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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am very hurt, when I left my job after 12 years I didn't even get a card.

76 replies

HelenFitzroy · 18/12/2021 19:37

I have worked in a very high stress, professional NHS job for 12 years. I am a hard worker and have always taken my job seriously. Earlier this year my younger sister unexpectedly died (aged 27) I was off for several months due to the bereavement. My work sent flowers after her death but after 4 weeks my manager was keen for me to return to work due to short staffing.
As I was unable to walk round Tesco without crying and in the weeks after her death my hair began to fall out! So I didn't go back to work at that time.
While on leave I reflected on my life and job and decided to move to a different post within the same field.
After leaving my manager didn't call me to confirm a leaving date or to speak to me before I left. I didn't expect a big present or anything like that but I didn't even get a "sorry your leaving" or "good luck" card.

I know its silly but I really do feel hurt by this.

Am I unreasonable as I basically didn't go back to my old job after the death?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 19/12/2021 00:00

If you havent gone back then they might actually think youre still off sick. Manager might not have told people

larkle · 19/12/2021 00:11

Sadly, it's not uncommon. One of my colleagues had terminal cancer and was off for 6 months before leaving on grounds of Ill health. He was a Deputy Head and had been at the same school for thirty odd years. Change of Head whilst he was off sick. No leaving card or present.
It is very common in secondary schools to have no acknowledgement of retirement or leaving. If someone is the sole specialist teacher in the school eg Spanish or Economics it is virtually impossible to get a qualified specialist supply teacher in that subject. Long term sickness messes up kids education and staff trying to cover are often desperate for a permanent replacement. It sounds harsh but absent colleagues fade so quickly from minds.

larkle · 19/12/2021 00:16

Grief is horrible. Really debilitating. I saw a post on here from a woman angry that that her husband was still grieving a couple of weeks after the death of his Father. The general consensus was that he should get over it and pull his weight as normal.
Men particularly are not allowed to acknowledge their grief.
It does seem wrong.

PrincessNutella · 19/12/2021 00:25

Loss upon loss. I am so sorry, OP, for the loss of your sister and for the understandable feelings you have about the job you left behind.

OneRuleForThem · 19/12/2021 01:31

@Astrak

My husband died of a heart attack in front of me. I phoned my boss an hour later to explain why I wasn't coming in. She accused me of lying. "You're just trying to get out of doing your shift". Fifteen years later, I can still hear her voice . . . I never returned to that job. I heard later that she'd been sacked, reported to the relevant professional register and was removed. It be lovely to have a way of deleting the nasty things people have said.
Jesus Christ. I think I’d have gone back once just to punch her in her face for that. Flowers

OP, YANBU either
Flowers

Dovecare · 19/12/2021 01:47

Because you had not been at work for some time, your colleagues probably lost touch with what was happening with you. I would put this down to poor management and leadership. It sounds as though your manager was on one and stressed about short staffing and covid as well? I am so sorry that you have been so carelessly treated 😢

WakeyWakey123 · 19/12/2021 02:08

I’m really sorry for your loss OP. Presumably this was an oversight? Did you have a reasonable relationship with your boss?

melj1213 · 19/12/2021 10:06

Honestly, under the circumstances I can understand why they may not have gone out of their way to get you a leaving gift, especially at this time of year when it's busy enough as it is.

If you have been off for months then your colleagues may be unaware of your actual leaving - have you stayed in contact with your team? Are you friends outside work with any of them? I work in a supermarket and over the last couple of years we have had a few people who went from long term sick to either retiring or being managed out due to their medical issue. The only reason I was aware of the colleagues who were managed out is because, as a union rep, I was involved in the process whereas the other colleagues were not kept up to date with the process and when someone went from "off sick" to "no longer working for us". The bosses don't make big announcements that "X has been managed out" or "Y has retired", that is left for the colleagues themselves to make people aware of (or not) as they choose.

