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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you parent a quiet sensitive teenage boy

32 replies

Letshaveablackcelebration · 19/12/2021 23:36

My DS is nearly 14 and he’s a quiet sensitive emotional boy. He’s quite sociable but prefers 1-1 with people rather than large groups. He plays sport & does stuff with mates but when he is in gangs of boys he feels invisible and that really upsets him. He just can’t make his voice heard in large groups of noisy boys.

He’s also not hit puberty yet so is feeling very self conscious about being small and it’s really getting to him. He says he hates himself.

He’s genuinely lovely, doing well in school etc. And I say to him every day that it’s fine to be himself but like all teenagers he just wants to fit in.

I just try to teach him to be himself as he’s lovely but he’s so not comfortable in his own skin. He just feels invisible I think (even though he is well liked) because he’s not loud or sweary like his mates. He loves being at home but does to his credit push himself to get out there & see friends when I think he’d just rather be at home.

He gets so upset though. Aibu to ask- am
I doing the right thing? I worry so much but I really don’t want him to feel like he needs to perform and be someone else either. He’s just quiet and sensitive and I keep telling him that’s ok!!

OP posts:

PrincessNutella · 20/12/2021 00:35

These boys need a gentle place where they can become the good men they are meant to be.

bumbleymummy · 20/12/2021 00:46

It’s hard. One of ours was like this and did struggle during those years. All you can really do is just be there for them with a listening ear and plenty of hugs when they need them. Are there any friends in the group that are a bit quieter and could maybe be invited round to hang out on a more relaxed basis without do much boisterousness?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/12/2021 00:55

I have a boy like this. He'll be 13 in January.

I think you're doing the right thing. He sounds like a wonderful, lovely boy - he might feel out of place right now, but he won't always. It sounds like he needs a bit of confidence to really believe he is liked, as you say he has friends he's just not exactly like them.

I have no words of wisdom of how you do this though

caringcarer · 20/12/2021 01:20

My son is like this. He loves sports too. He was recently voted players player of the year at his cricket club and he simply could not believe it. The other boys all seem loud and are far more confidence, some with less ability too. He asked me why they voted for him. I told him the truth, you don't try to push yourself forward in batting order, you play for the team not for yourself, you don't get angry if someone drops an easy catch from your bowling and no one feels threatened by you. Ask a friend over on a 1-1 as he will provide feel more confident than with a large group.

Original poster

Letshaveablackcelebration · 20/12/2021 06:47

@bumbleymummy yes he does see some of them 1-1

He really takes everything to heart - it is frustrating sometimes aswell- he’s so lovely though! Puberty might help a bit as he’ll grow in height.

His teachers absolutely love him as he’s always polite and well behaved in class!

It’s hard sometimes tho- he does need a lot of extra emotional support and I worry I am not getting the balance right!

OP posts:

MmeSosostris · 20/12/2021 07:03

Chess club

EeeByeGummieBear · 20/12/2021 07:03

He sounds a bit like DS1. We give him space, let him know he's fine the way he is, don't push him to do things. He's 16. He has a good friend who is similar who he has spent a lot of time with 1:1 over the years.
I think the most important thing is to let him know he is fine the way he is, and doesn't need to change.
It sounds like you are doing a good job OP

GoodnightGrandma · 20/12/2021 07:07

Does he get any extra support at school ?
Speaking to the pastoral team might help, and if the school nurse has a drop in he can speak to them too.

bumbleymummy · 20/12/2021 07:08

@Letshaveablackcelebration Yes, puberty did help with the height although the hormones brought along a few problems of their own! It may be that they’re just starting to kick in which is why he’s a bit more over sensitive. It’s so hard when their self esteem is so low and they can’t see themselves how wonderful they are.

SomethingBeginningWithX · 20/12/2021 07:15

Would he be interested in scouts or something similar? That can be quite good for building confidence and is less of the macho boy talk but does down pretty cool stuff, orienteering etc.

He'll find his tribe eventually. I suspect pretty much every 14 year old feels a bit out of place in some way, it's par for the course. The loud sweary ones are like that because they're unsure how else to be as well.

You sound like a good mum and he sounds really nice. I have a boy (much younger) and I'm dreading this stage of him hopefully still being lovely, polite, studious etc but also trying to fit in. It's a tough stage. Plenty of time in small groups, and reassurance that he is brilliant, loved and this feeling is totally normal.

Frightmare · 20/12/2021 07:56

Perhaps discuss the concept of toxic masculinity and that domineering behaviour in groups isn’t the only way to be a man.

PartyPrawnRingGames · 20/12/2021 08:03

Maybe some counselling might help him? Even though it sounds like you have a good relationship sometimes it's easier to talk to someone independent.

enjoyingscience · 20/12/2021 08:07

He sounds absolutely lovely. It’s always worth reminding people, even though they usually don’t believe it, that everyone feels a bit unsure and scared. So even his loudest and most confident mates are secretly just as unsure as he is.

