Mumsnet cliches: LTB

[IdleMatilda]

AIBU to think that LTB is NOT overused on this forum?

For many years, whenever there is a thread about MN cliches one of the first to come up is “LTB”

But the thing I find is that on most (all?) threads where LTB (or any other similar advice) is given, I find myself wholeheartedly agreeing - women (and in some cases men) putting up with undeniably shitty behaviour and needing to be told clearly that it’s normal and not acceptable and in some cases that leaving ASAP is really important.

I don’t think LTB is used too much at all. And I think it’s dangerous to suggest that it is - as I think it could deter some people in abusive relationships from posting as they may feel that any LTB response is just a usual MN over-the-top response.

Maybe I’m missing all the frivolous LTB’s that are supposed to be dished out, but I don’t think I am.

I do think it's used too much yes, and I say that as someone who has certainly suggested leaving on more than one thread. However, as time goes on I do wonder what the hell makes me such a relationship expert - if the person knew my life story they'd have every right to question my ability to advise.

I have occasionally leapt in to respond first to a thread just to prevent the first response being 'he's abusive, ltb' because the first response sets the tone for the first two pages and I do think it's often a question of a woman having felt unable to assert herself rather than definitely living in an impossible relationship.

@ShirleyPhallus

women putting up with undeniably shitty behaviour and needing to be told clearly that it’s normal and not acceptable and in some cases that leaving ASAP is really important.

I wholeheartedly disagree with this and think this “leave him NOW” urgent mentality is one of the worst things about MN. It’s very easy to look at a situation and tell people to LTB but these scenarios are rarely simple and often women either cannot leave right away or the situation is so difficult they don’t want to. MNers hounding them with “why haven’t you gone yet” is awful and unnecessary.

I’ve also seen lots of examples of slightly shit behaviour where yes the man is being a dick, but again, in many relationships at some point someone is a dick and you have to work through those issues without resorting to splitting up.

I agree with Shirley on this.

Yes, in some situations it’s a very clear LTB but in others people seem to be making snap judgements about life changing decisions based on a small amount of information from one side of the argument. I think MN can be very supportive and helpful but I also think that some people can project their own personal experiences on to other people’s situations.

I have the Relationships topic hidden so would imagine it's said there every other thread, no worry about practicalities or finances presumably

It's not actually, so you are imagining completely incorrectly. In fact posters are excellent and supportive and have a vast wealth of information regarding the practicalities of ending a relationship.

I hope your 'imagined' misinformation doesn't put anyone off using the relationships board.

Not nearly as irritating as the great MN myth family money.

Whenever a poster feels the need to make a post about the male she picked for a boyfriend/married, it’s pretty much guaranteed to be a shitshow. And no need to keep fucking him. But apparently it’s unreasonable to not have a man, any man, living with you. So how can she chaaaange him? How can she stop her kids being abused by him? How dare you?! He’s amaaaazing…whenever he’s not traumatising a new generation.
Tedious beyond words.

I have never seen it used without justification.

Of course it's not easy to end a relationship, emotional, practically or financially. But I don't think staying in an obviously abusive relationship is easy either.

I totally agree with you OP.

There's a massive massive societal pressure on women to prioritise their relationship over almost everything else. It massively skews things in favour of controlling, abusive and neglectful men and makes it difficult for women to admit to themselves how badly they are being treated.

Nine times out of ten when a woman posts with concerns about her marriage or relationship she is if anything underplaying the situation.

And in the cases that she's not, its usually easy to call it out.

If anything I think there should be more LTB.

@BritWifeInUSA

It’s definitely used too much. We only head one side of the argument and the internet and forums are no strangers to exaggerated stories. If someone reports that their husband is hitting them, abusing them and/or the children then it’s time to leave. No one should tolerate that. But it’s usually just poor communication and differing expectations of a marriage.

I’ve seen threads “I work full time, do all the cooking, cleaning and the old MN favorite “life admin”, and my husband just plays computer games all night after work. I asked him today to take the bins out and he said he was too tired”. And the LTB comments start. It’s not ideal behavior but hardly worth depriving your children of time with their father over. Good communication about your expectations and needs in a relationship would solve that.

