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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am very hurt, when I left my job after 12 years I didn't even get a card.

76 replies

HelenFitzroy · 18/12/2021 19:37

I have worked in a very high stress, professional NHS job for 12 years. I am a hard worker and have always taken my job seriously. Earlier this year my younger sister unexpectedly died (aged 27) I was off for several months due to the bereavement. My work sent flowers after her death but after 4 weeks my manager was keen for me to return to work due to short staffing.
As I was unable to walk round Tesco without crying and in the weeks after her death my hair began to fall out! So I didn't go back to work at that time.
While on leave I reflected on my life and job and decided to move to a different post within the same field.
After leaving my manager didn't call me to confirm a leaving date or to speak to me before I left. I didn't expect a big present or anything like that but I didn't even get a "sorry your leaving" or "good luck" card.

I know its silly but I really do feel hurt by this.

Am I unreasonable as I basically didn't go back to my old job after the death?

OP posts:
Squeezita · 18/12/2021 21:01

I can kind of see it from the colleagues’ perspective, someone takes months off, presumably on full pay, and then leaves for another role whilst they probably covered her job.

Of course people are affected in different ways, I just gave my take.

PWYP76 · 18/12/2021 21:03

Also, taking a few months leave for a sibling’s death seems a bit much.

My brother died in his 40s in terrible circumstances and I was back at work after a week off.

Good for you! We are all different and we all handle grief, differently.

What a time to boast about how quick you got back to work? Are you always in competition with people? Hmm. It's such a shitty thing to say!!

Flyingbymypants · 18/12/2021 21:06

If you hadn't been in for several months before you officially left, I can see why your colleagues might not have marked your departure I the same way as if you had been there til the end. Try not to take it too personally.

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 21:07

Yes we are all different hence why I have my experience and a reason why OP’s colleagues may have behaved that way.

Didn’t realise you’re opinion is the only right one PWY Such shitty behaviour.

Rainartist · 18/12/2021 21:12

@Squeezita

Oh, it sounds like you never actually went back to that role?

I can see why that happened.

Also, taking a few months leave for a sibling’s death seems a bit much.

My brother died in his 40s in terrible circumstances and I was back at work after a week off.

That is not kind, grief is not a competition and people deal with it in different ways.

Fwiw I only had a week or so off after my dad died as I was so busy and new in a role so I felt I couldn't be off. I thought I had dealt with it. That was 20 years ago. Three years ago another event triggered a complete outpouring of grief that took me by surprise. I realised I'd just shut my grief away and hadn't dealt with it at all. I ended up with medication and counseling. I don't think a month off for a young relative's death is very much at all.

Sorry for your loss op. I too wonder if your colleagues even know you've left? It sounds like the manager wasn't happy, would they have told everyone?
I'm afraid out of sight = out of mind for some people. I hope you're in a better place (for work at least) you're probably better off out of your previous team Flowers

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 21:15

Agreed that grief affects people in different ways, which is why ‘months’ may seem long to someone who takes a week off.

It’s just a take on what the colleagues may feel, it’s not a competition.

Astrak · 18/12/2021 21:21

My husband died of a heart attack in front of me. I phoned my boss an hour later to explain why I wasn't coming in.
She accused me of lying.
"You're just trying to get out of doing your shift".
Fifteen years later, I can still hear her voice . . .
I never returned to that job.
I heard later that she'd been sacked, reported to the relevant professional register and was removed.
It be lovely to have a way of deleting the nasty things people have said.

Viviennemary · 18/12/2021 21:22

In quite a lot of places its frowned upon for a Manager to contact a person when they are on sick leave. I wouldn't expect a card if I left after a few months sick leave. And you were staying in the same organisation so not really leaving just moving to a new role in a different department. If you weren't really in touch with any of your colleagues I can see why nobody thought about a card. Where would they even send it if they didnt know your address.

Babyroobs · 18/12/2021 21:26

I worked 15 years in an incredibly stressful NHS job and just got a plastic flower wheras others got amazing leaving gifts. It is hurtful.

Warblerinwinter · 18/12/2021 21:31

I left my company after 30 years and retired. I was off on sick leave for 5 months prior to that. No card form my team (based in us) , no retirement gift, no message form my bosses to thank me and wish me luck. I had known some of them for 20 years. I think being off for a long time people don’t like it and Are just angry at you. The only positive thing was lots of people I had worked with all over the world sent me emails when they heard and I had those to keep.
Yep, it’s a tough one, it hurt.