Would also recommend scouts - it’s fantastic for low key esteem building.

Itsnotdeep · 20/12/2021 08:09

I have a 13 year old like this too, but mine (luckily) isn't upset about it - he is comfortable and confident now. For a while though after lockdown ended he did get very anxious about going to school - the walk and breaks rather than the classes. I don't know what happened to change it though - we did talk about it at home, and he was aware that he was anxious.

He's got a couple of close friends at school and doesn't seem to need a huge group. He doesn't do sports, but doesn't seem to care.

Hopefully your DS will come to the same place soon OP. Mine's lovely - we bake together and chat and he makes me lovely cups of tea.

Itsnotdeep · 20/12/2021 08:11

oh I did speak to the teachers and senco at school about him though - I don't know what they did (if anything) apart from speak to him. Like yours, the teachers love my ds - he's a delight in class.

maddening · 20/12/2021 08:11

Can you look at speech and drama groups or coaching?

Also debating groups are good to learn some techniques.

gannett · 20/12/2021 08:15

I worry so much but I really don’t want him to feel like he needs to perform and be someone else either. He’s just quiet and sensitive and I keep telling him that’s ok!!

I think you're going about it in just the right way. Just being there for him and reassuring him without trying to fix him or make a big deal out of it.

All teenagers will be sad and hate themselves at some point, even the apparently confident and popular ones. Par for the course. It'll feel like he's not listening when you reassure him but he'll take it in and it'll be a bedrock of confidence he can draw on.

Being sensitive and emotional also means he's well on the way to being a good man, as long as his sense of being an outsider doesn't curdle into resentment, and you can be proud of yourself for that. I think a large proportion of the entitled male dickheads I've met in my adult life were the loud, boisterous boys at school.

notanothertakeaway · 20/12/2021 08:28

Does he have positive male role models who are quiet, calm & confident? That might help him to see that loud & brash isn't the only way to be

BradleyCooperwillbemine · 20/12/2021 08:42

My boy was just like this. We had many difficult years. We did a lot of the things mentioned here - joining groups, drama club, speech classes,
archery etc. At the time, I'm not sure how much they helped. He is now 18, still quiet, but quietly confident. He is working in a job he loves, his
colleagues seem to really like him and appreciate him, he has a group of mates and is just great. I worried so much about him when he was younger, but he has turned out just wonderful. So, it will pass and he will find his way.

Original poster

Letshaveablackcelebration · 20/12/2021 08:48

He has had counselling post lockdown as he got really low and it kind of helped. I also got him books like ‘you are awesome’ which I saw recommended on here and was great. I got him a big life journal last Xmas too which I dusted off the other day to try and help.

He is going to do D of E in school which I think will be a good thing as he has to volunteer somewhere so might help.

I just feel at times like it’s treading on eggshells too - he just doesn’t seem to believe the good stuff even when his teachers are saying it too!

Parenting teens is SO much harder isn’t it!!

OP posts:

WaltzForDebbie · 20/12/2021 09:39

Just came on to recommend cadets. My quiet son loves it because it's structured and he really enjoys it. He didn't like scouts because they weren't so strict so lots of the loud boys mess around constantly. Also it only goes up to age 14 round here.

It is harder for boys if they're quiet but sounds like he's got some good friends and a lovely Mum.

Newgirls · 20/12/2021 09:43

Does he enjoy theatre? Going to see plays is one of our favourite things. Would he enjoy drama classes? They are not all jazz hands kids.

Scouts is great.

littlepeas · 20/12/2021 09:46

My eldest is also like this - only telling me yesterday that he finds it hard in big groups. He is 13 and in year 8. He feels a bit lost and like he doesn't really have any proper friends. He is so kind, funny and intelligent - it makes me sad. My younger ds (10) is similar, but has managed to find a little group of likeminded mates who will luckily all move up to secondary together - nearly all of ds1's primary school friends went to a different school. No advice really - I wish I knew how to help him. My dh was also a quiet kid - he used to go home at lunchtime (not an option for ds) and I used to hide in the music room!

Fleemeister · 20/12/2021 09:54

how about encouraging interests that are done more naturally one to one - chess, tennis, badminton, snooker, golf? Maybe he will feel more validated if there are more opportunities for smaller group interactions in his life.

WaterAndTheWild · 20/12/2021 09:56

I was coming on to recommend cadets too.. I found it strange that DS likes it so much but I think, like a PP said, the strictness wrt behavour really appeals to him. He's also become a lot more practical which has helped his confidence, and at a very basic level they make him stand up straight which can't hurt!

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