Ffs!! Of bloody course you should leave someone who expects you to be a slave! It's misogynistic, selfish, thoughtless, uncaring, superior. No, you shouldn't have to communicate to him that sitting on his arse whilst you work yourself in to the ground isn't acceptable, he knows full well and doesn't care. Ffs!!

@arethereanyleftatall

This. I can't believe anyone thinks its better to be an unpaid domestic slave and to be in a constant state of seething with resentment just to keep up appearances.

And no-one is talking about "depriving your children of time with their father". They're just talking about refusing to allow marriage to be a excuse to put up with inequality and disrespect.

You can be separated from your children's father and maintain a good and positive relationship. If you're not getting what you need from a marriage or partnership its usually better for you and your children that you are not in it.

Crikey - I'd missed the 'depriving children of time with their father' golden nugget. What - depriving them of time spent whilst their father ignores them whilst he games, in a permanently tense, bitter, resentful, negative household which models terrible examples of sexism and how relationships should be. Yes, please do deprive them of that.

I think the LTB are often dolled out by posters who have been in the fortunate position of never to have to consider leaving anyone. Yes, it is very very difficult in most cases and not to be rushed into. I also hate the 'get to a solicitor NOW' statements. If you find that your partner is having an affair, etc. you have to give yourself time to process everything first and only then will you feel ready to act, imo.

@TellySavalashairbrush

I think the LTB are often dolled out by posters who have been in the fortunate position of never to have to consider leaving anyone.

I heard a lot of LTB when I was weighing up whether to leave my abusive alcoholic husband. It wasn't nice to hear at the time and there was a fair bit of denial to cut through before I was ready to come to that conclusion under my own steam.

But by God was it the right advice.

Not to say I wouldn't eventually have reached this conclusion on my own but there's something incredibly valuable about a bunch of strangers who can clearly see what you are not allowing yourself to see and giving you the courage and self-belief to see it through. That's MN at its best.

And I don't believe anyone ever left a good relationship because someone told them to LTB.

My favourite Mumsnet cliche is competitive
“Shaking, crying and being sick” posts, to demonstrate how very empathic a poster is.

I don’t mean when something terrible has actually happened TO the poster, more when someone has read or heard about something.

Eg “SAT here in tears, shaking and being sick -just heard that next door’s hamster has been refused a mortgage”

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4431947-To-be-annoyed-with-my-husband-over-this

@IdleMatilda

AIBU to think that LTB is NOT overused on this forum?

For many years, whenever there is a thread about MN cliches one of the first to come up is “LTB”

But the thing I find is that on most (all?) threads where LTB (or any other similar advice) is given, I find myself wholeheartedly agreeing - women (and in some cases men) putting up with undeniably shitty behaviour and needing to be told clearly that it’s normal and not acceptable and in some cases that leaving ASAP is really important.

I don’t think LTB is used too much at all. And I think it’s dangerous to suggest that it is - as I think it could deter some people in abusive relationships from posting as they may feel that any LTB response is just a usual MN over-the-top response.

Maybe I’m missing all the frivolous LTB’s that are supposed to be dished out, but I don’t think I am.

What surprises me is the number of "This is my first LTB". I always wonder if they've actually ever read a thread on Relationships, so many awful situations where women are treated terribly and are wondering if they're in the wrong or that abusive behaviour from their partners is justified.

@Ionlydomassiveones

The problem is that often they should've LTB way back before kids and marriage and serious consequences. Girls should be taught in school what constitutes a poor relationship and why they shouldn’t settle.

This.

Also important to remember that what people post here is always in 'first-person narrator' form, in that they're telling what they feel has happened to them. Obviously from their point of view they feel they've been wronged but we don't know the full objective story

(that said - there are clear cases where hearing one side of the story is enough to make a decision in serious cases).

@Viviennemary

Not nearly as irritating as the great MN myth family money.

So true. Women on here seem to have the attitude, ‘what yours is mine, what’s mine is mine’