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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mumsnet cliches: LTB

43 replies

IdleMatilda · 19/12/2021 21:41

AIBU to think that LTB is NOT overused on this forum?

For many years, whenever there is a thread about MN cliches one of the first to come up is “LTB”

But the thing I find is that on most (all?) threads where LTB (or any other similar advice) is given, I find myself wholeheartedly agreeing - women (and in some cases men) putting up with undeniably shitty behaviour and needing to be told clearly that it’s normal and not acceptable and in some cases that leaving ASAP is really important.

I don’t think LTB is used too much at all. And I think it’s dangerous to suggest that it is - as I think it could deter some people in abusive relationships from posting as they may feel that any LTB response is just a usual MN over-the-top response.

Maybe I’m missing all the frivolous LTB’s that are supposed to be dished out, but I don’t think I am.

OP posts:
jcyclops · 19/12/2021 21:48

1st Poster: I had saved the last two Purple Quality Street to have with my coffee, only to find DH had them both whilst I was making the coffee.

2nd Poster: LTB

ShirleyPhallus · 19/12/2021 21:53

women putting up with undeniably shitty behaviour and needing to be told clearly that it’s normal and not acceptable and in some cases that leaving ASAP is really important.

I wholeheartedly disagree with this and think this “leave him NOW” urgent mentality is one of the worst things about MN. It’s very easy to look at a situation and tell people to LTB but these scenarios are rarely simple and often women either cannot leave right away or the situation is so difficult they don’t want to. MNers hounding them with “why haven’t you gone yet” is awful and unnecessary.

I’ve also seen lots of examples of slightly shit behaviour where yes the man is being a dick, but again, in many relationships at some point someone is a dick and you have to work through those issues without resorting to splitting up.

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 19/12/2021 21:53

LTB is used far too often on here, often without any real thought as to how the OP would manage in ‘real life’.

It’s very easy to say from behind a keyboard!

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 19/12/2021 21:54

@ShirleyPhallus exactly! Behaviour that isn’t great at all, but could be talked about and worked on.

Original poster
IdleMatilda · 19/12/2021 21:59

Ok - I obviously don’t read enough MN. I don’t see many examples like the ones you’ve mentioned but I know that means they don’t exists.

I guess if enough people tell the OP (in a real danger situation) the she should realise its not just MN overreacting.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 19/12/2021 21:59

I find that LTB IS trotted out far too often. There’s definitely many circumstances when it’s good advice. But it’s always just also advised for anyone who has a DH who is anything less than perfect, kind of forgetting people are people and no-one is perfect!

Sparklingbrook · 19/12/2021 22:00

I mainly see it said in jest but I have the Relationships topic hidden so would imagine it's said there every other thread, no worry about practicalities or finances presumably.

BiscuitLover3678 · 19/12/2021 22:00

I agree op. The stuff is always so shocking. Oh my dh had sex with me whilst I was asleep.
Ermmmm Confused

Yousexybugger · 19/12/2021 22:01

I see what you mean OP. Obviously we never have the full picture and unless it's abuse or similar then of course there may be other factors or complications that might mean on balance, the OP would prefer to find another solution to leaving. If OP says as much then I think the LTB chorus ceases to be helpful.

However, I think 'LTB' is useful input inasmuch as we only have the OP's posts to go on, and have to take these at face value. If they show unacceptable treatment then it is a valid point to say that leaving is an option, and a justifiable one. I know the logistics are often hard but 'LTB' comments may be useful to remind the OP that she is not stuck with someone who doesn't behave well towards her, even if he hasn't done anything completely evil. So many people (including me) have trouble with their boundaries.

FawnFrenchieMum · 19/12/2021 22:03

I think the problem is, when people come on here to vent, they only include the negatives, there has been many a situation in my marriage that being told the story in isolation would make either me or DH sound like a total dick and would be told the ltb. We’ve both done some shitty things over the years but over all are generally happy and want to make our marriage work.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/12/2021 22:09

As a rule I only see it as a joke or for super vile behaviour. When it’s just unpleasant I notice people write things like I wouldn’t live with that, or have a think about whether you want to live like this OP, which is not he same thing.

Chunkymenrock · 19/12/2021 22:09

I don't like the "I don't think I want to be with my partner any more" from a woman, which sees responses of "no one has to stay in a relationship they're unhappy in, have you discussed it with your partner..."etc.

