To ask how you parent a quiet sensitive teenage boy

[Letshaveablackcelebration]

My DS is nearly 14 and he’s a quiet sensitive emotional boy. He’s quite sociable but prefers 1-1 with people rather than large groups. He plays sport & does stuff with mates but when he is in gangs of boys he feels invisible and that really upsets him. He just can’t make his voice heard in large groups of noisy boys.

He’s also not hit puberty yet so is feeling very self conscious about being small and it’s really getting to him. He says he hates himself.

He’s genuinely lovely, doing well in school etc. And I say to him every day that it’s fine to be himself but like all teenagers he just wants to fit in.

I just try to teach him to be himself as he’s lovely but he’s so not comfortable in his own skin. He just feels invisible I think (even though he is well liked) because he’s not loud or sweary like his mates. He loves being at home but does to his credit push himself to get out there & see friends when I think he’d just rather be at home.

He gets so upset though. Aibu to ask- am
I doing the right thing? I worry so much but I really don’t want him to feel like he needs to perform and be someone else either. He’s just quiet and sensitive and I keep telling him that’s ok!!

Does he do music lessons? Joining an orchestra etc is a great way to socialise without doing too much talking

would suggest cadets/explorers but check them out locally - air cadets was a lot less alpha/shouty than cadets but am kicking myself we didnt do explorers! as much more mixed and calmer round here...but ds wanted to try air cadets -however he is dyspraxic so marching always a challenge! he had been in scouts but wanted to try something different and liked the look sound of air cadets and they were really good... but just not for him....

I would say that for a teenage boy who's quiet because they're bookish or nerdy, D of E and Cadets might not be up their street. One of my best friends was a quiet, sensitive teenage boy whose parents put him through those and he really hated the rigidity/authority. Regimented military stuff turns out not to suit a gay, artistic boy, who'd have thought.

But in terms of interests and activities, the best advice is to let them follow their passions, whatever they are. People who are passionate about something, even if it's a niche thing that not many teenagers around them share, will find their community and lifelong friends when they grow up.

My nearest city has a load of gaming and board gaming cafes that seem to attract quieter people, both adults and children alike and some of them run weekly groups / tournaments that might appeal. The nature of the activity is that it is social whilst being quite quiet.

Air cadets really helped my friend as same age.

Sorry should explain aircadets was more focused on building model airplanes, learning about aircrafts - you do mini modules, some drill. It was really good

@Fleemeister

how about encouraging interests that are done more naturally one to one - chess, tennis, badminton, snooker, golf? Maybe he will feel more validated if there are more opportunities for smaller group interactions in his life.

I was going to suggest this, normalize the fact that not everyone thrives in big groups (I certainly don’t!) I have a similar child and encouraged 1-1 meet ups (going to local football matches etc) which helped solidify friendships with the kids they clicked with the most.