Rookie93 · 18/12/2021 22:35

No YANBU although the pandemic will have a lot to do with it. With so many wfh these important rituals get overlooked and colleagues do get forgotten. I know when staff 'vanished' when working in the office it was much easier to notice people hadn't been seen for a while, find out why, and organise at least a card or small gift. I retired in April 2020 after 46yrs in the public sector, from a team of nearly 50 - no card, no nothing. Understand in the chaos of that first lockdown this was simply overlooked and have come to terms with it, but occasionally still feel ibitter.

Wondergirl100 · 18/12/2021 22:42

Hi OP big sympathy from me, I've been left very hurt by lack of care from colleagues when I left jobs before.

So - it seems here like you had been off for a long time - perhaps they had just not got you on your mind, perhaps some of them felt hurt that you vanished? People can be so ignorant about others suffering/ grief etc. I think the fact you were not there for so long - plus Covid meaning everyone was WFH/ going through a lot of stress would have played a role.

The best lesson I can say I have learnt in life is not to take things quite as personally as they feel. I have had real heartache over treatment by employers and colleagues but the reality is - people are just thinking of themselves, we have had a very very difficult 2 yeras for most people - you vanished and they forgot you from their day to day life sadly.

I bet a few of them miss you but didn't quite know whether to reach our or not.

Wondergirl100 · 18/12/2021 22:44

I had been doing a role for a few years that was cut in the pandemic - nobody said goodby to me, I was hurt beyond measure but looking back I just realise it was wierd, nobody was in the office people feel awkward - they don't know why you left or if you want to talk about it.

I would really recommend you reach out and speak to the people you miss and tell them you are sorry to have left. You will get good responses Ibet.

Shallwegoforawalk · 18/12/2021 22:47

Your manager was probably pissed off at the amount of time taken off. Maybe your colleagues were too if they had to take on your workload. Or they just don't realise you've actually moved role? Has the manager actually told them?

You were very fortunate to be allowed all that time off. Many workplaces only allow a few days even for a close bereavement. Unfortunately I have seen people "managed out" or taken off promotion lists etc if they have long periods of absence for whatever reason - sickness included. It's harsh but it's how some managers view long term absences. Some seem to take it as a personal slight that your job isn't your top priority.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your sister and hope your new role has more compassionate higher ups.

FissionMailed · 18/12/2021 22:48

I worked for a place 13 years, left, didn't even get a FB message, some of them came to my wedding.

It was then I realised that work friends aren't real friends, work places aren't 'families' etc.
Keep them at arm's length, all of them.

XenoBitch · 18/12/2021 22:51

Sorry this happened to you OP.
I experienced similar (also NHS). 10 years in a role where I also signed countless leaving cards, and gave money towards gifts.
It really stings.

catfunk · 18/12/2021 23:01

The last 21 months have been crazy for the NHS though. I expect they've had more pressing things to worry about than organising a present for someone they haven't seen in several months.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 18/12/2021 23:12

Sorry @HelenFitzroy it's a reflection of them, not you. Sorry for your loss. Good luck with the new job ThanksCake

CJat10 · 18/12/2021 23:19

Did you keep in touch during the months you were absent in any way? I think like all relationships, they need maintenance and work relationships are by circumstances not choice... so much more expendable.

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you've had support to move through grief to a level you feel you can work at

Bogeyes · 18/12/2021 23:19

I never got a card when I left my job after 10 years. As soon as I handed my notice in the manager ignored me and never spoke to me. Not even on my last day. Sulking like a big baby. Idiot.

RiskyCookie · 18/12/2021 23:22

Very poor of them.

12 years is a long time. YANBU.

Sorry about your sister OP. Flowers

Dreambigger · 18/12/2021 23:25

Sorry for your loss. This is a thing with the NHS though..there is no one permanently at the top (as there would be with a private company) and no funds set aside for leaving presents etc. So its just up to individuals to organise and contribute which is fine if every is part of a well established team and cares.. but is difficult if not. I'm asked for money every other day for someone's maternity leave / leaving /retirement and can't contribute to them all. Plus there is the COVID backstory now. Dont take it personally or look back x

saleorbouy · 18/12/2021 23:43

My father worked 40 years in the NHS with 30 spent in the same hospital.
He still hasn't received acknowledgement of his resignation notice.
No wonder moral in the NHS is poor if there is such bad communication from managers.

Sorry about your situation, I hope you find an employer who appreciates you.

CPL593H · 18/12/2021 23:43

I would try to put this behind you and not take it personally. I'm another "retired after several decades during the pandemic", I did get things and some lovely messages but it wasn't the usual retirement panoply and TBH I didn't expect it, all very different with people WFH etc. I'm very sorry about your sister and hope you are doing better now.

Lalliella · 18/12/2021 23:53

So sorry for your loss Flowers

I think your colleagues’ behaviour shows that your decision was the right one. Fuck them OP and move on without a backwards glance. Some people don’t understand that people grieve in different ways.

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