They also may feel like, if they haven't seen you in months, you "left" months ago and they already processed your departure when you went off on bereavement so it hasn't occurred to them to go out of their way to also get you a leaving card now when you haven't been in since they sent a card/flowers for your bereavement.

Finally, if you haven't been in for months then your team may have had significant changes over the last few months that you may not be aware of. Especially in the NHS, people have been redeployed to different teams/departments/shifts etc, so your existing team may have had a lot of coming and going, the current team may be redeployed and/or have different team members, they may have been given more work to do etc and they haven't got someone to coordinate a leaving card or gift for someone who has been off for months.

It's shit and it sucks to effectively be forgotten about so quickly but in the nicest possible way, people leaving are not usually top priority, especially if you haven't been in for months.

Uninterested · 19/12/2021 10:18

I’m sorry about your sister.

I think people will have found ‘several months’ too long (IM NOT saying it is, I’m saying I bet thats what some of your colleagues thought) and that combined with you not actually being there made getting a card not a priority. I’d almost have been suprised if you did get a card.

Did you go in at all?

Fontaine33 · 19/12/2021 10:19

Sorry for the loss of your sister.

I left an NHS trust last year as a senior manager for another post, after 18 years there. There is real “gripes go up” attitude and in the senior management a couldn’t care less approach when key staff are not at work suddenly and then don’t return. It’s about managing what’s left.

It does sting, but there will be people to you worked with who will have been wishing to pass on positive messages, but didn’t have the vehicle to do so as your manager didn’t facilitate it.
As said, the facade of kindness at senior levels is exactly that and there is often a lack of compassion. Sad, but true.

I hope your new role is working out and you’re in better times 🌈

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2021 10:36

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I mean this gently but if you were off for several months and then moved straight to a new position, I imagine this was more a lack of thought rather than anything else. 💐

ArblemarzipanTFruitcake · 19/12/2021 10:45

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm sure if you'd left without the period of sick leave, you'd have had the usual card and present. It sounds as though the lengthy sick leave has blurred things and by the time it was confirmed you wouldn't be coming back, your team had got used to you not being there so it perhaps didn't register.

BoredZelda · 19/12/2021 15:38

I also think the pandemic has broken down normal etiquette.

Again with this crap. It hasn’t done anything of the sort

I left a job 5 years ago after being there 11 years and nobody did a leaving card or gift or presentation. I was happy because I find the whole thing so cringey, but it was definitely the done thing in my company. It only wasn’t done because the woman who organised them was off sick and we had a temp.

Winniemarysarah · 19/12/2021 15:53

@Squeezita

Oh, it sounds like you never actually went back to that role?

I can see why that happened.

Also, taking a few months leave for a sibling’s death seems a bit much.

My brother died in his 40s in terrible circumstances and I was back at work after a week off.

I get what you’re saying. I’ve just googled what the norm is when it comes to grieving and leave, 2-5 days unpaid at the employers discretion seems more usual. Of course we’re all different and this has obviously hit the op hard, but a lot of people wouldn’t have a job to come back to if they took 4 months off
Toddlerteaplease · 19/12/2021 16:05

Have you had other people leave at the same time? My ward has lost so many staff all at the same time, that the usual gifts and cards have not been given as there are just too many collections and people just can't afford it, and it's got too complicated for the people trying to organise it. Not an excuse, but it's a reason. Sorry got your loss.

Hankunamatata · 19/12/2021 16:20

Honestly we are up to our eyes in our dept. If someone was off for months then left there wouldn't be a great effort to get a card etc as everyone is barely hanging on and it is out of sight, out of mind.

Hankunamatata · 19/12/2021 16:21

And staff turnover has really ramped up

billy1966 · 19/12/2021 16:24

@CrumpetStrumpet

That's awful op. What a bunch of arseholes. You have every right to feel hurt.

I'm so sorry about your sisterFlowers

So sorry for this terrible loss.