If a man says that, it's "LTB/what a total bastard/it's the script/he's having an affair..." Sad

Neron · 19/12/2021 22:09

I disagree, I think it's said too much, and often by posters who proclaim they'd leave for less but wouldn't in reality.

There are genuine examples, but what happened to working through relationships. Sometimes mnetters get caught up in their man hated that they forget women are not infallible.

comfortablyfrumpy · 19/12/2021 22:16

@jcyclops

1st Poster: I had saved the last two Purple Quality Street to have with my coffee, only to find DH had them both whilst I was making the coffee.

2nd Poster: LTB

Well, I would be with the 2nd poster if it was the green triangles... Grin
Rogue1001 · 19/12/2021 22:19

I think it's massively overused.

There was one horrific thread some years ago where the op posted, cross cos her dh had commented on the attractiveness of an xfactor (or something) contestant and she thought it disrespectful

Anyway, encouraged by posters, she asked him to leave. It was crazy.

I'm afraid quite often when I read "LTB" I see behind it a bitter, lonely, wronged woman who can't stand to see anyone in a relationship. Sad but true.

Goldenbear · 19/12/2021 22:19

Yes, the example above sex in my sleep is rape so of course LTB and call the police but my husband is essentially a middle aged grumpy ...man, then I don't know about ltb. I know a few and nobody has left them but I also know grumpy women so often it is equal input of grumpiness.

Goldenbear · 19/12/2021 22:20

Not suggesting my DH is grumpy. Tbf he's sometimes a.d I am quite dramatic so we seem to suit each other

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2021 22:21

I absolutely and wholeheartedly agree op.

It's almost always used when an op describes yes one small detail of her life, but a detail where it's absolutely bleeding obvious to all of the more cough experienced women on here, that the small detail is a tiny part in a whole spectrum of shit behaviour.

And actually, it's heartbreaking for those us who just know that the op needs help and fast from a miserable shit relationship, to have our 'please ltb asap' minimised by women who are, probably younger and putting up with such shit behaviour themselves, but they just don't see it yet.

Yanbu at all.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2021 22:41

And...it's also used, correctly, when a poster is utterly miserable and it just hasn't seem to occur to her that leaving was an option.

Far far too many women tolerate such awful behaviour from the fathers of their children but they heroically plough on 'for the sake of the children'. Ltb, is again used really usefully in this scenario by divorced women who've been there, done that, divorced and then both them and their children are far far happier.
I use 'ltb' often because I want to spread the word to as many unhappily married women as possible that it's really ok to do so.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 19/12/2021 22:48

As someone who did LTB I wish people encouraging this would add a hint of reality. It's HARD guys, really really fucking hard.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 19/12/2021 22:58

I think too many people place too much value in being in a relationship and being single is stigmatized in so many social groups.

As a result, people set the bar for a partner far too low.

So, yes, LTB is often a reasonable response.

BritWifeInUSA · 19/12/2021 23:48

It’s definitely used too much. We only head one side of the argument and the internet and forums are no strangers to exaggerated stories. If someone reports that their husband is hitting them, abusing them and/or the children then it’s time to leave. No one should tolerate that. But it’s usually just poor communication and differing expectations of a marriage.

I’ve seen threads “I work full time, do all the cooking, cleaning and the old MN favorite “life admin”, and my husband just plays computer games all night after work. I asked him today to take the bins out and he said he was too tired”. And the LTB comments start. It’s not ideal behavior but hardly worth depriving your children of time with their father over. Good communication about your expectations and needs in a relationship would solve that.

Ionlydomassiveones · 19/12/2021 23:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

gofg · 20/12/2021 00:21

@BritWifeInUSA
@Ionlydomassiveones

Totally agree with both your comments.

FissionMailed · 20/12/2021 00:29

@DifficultBloodyWoman

I think too many people place too much value in being in a relationship and being single is stigmatized in so many social groups.

As a result, people set the bar for a partner far too low.

So, yes, LTB is often a reasonable response.

Agreed.

I'm not saying it's always easy to leave and it's not always safe to leave, but people need to realise when a relationship is done and they should leave.

You're here for 70 good years, if you're lucky. Don't spend 30 of them in misery if you don't absolutely have to.