leave and invest your half in your own place.

In the meantime, go back on your contraception because a mistake with a condom would be awful. He doesn't want children. It really is as simple as that and he should be more honest with you. Or tell him now that the relationship is over and you want to get everything done and dusted.

You have outgrown him. There is nothing wrong in that. You are only 30, plenty young enough to meet someone else who will be your equal.

If you stay with him, you will resent him more and more. He will become a burden to you. It is no surprise that at 27, he hooked up with a 17 year old. I've been there. 17 year olds tend to be less demanding, less enquiring of their oh so great older boyfriend. More tolerant and pliable. Until the day comes that the 17 year old girl is a fully fledged woman with her own needs and wants.

You have simply outgrown him and this relationship. It would be unfair on both of you to drag it out.

ImmutableSexQueen · 20/12/2021 17:24

[quote Porcupineintherough]@ImmutableSexQueen Aspergers can totally make people controlling. It's a common anxiety response when they are getting overwhelmed.[/quote]
How autistic are you? Show me your autistic credentials. I'm very autistic. My autism tops yours.
Asperger's doesn't make people into controlling bastards was what I said. 'Controlling bastards'. Not 'in need of control to ease their anxiety'.
Read carefully, in future.

IsabelHerna · 27/12/2021 12:33

My ex was postponing ttc for years too, and then after a huge fight he admitted he didn't really want children he was just waiting for me not to be able to have them (meaning menopause!). Now I am trying to become a single mum by choice, and my advice to you would be to firstly have a long open discussion about your future, and plan it. You need to put some boundaries and set timelines otherwise it's not a plan. So for example you can postpone ttc for 15 months but after that no matter what you're starting, or something that works for you.

Also, before starting this conversation, you have to decide your limits, what you want and what you can't live without. It's a difficult thing that you have to go through, hugs to you.

StFrancisdeCompostela · 27/12/2021 12:39

Men don’t control women because they love them. Men control women because they are abusive.

This man is stringing you along and wasting your youth. He’s never going to want kids. He just wants to keep you at bay with false promises until it’s too late.

You deserve so much better. Please ditch this arsehole and find it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/12/2021 12:41

@CagneyNYPD1

My advice is to finish the house renovation ASAP. Put the house on the market, sell it and split the profits. Leave and invest your half in your own place.

You have outgrown him. There is nothing wrong in that. You are only 30, plenty young enough to meet someone else who will be your equal.

You have simply outgrown him and this relationship. It would be unfair on both of you to drag it out.

Stellar advice right there ...

AuldFox · 27/12/2021 12:58

It’s absolutely fine not to want children. It’s not a sign of maturity to want to have children. If you want children more than being with him, please leave him. It’s not fair on either one of you to stay and resent each other.

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2021 13:04

You would be an absolute idiot to have children with him.

Seriously. It’s an idiotic idea.

Christmascakecakecheese · 27/12/2021 13:07

I agree with the pp who said you've outgrown him. You were very young when you met him, you're bound to have changed as person and your priorities have changed.

TheOccupier · 27/12/2021 13:26

Walk away. At 30 you have plenty of time to find someone who wants to marry you and have children. If this guy isn't ready to do that with you at 40yo after 13 years together, he never will be. Don't waste these precious years.

flipflop76 · 27/12/2021 13:38

He does sound like he might be on the spectrum OP.

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