Your instinct was correct not to return.

Don't think it is a reflection on you.

People are busy and caught up in their own stuff.

Best of luck with the move.Flowers

DrManhattan · 19/12/2021 16:31

Try to put it behind you op. Some people are really thoughtless and it's unlikely it was done on purpose. Also don't worry about previous posters saying how long you should have away from work based on who has passed away, you take as long as you need. We are all different and handle things in our own way, in our own time.

Titterofwit · 19/12/2021 16:42

This is why I dont get involved n these sort of tributes to colleagues. I dont expect to get anything and probably wont when I leave .Im not in the 'in' crowd.Ive had 2 significant birthdays and got married while Ive worked in this office and recieved precisely nothing.
But Ive seen some fantastic farewells involving an office singalong and another time a fanfare as the person was leaving the building , Ive seen huge collections for births and marriages so the presentations took ages with speeches etc.Ive also seen - same office - people leaving without any collection or cards . They werent in the in crowd either.

Im really sorry for your loss. I hope you enjoy your new role and remember not to put too much of youself into the job. its just a job at the end of the day

AsymQuestion · 19/12/2021 16:45

I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers
Of course you can be disappointed, I completely understand and this has happened to me. but please try not to take it personally. I think a lot of workplaces are fraught at the moment (I know NHS ones definitely are).

It's not neccessarily a reflection of how everyone feels about someone, it can be a bad timing of circumstances, personal stressors, mental space within work/home time to organise cards, gifts etc.

I know someone will say it doesn't take much to buy a card and get people to sign it, and that may be true for some workplaces etc, but for high stress environments, or with high staff turnover, people are collectioned and card buyinged out. they all have different dynamics and situations going on - many people barely get chance to drink/eat/have a wee all day/night when at work.

I guess only you know your workplace dynamic and even then, you mostly don't right now. I am sure the colleagues you enjoyed working with will miss your presence and wish you well.

Hottubtimemachine · 19/12/2021 16:50

I left a job after 7 years of literally giving everything (NHS). Missed family funerals, worked when sick, worked when my kids sick. Got a cheap bunch of supermarket flowers when I left compared to colleagues who got generous vouchers. It really hurts and really makes you question yourself and your worth.
I’m sorry for everyone this has happened to.

Mary46 · 19/12/2021 16:56

Lousy. We all just a number. A card or gesture would be nice. Sorry for your loss op.

Laiste · 19/12/2021 17:11

Flowers so sorry for your loss OP, it must have been an awful shock.

I too think it might be to do with the fact that you have been off for a while before leaving. Perhaps your boss hasn't shared the news with your colleagues? Are you in touch with any of them privately?

Your boss should have shown you more respect and at least sent a card thanking you for your years of service.

SommerTen · 19/12/2021 17:14

I'm so sorry for your loss... x

I think I would be devastated too if I lost my sibling. That is too young. Taking several months to be able to function after a loss like that is totally understandable!

It's awful that you've had no recognition of 12 year's of service in that job.. however big organisations can be like that.

You say you're a hard working professional and I expect you probably are very conscientious at work too.

But the lack of thanks should be a wake up call - don't give all your energy to your new job. If you had a breakdown they'd replace you within weeks!! You're literally just a number to the managers.

So... take your breaks.
Maintain a good work life balance.
Don't let the stress of the job get to you.
Work hard but learn to switch off when you finish work and don't work late!

I have experienced the loss of a professional career in the NHS due to serious mental illness and now have a different role.

I follow my own advice because stress & tiredness are triggers for symptoms of my illness, and I don't want to lose this job...

I came to realise that even though I do take my breaks & don't stay late anymore, my colleagues & management still say I'm a hard worker who's good at her job.. I still get a good appraisal.
Most importantly I'm not too stressed and I enjoy my job.

But I don't kid myself that anyone higher up than the Clinical Leader of my ward actually cares about me.