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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas recent death

27 replies

Noracora · 19/12/2021 13:55

Just wondering if its because the pain is still raw or whether Im in the wrong.
Lost my mum one week today .
We informed people we wouldnt be sending cards this year and not really celebrating Christmas.
The estranged MIL who we only really speak to on the phone every couple of months (sometimes longer because of her lack of interest in the children) has sent a message to OH saying I thought I would still get a card and gift from the children.
Is it because I'm griefing I find it insenstive or should we be sending her something and acting all normal??

OP posts:
Winterfellismyhome · 19/12/2021 13:57

YANBU. Sorry for the loss of your mum Thanks

Mumdiva99 · 19/12/2021 14:00

So sorry about the loss of your mum. Don't give your mil any head space. Your OH can worry about it and deal with it. You just need to look after you.

OneLlamaOpenSleigh · 19/12/2021 14:14

I don’t see that it’s particularly insensitive for your MIL to contact your OH. It sounds like she’s not pestering you about it.

I’d actually expect your OH to try and keep Christmas as normal as possible for the children, tbh, with you doing whatever you need to grieve your loss while your OH does all the work this year.

Floundery · 19/12/2021 14:17

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

3scape · 19/12/2021 14:19

I can see why she doesn't get much of your time. Don't give it headspace, let your DH handle this. Sorry for your loss Flowers

LonginesPrime · 19/12/2021 14:27

Sorry for your loss, OP.

IMO it's out of order for DH to have burdened you with this - she sent him the message and if he usually leaves it to you to manage his relationship with his own mother, then that's his issue to resolve with her, not yours.

Furthermore, even if she has criticised you in any way for this, it was DH's choice to tell you instead of creating a buffer and shielding you fron this nonsense.

I'd just ignore both of them on this issue and concentrate on yourself and supporting DC through this. Let DH take responsibility for his own relationships for once and explain to his mother that the children are going through a bereavement too.

shouldistop · 19/12/2021 14:29

So sorry for your loss.
Why is your dh not dealing with this quietly and not involving you at all?

ShirleyPhallus · 19/12/2021 14:31

It’s absolutely nuts that your MIL is trying to get presents off yoj at this time

Are you still doing some gifts for your own children? It might be nice to do that if not, my own grandma died around Christmas and it was doubly miserable to then have low key Christmas as a child

Aderyn21 · 19/12/2021 14:31

Yanbu to not want to deal with Christmas right now, but I do think your dh ought to make some effort wrt his own mother and for the children. But absolutely not your responsibility to deal with cards and gifts for anyone other than your kids right now.
Tbh, your dh should be taking responsibility for his side of the family anyway.

Suzanne999 · 19/12/2021 14:32

I’m sorry for your loss. You’ve said you’re not sending cards/gifts, stick to that.
A week is no time at all. A week in from DH’s death I could stand up and most of the time string a sentence together, that was it. Grieve your way, shut out who you want, keep close who you need.
I hope you find peace over Christmas to remember your mum with happiness.

Original poster
Noracora · 19/12/2021 14:38

Thanks for the replies.
Good to see both sides
OneLlamaOpenSleigh we are trying to keep Christmas normal but they are upset, they had a very strong relationship with my mum and MIL hasnt even asked how they are.
LonginesPrime he didnt burden me with it. He barely speaks to his mum. She went out of the life of the two eldest 6 years ago because of some home truths. Its only during the last two years due to our efforts that they have the odd call with her.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 19/12/2021 14:48

I'm sorry for your loss Thanks

He should be dealing with her, regardless of what she is or isn't getting. You shouldn't even know she's being a pain.

Tell him to deal with her.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/12/2021 14:52

I'm sorry for your loss. I totally get you not doing anything and you shouldn't have to. Your OH should take care of his mum in this way.

Bubblty · 19/12/2021 14:57

DH shouldn't have even told you. You've told her you're not doing cards this year and she should respect that not start demanding stuff. What a cow.

GoodVibesHere · 19/12/2021 15:01

Your MIL doesn't sound very nice.

I'm so sorry you've lost your mum, it muat be awful. I hope you can have a gentle and peaceful Christmas.

DappyApple · 19/12/2021 15:04

No you are not being sensitive, Totally out of order. Any decent person wouldn’t even dream of asking where the card and presents are.

Selfish mare!

DappyApple · 19/12/2021 15:05

Also I think it’s time she needs to be told some more home truths!

HeronLanyon · 19/12/2021 15:06

I am so sorry about your mum. I too lost my mum suddenly just before a Christmas. Don’t even think about this. Ask your dh to sort your mil out. If it were me my dp would be phoning as telling her to behave (not that my mil would have behaved this way).
You just middle through as best you can. People will understand and those who don’t aren’t actually worth any head space at all when you’ve just lost your mum.
Ffs I lost my Ma three Christmas es ago and just today had the old familiar ‘oh i mustcall mum’ instinct about something daft.
Your mil is being incredibly insensitive. She may have her own reasons. Don’t even give it a moments thought.
I am really sorry.

Saz12 · 19/12/2021 15:07

So sorry about your mum.
MIL is being v insensitive. Your DH should deal with his gift to her (either saying she’s not getting one, or go buy it and send it to her!). It’s his parent after all.

saraclara · 19/12/2021 15:09

My dad died mid-December when our children were 6 and 8.

We kept Christmas Day normal, and actually it was lovely. We didn't visit or have anyone to stay as we usually would (and my Mum wanted to spend the day on her own) so we had a really chilled day, just us. My dad would have been very happy to know that his death hadn't spoiled it.

I think we still did cards and presents for people (though some probably got them late) but I think my husband probably took that responsibility over. I'm sorry your MIL isn't as understanding as mine were. Ignore her.

I hope you have the same kind of relaxed and warm day with your children, OP.

Bubblty · 19/12/2021 15:10

Even without your loss she's being really out of order to demand anything

Ponoka7 · 19/12/2021 15:17

Your OH should be handling this completely. Not just because of your Mum's death but so going forward the relationship is laid out and the expectations managed. Half relationships don't work. As your children get older they'll ask questions about her and you won't be mirroring good relationships, good communication and boundaries. If it's usual to send cards to family and friends, then his Mum should feature on the list. She's either estranged or not. If it's low contact that you want then he needs to decide what that means and tell her.

Redwinestillfine · 19/12/2021 15:19

If you requested no cards she should respect that, if there wasn't history I would say she probably wanted to make sure the kids don't miss out, but it sounds like you know her better than that. Other people may sl ip up by accident as well.Ask you dh to hide any more cards that come. Maybe your kids can open them and put hem away in a box so you don't havehad deal. In a similar situation I had a notebook to write all the insensitive things people accidentally say when you're grieving in. It was recommended by a counsellor and helped. Flowers

Eleganz · 19/12/2021 15:21

What is it with needy, childish parents at this time of year?

Your husband should be dealing with this himself.

BatshitBanshee · 19/12/2021 15:21

YANBU. I'm in Ireland, it's just a given that if there's a recent death, not to expect the grieving family to send cards/gifts. Your MiL is atrocious but equally DH could have maybe dealt with that himself and not have to inform you.

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